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Original poster

DP dragging his heels about our future

627 replies

CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 12:18

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/04/2014 13:17

It is all on his terms, isn't it?

He will propose, when he's good and ready.

He might want children but doesn't know yet and won't hurry himself to make up his mind.

Why don't you propose to him? Either he wants to marry you or he doesn't - after three years he must know his own mind. If he throws a tantrum about it being 'something the man should do', then you can walk away knowing that you've had a lucky escape from a life shackled to a sexist pig.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 13:17

Thing is, Morris, you decided to go for it at 38. She wants to now, and is 35.

I stopped going for traditionally 'professional' guys and found it far easier to find a man ready to marry and have kids. Yes, in my 30s!

I was 31 and DH was 24 when we got married.

whippetwoman · 03/04/2014 13:18

Don't get married until you are sure about the children issue. This question comes up a lot on Mumsnet and I have to say it sounds like he doesn't want his life to change but you are under some time pressure. You need to discuss it again and get a definite time frame for action because it is IS different for a woman. If he really really won't budge then you can decide what is more important to you. However, it would be sad if you stayed and never had children because he was never ready to have them with you. In your shoes I would be pushing for definite answers.

Also, people tend to fall into the trap of getting everything sorted and ready for when they have kids but babies are portable and small children are adaptable. Do you really need to have everything in perfect order before you TTC? Baby could be in your room for a while, there are always options if you can be flexible and adaptable. But don't waste your fertile years if having children is what you really want.

That's probably no help at all, sorry.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 13:20

If it wasn't for my fertility, I wouldn't be in any massive rush to have kids now either, because we are really happy how we are, I just don't want to look back when it's too late and end up resenting him.

OP posts:
sunbathe · 03/04/2014 13:22

Why don't you see about freezing some eggs, op?

I've no idea how much it is or how difficult/expensive it is, but, imo, it's better than leaving your fertility in the hands of someone else.

LongPieceofString · 03/04/2014 13:25

I would seriously consider leaving him and finding a sperm donor. I have seen too many women in your situation. Take control of your own life. Good luck op.

magoria · 03/04/2014 13:26

You have to make the decision of what you want more.

To be with him if he never proposes and is never ready for children. Or is ready too late for you and goes to have them elsewhere. It seems to happen a lot unfortunately.

Or to leave and have a child maybe alone.

Personally he seems like a lot of stories we get on here where he doesn't want to marry you and have children but says some time when I am ready as he likes what you have and that is enough for him.

If children are a definite 100% must have give him a mental deadline (6 months to a year max) and then go your own way.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 13:26

Apparently egg freezing costs £3000 per cycle and many women have to undergo several cycles to preserve a good number of eggs.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 03/04/2014 13:27

I'm not comparing myself to her, I'm comparing myself to him! I see so many people on here lambast men for delaying making decisions about starting a family but I can't get behind that.

It's a really hard decision, if it was up to me I'd have finally gone for it aged 65 or something. I still feel I've given up good years to motherhood.

Men are human, and parenthood is the hardest, most demanding and expensive thing you'll ever do. There's no right or wrong answer, and if life seems good at the time then why change it? It's logical, not horrible.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 13:27

The egg on its own is very fragile and often does not survive the thawing process. Hence, why it's preferable to freeze embryos instead. Not a real alternative to preserving fertility, tbh.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 03/04/2014 13:27

I always agree with ex-pat on these threads. The idea of sitting and waiting for him to a. ask you to marry him. b. get ready for children is, at 35, a little ridiculous.

I'd tell him I want to have children and marry. Soon. If he is not on-board then I would go.

Jan45 · 03/04/2014 13:27

How is it laughable if you want a family and the man you are with does not, what else can you do?

sunbathe · 03/04/2014 13:28

Ok, fair enough. And damned expensive! Shock

SocialNeedier · 03/04/2014 13:29

Before I had my 'lay my cards on the table' talk with DP I had given serious thought to having a child on my own. And I knew it was something I was prepared to do if I didn't meet anyone else.

I also looked into freezing my eggs.

You really do need to be completely at peace with whatever decision you make. Otherwise the resentment will make you bitter later on down the line.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 13:30

A poor comparison, though, Morris, because a man most often has far more fertile years than a woman.

