anyone else in a poly relationship?

[cakeymccakington]

new to it all and fancied a chat with people who have btdt!

OP, I take my hat off to you for this thread. You've kept your cool throughout despite attempts by some posters to personalise the discussion and critically pull apart your relationship with your DP.

I am not polyamorous myself but I have enough respect for other people's choices to accept that relationships come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. There is more than one way for a person to love another.

thanks selks :)

weve dabbled in it, sometimes i find the thought pretty cool, even erotic. Other times i cant deal with it at all. I found that my feelings fluctuated too much, which was confusing, so we're monogamous for now. Im quite tempted to go back into it sometimes but im holding myself back a bit as i know it can mess with my head if im not careful and dp knows me well enough now to know if im suggesting things for the right reasons or not

Branleuse that's similar to my experience.

We have dipped our toes (open relationship rather than poly) and it's been exciting and fun but it hasn't been without it's problems. DP has had more issues with it than I have.

Same as someone upthread (Neo?) he found it frustrating that I was able to get so much attention and organise dates so easily while he struggled to get started.

The people saying it's all us women trying desperately to please and keep our men couldn't be more wrong. I was the instigator of our 'arrangement' and was the one who was more active.

Right now we're monogamous as we both got a bit het up and stressed out also I'm pregnant so our focus is 100% on our family. I'm pretty sure we will have another once the prospect of a social life arises in about 3 years time .

cakey you have been great on this thread. I respect you for not rising to the usual doom merchants who can't get their tiny brains around anything that isn't the norm.

i think there is a downside to the fact that women get more attention though, and that is that there is far more unwanted attention to wade through before you find someone you're compatible with

Oh definitely.

A lot of wading through boring messages and blocking idiots.

For me it's quality over quantity. I never wanted to just have sex with lots of strangers.

It's about making new friends and also having the freedom to explore a sexual relationship with those friends if the necessary chemistry and interests were there.

It took me almost a year to find someone I actually wanted to meet irl.

Its been me thats initially suggested anything remotely alt in our relationship. Dp loves all that shit but itsvery much a need for me too. Fuck knowswhy lol. I totally get why a lot of people are weirded out by the idea though. Its not exactly easy to rationally explain. Ive stopped trying to rationalise, and just concentrate on what makes US happy, and not whats necessarily conventional

yes, i've spent a lot of time thinking that i SHOULD not like this. and trying to examine whether or not I secretly do mind or why the fuck I don't lol

years of social conditioning to get over

I was surprised at how calm I was the first night DP went out.

I watched trash, ate junk and sprawled in the bed. I felt a wee bit weird the next day but nothing I couldn't process.

I have felt jealous at times and have tried hard not to bottle anything up or fester - we talk before anything gets ghw chance to become a problem.

cakey have you read The Ethical Slut? Although it's more aimed at poly people than just sexually open types I really enjoyed it .

I am happy with my partner and our sex life, hence not wanting or needing to find anyone else.My partner was less happy, so we've found a solution to that.The other alternatives were:-he puts up with less intimacy/sex than he would like -I have sex when I don't want to -we break up

hello Cakey ive name changed here, as im about to shere something , not because i want to cause trouble..

you wrote the above and that youve lost your libido and i have been thinking...

I too have lost my libido ( but i'm past menopause) , and i dont think its going to come back now the hormones have stopped. I love my DH dearly and would still fancy him (do!.. but just dont have a libido) , and we have had a long happy relationship . He is very sexually inclined still, so he(as you said above) puts up with less intimacy/sex than he would like and I have sex when I don't really want to (beacause I want him to be happy)

In the past has said he has had fanatasies about perhaps being bi /threesomes having relationships with other people as part of our relationship / wanting me to have relationships with other people./ etc , etc, so he might like poly it could be arranged...(actually I dont think he would really as hes said they are fantasies and in RL hed find it difficult and embarassing )

But i had a former husband who had lots of affairs .... and I said to my now DH (when we met 20 years ago) , that no way would i tolerate any affairs. That would be utterly IT ..

This above is so you know that I have given some thought to this especially after reading this thread.. but My questions are simply these..

