DP dragging his heels about our future

[CarryOnDreaming]

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

What is joyful, spontaneous and surprising about him saying "yes,I 100% want to marry you- I will propose at some stage in the future when it suits me"?

Surprises can be controlling yes... But this is different, it isn't too much about the surprise but that it has to be done his way or not at all even if what she suggests is the same as what he plans. Being in control is more important than the proposed marriage.

quietly suggests has the best advice imo

I had a similar conversation with my then boyfriend about 3 years in to the relationship. I said if he didn't want these things we'd have to split up. So we did. A week later he got back to me, having realised he'd been an idiot, we started ttc v shortly afterwards and married at some point between dc1 and dc2. He's a great dad and adores family life. But I can see where he was coming from, life without dcs does seem more appealing from the outside and if my fertility hadn't had a sell by date I'd have been in no rush to ttc. It often does need a firm ultimatum to make peope realise they're no longer 26 and need to move into the next phase of their lives.

I agree, Offred

It's about decisions for both parties. I'd find it upsetting to be pushed/led by a partner into having a child. I am not sure whether I ever want to become pregnant and dither about it a lot. But nobody is going to make that decision for me.

Why would anyone want something as important as a choice to marry to be a surprise? Good marriages are founded on equality. Surprise proposals on blended knee from the man are hardly indicative of equality are they?

Why exactly is it understandable anyway? Unless you think marriage is about the man choosing a wife?

Of course I don't think marriage is about the man choosing a wife Offred - where did that come from? You are putting words into my mouth.

Personally, I would not give a flying fuck how I was proposed to, if I didn't propose to man first myself. However, some people seem to like the element of surprise and the proposal aspect is very important to them. That is all I meant by 'understandable'. Christ.

I quite like the 'flush him out' suggestion - if he's not coming up with the goods, why not tell him you'd like to get married within the next six months, and that you're happy to make all the arrangements? He'll either say yes, or run for the hills. I agree with a poster who commented, earlier in this thread, that this is no longer the 1950s, you don't have to wait for a man to propose. Yes, I know you'd love to receive a surprise proposal and a huge diamond (who wouldn't???) but under the circumstances I see no harm in taking matters in hand yourself.

If he says 'yes' - then Bobs Your Uncle; if he says 'no' then you have the answer that you were always going to get, but at least you'll know now, rather than in 3, 5, 10 years time.

But I don't think anyone in their right mind would leave a good relationship, at your age, just because things were presently a bit vague, on the offchance that you'll meet Mr Wonderful three weeks on Tuesday, and be married and pregnant by Christmas. Sadly, life doesn't work like that very often.

A difficult one. I've two friends who have been in your position. One split up with her partner, got together with her childhood sweetheart and married him within the year. The other split up with her partner, got back together with him, engaged, married bad now have a child and seem very happy.

Carry You said - He's just one of those people who has to do things his own way.

In that case are you sure he's cut out for parenthood? Doing things your own way can be difficult to achieve with a small person in your life who needs to take priority. Will he expect his childless lifestyle to be maintained while you make all the changes? Is he actually honest enough to himself to realise that he won't make a good parent but scared of losing you by telling you that?

If he continues to 'not be ready' until it is not a possibility are you alright with that? Will you resent him? Will your relationship survive?

I was with my ex for 10 years and realised he would never be ready, he was petrified by the idea of that much responsibility. To be honest I wish I'd made the break sooner.

You haven't got the luxury of time, you need to sort this out one way or another as soon as you can.

I don't like it when people keep other people in limbo about important decisions.

I just asked the question because people who like it to be a surprise, I think, are people who either follow sexist social norms without really thinking about what they are doing or are actually sexist.

Petal But I don't think anyone in their right mind would leave a good relationship, at your age, just because things were presently a bit vague, on the offchance that you'll meet Mr Wonderful three weeks on Tuesday, and be married and pregnant by Christmas.

No, but if you know that if you stay you will only end up resenting them for finally deciding they don't want DC or that they do - when it's too late, then there is no point staying.

That's why I left my ex because I knew that even if I didn't meet anyone else our relationship, although good at the time, was doomed because I would become bitter at my missed chance of parenthood.

Neither of those I'd want to marry.

Someone who believes in equality and has thought things through properly would recognise that the choice to get married is something to be made together and discussed not sprung on someone without warning along with a big bribing trinket.

If the OP's DP doesn't start to move in the right direction, then I definitely think she should leave - but whilst she's in a position where she hasn't hit a brick wall ..... then I personally wouldn't leave at this point. Although the OP does need to put a time limit on things.

I find the whole idea of an engagement odd anyway. What is it exactly? What's wrong with agreeing to get married and just getting on with it. What is the diamond for?

But I understand some people like this type of thing and aren't necessarily sexist.

I think you can waste your fertile years waiting for him to tell you he doesn't want children.
He doesn't want the same things at all.
You will never be happy with this man, cut your losses and find somebody who wants the same as you.

Being engaged can give you certain legal rights and therefore acts as a limited protection for people who have agreed to marry and are waiting for the ceremony. There is a point to it I think.

That's interesting. I had no idea it gave you legal rights.

But the whole point here is that it wouldn't b a surprise. The OP's Dp has already said the 100% wants to marry her and she has said he wants to marry him. He's just decided that the actual proposal has to be on his terms. Which is pathetic. What part of saying "i 100% want to marry you" isn't a proposal?

In that case, the OP should propose to him. Why wait for him to do it?

Are you thinking of a breach of promise action, Offred? Surely they're not still enforceable?

No the law reform (miscellaneous provisions) act 1970 which gives engaged couples certain limited property rights. here

Quietly suggests advice is odd ' most women want a proposal out the blue'?

Er no- most grown ups discuss things such as marriage together, not wait and wait years until the male deems he is ready to do a surprise proposal.

I would be really disappointed if my daughter was just twiddling her toes waiting for her guy to commit. She is not a princess in a castle.

From compactlaw - "There is one way in which you as part of an unmarried couple might have the same protection in financial disputes as married couples. Under the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970 an engaged couple who separate will have the protection of any law which relates to the property rights of husband and wives. All you need to show is that there was an "agreement to marry" and that this agreement has been broken.

However, this does not stretch as far as allowing the court to change the ownership of property between you and your opponent.

However, engaged couples can for example make an application to ask the court to decide on the division of the contents of the home or for the return of any contents removed by the other party."

In that case are you sure he's cut out for parenthood? Doing things your own way can be difficult to achieve with a small person in your life who needs to take priority. Will he expect his childless lifestyle to be maintained while you make all the changes? Is he actually honest enough to himself to realise that he won't make a good parent but scared of losing you by telling you that?

He was the eldest of 5 siblings and works with small children so I think he's all too aware of the sacrifices that have to be made and how exhausting it can be. He's extremely good with kids and I've no doubt he'd make a fantastic parent, but I certainly think he's scared that his lifestyle will change and he won't be able to cope with kids 24/7 both at home and in work.