How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

Three your living in a fantasy, please slap yourself and snap out of it

THERE IS NO HAPPY ENDING

Fuck me hun seriously get over it, how much advice do you need. Now I know how everyone must have felt when I was in this situation wanting to reach through their laptops and slap me very hard.

This is a toxic situation, you will get no happinness from staying in this affair, telling the OW or staying in your marriage. If he can't leave home because of the children then your risking him lose his children, how cruel is that.

I told you he won't come for you, his kids mean more to him than you'll ever be to him. Then what are you left with, a world of fear, worry, panic, guilt, failure and total utter loss. Your world will cave in, those friends will disappear after finding out what you done and take you DH side.

You can rescue it by cutting it off now or carry on and lose everything, it's that simple

OP you are most definitely in the affair bubble...I wonder what it would take to burst it???

You honestly need to stop...how many people do you need to tell you that it wont end happily. You have advice on here from people that can tell you what it's like from every angle - but you just keep going. You are not listening to what people are saying.

You still have a chance of maintaining some control if you just stop contact now, and move on. It will be hard, of course, but you don't need to create a carcrash situation as that will not make it easier for you.

You still haven't told us anything about your DH?

she ain't listening, str8

AF - agree

Think of it this way: You tell the wife, and what happens?

She is devastated, feels suicidal, maybe files for divorce or tries to piece together the scraps of her marriage.

Kids are devastated and start acting up.

MM drops you like a hot potato and tries to salvage his marriage.

She tells your husband (ditto wife's reaction)

Your kids are devastated (see above)

You are heartbroken, vilified and lose respect of husband, kids, extended family.

Lengthy and expensive divorce(s) take place.

Now ask yourself, is that a price worth paying? Are those furtive shags really worth all that?

I'm listening. Honestly, I'm listening.

If I was happy with all this, I wouldn't be posting here. But this is going to take me time to sort out.

My dh is a nice, kind, placid kind of guy.

We've been together 18 years.

He is also cold, distant, thoughtless and massively emotionally unavailable.

He just doesn't need someone close to him in his life.

We got on well, fancied the pants of each other and were happy for the first 7 or 8 years. Later years (after children) were interspersed with some happy times and some crap times, until gradually it was all crap.

The coldness and lack of affection slowly killed me. Since I started this affair, I too am cold and emotionless at home so there's really no marriage left now.

I don't think he's even noticed

Affair bubble...such an apt description. I dont think the OP is ready, willing or able to get herself out of this situation. I'm leaving the thread.

Good luck, OP.

Sorry but he didn't chose to start an affair though, you did

The only thing that needs sorting out is you emailing him telling him it's over no more contact.

You need time to sort your head out away from OM, not dragging it out with OM

Good luck and goodbye x

I'm not suggesting that you stay with someone that you do not love. But is there really no chance of you reinvesting in your marriage and family - you will have been emotionally unavailable since you started the affair. I assume your husband will have picked up on this, and the chasm between you will have grown.

The answer does not lie in fucking someone else's husband.

You need to step out of the fog that is clouding your judgement.

OP - you do understand that your affair hasn't just made you more distant at home, it's stopped you finding your home life and relationship so bad that you've done something about improving your life! If you had no OM, then it would just be you and your DH. That would be the only relationship you had, and it would force you to focus on it and probably would have pushed you to end it or try to improve it, but you wouldn't be in this situation you are now.

As long as you are with OM, your home life will not improve. Being with OM is actively stopping you sorting that out. Sorting will be shit and hard, but once it's done, you'll have the chance of happiness, if you don't sort it, then this is as good as it gets, a shit homelife with the occasional high from stolen time with OM. After 2 years, if OM wanted more than the occasional stolen moment, he'd be pushing you to both leave, he's not, he doesn't want that.

This is as good as it gets unless you take action. Telling OM's DW will be the one form of action that would remove control of the situation from you. The second the words are out, that's it, you are no longer in control. You will have to just have to then sit back and let everyone else move around you and at best, are just in damage control - and trying to do damage control for your DH, your DCs, your financial situation, and probably without support of extended family and friends. You will be forced to end your marriage at the point your DH finds out. It will be on your DH's terms. Not yours.

End both relationships. I would put money on your OM panicking if you said you were leaving your DH and actively trying to stop you, encourage you to wait a few years. Your OM isn't going to be a help to your long term mental health.

BTW - i think ended both/either relationships will be hard, and ending one while you're continuing with the other will be hard. If you end with OM, then you'll have to grieve for that relationship in private, keep that sad secret to yourself.

