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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dh resents me for not working

652 replies

thestarryskiesabove · 23/03/2014 21:10

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 25/03/2014 20:34

Op clearly saying its a doss,and she's not giving it up anytime

enlightenmequick · 25/03/2014 20:37

You don't need to take me seriously scottish, it isn't mandatory to do so, nor something I would aspire to. Grin

scottishmummy · 25/03/2014 20:40

All the shite,bitch slapping,and wel jel.
Made you sound bit fick
I'm sure you're not

Dozer · 25/03/2014 20:43

OP has disappeared, after talking, after the OP, mainly about stuffing bunny rabbits Hmm.

enlightenmequick · 25/03/2014 20:44

Shucks scottish, thanks. Praise indeed. Thanks

Minifingers · 25/03/2014 20:53

Scottish - if the OP has children who have just started school, and does all the before and after school care, all the chores, all the cooking and shopping, and all cooking and cleaning at weekends then I calculate she is working the equivalent of about 40 hours a week. About the same as her DH. She 'dosses' for about 4 hours a day while the kids are at school (minus a couple of hours for chores), while he gets 4 hours every evening sat on his arse after work, while she cooks for him and deals with the kids. Can't see what's unfair about that.

LadyInDisguise · 25/03/2014 21:10

scottish
HmmHmm.
For the record I did read the OP's posts and yours...
You seem to think that as the OP is at home 6h00 a day, well actually probably more like 4 or 5hours once you have done all the travel back and forth between school and home, she is just a lazy person....

You seem to forget that
1- her DH has 2 full days doing nothing at all, not 5 hours but 18 hours each day. Is he lazy too?
2- the OP at least works from 7.00am till 9.00am and then from 3.00pm till 8.30pm(?) at least, so in effect a 7.5hour a day... which sounds like a full time job to me. And that's just during the week. During the week end she is still doing all the HW and childcare related stuff so how many hours do you think it accounts to?
3- her DH would never be able to have the easy life he has atm if she was working full time too and was actually pitching in at the same level than her. ie weekends would be spend cleaning the house, washing clothes etc... Evenings would be a rush to get the dcs to after school activities, having to go back home in a rush to pick said dcs from CM etc... Or is it that actually you are expecting the OP to work and carry on all the duties at home too, ie having 2 full time job instead of one???

Chunderella · 25/03/2014 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 25/03/2014 21:24

Attending to your own domestic chores,and kids at school isn't a job.at all
You can crunch numbers and spin it as if she works,but its not equivalent to job
At home,no external demands,no fax,email,or deadlines,bit domestics to do

Sneezecakesmum · 25/03/2014 21:30

For goodness sake, stop the nonsense!

Any SAHM whose children are in full time school will all secretly admit its a doddle!

To the outside world they have to stomp their feet and tell everyone it's a 40 hour week, it's exhausting, the endless stress just to justify their choice not to work!

Stop justifying yourself, you have every right to some down time after the really tough job of small child childcare. You have every right to want to stay out of the rat race for a little bit longer. You were out in the rat race before you had babies and unless your jobs were fulfilling probably bored out of you skull by the office politics and the boring job!

At some point you may have to return to work, or may choose to. It's all fine. It's your choice. Your DH should be a big enough man to appreciate the work you have put in and the contribution you make to his comfort.

Don't have a go at working women. Sometimes it's their choice and sometimes it's a necessity, but all women should support the other woman's choice.

If we don't respect the roles we choose for ourselves, how on earth do we expect our DHs to do so.

Sneezecakesmum · 25/03/2014 21:30

OP send me the rabbit pattern, I fancy making a few stuffed toys too! Grin

Latraviata · 25/03/2014 21:32

If its not a job then why do parents who work pay someone else to do it for them?Wink

I am convinced that a klaxon goes off every time sahm are mentioned as scottishmummy and nothappymummyofone pop up with alarming regularity-its the best laugh I get all week-cheers ladies!

HappyMummyOfOne · 25/03/2014 21:45

Bit like the one I get when SAHPs have hapless husbands who cannot work without them or claiming it needs a person home to run a house Hmm

Being a parent or doing housework is not a job, its just what adults do whether they are in employment or not.

The OP clearly doesnt want to work and justifies laying her every need at her husbands feet by saying he would have to work married or not. Love how he should worship her for staying home yet she can dismiss his views purely as he is male and should work by that very virtue.

If a woman was unhappy to be the sole earner and wanted her husband to find work as the children were in school she would be told YANBU and the DH was lazy and should man up. When its the other way round its always a differeny story.

The DH is unhappy and the OPs answer to that is a not bothered attitude as she likes having the days free. When he leaves as its not an equal partnership it cant possibly come as much of a shock.

Viviennemary · 25/03/2014 21:51

Let's face it. Being an SAHP when your children have started full time school is a cushy number for most people. Maybe there are folk who have a stable full of horses or a pack of dogs to walk that take hours every day. If it was the other way round the DH would be called well you all know what he'd be called.

