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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do you do with a husband who ..........

147 replies

bella1968 · 26/03/2014 00:17

Marks a cross on the days on the calendar that we don't have sex! He d to do it in a diary a year ago and I felt really pressured now this calendar is on the kitchen wall for everyone to see.Admittedly no-one knows what the crosses mean but does anyone else's husband do this??

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 26/03/2014 08:10

What gold said. What wigsy said.

That is so unattractive I don't think I could dtd again....urggggghhhh

Orangeisthenewbanana · 26/03/2014 08:11

Bloody hell, this is one of the most horrible things I've heard Angry I would be putting the calender straight in the bin and seriously considering my future with him.

Is he controlling/abusive in other ways? Just wondered why you haven't felt able to address it with him? Especially as it's been going on for a while with first the diary & now the calendar.

HectorVector · 26/03/2014 08:13

Some Mumsnetters appear to be married to colossal twunts, I'm afraid you might be one of them.

Why would he do that? Does he pressurise you for sex in other ways to? Ask him why he needs to keep a record and pressure and degrade you in this way?

AlpacaYourThings · 26/03/2014 08:36

What would I do? Honestly, joking aside.

I wouldn't have sex with him for a start.

I would have a chat about why he feels the need to do this and tell him how it makes me feel. Based on his words and actions I would decide whether I stayed with him.

MoonRover · 26/03/2014 08:38

Oh I'd still be having sex.

Just not with him. Wink

LoisPuddingLane · 26/03/2014 09:01

Throw the calendar out. Print an A4 piece of paper with the biggest cross possible, frame it, and put it where the calendar was.

Whereisegg · 26/03/2014 09:09

I have read of some really shitty behaviour on here, but jeeez!

What an absolute arsehole he is, not exactly going to make you fancy flinging your knickers off is it?

Finola1step · 26/03/2014 09:20

What a prick? A selfish, entitled idiot!

Go with Gold's idea. Cross out the rest of this month, and the month of April. Or get yourself a gold pen and draw a cross for everytime you do have sex with him and it leaves you rather unsatisfied.

Seriously OP, what on earth is he thinking?

Xmusician · 26/03/2014 09:20

Perhaps you also need to mark some dates.........Monday... B+V+W (bath, vib, wine) Tuesday......GB (good book) Wed......ENA (early night alone) Thursday......B+V+ELW (extra large wine) Friday.. TT (too tired) Saturday... TB (Too bored) Sunday.... FOD (fuck off day)

OxfordBags · 26/03/2014 09:24

What you do with a husband like that is make him an ex-husband, the vile, misogynist freak.

NeoFaust · 26/03/2014 10:04

Or you could ask him why he feels so hurt and desperate that he feels that this is the only way to communicate.

No?

Then just dump him.

elfycat · 26/03/2014 10:13

Fill out the crosses for him for the rest of the year.

He'll need the power of his hand and wrist after all

DarylDixonsDarlin · 26/03/2014 11:19

Or you could ask him why he feels so hurt and desperate that he feels that this is the only way to communicate.

^ This. Tbh if it has been going on for more than a year there's no doubt it will become self perpetuating, but you haven't given us any information about how it got to that stage in the first place...i.e. did he just suddenly start marking the days when he went a week without having sex, or have you been together for years having regular sex which meant a lot to him and then stopped, confusingly, and refused to communicate with him about why?

I'm not saying that its ok for him to be marking the days, but if you have reused to discuss it I can see how he might feel there is no other way of getting through to you. We have only heard one part of the problem and a bit more context might be helpful.

Original poster
bella1968 · 26/03/2014 12:07

wow, just logged on and read all the messages, goodness how many!?
Thanks to all, some made me laugh, "get a five year calendar and mark all the days with a cross" that is so funny Grin

In all seriousness though, it has been going on for a while, I had terrible thrush problems for a couple of years and what with him not pulling his weight ever in the relationship (although he does maybe one thing then I can't say this!), he's never quite got the point that if we work at the housework/tidying/cleaning together then that makes me feel happy about him and want to be with him. It's been an effort alot of the time over the last few years and with him doing the diary first of all a couple of years ago that was one of the nails in the coffin, I did a spreadsheet diary the next year myself and tried really hard to satisfy his libido but probably failed and now he's doing the calendar I really couldn't care I'm never going to have sex with him and yes after the verbal abuse started on me and the children at the end of last year...... I have and am seriously considering divorce. I'm fed up with his attitude that the world owes him a living. He's had a bit of bad luck over the last 5 years really being made redundant twice and then the contract coming to an end after about 18months in September and been out of work all that time except from a bike couriering job for 2 weeks but got too wet so gave up! he won't get a supermarket job etc etc and moans constantly every day at something that I haven't done or have done but was wrong.