IS loss of libido that important?
IS sex that important to enable a marriage or partnership?(i.e that it overides the rest of what wou get from a the relationship ).

and:
Should the person who doesnt really want to have sex anymore even consider that that their partner one SHOULD have a right to it , (even if its outside a relationship and it could make the former unhappy )?

BTW... id never go for Poly and an affair would absolutely mean the end for me .. so remember im not judging . im just asking..

BUt Ive been thinking this over with regard to my own relationship. (DH is happy with 'us' but dissapointed that i am not so keenon se any more) but my thought is....

IF sex is so Important, and IF you canot be happy without it, and IF for my DH life with me without sex would be so bad....

Doesnt that mean that in all fairness I should discuss that we split up have to leave him ..so he has a chance again ..?

(I seem to get the idea that was your thinking?and then you went for poly instead? )

I couldn't be in a polyamorous relationship. For 1 thing I don't even know how Id find the time Im too bloody lazy to "service" more than 1 man, even on an occasional basis. I feel whatever relationship people have is fine; monogamous, polyamorous, whatever floats the boat - as long as there are NO lies and cheating.

or more like .. sex for him and stability for you ? .. I am wondering what you this poly relationship is doing for you.. also OP?

Has the whole football team turned up yet? I'm shagging all of them by the way.

purple... i think that sex is v. important in a relationship. and I guess how you deal with a mismatched libido is going to vary a lot.
if you can both find a place where you are happy enough with how everything is then that's an ok solution?
i think that any relationship involves compromise in areas, so i wouldn't say I think that the partner who wants more sex has a right to more per se, but they do of course have a right to say that it's a deal breaker for them and to walk away or to want to find a solution to what they see as a big problem.

Should you discuss splitting up? I don't know...! I'm guessing if you've discussed the libido issue fully and honestly and if splitting up hasn't been something that either of you have wanted to suggest then I reckon neither of you want to. which is fine!

for us in particular I think that it was causing other issues in terms of resentment (on both sides) and unhappiness.
my DP has never pressured me into having sex but when you know your partner wants it and you don't you kind of feel pressured anyway, so I was finding that quite hard to deal with. It also led to a lack of intimacy as I felt that he would expect it to lead to sex.

Clearly for a long time we did both just put up with the situation in our own ways but this new relationship has allowed us to work through those other issues and I can say truly that so far it's been really very positive for us as a couple.

eyeliner... you're the third person in 2 days to recommend that book! I ordered it earlier

Look, women are told that we crave monogamy, that it is up to us to 'catch' a man and then keep him, and that men would rather be running around free as little birds.
However, the point and purpose of monogamy is so that men can be sure they are not supporting a child that didn't come from their sperm and that the weaker, less powerful men, still get to own a woman apiece for domestic service. Men invented religion to take back control of reproduction, and then invented an economic structure that made it next to impossible for women to live independently ie without a male owner. Men now use the threat of breaching monogamy to control women - if you don't open your legs, do more housework, stop nagging, I'll have sex with someone else.

Yes, that's the whole story in very broad strokes, but that is how things have worked and what underlies all the panic-stricken whining and condemnation when people reject the heteromonogamous model.

THis isn't to say that people can't ever be happy in a monogamous relationship. It suits some people just fine and good luck to them. But it isn't any more 'natural' than using a computer or wearing a swimsuit.

i think more people should be open minded about non-monogamy, and if they have trouble with staying monogamous, stop fucking obsessing about the idea that its the only way to have a healthy relationship and actually be honest with partners and find someone who feels the same.
Non monogamy doesnt mean your primary relationship isnt loving, special, sacred etc.
if everyones on board then it can work well.

SGB -

Aye, I agree with that last part.

I just think your historical analysis of how men alone "invented" all the things you're railing against is largely fictional. You're just making it up.

The fact that men had certain forms of highly visible power over women in many ancient societies doesn't mean that they had sole exclusive input into the complex of actions and decisions that led to social norms developing.

