How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

[ThreeTimesALady]

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

Oh sorry, x-post. You mean you could get out but you'd like to work part-time and keep the nice house. So obviously you need to betray everyone around you (and not discreetly, as you haven't even managed to keep it quiet). Now I understand. It's so hard to find something interesting to do in the afternoons, isn't it?

How old are your children OP?

What legal and financial advice have you taken?

My natural inclination is sympathy with the op, whatever she/he posts, coz I can see that they are often stuck and want to make change.

However, you sound terrible op!

I reckon one day you'll look back at this and think, what on earth was I thinking...

I'm just confused because you are giving financial reasons for not being able to separate, yet if you told the OM's wife about the affair and she told your dh, then you would be separating anyway.

Your reasons for staying with him seem 'made up' and 'flimsy'. Have you actually sat down with pen and paper and worked out what benefits you would be entitled to, what property you could afford to live in, how much childcare would cost if you moved to a less rural area, etc.

I don't think you've done any homework at all, I think it's all just a bit too much effort for you to do that. It's easier to amuse yourself with someone else's husband whilst living off the earnings of another man.

Three, been there and done that. Except I didn't tell the wife. After a lot of soul searching I realised (blatantly obviously) I was the problem. I had made bad decisions. So I left my DH and the OM. Best thing I ever did.

I too felt addicted to the OM, but actually I was addicted to the thrill, feeling attractive, getting attention (at least sexually). And it worked, for a while. But once I walked away from him I felt relieved. And now I wonder why I ever felt that way as he was a bit of a dickhead.

Now years on, my self esteem is still shattered - I look back and think what a selfish bitch I was, feel disgusted at myself and now cannot trust anyone as I know what infidelity is and even I (someone I thought was quite moralistic) got involved in something so poisonous.

Walk away now. From both men. Work on yourself. Get counselling. Be strong.

Every post you have written contains selfish motives. You are only thinking of yourself and your unhappiness, your boredom, your finances.

I have all the time in the world for people who truly show remorse but your posts are beyond belief.

You've even told people you know? My goodness, I bet they are 'great' friends to support you in this awful life. I wouldn't expect my friends to stick around if I was telling them about a sordid affair. But then I surround myself with good hearted people and I can look myself in the mirror.

Get some morals - those poor people you are both deceiving, unbelievable!

Firstly, man up and dump the married man. Chances are he's shagging a third or fourth woman anyway.

Secondly, put all the time and effort and headspace you've been wasting on your affair into your marriage, your kids, your friends, hobbies etc. I bet you've been neglecting all of these things for two years!

Thirdly, stop acting like a lovesick teenager. You're a mother of three in your late thirties, I'm guessing. The thrill of the sex and sneaking around will wear off sooner or later and you'll be back to square one having wasted 2+ years of your life.

OP, I really believe you need to make a clean break and get some therapy, as stated earlier. You say he is 'your source of happiness'. I can see that in your head it must seem a great, dramatic love affair, but in reality, for any man - let alone a married man who wont leave his wife - to be the root of all the joy in your life... Well, that it is just deeply sad and unhealthy for you.

Again, I dont say this in judgement. But your perceptions have become skewed and it sounds like you have given up all control (and responsibility) for your own destiny. That way only misery lies. Take back your happiness as something YOU control.

Some fantastic , fabulously written advice here.

I was wondering Op , how would you feel if the MM told your husband about the affair?

I think my last few posts have come across wrongly.

OM is far from being my only source of happiness. He is my source of romantic and emotional attachment happiness.

I have lots of other things in my life. Work is great. I find it very fulfilling and I would love to be full time.

I have lots of friends, I go to college, I help out at the kids school. I am busy busy busy all the time.

I have pushed all these things even more so over the last few years (pre-dating the affair) because I know my marriage is going down the pan and I am lonely at home.

OP, get relationship counselling.

Seriously. Go on your own, but find someone who is used to dealing with relationship messes.

What every post you've made here smacks of is a lack of self-knowledge. You don't really understand why you are having the affair, or why you want to tell the OM's wife, or who the real victims are, or what is wrong with your own marriage or what your real options are to get out of this mess. So you are rationalising desperately but very little of what you are saying rings true.

You can't make good decisions based on bullshit - your opening question being a prime example. That would be a bad decision, but the lies you are telling yourself makes it sound OK to you. And you can't carry on drifting like this, hurting everyone including yourself and 2 sets of innocent children. You need to get help to see the situation clearly and then you need to take some decent decisions.

However, like an addict, it is impossible to just stop. He's still my source of happiness despite the awful situation

Absolute rubbish. You just don't want to stop you silly woman.

I can't say I'd really be bothered about everyone in my life knowing. Lots of people know anyway
I thought earlier it'd be the shock of the century or some such hyperbole if people found out

You know all those other things that you say bring you happiness ?

It's highly likely that most or all of them will be also be blown out of the water if you tell your MM's wife.

