The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

Folk I like what your counsellor said. But now I'm thinking maybe there weren't really red flags with geeky and I spoiled it for no reason?

No I don't want to see author again but feel guilty as he has gone and ordered me a bloody gift!

I quite like Toryboy. Will see how tonight's date with Mr civil servant goes.

Folk I very much wish I'd read those wise words from your counsellor a couple of months ago.

dont From what you posted here, there were definitely red flags with geeky. Put him from your mind. And when you broached it with him, he didn't reassure you, or put himself on the line emotionally, he messed you around a bit more.

I think she meant that if you take an otherwise perfectly nice guy and are looking for faults/errors in judgement/mistakes/differences then you will find them. But that not being 'perfect' isn't a red flag in itself.

On another point. I've been to the hairdressers this morning as I was considering a couple of weeks ago. I had my hair chopped away (still 'long', but now shoulder length with lots of layers rather than very long and with long straggly layers). I had all the old colour stripped out and a really nice coppery brown put in.

It's amazing. I look like a different person!

Aw that sounds gorgeous folk!

I think you're right. When I asked geeky about the emotional manipulation, he could have told me he loves me. He could have asked me why I felt like that? He could have offered to come and chat. He could have reassured me that he would never try to control me. But he didn't.

Exactly, dont

Oh, and thank you It really looks lovely. I went to Sainsbury's afterwards and definitely got a few 'looks'

Folk Your hair sounds lovely! I had my really long hair chopped off last summer so I'm currently growing it again. Mine was way too short though - chin length - it's already past my shoulders thank god. I only get it cut about twice a year but it's such a nice treat.

Dont Geeky definitely displayed a bunting of red flags. I won't go into details but you know he wasn't good enough for you. The very fact that after you split up he still wanted a FWB situation to fuck up your mind proved that. Move on my lovely. And it doesn't matter if Author has ordered you a present. You didn't ask him to do that, he chose to. You have every right to say no to another date, or not to accept the gift. You don't owe him anything, so don't let him emotionally blackmail you into spending time with him.

folk what page is the red flag/counsellor comments on? Save me trawling through every post - I'd be interested to read them.

My counsellor talked to me about my personality and how I'm quite a strong person. Typically I'm attracted to quite strong, confident men but my counsellor suggests that there can't be 2 dominant people in a relationship, one of them needs to take a step back slightly but then not be controlled by the other - iyswim? It's all very confusing!

I now have a date on Sunday evening with Mr dartplayer but think I will meet up with Mr tall again just to see.

louby I've just C&P'd it for you - I don't know what page it's on. I only have 1 page.

I saw my counsellor this morning. She said that it's possible to find red flags with pretty much anyone if you look hard enough for them because nobody is perfect and you can generally find what you are looking for... I think the tricky bit is determining whether or not it's a genuine red flag or just someone being a perfectly imperfect person.

It's nothing major really, but I think it helped to hear it. As someone else said, we end up reading so much on the relationships board that it's easy to think everyone is waving red flags, we just need to find out what they are.

Not every 'bad choice' or error in judgement or whatever is a 'red flag' sometimes, it's just a person not being perfect.

You're right softkitty and folk. No decent man would've behaved like he did after we split either. It'd have been a clean break, no ambiguity and no sleeping with me or telling me he loves me.

Exactly, dont. He was a wrong'un and make no mistake

Folk your hair sounds lush, I had something similar done to mine a couple of weeks ago and love it!!

Agree with the red flag statement, i think the only reason I gave smallfeet a chance in the first place was because I realised my 'fantasy' boyfriend probably doesn't exist and if he did I would be nervous to speak to him!! So some imperfections are def normal, however dont your Geeky was wrong for you on so many levels, don't kid yourself that you ruined a good relationship. He ruined it by being an idiot!!

So I am off to Legoland tomos with dd and smallfeet, am excited but trying not to think about meeting his mum and sister on Friday as that makes me feel slightly sick!!

Softkitty I totally agree in principle with you re condoms but find in reality it doesn't always work out like that. Unfortunately you can be with someone twenty years and be unaware they are having an affair that puts you at risk of an std. Its quite difficult to ask someone who you are starting a relationship with if they have had an std check recently.

Regarding the condom issue, I agree in principle that one should be used but when do you stop using it? Do you keep using it? Or at some point when the relationship is not so new do you ask them for an sti check?
If you stop using one without the sti check well you may as well not have bothered in the first place. Quite complicated really

Ok please can someone explain what's wrong with me and tell me this is all in my head and I am not able to predict the future. I have it in my head that Bricky is going to start messing me about. I want him to be really keen but he seems quite happy not to see me all week this week which is unusual. I hope he's not cooling off. Why do men do this? Why do they get comfortable then get lazy and sit back? And what can we do about it?
Any thoughts?

If you said 'before the condoms come off we need to both have STI checks, surely anybody who would be offended by that needs to fuck off! And I say this as someone who was extremely worried about asking my current bf to do this. Turns out he was more than happy to and respected me more for suggesting it.

If you really think about it, we should only go with people who are happy to do this. If someone asked you that, what would you do/think?

santa thats what i did...used condoms until we wanted to move on and then insisted on a STI check.

If you think he will mess you around, he will. I really believe in the law of attraction, and the need to focus on what you want. Do you think he has given you reason to believe he will mess you about, or is it your own insecurities? If the latter, I think you need to try and get rid of those fears or you will turn them into a reality. Sorry, I know this is a bit woo, and a bit harsh!

He hasn't given me any reason to think that really, he's been very reliable and consistent. I think I'm just fretting because I think he may be getting comfortable after 3 months and am worried he will start thinking he doesn't need to make so much effort. This has been sparked by him not coming over midweek this week. He said its because he needs to go to the gym as he hasn't been for a week which is true but when we spoke tonight he said he wasn't going as his brother had cancelled.

I know I need to stop thinking like this and be positive. Does it sound as though I have anything to worry about.?

Santa it's probably nothing, try not to fret although easy to say i know

I think I'm shocked by how much I'm missing him and I realises I've become attatched to him. I desperately want him to feel the same and it's worried me that he might not be feeling it if he doesn't want to see me this week

Jarlin I know just imagine if they knew how we went on. I hate allowing myself to get like this and I want to be positive. Most of the time I am positive about him because things have been so good really. But then sometimes something will trigger the neuroses and I think it does have something to do with hormones in my case anyway. I'm please you think I've nothing to worry about and I am so so glad that we can all come here and offload too

santa you don't have anything to worry about, I quite often go a week or more without seeing smallfeet, I quite like having a bit of time to myself and dd so it doesn't really bother me.

Oh Jarlin is that how you feel, that you will never trust another man again?mi hope that isn't the case for you and ultimately you will but I can see why you would feel like you won't.

I haven't had any counselling I'm not sure I need to. I just need a decent bloke to prove to me over a period of time that he's genuine.

Girlie hope all goes well meeting the folks. When is it happening?