anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

Interesting thread!

This is something I've considered over the years, but certainly not with my current DP, I love the intimacy that we share, and I wouldn't be happy with him having that with someone else.

I'm of the opinion that if it works for you, then it's all good.

Some of the holier-than-thou judgement on this thread astounds me.

THe stuff about women being less able to separate sex from love is sexist bullshit and crap science. It all stems from the same root, which is that men invented monogamy as a way to control women's reproductive capacity, and all the rest is just conditioning.

okay - that's interesting.

oh dear. Sounds like he wanted his cake and eat it. Especialy while it is more difficult for you to get another partner.

And you sound a bit of a doormat type. A people pleaser? And thinking that you are happy and comfortable at the same time.

I dont think he thinks much of you tbh.
If I was the man, I wouldnt.
I would struggle to respect my wife if she didnt stand up for herself. Why should he stand up for you, when you dont?

This has roots in you. Probably your childhood.

What a bitter, nasty post 126sticks. Horrible.

I've not much to add really but this is a really interesting thread. For what its worth im a feminist and I would love to have a poly relationship. Dh knows this and isn't on board. So we are monogamous. Some people just can't get their heads around it. Dh is one of them. Men aren't always the ones with the high sex drives!

Then I shall pm the op. Didnt mean it to be.

Really 126? Re-read it. Awful and very judgemental.

I have pmed her.

I'm confused because SGB is insisting that men alone invented monogamy to control women. But the objections to the OP on this thread all seem to come from women interpreting it with a strange mix of conservatism and feminism, that views enforcing monogamy upon the man as indispensible to protecting the rights and equality of the woman. There seems to be an unspoken assumption there that given such equal opportunity to shag more than one partner, more men than women will want to (which may be true, I don't know), and it will basically result in the man "getting" things he shouldn't be allowed, which weaken the woman's control over him.

Meanwhile I as a man, think this sounds like a very reasonable idea. And in all the relationships I've known where any kind of swinging etc. has been discussed, it's been the man's idea and the woman who's objected.

But maybe this is one of those things where because it's bad, it must have been invented by the patriarchy. And when women appear to promote it even more than men - even to the extent of insisting men conform to it against their preference - it must be because the patriarchy sneakily programmed them to do that so it could make it seem like it was their idea!

The patriarchy does indeed move in mysterious ways.

Thank you for the pm 126.

I think if you asked people who know me in real other terms doormat and people pleaser would almost certainly not crop up

This whole thing was my idea. I like it! I don't want another partner, but if I did then we would discuss that and make sure we were both happy with it.

Fair enough

What if he falls in love with whoever he finds?

you dont have to justify yourself to anyone - there are risks, i am sure you are aware - i hope you get all the info you need.

126 your post is really ill thought out!

then lucky him

madeupstuff, being completely honest I think sleeping with other people is very high risk emotionally and physically. However, if your marriage is likely to break up if cakey can't meet your sexual needs, than I believe that you don't have much to lose by trying this. I'm sorry if I sound negative and I really hope that you can make this situation work.

Lucky him?

But what say if he wants to move across the country with her?

126, bit of a shitty post.

Can you tell me, what if he says no..Im not happy with you finding someone, I thought I would be, but now its a reality, nope!!

Also, what about your libido, what if it increases? At what point does your sex drive become enough for him. Say if you suddenly want sex twice a day and thrice on weekends? Is that enough? Does the other partner no longer serve a purpose?

i think that's pretty unlikely given that we all live and work in the same area and she is living with her long-term partner.

quite frankly if he decided to abandon me and the children and move far, far away I guess I'd think I was better off without him!

if my libido increases then we just take it as it comes I guess. if it gets to a point where he literally cannot cope with the amount of sex he is having to have then I guess we'll all talk about where to go from there.

i think it's fairly unlikely though :)

I keep thinking this is like when you open a gate, and let the horse out.

Or a genie out of a bottle.

Not sure it van be got back in again, even if you wanted to.

Personally, I prefer to keep my man pretty darn close.

As regards the him moving away, presumably he is free to go with whoever he wants now. So no reason at all to assume that he is going to stay in your neck of the woods for any given length of time.

But my point it, if this is for him so he is not suffering because of your libido and that changes, then her position becomes obsolete, no?

126, people can leave people at any time. Ive seen 50 year old marraiges crunmble, new relationships bring heartache, FBuddies complicating things and walking away. There is no guarantee (and there should be no obligation) that people stay.

Yes, but she herself has chosen to break down his barriers.
Nothing to stop him straying whereever he will on the planet.

no, he is not free to go with whoever he wants.

i think it's pretty unlikely that he would meet someone who lived really far away. and if he was with someone local i can't imagine why he would choose to give up his job and move far away.

but hey, he might! it's not something i'm going to worry about though

"Nothing to stop him straying whereever he will on the planet."

that's pretty unfair on him to be honest! it assumes he would have no qualms about upping and leaving his family.
given that i know him pretty well I think I'm safe in my assumption that he would not do this.

but if he did then like I say, i'd be better off without him