I'm not sure about that?

She lives 40 miles away and would be a complete stranger to every single person in my life.

When I say it would be a big shock if it came out.......

It would be a shock to everyone in his life. Not necessarily in mine. Although it would be a shock to everyone that I am not sufficiently close to, to have shown any sign of this.

"Obviously this is awful for everyone. But the only way out of it is pain & hurt for me."

You know, I never ever post in threads where I know I'll become bitchy, 'cause it's not nice to project negativity at people. Far better to just walk away in my opinion.

However, I find myself unable to not post on this particular thread. Frankly OP, you sound like one of the most selfish, self centred, woe-is-me muppets I've ever come across in my life! I'm literally sat here trying to scrape my mouth up off the floor. It's all me, me, ME with you!

I don't like to judge people. We're all human at the end of the day and we all fudge it up big time eventually. And that's okay. It's okay to be human - it's okay to be flawed. But it's not okay to play the part of the victim when you knowingly get involved in something you understand to be inherently wrong! If you want to go screw about with a married man, that is your choice to do so. But accept the consequences before you jump right in. There is no happy ever after for anybody involved in this mess you and the MM have created. And guess what? If the only person who ends up devastated by this shitfest is you - I'd say that's pretty good damage control! It's also no less than you deserve. You want to jump into a snakes den? Fine. On you go. But don't moan and cry and expect any sympathy when you get bitten. Suck it up!

If there is one thing in life that I cannot abide it's a weak, pathetic woman. Oh but I love him! Oh but he's like a drug - I'm just addicted to him! Oh but I could never leave him! Oh but I'm sure he loves me and we'll ride off into the sunset together eventually!

Excuse me while I go and vomit into a bucket.

Grow a backbone! Dump his ass and go find your dignity. And don't you dare destroy another woman's life because you're feeling blue. You feel shit right now - you should. Call it penance for 2 years of good sex, excitement and frolics with a married man. It's the price you pay.

Jeez, I want to burst through your screen and shake you. And not because you've been porking a married man - I couldn't care less, it's your life. What infuriates me about you is that you have the audacity to feel hard done by and upset by a situation you knowingly created. What infuriates me even further is your weak attitude. Say goodbye and walk away. Don't destroy a damn family because it was just far too hard to leave the unavailable love of your life

it's hard to believe that a real person could be this self absorbed, isn't it, VT ?

Good post Vino

Op, have you thought that your need to create a public and large and dramatic ending to this situation is to do with making this part of your life, that has meant so much to you, and changed you, be more "real"?

This affair was/is real, it's happened, it's effected your life, it's been a big part of who you are for 2 years, yet if you quietly end it, it'll be like it never happened, particularly if MM never tells and just carries on with his life. It could be that it seems insane that something so significant to your life is something that will just end with no one knowing about it.

You aren't planning to tell MM's dw because she has a right to know, or because it's the only way to end it, or even because you want to punish mm, but in order to force everyone to know about something that's been so important to you.

However, that instinct, for the dramatic ending, will steal any possible control you could have over the next few years. If you plan to stay with your DH for a couple of years longer, to try to get yourself into a position where you can support your dcs alone, to have the time and space to sort out your life and your dcs lives, then you need to accept this is part of your life you just park for now.

Just tell mm it's over, then mean it in your head, no bridge burning in a dramatic way, no big emotional "but it's wrong", just a simple "I've decided I don't want to be on a relationship with you anymore." Don't feel you should spare his feelings, in fact I'd aim for hurtful and nasty (because he at least deserves that!) - it'll reduce the chance he'll chase you if he thinks that you genuinely don't want him, not that you do want him, just not the situation.

Then take all the energy and effort this affair has required to keep it going for 2 years and put it into your new life plan. Ime, people in shit situations who have affairs end up with the affair keeping them in the shit situation, it takes too much headspace for you to focus on improving/getting out of a crap situation, by providing excitement and romance and interest, it masks that those are lacking from your life.

Years ago, before I married DH, I had a very dull job. There was a very gorgeous and funny married man there, who I'd chat too, play silly games over the intranet with (along with others) and generally have fun with. Nothing happened, and I don't think either of us would have been interested in an affair. He was head hunted to a competitor, and within a month, I'd updated my cv and was looking to go elsewhere. It wasn't that I couldn't cope without him, it was without him there, I realised how dull my job was and that I could do better.

With MM in your life, you might finally realise you can and should improve your life.

(Sorry for mammoth post!)

I've NC'd for this so as not to out myself.

OP these are the things that I have done to retain my sanity when going no contact with OM. Not necessarily what would be advised as the best things to do but they've helped get me through the past 5 months.

Didn't try to stop thinking about him - thought about him as much as I wanted to which was 90% of my waking hours (and some of my sleeping hours - he cropped up in all sorts of weird dreams). Now it's maybe 5%. I used to think about him last thing at night and first thing in the morning every single day, now just occasionally.

