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Original poster

DP dragging his heels about our future

627 replies

CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 12:18

I’ve been with DP for 3 years, living together for a little over half of that. I’m 35 and he’s 34 although we both feel younger than that at heart. We clicked from the word go – we have the same sense of humour, interests, plenty of chemistry, get on great with each others’ friends and trust each other completely. He’s held in high regard by colleagues, friends and family and is a truly lovely person. Great, I thought: FINALLY someone worth it on my wavelength!

When we first got serious and had the talk about out future, he said he envisaged us marrying in around 3 years and starting a family in around 5. I was 32 at the time and thought 37 might be pushing it to start TTC, but we’re both ambitious career-wise and told myself it might be just as well we got that side out our lives figured out first, as well as not rushing into things.

3 years on and there’s no sign of taking the relationship on to the next stage. I had a talk with him about the future in a non-pushy way and while he says he definitely still wants to marry me and have a family, it’s in abstract terms of “some day” as he doesn’t feel ready yet. He insisted that was no reflection on his feelings for me. The reasons he gave were 1) He’s overwhelmed by his demanding job and couldn’t see how planning a wedding / being a dad would fit into that right now 2) Our house isn’t big enough to accommodate a child and we can’t afford to move 3) He’d never considered settling down with anyone before me and while he thought becoming a dad was what he wanted, he now thinks he might have been in that mindset just because it’s what people do, and now he’s not 100% sure if he wants kids because life’s stressful enough and at present we have freedom to enjoy ourselves which alleviates that stress.

I’m a planner, whereas he prefers to go with the flow, but when it comes to my fertility, I don’t think he’s quite grasped, despite me explaining it to him, that it doesn’t quite work that way! He seems to see things back to front compared to me, ie: my solution to our house bursting at the seams with no room for a child would be to save up for an extension, whereas he says we can’t afford that (we could if we budgeted, but the thought of spending large sums of money on anything terrifies him) and then a year down the line he’ll still use the same excuse about the house not being big enough!

I love this man with all my heart. He’s not only my partner but my best friend. We have a really warm, affectionate loving relationship and I couldn’t imagine not sharing the rest of my life with him or wanting a family with anyone but him, but when I’m laying awake at night I worry that I’m going to look back at the age of 40 and nothing has changed and I’ll have missed the boat. I often wondered why such a charismatic, loyal, caring, funny person such as him hadn’t been snapped up before – perhaps it’s because he’s just too much of a Peter Pan? Or perhaps I just need to be patient and stop worrying so much? Opinions welcomed, thank you.

OP posts:
minko · 03/04/2014 15:08

So marriage isn't going to come first then. You don't have to be married, it's not the law, and it doesn't sound like you have the luxury of time to wait for all that anyway. Suggest you start ttc asap!

The whole 'doing things his way' is bullsh*t. I hint that it'd be nice if my husband bought me flowers. Then he says he can't buy them now as it wouldn't be spontaneous. So we're back to him never buying them...

Offred · 03/04/2014 15:08

I know women have a shelf life obviously but I don't think that should be used to blackmail a man into a baby he doesn't want. The woman can leave and have a baby either on her own or with another partner. It isn't acceptable to push someone into something they have said they don't want and I don't want a baby right now is the same as I don't want a baby when you are a 35 year old woman.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 15:09

Offred no, he's not controlling at all. (No issues with my independence / going out with my friends / pursuing my hobbies, etc) If anything he's too much of a free spirit, hence aversion to planning.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 03/04/2014 15:11

I get that Offred, equally a man shouldn't sting a woman along when they know perfectly well said woman wants marriage and kids, no?

minko · 03/04/2014 15:12

OP, you need to listen to the advice people are giving you. Yes, you love him and it's all very sweet, but he is leading you a merry dance.

olathelawyer05 · 03/04/2014 15:12

"No, ola-man, I have the right to the end product, because I can choose a man to impregnate me."

....and if this 'chosen one' says no, what are you going to do? Sue him for your 'right' to have a child? Do you actually think the OP can sue her boyfriend and claim damages for the 'misrepresentation' in making her think they would have children? With respect, you're nuts.

Offred · 03/04/2014 15:13

There's more than one way if being controlling and refusing to make plans is one.

The idea that he would refuse to marry you at the time and in the way he wanted to just because it was you that suggested it means he is definitely controlling - that is extremely controlling behaviour. The truth may just be he's lying and doesn't want to marry but doesn't want you to leave him (which is also controlling btw).

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 15:13

'He's just one of those people who has to do things his own way and if I said, for example that I wanted to get engaged on our anniversary / my birthday / Valentine's day, etc, even if that was the time he had in his mind, he'd probably not do it then because he'd want it to be spontaneous. '

Do you even realise how incredibly immature, passive aggressive and controlling this is?

Offred · 03/04/2014 15:14

Of course he shouldn't but I already said that in my first post.

mansize · 03/04/2014 15:17

How on earth is him wanting an engagement to be a surprise to the OP immature, passive aggressive and controlling?

I must be missing something.

