The Dating Thread 72

[LizzieBelle]

Welcome

Yes made I asked him a question in my message on Monday was hoping for reply on Tuesday but just got the rushed happy birthday message. I thanked him. Now what?

scarey i wouldn't send that text - I think it's the relationship optimist in you that wants to send it.

You already know he's a douche bag. Anyone who sends a person to coventry is a bully, a manipulative controlling wanker and a coward. You deserve better than that.

NoWine how about something like: "now that the birthday celebrations (and hangover) are done with let's get back to that conversation we were having, repeat question " and see what he comes back with?

Scarey I'm sorry to hear that - I agree it's best not to send the text.

Crying over geeky again today, but the pain is lessening. Slowly.

Date on Monday with author. I'm just v relaxed about it all now.

If my book gets published, would it be a good. Thing to do to e-mail geeky and let him see it? There would be nothing he could legally challenge, I'd change details etc. But as a polite thing to do?

scarey That's really shit. I don't think there's anything he could say now that would make this ok. I'm baffled as to why anyone would lend you stuff, give you a key to their house (?!) and book a holiday with you and then just disappear! I'm not sure what problem would have been so great that a quick text to let you know there wasn't a problem with you and him wouldn't be possible.

Dont I don't know, really. Tbh, I'm not sure that you owe him that. I suppose it it gets as far as being published, the publisher would be able to advise you on what to do about that. I certainly wouldn't give him any consideration from the goodness of your heart!

Dont I'm not sure you owe it to him but I probably would if I was you because you certainly need to be certain that he doesn't feel that there is anything in this book that might identify him.

Mr Contradiction is contradictory indeed. He said he has feelings for me but I am unobtainable, too busy, and distant. He has met someone else who he likes who is more available. He told me I could do better than him...(very different backgrounds/lifestyle) what a worm...I would know if I thought this, and I didn't. I feel he is trying to manipulate my feelings. I did very much care and I would have fallen for him but I need time to trust someone. Very upset today. It hurts like hell.

Hello. Been a long time lurker and a long time online dater and have been following all your ups and downs. Does seem as if things are a bit low for most on this thread. I feel for all of you who are confused, upset and heart broken at the moment. Been through it all in the last three years of online dating and I'm fed up of the constant rollercoaster of emotions.

I wish things were simple! It used to be that you met someone, liked each other and had a relationship. Now there's so much speculation and non knowing. So tiring!

I've tended to get too involved emotionally at the start and then must have projected this onto the men I was dating (though tried really hard not to, to remain cool). This has always resulted in them backing away and proclaiming that the 'spark' that was there initially has faded or that they just want to be friends. This scenario has occurred five times. The other times, I just haven't liked the guy.

The key is to pick yourself up, start dating again, even if your heart's not in it. Time will heal hurt and rejection, or another one will come along and the whole thing plays out again.

Actions speak louder than words - an age old cliché but one that I've found to be true. I just have to remind myself of this before I over-speculate.
Trust your instincts - another one! Again so true.

Anyway, I've joined as I am just recovering from yet another disappointment. I have a few dates lined up over the next two weeks and would love to get some support and advice along the way from you lovely mumsnetters on here instead of going it alone..!

Welcome snappy.

I have to say, things seem to be on an even keel with the man I'm seeing at the moment (he has said he is my boyfriend, but I'm going to hold fire on using that word myself, just for now...) but I completely agree and I think that if/when this ends, I shan't be in a hurry to get back into OD.

It's true, in the 'olden days' you met someone, they asked you out, you said yes/no, and if you liked each other enough to see them again that was it - you were in a relationship. Now there seems to be so much angst around it all. I wonder if that's the same if you meet someone IRL or whether it's unique to OD?

A few dates lined up? You're doing well

Good luck!

This is a sad thread today. It does make you despair. But we can support each other.

My heart isn't in dating at all, but I'm going through the motions and if nothing else I'll get a book out of it.

Thanks FolkGirl! Yay to things going well for you at the moment!!

don't I think writing your book is a wonderful idea, very therapeutic. I've read a fair few dating books but they all focus on the positive in that if you do this, do that then he'll be begging at your feet. There's no mention of the flaky, commitment-phobic, confusing men or how to deal with them!

It's quite a shock to have come across so many men who disappoint that I'm starting to think that that's the reason they're online dating as they can't meet anyone in RL. Then I think, god, I'm there with them online and wonder if its me with all the issues as well!

In my three (unsuccessful) years of online dating I've signed up for most of the main dating websites (match, eharmony, match affinity, tastebuds, plenty more fish, OKCupid) and now I'm just on Soulmates and PoF. Maybe I should just stay with one site and stick it out!

