what do you do with a husband who ..........

[bella1968]

Marks a cross on the days on the calendar that we don't have sex! He d to do it in a diary a year ago and I felt really pressured now this calendar is on the kitchen wall for everyone to see.Admittedly no-one knows what the crosses mean but does anyone else's husband do this??

Go to a solicitor with as much info on finances as you can.

Make sure to mention emotional abuse and the road rage incident with the children in the car - won't make a difference to finances, but will to contact arrangements if needed.

Get informed. You may well be able to keep the house. If not, it's still better than this.

Could you move to somewhere with cheaper housing costs if you did have to sell?

Rip up the calendar and chuck it in the bin. If questioned, simply reply 'Because you're a tosser.'

Don't engage with it anymore (can't really call this one 'him' -definitely an 'it' - just not even human, really).

You need to divorce and I hope you feel at least a little empowered by this thread-you CAN do this and absolutely should, before your children get any more affected by this terrible living situation.

Only just read the follow-up. Yes, solicitor and counsellor (for you alone - to help with separation and divorce; not for both of you) is what you need. Also friends and lots of RL support. Expensive no doubt but better cut your losses now.

thank you everyone, I'm trying to compile a thorough list of questions so that I can get that free first 1/2 hour with a solicitor, not sure which one to be honest though but looking on resolution website.

I have a support worker so hopefully with that and some free legal aid I can figure out my next step.

You are all unbelievably supportive thank you so much for listening.

I really think you are making the right choice here, OP. The more you write, the more it becomes clear that he is bullying, blaming, abusive, and also willing to let his own children be terrified and vulnerable because he is so egotistical and unwilling to behave like a normal decent adult and control himself.

He's doing nothing around the home, he's not winning father of the year anytime soon, he's not contributing to the home financially (let me guess: you work and yet still do all the housework and childcare? How does he justify that?! Even if you're not working, things should be 50-50), he's sexually demanding & demeaning... I can't see how your life will change that much, except for the better! You'll still be doing everything, but without an abusive, lazy, angry creep dragging you down and creating more work, outgoings and stress for you.

It's also good to teach children that relationships should not be like this. However much they love him, it is damaging for them to experience this toxic version of what a relationship is, and how men should treat women.

My god. He really thinks that having a calendar with crosses on will 'guilt' you into having sex with him?? Is he a sixteen year old boy FFS? I echo what others have said: 1, it seems to be about quantity not quality for him; 2, there is no care at all if you are in the mood and no attempt to get you in the mood; 3, it's bloody childish; 4, it's quite passive aggressive- can he not SPEAK to you like an adult instead of this pathetic snide jibe every day? I have to be honest and say that my sex drive would dwindle to absolutely zero if my DH behaved like this. Where is the intimacy? Where is the seduction? Saddest of all, where is the love and the tenderness for you as his wife? It reminds me of a sad teenage boy carving notches into a bed post. The best advice on here was to put crosses on every day of the next month with reasons: 'you couldn't be arsed with foreplay last time/ you think rolling off and snoring is okay/ you don't care if I've come or not/ the sight of you slobbing on the sofa in stained trousers didn't exactly remind me of the Diet Coke break man so I couldn't be arsed.' You are a human with feelings, not a vessel for him to put his danglies in once a day.

This is one of the most disrespectful things I have ever heard. No, no, no this isn't normal!

This goes deeper than X's on a chart. Sounds like sex is just another way he wants to control you. Hugs to you.

might be to track some sort of pattern...

What of how often he's a twat?

Whether certain behaviour leads to sex... like when he does the dinner, puts the kids to bed, when he gets home early from work, when she has been out exercising, etc. Just thinking out loud. Does seem a trifle bizarre.

I knew from the first sentence of your OP that he was abusive.

No-one who was not abusive would do this.

He is pressurising you, shaming you, disrespecting you, enjoying his secret 'joke' when people are round. And that's just the 'sex calendar' - his other behaviours are appalling.

You will make yourself seriously ill if you stay with him. And your kids will have low self esteem and anxiety issues that they will take with them throughout their lives - I promise you that 100%.

Please, please get yourself and your lovely children away from him.

Good luck x

Err yes ok then not veryNormalishdude.

Strikeout fail - you get my gist though.

Not sure. I guess it may have been sarcasm.

Thnanks OxfordBags and RedRoom, he takes and collect the children to and from school, does cooking some of the nights, tbh I've had to take the shopping/planning meals back as we've had to economise and he gets the salad from Lidl and occasional milk/bread on top of that. He also does most of the washing/drying and folding of clothes to put back in wardrobe and washes and dries the dishes most of the time.

I've started the children at a Youth club over the last 5 weeks on a Tuesday and Wednesday and last night as I was going to bed (we are not sleeping together since the weekend before last as he said to my daughter "you can sleep with your mother as I'm never sleeping with her again!" yeah! I started taking them because they need to be out of the toxic situation of our failing marriage and meeting/speaking to children of their own age having fun, you know..... an outlet for them.

He says that I'm trying to control him by not going anywhere near him and avoiding him, last night when I asked if he could do their tea by 5.30 as I needed to take them at 5.45 he said...."oh another night on my own then?" He's very depressed at the moment and just won't do anything to help himself, the things he does are what any man would have to do for his family the same way that I do them. He says that I want everything the way I want it and sod the rest of us.

My thoughts are, I need to be a positive parent, loving and kind and all ears for my children, he can take care of himself I'm done I've had enough of looking after him all these years and yes, this is more than 'crosses on a calendar' it's way more and has been going bad for many years. We've been together 16 years, 8 years of that married. And no I didn't go googly eyed down the aisle full of being in love with him, maybe that should have told me something! but I did it so that I could have the same name as the children and also I always always live in hope!

Maybe once I've made the decision and told him what I want it will be better, I will feel lighter and happier

Does anyone know how to prepare a list of questions to get the most out of the first free 1/2 with a solicitor?? any questions gladly received.

thanks to all you supportive mumsnetters.

Give him a mark out of 10 for his performance. And write it on the calendar.

do you put a P on the calendar every day that your dh is a pratt?

Please read the whole thread. We've moved on. From the calendar issue.

Op...

Not sure about questions to ask solicitor (luckily didnt marry my ex-twunt) but just wanted to say you sound lovely and a good mum. Please stay strong and hang in there

thanks mammadiggindeep that's really nice of you to say.

He says that I'm trying to control him

Ouch, yes i recall that accusation too. Many here refer to scripts, i'm sure someone knows which script that line is from ...

I'm also sure that someone will help with the questions you need which are probably about housing rights, finance, benefits ...

Firstly might be advice from others here (and in RL?) about how to actually ask him to go. You may need to buckle up for a rough ride but lightness of Being will be yours, dear bella ...

i have to get to work now but will look in on this thread later ... chin up, lass!

I was going to say to fill up the rest of the calendar with crosses. And buy a new one to fill in too.
But talking to a solicitor works too.

Possible questions:
On what grounds can I divorce the bastard the quickest?
How much could I be entitled to when I divorce the bastard?
How to I protect (any) assets from the bastard?
I would like x, y and z regarding the children. Is that feasible?
What do you suggest regarding the house? Is x or y feasible?
How much do you charge?
How much do you think it will cost (average and if things go wrong)?

Think you knew what you had to do before you came on here OP so I can only wish you strength and support.

LTB