Jan45 · 03/04/2014 15:19

So it works both ways Offred.

OP, only you really know how serious this man is about you, you're certainly not being unreasonable to expect marriage and kids after 3 years and being mid 30's, all very normal requirements for any human being. I'd be concerned if I was you about his reluctance and apparent, his way or the high way approach, yeah he can impregnate into his 70s, you definitely cannot.

Original poster
CarryOnDreaming · 03/04/2014 15:19

How on earth is him wanting an engagement to be a surprise to the OP immature, passive aggressive and controlling?

I was questioning this myself mansize

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 03/04/2014 15:20

So yes, I do believe he's 100% committed to marrying me. He's just one of those people who has to do things his own way and if I said, for example that I wanted to get engaged on our anniversary / my birthday / Valentine's day, etc, even if that was the time he had in his mind, he'd probably not do it then because he'd want it to be spontaneous. That's what I mean by he won' be led. (Frustrating, I know!)

So he's convinced you that he's such a free spirit blah, blah, blah. He has got you right where he wants you, hasn't he? He isn't bothered about you going out, having your career etc - because those things don't cost him anything, it suits him for you to be busy and have your own life.

The things which you want which would require some compromise and effort from him - namely marriage and babies - are the things that he is denying you.
He insists on a bigger house or an extension but won't save. He can't take leave, won't have a registry office because of his big family.

Please, please open your eyes before you waste another 3 years waiting for him. He does NOT want to have children with you or marry you.

Val007 · 03/04/2014 15:20

Ola, what a brilliant idea!

Anyone in that position may become bitter enough to sue a partern for misrepresentation. Then others will know it is not a nice thing to do! Serves them right. How is this lying different to other types of lie? It is surely costing the OP basically everything - as in my opinion procreation is vital. I don't see how anything else can beat this. I repeat - in my opinion. I don't feel like justifying it - just sharing it.

Martorana · 03/04/2014 15:21

You know, the older I get the more I realize that "free spirit" and "git" are synonyms................

lurciolovesfrankie · 03/04/2014 15:22

Look, for heaven's sakes, you're both grown ups.

You sit him down (possibly over a nice dinner if you want it to be all romantic), you say "I am not getting younger. I would like to start TTC in the next 6 months. I love you. I would like that baby to be yours. Please will you marry me?"

He says yes (great outcome) or no (not so great outcome, but at least you know where you stand).

olathelawyer05 · 03/04/2014 15:23

In my opinion, there are pink Elephants on Mars....don't feel like justifying it though mind...

GilmoursPillow · 03/04/2014 15:24

Martorana Grin

Offred · 03/04/2014 15:25

Can you really not understand that when someone refuses to let you have a say in something unless it is their way only or tells you lies to prevent you having a say they are being controlling? Confused

In this case controlling you is so important to him that he'd apparently be willing to cut off his nose to spite his face.

mansize · 03/04/2014 15:25

I agree lurcio

I think jumping to conclusions about him being a git and this all being a cleverly concocted plan to control and abuse OP until she is infertile and then, finally, he can leave her is a bit absurd, tbh.

minko · 03/04/2014 15:25

Agree with LLfrankie!!

lurciolovesfrankie · 03/04/2014 15:28

It will also flush him out if, as Offred suspects, he turns out to be a controlling bastard - if his response is along the lines of "you've ruined everything by having the temerity to propose and spoil my moment..." then you know to run like the wind. But hopefully you'll simply get a yes or a no out of him.

mansize · 03/04/2014 15:28

But offred, by that logic then any kind of surprise or spontaneity is controlling, surely?

I read that not as 'it's his way only' but that he wants it to, understandably, be a surprise!

Of course I could be wrong and he is a git, but I'd rather not jump to conclusions either way because I don't think it's helpful to the OP.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2014 15:29

'How on earth is him wanting an engagement to be a surprise to the OP immature, passive aggressive and controlling?'

Because he knows damn well what she wants out of the relationship, and instead of sitting down like a grown-up who respects (and therefore loves) the OP and really discussing all of it, maybe even compromising some of this 'spontaneity', he dangles this 'some day' carrot.

Marriage and parenting are supposed to be partnerships, not one person throwing the teddy out the pram because the other one's reasonable suggestion contrasted with their desire to be 'spontaneous' and do it their way.

Good luck waiting for his 'surprise', OP. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

The only one whose clock is ticking is you.

Offred · 03/04/2014 15:31

I don't think he is planning to leave her when she's infertile.

He's said he doesn't want children right now and he doesn't know when/if he'll be ready. At 35 that is the same as saying he doesn't want children.

He may be too chicken to say he never wants marriage/children at all and manipulating the op to stay by putting her off with bullshit about an extension.

He may not want marriage/children with her and if they split he might meet someone he did want them with.

He may want children and marriage with her but not now, eventually.

Or another scenario...

Thing is if he doesn't want children right now it isn't because he is dragging his heels and the op just has to lead him, she has to explain her feelings and respect his and make a decision about her fertility, her feelings about children and her relationship based on those things.

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