anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

mouldyironingboard. My first priority is to my existing relationship and my children. That comes first. Always.

The lack of support? That would be the dealbreaker. If me having relationships (or simply sex) with other people got in the way of me doing what needed to be doing - that right there would be the problem.

It wouldn't matter if that was a lack of support because I went out with mates to the pub (I have neither mates or a propensity to go to the pub) or to watch football (which I don't), or any other activity that took me away from what I needed to be doing.

Given the very high percentage of monogamous relationships which end badly (either because of infidelity or for a whole variety of other reasons) it's interesting how frantically some people want to defend the patriarchal instituation of sexual ownership by insisting that rejecting the tired old heteromonogamy model will lead to Terrible Things. Yes, sometimes open or poly relationships go wrong, feelings get hurt, etc. But sometimes they don't. Life doesn't come with guarantees: you can do your best to be fair and kind and reasonable, and bad stuff can still happen (not always through the actions of others, sometimes things just Go Wrong eg accident or severe illness).

fear not, i'm settling into fetlife now too

although part of why i started this thread was that this is a parenting site (in hindsight i should maybe have put this in parenting rather than relationships) and I think there are certain aspects of a parenting that are going to be unique to a poly-relationship and it'd be nice if there were other poly-parents on here who could share their wisdom.

last night i kind of regretted starting it, but actually on the whole the thread has been pretty interesting i think (even if most people think i'm insane... nothing new there)

I agree with LovingFreedom. I think your spouse would soon look at the situation differently if it was you going out and having sex with another guy while he was babysitting four children.

I think this is working for you right now as it takes the pressure off of you sexually and relieves the guilt for not satisfying your husband. Thus leaving you free to concentrate on your children primarily and also to nurture the more loving, nurturing side of your relationship with some fun sex thrown in.

I'm hoping you were discussing this before you became pregnant and the idea didn't just manifest itself recently. The reason I mention it is I was a totally different person when pregnant and breast feeding, it was as though someone gave me a lobotomy and I didn't notice! I was holding onto some quite extreme ideas and feelings and then one day the fog of breastfeeding lifted and I reappeared blinking into the sunlight wondering what the hell had happened lol.

haha no, this was discussed prior to me becoming pregnant, which was quite some time ago given that I'm due fairly shortly.
and as I say, it's all fairly new... i guess maybe a month or so? so we've had a LOT of discussion before actually deciding it was right for us

as an aside, he wouldn't be babysitting his own children :P

there is, understandably, a lot of focus on "what if it was the other way round"

we HAVE talked about this and personally I don't think it's quite as simple as it sounds.

being fair in a relationship means that everyone is having their needs met, it doesn't mean that everyone has to do exactly the same?

I am happy with my partner and our sex life, hence not wanting or needing to find anyone else.
My partner was less happy, so we've found a solution to that.

The other alternatives were:
he puts up with less intimacy/sex than he would like
I have sex when I don't want to
we break up

none of those options really appealed to us!

I'm as positive as I can be that if I find I have an increase in sexual desire that he can meet that need. We've been together for about 10 years and I've never wanted to find an alternative partner in that time, so I really don't think I would want to start now. If I did then that's something we would talk about

'babysitting my four children'?! Really?

I don't babysit my own children. ffs

I'm glad this thread turned into grown up discussion, rather than what you had at the start, which to me seemed to amount to 20 people saying, 'well I wouldn't do that.' I don't feel it's in any way inappropriate to discuss this on a parenting site.
cakey fair play to you for answering everyone's questions so openly and honestly, you've considerably more patience than I have! It's obvious you and your partner have discussed this at length and you seem to have found a solution that works for you.
I've no advice for you, but it's refreshing to read that there are people out there who are prepared to challenge the norms to find their own path.

I agree with a lot of your posts SGB but can't see how this arrangement is challenging the patriarchal 'ownership' model. Rather I think it might be reinforcing it via a 'wife and mistress' model.

Do your children know about the type of relationship you have?

Well said madeupstuff - this really annoys me!

no, they don't know anything about it for a variety of reasons.

partly it's all a bit new.

partly they're pretty young still (oldest is 9) and so it isn't really the kind of thing we would discuss with them.

I find this fascinating tbh. Its not for me but each to their own. If it works * and I mean really works, one party isn't doing it to appease the other) then I say fair play!

What about your libido though, what if it increases? At what point does your sex drive become enough for him. Say if you suddenly want sex twice a day and thrice on weekends? Is that enough? Does the other partner no longer serve a purpose?

Madeupstuff, what would happen if you preferred sex and intimacy with your new partner compared to your wife? What if your new partner becomes pregnant?

After watching Sister Wives, I wouldn't mind having some of those... just don't want the husband...

mouldyironingboard - good questions. Some things are better/worse than each other and some are just different. The sort of intimacy (and sex for that matter) you get with one person may simply be different than the other. Even if it's the same type it may not be better, and even if it is, why not have both?

I think that misses the point, but I'm not really sure how to answer it properly.

If someone becomes pregnant? It's not my body, so I wouldn't feel like I had any automatic right to an opinion - but otherwise I would expect that sensible, grown-up conversations would be had and the best thing worked out.

... which is what you'd do in any relationship where an unplanned pregnancy happened. no?

I think this thread has been worthwhile even if it was just to raise everyone's concerns and to feel you have considered them and are still happy.

I can understand this being a better alternative to breaking up and a better alternative than fucking nameless people on one nighters. However don't underestimate the emotional element of sleeping with the same person regularly. There is scientific fact that for women it releases a chemical that bonds them to that person which is why women find fuckbuddy relationships much harder than men. So even if your partner is able to disconnect afterwards, the OW may not and could start wanting more from your OH down the line. Its a funny old situation and whilst its easy to compartmentalise arrangements and feelings at the beginning, they have a way of getting all muddled and fuzzy down the line.

^'Oxytocin is a hormone that both men and women have. It is released in our bodies when we orgasm, and also during childbirth. Oxytocin is sometimes called the “love” hormone or the “cuddle” hormone, and that’s because it increases our levels of trust and can make us feel more connected to that other person. Oxytocin is also one of the hormones that helps a mother bond with her baby, which sort of explains a lot if you think about it.

A lot of women will report feeling a connection with someone after sex, even if they don’t quite understand that connection. A lot of women will also say that they feel closer to their partners right after having sex. Both of these things are results of oxytocin.

If both men and women experience the release of the hormone, then why is that guys don’t feel that same attachment after sex? While scientists don’t know everything there is to know about oxytocin, they have found that estrogen seems to increase the effects of oxytocin, while testosterone kind of shuts down those effects. So, since women have more estrogen, and men have more testosterone, women feel the effects of oxytocin way more'.^

Now that's interesting. thank you.

Cakeymccakington, could you cope with your DH being responsible for a child with another woman while remaining married to you?

I would be jealous if my DH even looked at another woman so I admire you for being able to cope with your DH having sex with someone else.

I have absolutely no idea how I would respond in that situation

Plenty of men out there responsible for another child outside of their current relationship though.