We are not discussing splitting up nor will we Ithink.. But i was surprised when i lost my libido and it also led to a lack of intimacy in other areas as i too was avoiding sex f (although he never pressurised me , as hes more of a submissive) but I knew it made him unhappy and me feel guilty and all those other things for a while actually ,

But I thought about it , as i didnt want it to end or seriously affect our marriage and have recently found that I can have enjoyable and intimate sex with no libido.. its fine ,.. (gel helps sorry TMI) and I even can have Os after a (long) while. But because his sub-y nature, ive do have to remind him often that he has to make the first move if he wants sex .. (or i probably wont notice he would like to) . But then i also remind myself to initiate sex at least every other weekend. I dont see this as demeaning even if it is hard sometimes .. I love him and want him to be happy ...despite that I think he'd like it more , and (im not saying you dont love your DP - not one bit) . and I dont want him to be grateful either.. .

You didnt say though what it was that youfelt you got out of Poly lifestyle? (am I allowed to ask that ?) after your last reply .. and also (after what you said about the previous issues of resentment and unhappiness,) Please could you explain , why Poly makes you feel better? .. is it about the stability for you (and sex for him)?

Please forgive me.im not judging.. . But im wondering now having read all of this thread..
Are you genuinely happy that your relationship has moved into this sphere as a solution? (im really not getting that from what you are saying) .

Is is simply what you feel is a 'fair response' to the 'problem' of your lower libido? or do you think you may have gone there anyway.?

Also does it make complete sense 'in your head' in where you want to be now?and where you want to be with your partner.. and where you think you might have been had you not lost your libido?

Also do you see continuing being poly going forward in life terms?

Do say 'Butt out Purple' if you'd rather thats ok too .. Sorry if im asking what I shouldnt..

you see you guys have found a solution that you both are happy with, and that's good!

what do i get out of it? i feel waaaaay more relaxed!
the biggest surprise to me was that once I knew that DP was not solely reliant on me to meet all his sexual needs (which i was failing at!) I suddenly wanted more intimacy with him. I no longer feel pressured or scared of things leading to sex. We've been more affectionate with each other in general and that's very nice!

I guess in a way I also feel happy that I am enabling him to be happy, if that makes sense? and get things that I was not willing to provide.

It has meant that we've talked about SO much stuff that previously we had avoided talking about. I've done a lot of self examination. I would say it has led to us having a far more open and honest relationship and instead of bottling stuff up I am actually talking to him a lot more (which is a big deal for me) and so our relationship has really improved.

and yes, i'm genuinely happy with it.

to start with it was a solution to a problem. but the further we go the more I realise that actually I really quite like it!

and yes, I think I can quite easily see myself enjoying this lifestyle even if my libido returns with a vengeance

Purple -

IS sex that important to enable a marriage or partnership?(i.e that it overides the rest of what wou get from a the relationship ).

You could turn that question around:

If sex is NOT that important, then what's the problem with one partner getting sex elsewhere, while you carry on your marriage or partnership without it?

Well , im happier in the fact that I dont have to avoid sex and that we have negotiated a 'different ' way of him being able to have some of the old intimacy he wants within the relationship if not all.. Im still not willing to tolerate affairs,as its not about sex (its about trust) or Poly as it certainly wouldnt work for me, but we have talked about if he wanted to go elsewhere then id not make a difficulty about any split..(but I dont think he wants that either) so I think we will be ok.

Sadly though I am still pretty dead from waist down but have come to terms with the fact that, thats what menopause has done to me).

I do hope DH is happier also ( I will continue to have sex with him as long as it feels ok , although I know he would prefer me a tad more Dom! - I must remember to get the heels out next time .)

I'm namechanging back now to my usual MN persona .. But thanks for talking to me .. Cakey .. I hope it carries on working for you.

fast just quickly before i NC back..

Well for me its not about the sex.. I can do without sex now.. but I wouldnt feel happy in a 'relationship' where my partner was having sex with someone else.. so those are my terms and what is the point otherwise?

OK its unfair perhaps .. but thats how i feel..and ive always been upfront with DH .. and thats why i said that if it came to it , i wouldnt make a fuss.. if he were to chose a sexual relationship with someone else over a non (or very little ) one with me.. (im not saying i wouldnt miss him of feel that he was perhaps a bit .. lets say 'not quite the person i'd hoped he'd be'.... but thats up to him..)

Right i'm off ...nice talking to you all..