anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

That all sounds a bit like there's no particular overall boundary that everyone agree to. For example, presumably the OP didn't get any right of veto over your decision to get involved with the other guys, while being involved with her husband - or any input to the nature of your involvement. And presumably she get's even less input into their decisions over whoever else THEY decide to be involved with.

It depends on the sort of relationship you want - some poly relationships will want power of veto over any potential new partners and will be a closed group, so any sex with someone outside the group would be just as unfaithful as it would be in a monogamous relationship.

I think the ones which are most likely to be successful are the ones which really work out all these details. Relationships do take work, and in poly relationships, things generally aren't taken for granted, whereas I think in monogamous relationships, people often do work on assumptions about what they both want, and then may find out they don't actually share the same opinions on children/opposite sex friend/porn/working parents/whatever else. I think this is less likely to happen in poly relationships, because it's naturally more complicated, so people work out more things from the start. That's not to say no one in monogamous relationships makes an effort to work things out - clearly many do. And it also doesn't mean that poly relationships never screw up, because they do. But there's no standard configuration in the way there is with monogamous relationships, so there has to be more up-front discussion about what would and wouldn't be acceptable to all concerned.

Me and Mr Shelby sorted out our boundaries years ago but still check to make sure we're still on the same page. Cakey and Mr Cakey are doing that now for their relationship. She had the choice to veto me just as Mr Shelby had veto power over my choice of partner/s.

Does Mr Shelby have partners too?

Mr Shelby was seeing a mutual friend of ours until recently.

I don't want it get sucked in it what is looking more and more suspiciously hairy.

I do want to say that it I was pretty upset by the attitude demonstrated towards non-traditional relationships even being allowed to be discussed on mn

I know lots of families that don't have the traditional family role set up and I sincerely hope the my dc grows up feeling able to define her own boundaries and not be constrained by a perceived norm.

That's a beautiful attitude, Herrena.

What if things change? You went into this because of a libido miss match so feel that it's not likely that you would want another partner, that's logical. What if you find yourself sexually attracted so someone else and your libido takes on a new lease of life, how would that work? Wouldn't your partner feel hurt?

Blee at shared toys.

Surely its just permission to cheat, all sounds very seedy to me and I feel sorry for your children

I have been in a poly relationship and have a lot of poly friends, in fact I would point to the guy I was dating and his wife and child as the best example of a healthy relationship Ive ever come across - they are very in love, they communicate a LOT all the time, they always put their child first, and the child is the happiest best-parented child Ive ever come across (and super cute too).

It seems to be the case that the people who gravitate to these kinds of relationships just dont have that innate jealosy of other partners that most people do, and im not saying that either way of being is a better way, just that it doesnt seem to be a part of my personality in general. Its not really about one partner being "better", its about having a relationship with someone and each one is different in the same way that you can have many friends and youll have a different relationship with each one. Sure you can have a best friend, but it doesnt mean youre only with your other friends because they are busy.

I am sure that you will all live happily together. Not.

Far better for children to grow up knowing that there is a range of options as to how you conduct your sex life than being told the same old bullshit about longterm heterosexual monogamy being the model that everyone should aspire to. If sexual ownership was 'natural' then it wouldn't need to be as brutally enforced as it is - breaching monogamy is still seen by quite a lot of people as the one thing that makes domestic violence, even to the point of murder, excusable.

I thought this thread had died last night.

MrsJoeHart - I might (it would be stupid if I ignored the possibility) - I can't guarantee how I'd feel, but I think it would be okay. Anyway, taken slowly and with everything in the open, you have a chance to stop things before getting too hurt.

126sticks There are no current plans to all live happily together - that's an entirely different thing.

Hey poly folks.

My girlfriend and I are exploring an open relationship at the moment. At the moment we're still dipping our toes - she has been on a few one night stands with guys and girls whereas I have...not. For me, the jealousy isn't a problem, but what is getting me is the envy -it's so easy for her to pick up people of either sex, while I'm very shy so currently I haven't had a chance to explore at all! This is certainly not a problem, I'm extremely happy that she's happy, but I'm wondering if there is a way she could support or assist me (she's very willing to try).

So one question is, in your experiences of yourselves and others, do couples ever support each other in finding other partners, or is it largely left to the individual? I appreciate that it very likely varies widely and answers will be limited to your experience, but if it does occur, what form does it take?

