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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The Dating Thread 72

999 replies

LizzieBelle · 30/03/2014 11:10

Welcome Grin

OP posts:
Jarlin · 09/04/2014 21:09

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nowayitsme · 09/04/2014 21:16

You should wait and let him contact you. He knows you have his keys stuff and at some point he has to get in touch. I hope then, he talks and you get some answers. I won't be shocked if he says v little.

Its absolute crap how he is treating you. I've being on the end of something like this, its so shit. It takes up all your time and energy as you
play out the reasons its happening. I found its all down to communication[ I failed badly myself] if he cannot tell you what is going on, at the v least a' Hey..I am need some space can we talk, Fri] what chance do you have?

Scornedwoman67 · 09/04/2014 21:17

hi ladies. Blimey just spent half an hour catching up. Hello to the newbies. I am still taking bookings for my ladies-only desert island so please feel free to reserve your ticket
dont am loving the book so far. You have a real talent!
jarlin sorry about SB. I honestly think he may be really struggling at the mo & would just be there in the background, letting him know you're there for him. He has probably totally withdrawn from the world. It's true that everyone reacts to grief differently.
Now in an effort to lighten the mood, I need suggestions for things we could take with us to 'mumsnet island' (MI). As a starter for ten, I'm taking a year's supply of Krispy Kremes Grin

Scarey123 · 09/04/2014 21:19

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Scornedwoman67 · 09/04/2014 21:19

sorry scarey I meant to say I agree just ignore him. You have his key & he will want it back. He is a tosser. You can have a room with a sea-view on MI Wine x

jesy · 09/04/2014 21:23

Not sure it my best plan but I'm seeing Mr it tomorrow
He texted did I fancy dinner nothing else,
If I want to stay over I can have his room
He will sleep on sofa.
Just want to say he panicked he not seeing anyone else
But bot ready for full on relationship
Like I replied it's been a few weeks I made mistake of going into being like a married couple n I don't want that again just a bit of nice time.
I could be heading for a fall but like he said we still get on
I have backed off big time minimal texts no good am or night texts either

Scarey123 · 09/04/2014 21:25

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Scornedwoman67 · 09/04/2014 21:26

Crossed posts there. scarey you sound like a strong and confident woman. You are miles out of his league. His treatment of you is shoddy. jarlin glad you've heard from SB x

HelloBoys · 09/04/2014 21:27

Scarey glad you've got a bit more perspective on this and from a male point of view too which I find always helps a lot!

I only said what I said re the key for security and in case he thought you'd pop round.

Honestly in similar situations I've overanalysed, wanted to blank (I usually blank men I don't really care for if they've treated me this way which is on rare side!) or I contact or I remain neutral so when/if (and they do) come crawling back I don't so much as blank more remain don't care! Does that make sense?!

What hormonal and everyone else says in good relationships it can happen but when it does its easy no mind games etc.

Scornedwoman67 · 09/04/2014 21:29

well basically I've decided that we should all buy a desert island. For women. We will have a small cage in the middle to keep a few man-specimens. They might be let out for DIY duties but otherwise we will just chuck them a banana every so often. dont is supplying 500 copies of her book & I've decided to bring the doughnuts Grin

And you are most welcome to join us.

Jarlin · 09/04/2014 21:29

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Scornedwoman67 · 09/04/2014 21:35

Of course jarlin you're on the list...right, what's everyone else bringing. We need cheering up tonight ladies. .

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/04/2014 21:47

Scarey Your job sounds amazing, how did you get into it? I know it's tempting but don't text him at all. At all! Not now, in a few days or in a week. He has a million ways to get in touch with you, so there's no point. All it'll do is make you feel crap, weak and upset, especially if he still fails to respond.

Jesy I hate to say it but you're heading for heartache here. He's asked you to dinner (at his place, yes?) and says you can stay if you want and he'll sleep in the sofa. Erm, forgive me here, but if I had a pound for every time I've heard 'I'll sleep on the sofa', 'Nothing will happen' or 'I won't try anything, we're just friends', I'd have quite a nice savings account. You're being naive if you think that the evening won't end in sex, and that will most likely lead to you feeling like crap, because you know what? Sleeping with him, or even just having dinner with him, won't change his mind about being in a relationship with you. You deserve better. By letting this man keep you hanging, you're preventing yourself from finding it.

Jarlin Glad you've heard from SB and hope you have a lovely evening with him on Friday. I think your company will be just what he needs.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/04/2014 22:00

Just been on POF and happened upon this charmer's profile:

"really not wanting someone that I would be ashamed to be seen in public with so please take a look at your self before messaging me lol"

Needless to say I won't be messaging such shallow arse.

