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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

what do you do with a husband who ..........

147 replies

bella1968 · 26/03/2014 00:17

Marks a cross on the days on the calendar that we don't have sex! He d to do it in a diary a year ago and I felt really pressured now this calendar is on the kitchen wall for everyone to see.Admittedly no-one knows what the crosses mean but does anyone else's husband do this??

OP posts:

LadyInDisguise · 27/03/2014 10:09

Have you contacted CAB and a solicitor?
Do you have anyone to speak to in RL, someone who maybe could give you and the dcs a bed if things are just getting too bad?

aw11 · 27/03/2014 10:10

Hi bella, my mrs did the same years back but in her diary/calendar type thing. She'd mark down every time we had any kind of sexual contact. I was unfit and had no drive really and we were down to a couple of times a month I suppose.

I'm not sure if she ever knew that I knew she did this but I did know we had a problem, it wasn't normal for a young couple not to be inimate so often (imho anyway!). The problem didn't just magically go away, but I worked at it and it got a bit better (it's great now and those days are long gone but it only really improved a year or so later as I got fit and got my sexual drive back). Thing is, it WAS a problem in our relationship and I had to change to fix it.

Your partner sounds very controlling though and is much further off the scale putting a calendar up for all to see. That is really off tbh, nevermind the swearing etc which is not on.

You know about this difference in sexual libido, you know he needs it for re-assurance or whatever, so what are you two going to do to overcome this problem. You both need to face this issue and sort it out or it will tear you apart as seen on so many threads on this forum.

LadyInDisguise · 27/03/2014 10:17

aw I would completely agree with you in a normal relationship.
But the OP's DH is just a controlling abusive man. It's not about the fact she needs to 'get on with it' and regain her libido. I am pretty sure it would be there if he wasn't such a twat. It's about the fact he is abusive and needs to get out of there.

Hope your situation had improved though. A low libido can be due to lots if different things and yes it is an issue you can solve. Abuse is different though :(

Original poster

bella1968 · 27/03/2014 10:18

Justiceofthepeas what's the E A thread?

OP posts:

RedRoom · 27/03/2014 10:24

Emotional abuse, I think

hellsbellsmelons · 27/03/2014 10:36

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28

This is the link for the thread. It's a great support for those in EA relationships.

So he shouts and swears at the DC as well.
You know what to do - call Womens Aid today.

hellsbellsmelons · 27/03/2014 10:36

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1963156-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-thread-28

phoebeflangey · 27/03/2014 13:42

Bella I asked him to leave, he thought I was joking and that he was going to be spending a week at his mums (which he had done a couple of times by this point) when he came to see DD (who was 10 at the time and also in Yr6) I told him straight that he wasnt coming back. I was terrified :( but knew I was stronger than him and did not have to answer the door to him if I didnt want to.
My dd barely sees him now, he cancelled arrangements the first christmas and again at the last one, he tries mind games with her via text, but she doesnt want to see him. He lives 10 minutes away and does not provide for her in any way. She is so much happier now than she was when he was here. He was smoking drugs, and lying constantly, emotionally very abusive and had hit me on three or four occasions.

I never thought I would get to where I am now. I live half hour from my parents (and his thankfully!) and it was really really tough, and lonely but how dd and I feel now speaks volumes for the "person" he was.
Am here if you need to talk, pm or on here x

Good luck with the school also, I would deny all knowledge to him if he brings it up first, if not, make very clear to the school that you are not involving him in the honesty box as it will be detrimental, not to mention risky for him to know about it for now. The school should realise this anyway :)

phoebeflangey · 27/03/2014 13:47

worry box sorry

Bumbershoot · 27/03/2014 13:50

This sounds dangerously close to abusive. I'd be having serious thoughts about the relationship and certainly wouldn't be having sex with him.

pointythings · 27/03/2014 14:15

I'd be honest with the Inclusion person and no matter what the cost work-wise I'd try to attend that appointment. Your H is either going to minimise this or make it sound as if it is all your fault. You need to be in there making sure that what is said is the truth.

You've posted about him before, haven't you? I am glad you are coming to the realisation that this marriage isn't sustainable, you and your DCs deserve better.

Original poster

bella1968 · 27/03/2014 14:57

hi pointythings yes I've posted before, sorry I hope that's ok to switch around boards, still learning what and where to go on mumsnet I hope it is ok, it's so great and such support to see people's responses and the fact that they responded at all, it makes me feel like I have many women supporters out there.

I'm meeting my support worker next week and we will discuss/sort out the paperwork for the next stages. She's also put me forward with Triangle for some counselling.

OP posts:

pointythings · 27/03/2014 15:26

I think you're right to post this in relationships, bella - lots of people here have been there (not me) or have supported people who have (me).