My other question is, if you encounter regular folks who you end up flirting with, how do you explain your situation? As a guy, I can all to easily imagine women believing that I'm simply a cheater who is lying about the open relationship and quite legitimately throwing a drink in my face. I think it'd boost my confidence to have some ideas of what to say!

neo i think the key is brutal honesty and full on communication. say it like it is!
i would imagine that if it's ONS you are looking for then potentially girls you flirt with who are up for that are not going to be overly bothered by whether or not you're cheating? I may be massively over-generalising there though
I guess they will either believe you, or they won't, but if the desired result (on both parts) is simply to get laid, then does it matter what the motive is?

in terms of assistance finding partners I'd have been/would be more than happy to help MUS if he wanted/needed it. In fact, I kind of like the idea because it gives me more input into the kind of person he might end up with as a partner and it also allows me to put my "side" across, as it were because I do think you're right that a lot of people assume that this kind of relationship is just a cover story for cheating.

NeoFaust I can't comment on the envy thing, but I can on the other point.

I haven't had the situation where I've had to tell anyone 'regular'. There really isn't much chance to flirt on a day-to-day basis for me, but I've had several conversations with people online who you start to talk to and then you check that they've read your profile properly, and they haven't and then they back-away very quickly.

That didn't answer the question at all, did it? I'll leave it for someone else.

I have a high sex drive so would enjoy my partner allowing us to have an open relationship so I could shag some more people. However this is where I think it would fall down.

There is an intimacy that goes hand in hand with a healthy monogamous relationship. It's almost imperceptible as it is so subtle but it is definitely there and the thread is strong.

Directly someone else moves into the 'circle of trust' and becomes intimate with one or both, there is a change. A joke that might have been shared between the primary couple now instead gets shared with the secondary pair. A new 'move' appears in the bedroom, that whilst spices things up, is apparent it comes from the secondary relationship and something deep inside resents that/is jealous.

STDs kind of goes without saying. I assume everyone has had tests? I know the easy comment here would be 'ah, we use condoms' but of course we are all adults, we know that as you get comfortable in a relationship condoms tend to stop being used and other contraception takes it's place. As we are talking Poly relationships I assume the OW's partner is also having other relationships or is liable to? That's a whole other window of STD risk being opened up immediately assuming the secondary primary relationship is not relying on condoms 100%

My main problem with it though is pregnancy. What would happen if the OW (for want if a better word) became pregnant with your husbands child? What would happen if you became pregnant by another man if down the line you decided what was good for the gander ....? I know that would kill me.
There is something very primal about reproduction and it would be an absolute deal breaker if I agreed to an open relationship on principal only to find out a baby is born off the back of it. Mentally I know I would fragment.

So whilst OP you weren't asking for opinions, I have still given you mine as a pretty liberal 30 something year old woman who has been around the block a few times. You are new to this and I'm sure it has the capacity of working, but only if some strong boundaries are set down first. For that I think you REALLY need to find a specialist site frequented by couples who are decades in to this sort of set up.

The reason it's not mainstream is because it is beset with potential pitfalls that could see the end of your marriage. We are not animals living in a herd who get serviced occasionally by the male and then rear our young together with the other pack females. We are complex emotional beings with high intelligence and the capacity to feel jealousy.

madeupstuff No worries man, it gives me a clue that the trick may be to mainly look online or in a more specialised RL environment. Thanks for the response!

Cakey, yes I think you are generalising that people who have a ONS don't care if the partner is married or not.

fluid bonded

[vom]

Lovingfreedom - yes, that is a gross generalisation. While there are some people looking for a ONS that might not care that clearly isn't everyone (and may or may not be more than people after something more long-term). Anyway, I've never done the ONS thing and have no intention of starting now.

sebsmummy... good post! thank you
as Shelby said further down, sexual health is one of the most important things in a non-monogamous relationship. Condoms most certainly will not stop being used and yes, everyone involved has had full STD checks and will continue to be routinely checked

the intimacy thing... i guess I just don't have that worry! so far the intimacy between myself and MUS has only improved, not suffered and I think that if, in the future, it became an issue then obv we would need to talk about that and figure out what needed to change in order for us both to be happy within the relationship. if that meant going back to a monogamous situation then that's what would happen.

pregnancy.I have thoughts on, but feel odd discussing it as the erm "ins and outs" of that (for want of a better phrase) are more to do with MUS and shelby than me I suppose.
I have several reasons for thinking it's really highly, highly unlikely to happen though

why is fluid bonding vom?

the idea or the term? i'm assuming most of us here are fluid bonded with their partner given that it's a parenting site lol

Is everyone equal in a relationship like this? For example if the OP asked her DP to stop seeing the other woman, as I understand it, he would. What if the other woman asked the OP's partner to stop seeing the OP? Does the original relationship take the priority?

Just sex is one thing, it's easy to ask the DP to stop having sex with another person. But once there is an emotional bond, it is much harder if the OP suddenly decides she is unhappy with the situation and asks her DP to withdraw from his relationship with the other woman. Would he feel it was fair to do that when nothing in his relationship with the other woman was wrong and it was founded on an open and fair basis?