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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

280 replies

ThreeTimesALady · 01/04/2014 18:37

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

OP posts:
FoxyTerrier · 02/04/2014 16:04

struggling ...would not suggest living in ignorant bliss. Just don't think the 'affair partner' is the right person to dish out the news of the affair - they will have their own motives, that will not be in the interest of the innocent parties...just their own self-pity and selfishness.

Malificentmaud · 02/04/2014 16:05

Struggling - in many ways the wife's life is ruined. But it is her husband who should decide what to do, not the third party. IMO.

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 02/04/2014 16:22

I have had masses of great advice from this thread. Appreciate it a lot, and am taking it all in.

I am gradually coming to realise that the very thing I looked to, to give me some sort of personal happiness in a fairly miserable marriage, is in fact making me miserable.

However, like an addict, it is impossible to just stop. He's still my source of happiness despite the awful situation.

I still therefore have no idea which way to turn. It's taken over 2 years to get to the point I'm at now. I don't suppose anything is suddenly going to change overnight.

OP posts:
chaosagain · 02/04/2014 16:25

"like an addict it's impossible to stop".

It's not. It's just difficult. Nothing is going to change without you taking it on your shoulders and owning responsibility and making it change. It's up to you to do something and see it through. You seem to be waiting for someone or something outside of you to do it for you. That isn't going to happen.

Will it be hard? Sure. Will it be worth it? Hasn't it got to be better than where you are now?

AnyFucker · 02/04/2014 16:29

Certain things are "impossible"

Curing cancer

Bringing loved ones back from the dead

Winning a few million on the lottery (well, I keep trying at least)

Stopping shagging some bloke ?

No, not impossible at all

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 02/04/2014 16:30

Well, I'm not sure it would be better than where I am now.

Not if ending the affair just puts me back in boring, loveless marriage with no viable way of getting out of it Sad

OP posts:
str8tothepoint · 02/04/2014 16:32

You sound very much like me, dragging it out when knowing the inevitable is going to happen

There isn't any good time and you'll always find excuses and become more miserable and unhappy

Walk away from OM, book some leave and get away, stop ALL contact.

Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 16:33

LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HUSBAND THEN! Angry

FIND SOMEONE SINGLE.

OR BE ALONE.

FGS. GET A GRIP!

miaowmix · 02/04/2014 16:37

If I was the wife I would absolutely not want to hear it from the OW. I can't understand your motivation at all other than to assuage your guilt...

FoxyTerrier · 02/04/2014 16:38

Why are you staying with your husband?

What is so special about your affair partner?

anklebitersmum · 02/04/2014 16:43

You asked how people would react. Badly is probably the most honest answer I can give. But not in front of you.

Would I rather know if it were my DH? Absolutely.

The very fact that the OW, not my DH was the one to tell me would tell me all I need to know about my marriage. It would be dead. Done for. I don't think I am alone in that response.

I wouldn't want to know how sad you are, or how your marriage is a lost cause or how you 'never meant for this to happen' I'd want your address so I could cite you in the divorce papers.

And then I'd want you gone like the bad smell you'd be to me.

TheKnightsThatSayNee · 02/04/2014 16:59

Why is your happiness entirely based on your relationships? No wonder neither is working. Get a hobby, get some mates, get some self esteem and stop fucking up everybody else's lives so your not bored. I really feel for the innocent partners and kids in all of this.
You sound incredibly immature and self involved.

Protego · 02/04/2014 17:02

The man has created a no-win situation for all here. Now that you are trying to look at it objectively TTAL you are appreciating that there are complex ramifications - known and unknown. We can only move forward; and figuring out the least worst or kindest thing to do is probably the best way to extricate yourself without adding insult to injury.
I am glad that you do not seem inclined to lash out or take revenge on him that would probably hurt his family more. Consulting with MN-ers shows this. Melt away out of his life and resolve to avoid such traps in future? With any luck he will be caught out with a future infidelity and your name need not come into it. Chin up as MMUTS (my mother use to say)!

RedandChecker · 02/04/2014 17:09

I think it is different for everyone. The truth hurts but sometimes is better.

The OW told me when it was my DP, when he came
To his senses and ended it. She was obviously fuming Hmm anyway - I was angry, because I know she was only
Doing it to hurt me when it was over for her, and hope that I would leave him, she did not do it to help me. It depends what your intentions are, how you say it, what it is your hoping to achieve from bringing it up after it has finished. Maybe he came to his senses, and would never do it again, in that case I think id rather not know. But two years is a long time, if he is not regretful, sorry and if he is not genuine about her or happy in their marriage then it is better for her to know.