Worked my way through every single possible permutation of fantasy in which 'everything worked out in the end' even though I knew that's exactly what it was - fantasy. Eventually I'd gone through everything and got a bit bored and started to think I didn't actually want him after all.

Allowed myself to think that maybe he would contact me 'one day'. I know that this is massively unlikely but I reason that by the time I realise that it really isn't going to happen that it won't matter to me. I'm getting there.

Listened to all the music tracks that reminded me of him pretty much on a loop whenever I was alone. I hardly listen to any now.

All this was terribly self-indulgent but made time pass in a more bearable way.

Things I did that are probably more conventionally the right thing to do.

Hid him on Facebook and have never ever looked at his wall. I didn't want to see his 'happy' life going on. I had no need to block him as I know (99.9%) he'll never contact me again.

When I felt the need to communicate (that was what I missed the most, the intimacy) I wrote 'to' him in a password protected document on my PC. To start with it was several times a day at length. Now it's a week or more between entries, a couple of lines at a time - I've got better things to do now. It's been helpful to read back at what I used to feel and see how far I've come.

Had a few counselling sessions. I will have more when I'm ready to confront the issues in my marriage. I need to move on from the affair first.

Given all this if he were to appear back in my life I don't know that I would be able to say 'No thanks' but I think that I just might and I know that the more time passes the more I'll feel like that.

You can do it.

MaryW hits the nail on the head about it seeming insane that something so significant in your life ending with no public acknowledgement. You can be in absolute pieces inside, crying every day as soon as you are alone driving to work. You need that emotion to go somewhere - I think that's where my coping strategies came in. Helped me manage till I could start to behave more constructively.

ThreeTimesALady Just wondering, what is the problem with your husband? You mention it's a loveless and boring marriage. What's your DH like?

At the moment, you do come across and self pitying and, sorry to say it, pathetic. I just wonder what is going on in your marriage?

Gosh MaryW and Yellowboots, what insightful posts.

Thank you

You're both very right about how difficult it is to keep such a big part of your life secret.

I think that was my original motive for wanting to get this 'out there' by telling his wife. Just pure frustration.

If we end this, I don't think I'll be able to hide it anymore.

Weird, but true.

We did no contact once for 6 months. In the end he came back to me saying he still missed me and couldn't get over me.

After 6 months, I still felt the same.

The thought of starting that process again now when we are both in so much deeper is bloody awful.

OP - just back from work and catching up on your posts.

It sounded as if some progress was being made last night - then today we are back to the beginning.

You are being incredibly self absorbed. You don't care if your friends find out. It won't impact you etc etc. I'm not even sure I believe you care about your children - you certainly don't care about his (a man you profess to love) so I am somewhat nonplussed by your declaration. I doubt that you have any more than a fleeting regard for their welfare right now.

If you had posted 2 years ago "help - I'm thinking of having an affair" the posts would have told you that you will end up EXACTLY where you are now - and I think you would have pressed on regardless. Why?

Your posts demonstrate you have an almost psychopathic disregard and absence of empathy for anyone other than yourself.

Your justifications - such as they are - are based on an assumption that you are somehow deserving of happiness - without putting any effort into obtaining it - at the expense of anyone or everyone around you.

I used the term "emotional terrorist" in an earlier post. I still think it's apt now. You are like an suicide bomber holding a trigger - just waiting to detonate a the point of greatest collateral damage - but justifying your actions by a sense of false righteousness.

Being in a shitty marriage doesn't give you licence to behave like this. You are not trapped - YOU just haven't put in the necessary research on what support is available to you.

OP - I understand why you think it'd be harder to keep it a secret once it's ended than while it's going on, because you'll be upset and emotional, are you the sort of person who cries and wants support from others when dealing with upset? It'll be doubly hard to end it and then have to act like everything's fine. It's easier to keep a happy secret than a sad one.

You need to think about what you want from your life, and while MM is in your life, he's stopping you to do that. While you're sneeking around and putting your emotions into your relationship him, you arent able to put them into your marriage or your plan to get out of your marriage and crappy job situation.

Tell MM if he really cares about you he'll let you walk away until you've sorted your life out. Of course, it could well be he won't do this because he doesn't want you to sort your life out! If you leave your DH and start a new life as a single woman, he suddenly has a woman who he could be with, he won't just be staying with his wife because he cant have you anyway (as you are married with a family), he'll be doing that because he prefers being with his DW. If you are single, you might want someone to share your life with, you might pressurise him, or even worse for him, find a new man you could have a full relationship with. If you aren't miserable, would you need your ego boosting with a sneeky shag from him? If you are building a new life, will a text from him mean so much? MM has a good life now, DW at home running the home and you for excitment. If you were to do anything to rock that boat, he might well fight against it.

Has he, at any point over the last 2 years, when he's known you are unhappy in your life, helped you plan a way out of your current situation?