Beastofburden · 25/03/2014 21:55

la trav mothers who work do pay others to do childcare and housework, and it definitely is a job. I think the only question is whether its a full time job, and i would say that depends how old the kids are.

If the kids are preschool, you pay for full time childcare, or you work full time doing your own childcare. Definitely a full time job, no argument, IMHO.

If the kids are in primary or secondary school, and you work fulltime, you might pay for three hours childcare a day, plus say 5 hours a week for a cleaner. 20 hours a week, compared with the 40 hours you are at work.

Badvoc · 25/03/2014 22:00

Vivienne...a sahd?
This thread is both hilarious and deeply sad at the same time.

StealthPolarBear · 25/03/2014 22:13

" unless the other parent is a miner. A miner who gets woken randomly a few times a night to go down the pit a few extra times."
I love this. Having it laminated so I can carry it round with me :o

NancyJones · 25/03/2014 22:20

But, HappyMum, when you have 4children of 10 and under, two of them under 3, it really is a f/t job! And yes, it makes dh's life run smoother to have me sah but it also makes my life less stressful. I'm quite sure I could if I needed to, get them all up and out each morning and trot off to work but all that would do would be yo make all our lives more stressful. Trying to cram in breast feeding a baby, feeding the others, bathing little ones whilst making sure the older ones shower, oh and trying to squeeze in hw help and, heavens above, a bit of quality time with each of them.

Why would I go back now just so I can shout about how virtuous I am to be sharing the 'paid employment' burden?

Dozer · 25/03/2014 23:13

I don't think the responses would be much different if it were a man posting. The OP's children are only just school age, the working partner now wants OP to work. It's not clear whether he is willing to support this, eg by doing more childcare and domestics.

MexicanSpringtime · 26/03/2014 01:13

Happy, for someone who refers to herself as the mother of one, you certainly make very light of the responsability of being a mother. I worked part-time as my daughter was growing up and as she entered adolescence I found that I really needed to be there for her. She nearly went off the rails as it was.

ItIsAnIdeasGame · 26/03/2014 03:14

If there was no stay at home parent, there is a weekly cost of hiring the cleaner, taxi and childcare. That is a fact.

Apparently, a SAHP must work all waking hours but paid employees only 8 of the 16/18 hours that they are awake?

And lots of jobs are really quite easy and companionable.

This thread makes me want to combust! Luckily in RL, at least in my circle, there is non of this vitriol. I've also noticed that as children grow up the SAHP drift back into work as they want to.

nooka · 26/03/2014 04:15

Just to reverse genders a little, my dh was for a few years the SAHD whilst I worked. It was indeed lovely to come home and have zero chores. But that really didn't compensate for the stress of having to be the one that worked. I felt very responsible for both our short and long term future and it was hard to be at work at times when I knew that dh was having a lovely old time at home, especially as work although not very hard was quite frustrating. Regardless that I hate being home for more than a few days without a particular task to be doing.

For the first couple of years it really was important for our children to have a parent at home (they weren't very young but we had just emigrated so they really appreciated the support) but after that I did become resentful because dh's attempts to find work were halfhearted to say the least, and I felt taken advantage of (dh being at home gave me more flexibility at work but I didn't really need it enough that it was a big deal).

Now he is working again I have lost probably an hour each evening and two or three at the weekend in terms of domestic chores (we split 50:50 and our children pitch in) so no I wasn't living the life of riley then and suffering now. We now have almost twice the money, far more flexibility and long term security. I'm much happier (and dh is with it OK too).

I don't care about other people's arrangements so long as they suit all parties, but it shouldn't be assumed that the working father in this case is being a dick or that the OP isn't enjoying her life and not making a huge effort to find employment or get ready for working.

scottishmummy · 26/03/2014 06:55

Parents pay cm,nursery as they're undertaking a paid job,to external agreed standards
Cm,nursery are inspected and required to meet prescribed minimum standards.
Housewives is private individual act,not inspected,not regulated and watches own kids

Being housewives is individual act,usually agreed between parents.unregulated.unpaid because it's not job. Having an allowance Or access to funds is a private act of sharing monies.not a formal remuneration fir being at home

Bondfan007 · 26/03/2014 07:14

Well this ends my one day on Mumsnet. I've never seen so much bizarre Stepford-style weirdness ('I do my housework in 2 hrs, and just love working weekends-why does it take you so long, you just sit around painting your nails, you lazy woman, etc'-what!?). Chill with the craziness! I'm outta here.

StealthPolarBear · 26/03/2014 07:14

"If there was no stay at home parent, there is a weekly cost of hiring the cleaner, taxi and childcare. "

Not nrcessarily. Childcare yes, other 2 are very much optional. And presumably childcare reduces or ceases in secondary

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