The children told me that he nearly got into a fight with a driver on the road yesterday, they were really scared, the guy in the car in front was shouting and swearing stopping the traffic and their dad shouting and swearing back I can't imagine why they were scared ! Shock

How do you find the strength to tell him enough is enough when he's blaming you for splitting the family up and the breakdown of his marriage? how do you find the strength when he's zapping it all away with the constant nagging of when I should go to bed, saying I'm late for something, saying I didn't get up on time, I did this I did that, when will it end and when will I have the strength to say goodbye? thing is I have this desperate need to keep hold of the house for the children and my sakes if only I knew that I could do this then I'd file the divorce papers now Confused

thanks all for listening, it really means alot. Smile

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 26/03/2014 12:13

:( oh love....

This is more than crosses on a calendar isn't it?

Don't know what to say but sending a hug

tipsytrifle · 26/03/2014 12:14

The trouble is that there's no discussion to be had with a controller. Only an assertion of entitlement within a power structure.

My ex had a diary like this at one point. He also included any casual physical touch/lack of. He claimed to be desperate, neglected and confused. He "pleaded" with me to explain why I was so cold and frigid. He explained very clearly how my problems were upsetting him and that i should sort it all out ... Sad

Of course there was a long history of unrecognised (by me) EA but that's not really what you discuss with your abuser, is it?

scallopsrgreat · 26/03/2014 12:14

"I have and am seriously considering divorce." Yeah. I'd think more seriously about that.

He is an abusive man with a huge sense of entitlement. Tell him to fuck off. How can you bear to have sex with him? He has hands. Tell him to make use of them as he isn't being any other use round the house.

He is a moany whiny arse.

tipsytrifle · 26/03/2014 12:19

Oh bella - so much of your situation is a direct mirror of my past ... (you posted while i was still typing)

I think you already know which way your heart is pointing. I hope you follow it but keep coming here for support in the meantime, eh?

I'd like to send you a calender full of freedom, sunshine and Cake

LadyInDisguise · 26/03/2014 12:20

bella this guy just sounds awful. :(:(
You need to remember that he is the one who is controlling and abusive so that means he is the one to break the relationship.

By getting divorced, you would be doing what any mum would do: protecting her children and herself from daily abuse.

And remember, the cross on the calendar, the shouting, the putting downs, all that IS abusive. It's not in your head, it's not your fault. It's not because you haven't tried hard enough. It's all him and his abusive behaviour.

BrainSurgeon · 26/03/2014 12:20

Unbelievable.
You poor poor thing.
My own father is a lot like that I'm afraid, and I can't believe my mother stayed with him "for the sake of the kids" Sad Sad Sad
I don't really know what to suggest in terms of how you get out, but if anyone can give you good advice on that, MN can.

tipsytrifle · 26/03/2014 12:21

argghh .. i do know how to spell calendar really ...

ScrambledSmegs · 26/03/2014 12:22

Only considering divorce?

Have you taken legal advice? I'd make the most of a free appointment with a good divorce solicitor ASAP, if I were you.

The fact that he got into a dangerous, aggressive situation with your children in the car would be it for me. No going back.

AlpacaYourThings · 26/03/2014 12:23

Agree with mamma this seems like its about a lot more than just crosses on the calendar (and that alone is awful)

Could you see a solicitor and discuss the likelihood of you being able to keep the family home?

Dirtybadger · 26/03/2014 12:23

Get in touch with a good solicitor.

Don't shag the pig.

EuroMaidan · 26/03/2014 12:28

When it comes to sex there's nothing more off-putting than pressure and disrespect.

Goldmandra's suggestion is spot on.

A difficult conversation is certainly on the cards, at best.

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