I have learnt to spend just a couple of days feeling upset then pick myself up and start looking again. It's hard, it really is. And I must multi-date more, again though, really hard work. My aim is to be in a normal relationship by the summer, Actually that's been my aim for the past three years...I shall wait with baited breath...!

Good grief Scarey I cannot believe you still haven't heard from him What a knob. This would make me very angry.

I second everyone that said don't contact him again. The only thing that's bothering me is that something may have happened... How did you leave it the last time you saw each other? Was there any kind of significant clue?

sorry not been on but Jarlin - I'd leave Slowburner be for now, I think men grieve/communicate differently to women, very much so. I'd just send the odd text maybe even a nice card, saying you're thinking of him. He knows that. I mean it's his mother who's died, you know?

Scarey - I hate to say it but looks like he's ended it. what a complete and utter tosser.

I'd be tempted though (you have a key?) to send him one final text saying re key, say if he doesn't answer you'll bin it etc. I'm not sure if I'd do an ultimatum but really what can you say, and it is a key and normally important to the householder.

I think lots of men just freeze/go cold at some stage and this appears to be the one stage but it's a diabolical way to treat someone.

Talisa the vast majority of times with these men NOTHING has happened! They just see it's fine to disappear off the face of the earth. On the whole they know there's no other way of contacting them without sounding/looking desparate.

You could check online dating sites, if he's been on etc. I bet if anything Scarey will get an end it text from him tonight or tomorrow, or nothing at all.

Dont I can't wait to read your full book, you write so well and it's going to be really amusing! I wouldn't bother letting Geeky know, after all it's not solely about him and it's not like you've used his real name. You owe him nothing.

Scarey Wtf is that bloke playing at?! I can't believe he still hasn't been in touch with you, what a dick. I honestly don't know what to suggest you do next. If you have his bike leathers, surely he'll be in touch to get them and his key back, at the very least. Maybe leave it a few days then text asking if he's ok, say that you haven't heard from him in a few days and would he like his key and bike equipment back?

Snappy I agree with you in that before I was with DS's dad, it seemed much more simple as you met someone, went on a date with them and if you were keen on each other, that was it - you were in a relationship! Now with OD the men especially seem to be too swayed by Sweet Trolley Syndrome and want to keep looking, rather than concentrate on one person. It's so confusing and at times upsetting.

I haven't heard from MCS since our text exchange on Sunday evening. No surprise there then . Mr Teacher still sends the odd message but no mention of meeting up. No surprise there then . Still exchanging messages with Mr Sales but despite him mentioning last week about meeting up, nothing's been mentioned since. No surprise there then .

I'm getting very, very jaded by it all tbh.

I still wouldn't send it, to be honest.

What happened on Sunday?

I know that to you it reads really reasonably, and it is reasonable. But it's a little too reasonable.

If he wants to contact you, he knows where you are. If he's dumped you by silent treatment, he's likely to think "WTF? Get the hint" and I wouldn't like to think of someone thinking that about you. IYSWIM.

I agree with Folk Scarey...it's a really well worded, well thought out message. One which I would find it almost impossible not to reply to as would most reasonable and caring people. I know you are appealing to that side of him but you need to imagine this...what if you send your thoughtful message and he still doesn't reply? How will that make you feel in 2 or 3 weeks time? Will you still feel as generous and forgiving towards him? You are assuming he is going through a dreadful crisis of some sort and needs your reassurance that he hasn't blown it with you. If he needs that reassurance let him come to you and ask for it, don't offer it up to him on a plate.

I wouldn't send it. Personally, I think what he's done is awful. I agree with Folk you are offering everything and then some. The reality is you got involved to have a relationship not a friend. Don't send it!

Only thing I can think of is he has issues around his last relationship that need dealing with.Regardless, its shoddy, I think you said prior he'd read the last message. I know its painful as you obviously like and care about him.

From what you've posted so far and having experienced similar[ I'm male and date online] I don't think it looks great. If anything you may well be better,out of it. If he's acting this way now I think,it may continue and you deserve way better.

I am sorry. Id not contact him again!

Yes Poff summed it up perfectly.

The thing is he's an adult not a delicate flower. Whatever his reasoning is, he's not contacted you when he must know what this is doing to you emotionally.

He's choosing not to contact you. I personally wouldn't send that message. I'd be more inclined to send something along the lines of "Hi. Bit surprised I haven't heard from you. Let me know if you want me to get your stuff back to you. FG" If I was going to send anything at all.

I think you're working on the assumption that something's happened to him. If I were in your shoes, I'd be working on the assumption he's being a dick!

Or rather "let me know if you want your stuff back." I wouldn't be offering to get it back to him.