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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do you do with a husband who ..........

147 replies

bella1968 · 26/03/2014 00:17

Marks a cross on the days on the calendar that we don't have sex! He d to do it in a diary a year ago and I felt really pressured now this calendar is on the kitchen wall for everyone to see.Admittedly no-one knows what the crosses mean but does anyone else's husband do this??

OP posts:
lavesh · 26/03/2014 14:26

Just wanted to say keep the calendar and anything similar you can lay your hands on as evidence of his jaw-droppingly excessive and controlling behaviour.

You are a brave woman to put up with so long for the sake of your kids. Wishing you a fab new life away from the misery.

Original poster
bella1968 · 26/03/2014 14:29

mmmmm maybe BuzzardBird but always nice to see if you get any other responses which might provide hope? Confused

Thanks for the strength and support though, I love mumsnet for that, it's just sad that there are so many of us disgruntled women in terrible relationships where you fight to keep it all together only to lose the fight. I'm hanging on by a thread, all of which is my fault and if I'd only do this be that etc etc then life could be great............. however, I'm me and can only be me so there's only one way for this to end. I just wanted someone to maybe tell me that it'll be ok and he'll come around and maybe he'll realise that he loves me and doesn't want us to split but I fear there's no hope now Sad

OP posts:
AlpacaYourThings · 26/03/2014 14:58

Please don't blame yourself, Bella. It really isn't your fault that he is behaving like this.

SnookyPooky · 26/03/2014 16:14

Christ on a bike, I would ram the calender up my DHs arse if he did this. What a twat!

haveyougotanyleechesforthis · 26/03/2014 16:21

my dh would like sex every night. im happy once every two months or less.

It doesnt mean i dont love him or want to be with him it just means my apetite is different

Once to make a point, we had an agreement. to have sex every night wether we liked it or not, for a whole month. He agreed to this eagerly. half way through he said... do we have to? i said yest, see that feeling there, thats the feeling i get when you want to and i dont. do you love me any less right now?

he said of course not

so now we have a more respectful compromise.... but if he marked it on a callendar, then im afraid id find it really disrespectful.

Original poster
bella1968 · 26/03/2014 16:36

Grin haveyougotanyleechesforthis thanks for that, I have thought about doing that but I'm afraid he'd love that and I just couldn't keep it up and we wouldn't get to that stage. I just think he has a lot of growing up to do really and I'm afraid it can't be with me anymore. The more I speak on this forum the more I am feeling more empowered. I didn't want it to come to this and I do love him just don't like the way he makes me feel.

We have this 'difference in sexual libido' for a long time now, it didn't come to the surface for a long time from him. It was a while after the kids so about the year we got married 2005. I remember having plans on our wedding night, we were in Florida, we went out to see the circus and I was so tired that night with everything then the show that we didn't do anything, of course he probably harboured bad feelings about it back then too but just didn't say anything.

With him sex is his way of knowing that I love him and treasure him, with me it's how I am treated and working together to have a clean and tidy house whereby we both know we've worked our socks off together to achieve it then that's how I know he loves me.

I'm afraid he's done so much of sitting on the settee with his ipad watching tv for my liking and it just gets on your nerves. His idea of showing me love and attention is groping me! he used to call me 'bird', he has a strange sense of humour which consists of taking the mick out of everything and everyone. To be honest if I look back at my life with him I wonder why I ever married him! It's not all rain though there has been sunshine and we have had some good times but over the last few years I would say it's rained more than I've felt sunshine Sad

The next time he calls me you selfish f'ing c* or bitch you don't care about me at all do you? I'll say yes I do care about you but..............I care about myself and my children more! and see what he destroys in the house in his outburst after that.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 26/03/2014 18:14

I'd say 'no I don't care about you actually so do fuck off dear'

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/03/2014 18:17

Oh and chuck the fucking calendar in the bin.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 18:42

Bella* you cannot change who you are nor should you have to. And nor can you change him. It does not matter how much you change to please him he will find something else Sad the fault lies within him not you.

as lundy says an abusive man looks in the mirror and sees his face is dirty so he cleans the mirror.