I forgave my DP. And sometime wish I never knew, but I am stronger for it and I think we are too I also think it took him seeing me so hurt and nearly losing his family to wake the fuck up, unfortunately, so in that sense it was better it was out.

Please stop sleeping with men who aren't available, it breaks hearts, families and ruins lives. Oh and karmas a bitch.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 02/04/2014 17:12

You do seem to be very passive - as if the only alternative to your affair is just a humdrum life with your DH. Surely that's not true.

Why don't you be brave and split up? You might just enjoy being single. Your family might be happier too. Why don't you invest your time and energy into that.

Back to your question. If you came and told me you had been shagging my DH for two years? I would tell your husband, then your children, your friends, your work, etc etc.

Let's hope it's not my DH, eh.

YoDiggity · 02/04/2014 17:15

Sorry I've just realised that the bloody autocorrect at work has used ingenuous in my last post, when I hope it was obvious I meant disingenuous.

Fairenuff · 02/04/2014 17:15

ending the affair just puts me back in boring, loveless marriage with no viable way of getting out of it

Is this a true statement OP? Hmm

Tell me, what legal and financial advice have you had. Do you live in the uk? Do you own property or rent? How old are your children? Do you work?

Answer these questions and we will see whether your circumstances are as dire as you make them out to be.

Fairenuff · 02/04/2014 17:19

If you came and told me you had been shagging my DH for two years? I would tell your husband, then your children, your friends, your work, etc etc.

Take out an advert in the local paper...

Hand out flyers at the school gate...

Email everyone in your address book...

These are all things that I have personally seen women do when they have discovered their husband's affairs OP. If you really want to throw some shit at the wife, you'd better be prepared for a lot of it to rebound onto you.

str8tothepoint · 02/04/2014 17:23

I don't really agree in karma's a bitch because its not just one person in an affair. Does it imply the man has to put up with his partner who he cheated on and the single person gets a lonely life????

And the last person who used the phrase to me was his DP who he carried on the affair with me for another year so I'm guessing that was her karma??

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 02/04/2014 17:28

I live in the UK, yes. In a rural area with very limited child care options.

I have a part time job which brings in about £10k a year.

It's actually quite a good, professional job with good prospects were I able to work full time.

This is my plan for when the kids are a bit older. But at present time, it is a non-starter to work full time with an hour commute each way and a huge lack of child care.

We are also in massive negative equity so I would either have to take on the mortgage myself, or sell up and be £30k in debt before I start.

And that's without even thinking about the practical and emotional consequences of a split.

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 02/04/2014 17:30

Aw poor you Angry

Jog the F on.

Original poster
ThreeTimesALady · 02/04/2014 17:31

I can't say I'd really be bothered about everyone in my life knowing. Lots of people know anyway.

It's only the affect on the children, I'd be concerned about.

OP posts:
longtallsally2 · 02/04/2014 17:35

Not if ending the affair just puts me back in boring, loveless marriage with no viable way of getting out of it

There are ways out, if you are unhappy. Just post afresh on the relationships board, that you are in an unhappy marriage and unsure of how to go about getting yourself free. Forget the affair. You can end that. Think about getting a life - you only have one, and you are not building a happy one nor an honest one.

Because you have been in an affair, you have probably cut yourself off from old friends too, as you have not been able to be honest with them. However, there is time now, to rebuild. Keep on going as you are for another year, two years, five years, and it will be so much harder.

balia · 02/04/2014 17:36

I'm at a loss, really. And unclear as to why your only choices are to tell his wife or stay in your loveless marriage. How is it that making their marriage blow up would change anything for you?

You aren't an addict, please don't try to use that to justify yourself. You are just a selfish woman. And now you aren't going to end this betrayal and deceit because you might be bored? Well I'm sure she'll understand then. You are the only woman in the UK who has absolutely no alternative but to stay married and doing that without shagging her husband would be boring. FFS.

YoDiggity · 02/04/2014 17:37

If you don't feel you have enough strength and resolve to just walk away and not look back and you need a situation where a spouse knows to force your hand, then how about you start with your own husband? If pain and hurt must be brought down upon people who have done nothing to deserve it in order to release you from the trap of being addicted to this man, then I strongly suggest you start with the pain and hurt of your own spouse and children before you move onto his.

If that then starts a natural chain of events that means she finds out anyway then so be it. But at the moment you sound like you want to punish her because your lover won't leave her for you. Meanwhile your own family remain oblivious and unscathed.

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