If you end your marriage, that will be practically and emotionally difficult for you and your DCs and you can't ensure OM will be there for you. It also will be hard when people are being nice to you, to not blurt out about OM.

Yep, I've thought through both those scenarios a lot.

I'm not sure I've got it in me to be able to hide my emotions enough to carry out either of those options successfully without just blurting out the truth.

Not with any particular motive, just because I can't see me being able to keep it in.

You've been cheating and lying about a major part of your life for two years, so surely it wouldn't be that hard to carry on lying about why you're upset. You must have really honed your skills in deception.

Totally understand how hard it is to hide your emotions and the reason. I had not one but several other emotional crises going on at the time we split which were more than enough to explain my fragility/mood. People just assumed there was no other reason.

Without that to mask things I don't know what I would've done - sorry no help there.

I did confide in one carefully chosen friend who I knew wouldn't judge me and has been a real comfort to me. Just someone to listen.

So if you pick It all apart OP, what do you want to do, and what do you expect the outcome of your actions to be?

It sounds as if you are wallowing in the hopelessness of it all. Surely you're past all that by now?

As you say, the DW lives 40 miles away and knows none of your friends or family so what does it matter if you tell her what's been going on.

Face her, she might open the door with one of her children next to her, tell her you've been shagging her DH for 2 years and you cannot take your pain anymore that he won't commit to you. Tell her all the times you have met under the pretence of her DH being away with work, taking days off, getting back into bed next to her, holding her, cuddling her, making plans with her and the children. Destroy her life because you think it's unfair that only you should be unhappy.

For the love of sanity, you have both destroyed enough in the 2 years you have been screwing around behind both of your families backs.

You won't end it, I can't help but feel you are getting off on this, saying you're listening and then justifying your actions once again - for your own selfish reasons screams through your posts.

She may kick him out, she may work through it, she may have a breakdown, she may feel suicidal, she may get vengeful with you. But then it doesn't matter because you don't know her and she lives 40 miles away and you have appointed yourself as some innocent in all this because your own marriage is dull.

Roll the dice OP, play with a few more people's lives.

As I said earlier, it's easier to keep a happy secret than a sad one.

However, you'll cope, unless you are spectacularly selfish, by repeating to yourself that to tell anyone will just mean you feel just as bad, but now other people are also in pain, and that losing your relationship with him willbe hard, but as long as you do keep it to yourself, that's all you lose.

Misery really does love company doesn't it?

You said "lots of people know anyway" so hopefully some of them will support you.

The people that are close to me will understand how I got into this mess, and will support me, yes.

I don't know how I am going to grieve in silence. The temptation to be able to talk about will be overwhelming.

Counselling? As suggested?

Or I would consider telling your DH in isolation, from the point of view of already having ended it but feeling unable to keep it from him (though it seems that is for your needs rather than his rights. Sigh.)

Of course the temptation to talk will be there, and in a normal relationship, talking the ending through, having sympathy from friends etc is all part of the recovery process. But this isn't a normal relationship, you chose to have a secret relationship for 2 years, knowing that to talk openly about it while the relationship was taking place would cause huge problems, talking about it once it has ended would be just as bad.

If someone had said to you before you got married, "you'll have a relationship in the future, you'll love him, he'll be like a soul mate, you'll be so much happier when with him than apart, but you'll never mention him to your friends and family, even though it lasts a couple of years", would you think that was impossible for you to do? Yet because it's an affair, you did it.

You'll cope if you want to. If not, it's you who's future will be fucked up for what will only be a few minutes of feeling better having talked.

It's all your choice still, start talking to your DH, friends, OM's dw etc, and it stops being your choice.

I think dh would be top of my list to tell.

Mainly because he sees me everyday and I don't know how I'm going to hide it.

The only thing stopping me telling dh is the affect on the children.

Having an affair fucks with your mind, it really does. There is a bubble element. It is a continuous rollercoaster and because of the "other" relationship there is usually an imbalance where one person is more ready to leave their relationship than the other.

Having said that (and i cannot read 9 pages of comments) wtf are you vaguely contemplating telling his wife. its none of your business as odd as that may seem. Sure tell your husband if you want to wreck your own relationship thats your choice but why are you trying to mess overtly with his relationship. I think you are all over the place, I understand that. Feel free to message me, talking to people in your situation does help. I have discovered that recently.

What's stopping you is the impact on your children? FFS

This is after admitting telling his wife would expose everything and posting about how it would not impact you that much.....