So don't change. Get rid. And come and join the E A thread.

tipsytrifle · 26/03/2014 20:07

The next time he calls me you selfish f'ing c* or bitch

ohhh bella ... he says this?

please, dear soul .... you know what to do .... it's time ..... there is plenty of hope and it's all for You ... take it

kotinka · 26/03/2014 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 20:21

bella you may also find it helps to contact women's aid.

SnotandBothered · 26/03/2014 20:36

DO NOT THROW THE CALENDAR AWAY.

Take it off the wall (unless this will enrage him and cause him to tear it up), otherwise just ignore it and let him carry of Xing away.

This is physical evidence of his controlling cuntishness and you may find it useful at a later date.

Big hugs to you Bella

thecook · 26/03/2014 21:21

Hi OP

I am afraid I cannot give you advice on what to ask a solicitor regarding divorce as I have never been married.

I cannot understand why he won't get a job in a supermarket though. Money is money. It would take the financial pressure off you.

Sparklysilversequins · 26/03/2014 21:23

I'd frisbee his calendar straight out of the kitchen window and tell him if he was any good in bed we'd be at it daily.

Monty27 · 26/03/2014 21:27

Unbelievable OP. Shock

Ask him why he thinks you would even want to have sex with such a twat. Don't wait for an answer, it won't be worth listening to. I'd bin. Immediately. Shock [anger]

phoebeflangey · 26/03/2014 21:53

OP - you could have written my story eighteen months ago, and believe me it will be so much better for your and your children when you are no longer with him. It is mentally draining to be in a marriage with an abuser like our H, and although I still loved him I had no respect for him anymore.
Can't advise on the solicitor as not yet been to one myself, but know that you will get through this, and you are already empowered to do so x

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 22:13

bella you may also find it helps to contact women's aid.

justiceofthePeas · 26/03/2014 22:14

Soz..double post.

Original poster
bella1968 · 27/03/2014 09:52

hi, it's me again Sad

My daughter spoke to me last night, she said that she'd put a worry in the worry box at school (year 6) a couple of weeks ago and the inclusion team had spoken to her yesterday asking her to ask me to call. As H is off work at the moment he took them to school. I've just called and spoken to one of the ladies in reception and she said that my H spoke to her this morning and booked an appointment Shock was that the same thing. I didn't know what to say my face felt like it went white!! I said probably not. The lady from the inclusion team is going to call me back later this morning as Ofsted is in at the moment.

Oh god what do I do now?? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
bella1968 · 27/03/2014 09:53

phoebeflangey thanks for your post. What did you do? how did you separate did you get him to leave? do you have kids also? Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
bella1968 · 27/03/2014 09:58

sorry just realised I didn't say what my daughters worries were:

  1. H swearing and shouting
  2. the confrontation her Dad had with a stranger the other day (I found out they were on their bikes and he'd banged on the window saying that the driver shouldn't be on the phone, the man threatened and swore at her dad and they both got angry. The traffic was held up through this and the lights went to green then red then green again during this time) Daughter was very scared.
  3. Her parents splitting up
  4. Her dad swearing and shouting and name calling to her/her brother and her Mom.

I don't know what to do, why has my H booked an appointment? I can't wait to find out what the lady from the inclusion team said to him or her to him!?

OP posts:
WineSpider · 27/03/2014 10:02

What do you do? LTB. Without a shadow of a doubt. Be brave OP you deserve better.

LadyInDisguise · 27/03/2014 10:04

He is probably going to try and say that this is all rubbish and show his 'nice and reasonable' side to them. I wouldn't be surprised if he was also trying to paint you in a bad light and put all the responsibility into you (eg for the fear of divorce or holding you responsible for the argument at home and voices rising).
Please do go and see the school, if poss before him to tell them what is going on. Do hesitate to tell them what us happening, the whe truth of it and the fact you might need support to get away from this man.

Also contact Women Aid too. You are in an sbudive relationship and you can and deserve some help/support to get put of there.

LadyInDisguise · 27/03/2014 10:07

Sorry should be do NOT hesitate to tell them what is going on at home.
As a parent you have every right to go and ask what is going on with the inclusion team , as much as your DH. In the high likelihood that you will say different things, it will help them sort things out.
Also think about protecting your dd. he might not appreciate to be put under scrutiny by the school because of what she wrote.

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