LittleMouseontheDairy · 09/04/2014 22:01

Hi, I posted a while ago as I had a wobble with my feelings re the man I'm seeing and some of you were kind enough to reassure me. I've lurked since. And just wanted to give some Flowers to those going through a tough time. I've been Confused at some of the behaviour from men some of you have been dealing with and Sad.
So like another poster up thread I wanted to add a positive story in case it helps reassure people that there ARE some nice men out there.
I've been seeing the man I met OLD for three months now and he is lovely - he is thoughtful, supportive, caring, sexy and full of plans for our future. He's been action as well as words - changed his car because his wasn't practical for my DS (stupidly difficult to get in and out of a car seat!), he's introduced me to his family and met mine. He texts me all the time, meets me when he says he will etc.
I've never been in love like this and I had lots of barriers up so it's taken me surprise too - it's only because he's been patient and forthcoming that I've trusted him.
I'm not posting this to make people feel nauseated but I really have felt that a nice positive story would encourage people - it's hard when all you read makes you feel nervous about dating - OL or not!
Btw if it's at all relevant , although I definitely felt 'something' on our first date , it wasn't instant fireworks. So those of you who wonder if things can 'grow' - yes they absolutely can now in my experience.
Ok I'll step back again now and I hope this hadn't come across as annoying. And obviously it's still pretty early days so fingers crossed it all continues..
But I think you all sound so lovely and I really hope you meet the men (or women!) you deserve too.
Thank you for your support when I needed it.

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 09/04/2014 22:04

That's really lovely LittleMouse, glad it's going so well for you. Smile

MatureUniStudent · 09/04/2014 22:08

Well I met him, and we had afternoon tea and then dinner. He was charming and really lovely but there was no spark. No chemistry on my side, no WHAM gosh you are what I want.

We pecked on the cheek goodbye and he said This has been really lovely, will you call me if you are interested in taking it further.

So how do I tell him "you were lovely but no thanks" as I wouldn't want to hurt him?

dontcallmehon22 · 09/04/2014 22:33

Just be very firm Mature. I've a section on this in the book actually. Just 'had a lovely time but there was no spark for me should suffice.'

I've done the dedication for my book. The last bit is my optimistic prediction:

'This book is dedicated to my dating thread buddies - you know who you are. I love you guys. I've not forgotten about our desert island!

Also, to Geeky, Smooth, Dave Mushroom etc al. Just thank you. Without you, none of this would have been possible.

To my pot of gold at the end of the dating rainbow. I knew I'd find you eventually!

Always,

'Lucy' x

BeforeAndAfter · 09/04/2014 22:47

Mature, if your date was good enough that you went on to have dinner following afternoon tea is it not worth considering if he's a 'grower'? A couple of people on this thread have enjoyed success with 'growers'. They're the ones that don't have an instant spark of lust but they're not a clear no as they have teeth and are the age they say they are! After a few really nice dates you start to find the 'grower' rather attractive. One theory is that the 'spark' (when you get that thwack of attraction where you just want to rip their clothes off) is a sign that you should run like hell!

If he's a definite no then I would probably wait for him to text me and then send a simple "thanks but no spark for me" reply.

FolkGirl · 09/04/2014 22:51

Blimey Scarey don't apologise! Have you not read my self indulgent ramblings over the past few months... .. . Blush

It's what every one is here for; give when you can, take when you need.

redundantandbitter · 09/04/2014 22:54

Frazzles. Great big bags of them.

FolkGirl · 09/04/2014 22:57

Mature The man I'm with is definitely a 'grower'. When I first met him, there wasn't really anything there at all. But I did like him and we had a lot in common.

He was/is just so very different to anyone else I've ever had a relationship with, for many reasons.

MatureUniStudent · 09/04/2014 23:15

Oh thank you so much for your wisdom. Part of me is "where would he fit with my friends?" I have been off the daring scene for (cough) 27 years and wonder if I am expecting too much. He has his own hair, his own teeth and a good career. He seems a really lovely chap but I feel such a novice doing this. Also, he didn't make me laugh, it was me making him laugh. So that's why I thought he wasn't for me. See? I haven't a clue what I am doing.

Scarey123 · 10/04/2014 07:25

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dontcallmehon22 · 10/04/2014 07:38

Scarey if you'd like to read what I've done so far I'm happy to send it to you if you pm me an email address Smile. It's really helped with my heartbreak actually.