Good point lizzie. And so pleased, folk.
Here is an extract from chapter 7.
If you hold my willy, it helps with my sense of direction.
This dating book wouldn't be complete without a selection of cringeworthy horror stories, purely for your entertainment. I know, I know, I'm good to you.
This section is named in honour of Geeky, who swept me away with his romantic affluence. I was like a boat, drifting on a sea of love-sewage.
Geeky loved me. Really loved me. We'd both never felt like this before. Reader, it was intense. So intense, in fact, that just eight weeks after meeting, we'd booked a mini break to one of the most romantic destinations in the world...Paris. We were made for each other and Geeky had been saving Paris for someone very special. That was me!
We would spend hours adoringly gazing at each other, enraptured by the romance of it all. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I do seem to attract starers.
The journey to Paris proceeded in this way, lots of loving looks. Yes, I know, pass the sick bucket! But, the Eurostar to Paris was one of the most amazing journeys of my life. I was sitting next to my beloved Geeky. For, like, hours. Even the married American couple opposite us were envious of our perfect love (detect the sarcasm yet?).
As we neared our supremely romantic destination - the city of lurve - I gazed once more into my beloved's beautiful brown eyes.
'Geeky, dearest...' I whispered (ok, I didn't actually say 'dearest,' I think I've been reading too many trashy romance novels). He gazed back into my eyes, his look of love mirroring my own exactly. We were in sync in the universe. He caressed my hand with a feather-like touch. My stomach somersaulted with the joy of true love. The married Americans averted their eyes, but I could tell that they were moved by the force of our love too.
I spoke again, softly, hoping to cherish every moment. 'When we arrive in Paris, baby, will you know where to go?'
Geeky was good with directions. He was masterful with a map.
Geeky replied, in a much louder voice than I'd anticipated. 'If you hold my willy, it helps with my sense of direction.'
There was a moment of stunned silence.
There was no way the American couple would not have heard. My only hope was that the word 'willy' had been lost in translation. Breaking eye contact abruptly, I pretended to look out of the window.
Can you believe another month would pass before I finally fell out of love with this man? As I said earlier, I was a little naive when I started out.