anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

in our case yes, our relationship would be considered the "primary" one. i have no doubt that other people have far more equality within their relationship though.

Why would anyone ask anyone else to stop seeing someone. Isn't it that it's like having friends...you wouldn't ask your friends to stop being friends with someone else. You wouldn't try to control who else they go out with or do particular activities with. I'm not talking from experience here really. I'm personally not wedded (??) to the idea of monogamy, but I'm also not personally attracted to the one man, many females model that seems to be commonly presented on dating site profiles. For one, I wouldn't believe the guy unless I heard from his wife, but also the 'stud farm'/'harem' angle doesn't appeal. Just saying. What others do is up to them.

Lovingfreedom I accept the control. I think that it comes as part of a relationship that you want to be very long-term.
I wouldn't want to be with someone that was doing something distasteful (to me). At that point you can either value the relationship more and suck it up, ask them to stop or you break it all up.

I don't understand that reply MUS. What do you control? What would be distasteful to you?

i would ask my partner to stop being friends with someone if they were doing something that I felt very uncomfortable with yes!

how he responded to that would then obv dictate what happened next... is it a deal breaker? is he willing to cut that person out of his life? am i willing to end the relationship? am i willing to just put up with it?

it's ongoing and fluid and this is why communication is so vital. I would hope that all of us are being open enough with each other that potential issues don't get so bad that it would lead to a break down in any of the relationships

I should have said that I accepted being controlled (to a reasonable degree). Trying to think of examples and failing.

i think ALL relationships have a certain level of that kind of control though no? certain hard limits on what is/isn't acceptable on a whole range of things from the mundane to the super important.
we all give and take and make concessions and that's just how it works isn't it?

Well your wife doesn't seem very confident that she has 'control' over whether or not you continue or stop a relationship with another woman that she might feel uncomfortable with.

for example,, if i decided to develop a drug habit then I am sure MUS would be pretty unhappy and insist I stop.

and I would then decide to either stop and continue the relationship or carry on and risk it ending.

He might tell me he's decided that he's only going to eat Nestle products from now on and I would tell him he either stops or I kill him in his sleep...

it's the same with anything

i am 100% confident that he would stop a relationship I was unhappy with.

And tbh my opinion is it's unreasonable to agree for your partner's relationships to develop outside your marriage (and with poly if I've understood right it's not just sex it's loving relationships) and then retain the right to pull the plug if you're not happy with it any more.

Yes that would be my point Lovingfreedom. The difference with the drug situation is that you never agreed to it in the first place.

Looks to me like one of the major advantages with poly relationships is that there are no assumptions; Everything has to be communicated, everything has to be discussed, a consensus has to always be reached. You can't rely on traditional structures, so you have to build your own together.

From my relationships perspective, it's been thoroughly bonding and liberating just to explore the possibilities.

Your reply at 11.11 didn't sound 100% confident, that's all.

it isn't unreasonable if we've agreed to it to start with!

The idea is great...the holy grail pretty much. But it worries me when we see the male using terminology such as 'control, hard limits, distasteful to me...' It's the traditional language of patriarchal control. The woman here is kidding herself about being in control. It's a traditional male 'cake and eat it' scenario.

i think it was me who used the term hard limits

and MUS's comment referred to being controlled by me...

Well I guess so if you really are both happy with it.

I can't help feeling that your DP is doing rather better out of the arrangement than you and certainly I think I would feel a bit of resentment myself at being left at home with 3 children and soon a baby waking up in the night etc while my DP was off sleeping with someone else! I hope he does his share of the housework etc

I'm sorry OP, I was too blunt. I just worry that you're getting a rough deal. Obv it's up to you. But do take care. It's even slightly concerning that came onto MN to discuss it and up pops your OH. I would put money on him being extremely uncomfortable with you taking another partner. But I'm guessing now really I suppose.

i appreciate the concern. he lurks on MN anyway and I'd told him about the thread which is why he popped up :)

saker, i spent quite a while chatting with his other partner last night while he cleaned the kitchen lol
we're lucky in that the children generally settle mostly ok, so i get a nice peaceful evening, which i enjoy.
it remains to be seen what will change when the baby arrives

Try telling him to stop. Watch the fallout.

I know someone who grew up with her parents in an 'open' relationship and it really messed up her family.

The reality of the situation is that her father slept with new partners but her mother had lost her libido and her confidence due to having four young children, little sleep and no support. Her parents ended up divorcing and her father remarried one of the 'partners' who had became pregnant. The second marriage also ended in divorce because his second wife couldn't cope with an 'open' relationship. None of my friend's siblings have married or had children (they are all in their 40s now) and my friend divorced after a very short marriage.

My view is please, please think carefully about the example you are setting your children. If your sex life isn't working as a couple wouldn't it be better to divorce?