I'm so sorry things aren't working out in your marriage, I did think it looked bad last time you posted but you were so bravely determined to make it work... I hope you can use that same strength now to get out and give yourself and your DCs the life they deserve, without this man in it. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

Original poster

bella1968 · 27/03/2014 23:25

Thanks for your message phoebeflangey. Will post again in the morning.nite to you all.

OP posts:

phoebeflangey · 27/03/2014 23:43

Hope you're ok Bella :)

Original poster

bella1968 · 28/03/2014 10:59

hi phoebeflangey yes I'm ok thank. I'm at work thinking that maybe my H might have got the picture last night when we were saying goodnight and were at the top of the stairs, he said did I think he was going to get his bed back, I said swop beds you mean? and he said No, so I said No! ................ I know this sounds confusing so to explain, at the moment I am sleeping in our superking bed and my D is in there with me. He is sleeping in our D's room on a mattress with my son who is currently on my D's bed because I am painting my S's room. Gosh I think that actually sounds more complicated. The point is I was saying to him that we are not sleeping together again.

I spoke to the lady from the inclusion team and she said that my H had booked an appointment for my son so it wasn't for the same reasons that we were speaking. She asked if she was to keep quiet and not tell him about our conversation and my daughters conversation to which I said yes and she was ok with that which was really comforting. At least then if something goes wrong at school they know life is not great for them at home. I'm worried though because it's such a big year for them with the SATs coming up and then secondary school in September. Should I wait to make a move on separation/divorce until next year when they are settled in secondary school?

At the moment I'm looking at selling our family car and then getting a smaller/very cheap economic car. I'm not sure how I'll afford it at the moment but I need to have a car for the children and I need to start back on the ladder of insuring a car in my name as it's owned by him and he's the policyholder currently.

I spoke to my support worker yesterday and we are meeting next week to go through paperwork, she is referring me to a counsellor (may have said this sorry) and I said to her that maybe they will let me keep the house until the children are 19 and finished in full-time education? or when they leave home and she said that this is possible.

There's a chance that he might be getting a job, it's hopefull but not certain so now my questions are, will this make any difference, can I risk this behaviour happening again and can I simply forget that it happened in the first place. Will I always be fearful of this and worried about how this has affected my children. Would the children be better off even if my H suddently starts behaving nice to us? he started being nice last night but how do I know whether this is just his ploy to get me into bed? maybe it was because he mentioned getting back into the marital bed so maybe he thinks things can suddenly go back to normal whatever that is??

How are all my lovely supporters out there today?

OP posts:

atomicyoghurt · 28/03/2014 11:02

Put a calendar up in the kitchen and mark a cross on every day he is a dick.

phoebeflangey · 28/03/2014 11:05

Morning Bella - Ive pm'd you :)

EuroMaidan · 28/03/2014 12:16

"There's a chance that he might be getting a job... - will this make any difference"

If he finds a job, I would make a point to acknowledge that this is a step in the right direction, so that he knows that his efforts are appreciated. The job will help him, it will help your relationship with him, and it will help set a good example for the kids. So whatever else he has done wrong it shouldn't stand in the way of recognizing his efforts to get a job.

But no, even if he finds a job, at this point it is not a good reason to go straight back to how things were previously. If you were to re-build the relationship again at some point in the future, it will happen quicker if you are given space and time to recover now.

Original poster

bella1968 · 28/03/2014 13:04

thanks EuroMaidan that sounds sensible, it is great if he gets a job, it will help in so many ways but it won't change how I feel about him or how I don't feel about him

OP posts:

LadyInDisguise · 29/03/2014 20:57

bella why does the inclusion team want to see your son??? Did the school say anything about it?

And no you can't forget his behaviour. Maybe you can 'forgive' such crap behaviour in the light of major changes and the very message that he is very remorseful. But that's not what you are talking about is it? What you are talking about is not talking about his abusive behaviour and hoping it's not going to happen again.
Right as if this would happen....

Please bella stay strong. Carry on seeing your support worker, contact women's aid, get as much support as you can and build a life for yourself wo ever accepting to be treated like this.

(((hugs)))

Original poster

bella1968 · 04/04/2014 12:39

thanks LadyInDisguise I've just read your message. My son sees them because he's been helped with his 'behaviour problems' been going on for a while now, possibly nothing to do with my relationship problems with H.

Du know daily I think "is this my fault?" obviously some of it is because 'it takes two to tango' as they say but how long can it go on with 'I blame you and you blame me' scenario. I ask myself who would I be happy with that makes the final decision and I think I'd rather it be me.

Thanks again to all you lovely ladies that have responded to my plea.

OP posts:

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