And the issue is that you made the decision to go for it. She has, too, just doesn't have the partner for it.

Again, there is nothing inherently wrong with his not being ready, just that his lack of readiness is at odds with the fact that her fertillty may well have declined when he is ready.

Val007 · 03/04/2014 13:30

OP, your man may be decent, for sure! But you are not on the same page. What is this worth to you? When I was looking for a man to have my second child with at 37 (had first at 24), the one thing I put on the table at every first date was my plan to get married and have 2 kids and that I had just 3 years to do all this. If that was not acceptable, there was no second date. Simple as that. One man agreed and we are now married and have one kid (second maybe not happening, but due to my health problems). I knew my priorities and acted accordingly. And I am not saying that I married the first one who agreed to my plan - nope. I married a very desirable man. So I did not sell myself short, if anyone will try to explore that option.

MrsPixieMoo · 03/04/2014 13:31

I left my XH at the age of 35 for exactly the reasons you describe. He didn't want children, I did. That simple and that complicated.

We got on well, didn't fall out with each other, just had different visions of the future. We were married for 10 years.

I am now married to a gorgeous, loving man who wants the same things out of life. We have a DD and I'm expecting another this Summer.

I didn't want to get to 40 either and wonder 'what if'. Don't become bitter, live the life you want to. There are other fabulous men out there.

SocialNeedier · 03/04/2014 13:33

Morris I know what you are saying. If I could've had a guarantee I'd get pregnant at 40ish I would've waited until then to do it.

We ended up taking the plunge when I was 33. So there's time to have another one in a couple of years if my pelvic floor ever recovers .

Jan45 · 03/04/2014 13:34

He's not ready when it's you that goes through most of the shit during pregnancy and most of the care of the child when it's born. I'd seriously be questioning his intentions.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2014 13:35

You are not on the same page fundamentally here.

Why do I think that you are actually the "she will do for now woman". He has all that he wants currently and does not want that to change, he has the power and control balance well in his favour. He is getting what he wants out of this relationship, but you are not.

I would state that if you do want children and marriage it will not likely be with this man.

pictish · 03/04/2014 13:35

You are 35 and your time to have children is rapidly diminishing. Of course he understands that.
Seriously....if you end up childless because of his humming and hawing, you will hate him for it, no matter how much you love him now.

I think he's being horribly selfish.

pommedeterre · 03/04/2014 13:37

OP - 35 for some women is the end of fertility, some people can conceive well into their forties. Why don't you get a fertility check up for yourself?

SocialNeedier · 03/04/2014 13:38

It's unfair of him to be vague when you really do need to be acting now if you want to give your fertility a fair shot.

It might be hugely inconvenient for him to have to confront this now. But of he loves you he must confront it. And he must be honest with you.

OvertiredandConfused · 03/04/2014 13:47

I really don't think I would be strong enough to walk away from such a brilliant relationship at my age on the off-chance I might meet someone else I click with in enough time time to start a family with them. However, if I choose a childless future with DP, I'd want that to be because it was truly better for our relationship, not because of logistical problem like a bloody extension.

I think you need to tell him this, explicitly, because he is a man! Make sure he knows that you need him to be really honest. That not wanting children MAY not be the end, but that prevaricating will.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/04/2014 13:55

My brother did this to my ex sil , kept saying not yet/not ready/too busy at work etc etc.

They were married in their early twenties and after stalling her in this way for 19 years left her for a younger woman who is incidentally unable to have children.

His absolute determination to not have kids though backfired on him when to his horror his new partner announced she wanted to foster as she always longed to be a parent and that's the closest she can be. He couldn't object too much as he had told her too that he would love to have/have had kids - obviously safe in the knowledge she couldn't have them.

He now comes home to a houseful of kids every night and absolutely loves it and has thrown himself into it and is a brilliant doting foster dad to these children.

Suffice to say my ex sil is not terribly impressed.

Not sure what the moral is to this tale just rambling really but I do wish these men would be fair and straight with women when there is a difference in their desire to have/not have children instead of just playing lip service to keep the woman tagging along. Not saying this is necessarily the case in OP btw.

!