my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Notyourusual - Oh Pagwatch, stop being so self righteous and deliberately obtuse.

Are the ops husband? You seem to have the same attitude as him. Very keen to take every opportunity to belittle SAHP's.

I'm surprised you don't refer to SAHM as pathetic airheads or something equally disagreeable, quite frankly, not having anything to worry their pretty little heads about except whether they would like a biscuit with their latte. Bloody hell. It appears that is certainly what you think.

Happy to stop being self righteous when you stop being a dick

Oh, that was badly written, but Christ almighty....Notyourusual are you always like this?

Not can't keep her contempt, hatred and envy of SAHP out of her posts. I wonder if she has a job she hates or is rubbish at, and is struggling to keep her head above water at work.

Not - I have a well paid professional part-time job. I feel more pressured and anxious about my responsibilities at home and my productivity at home than I do at work.

I really think that it would help if both parties were trying to put themselves in each other shoes.
In the case if the OP, they decided together it would be better to have a SAHP. I am struggling to see how her DH can be resentful if a situation he did agree on. He can't at the same time be jealous if his DW 'doing nothing all day' and wanting someone at home to pick up the dcs, look after them when they are ill etc. he might want to remember that if the OP goes back to work, then he roll have to take some time off for PD days, when one if the dcs is ill etc. not all the time but maybe half the time? He might also want to realise what it actually means to stay at home. Somehow he might not find it as easy as it sounds to do housework in between picking up and dropping off children. He might also realise how isolating and boring it can be (well that's how I feel about it).

I wouldn't mind someone saying 'I think we need to look at our organisation again. It would db great if you are going back to work so we could do x, y and z. It would also mean that I would be stepping up and doing x and y in the house'.
But instead we have a guy that is sulking, treating his partner like crap because ... He isn't getting his own ways and feels jealous ? I am guessing he would also expect his DW to still do all the HW related tasks and look after the dcs. Maybe this time because he earns more?

I find this thread really quite sad.

There seems to be a fair bit of constrained anger coming from some posters. (SAHM bashers).

It’s sad that some women on here are so condesending and derogatory of different choices.

I've been reading and thinking 'why are you getting so het up about it all as surely my choice doesn,t affect you'.

It's all a bit weird.

Whatever happened to us supporting each other? The OP sounds like a nice woman who is being talked down to by her DH and now a load of posters are talking down to her too. And why? Because she has stayed at home to raise her kids and is now looking for work. Hardly a crime. Why are some people so b@@chy? I thought this was a support forum.

Totally agree Bondfan. You've got posters you can just visualise strutting around like a dramatic Victorian husband waving his stick around to keep his wife in order. Work or else! It doesn't matter it isn't what we agreed! I say you should go to work! No - no discussion! What I say, goes!

So much for what our feminist ancestors strived for. Not choice and discussion and equality, according to some people on here.

Hear, hear Bowlers Arm. The whole point of feminism as I see it is that we are empowered to have choices and to exercise our rights to make those choices - not to browbeat each other to conform.

I'd take this a step further actually and say that what I've seen on this forum is also something that holds women back professionally. We should stand together and support each other, not backbite and b&tch.

Blimey! I do bugger all housework. DH know this but doesn't care too much. We have a cleaner and we both muck in at the weekends but our house isn't a show home and our soon to be family if 6 manages to carry on without any resentment or lack of respect from either partner.
DH knows I'm at home because we have young children. He knows I like work and enjoyed my job pre- kids and he supports me doing a bit of supply teaching and he also knows I'd like to go back at some point.

He would hate to sah. He really would and i know he's grateful that I took it on as it meant he could advance his career, earn a shed load which affords us lots of lovely things included our home, Sch fees and nice hols.

He doesn't expect me to tidy, wash, clean or iron. He expects his children to be well cared for and fed and bathed but if he came home one night and is done bugger all and nobody was washed if fed,he'd laugh and do it himself. This is because he holds no sense of superiority or entitlement over me. He loves me and respects me and sees what I do at the moment as equally valid to what he does.

You know, like most normal, reasonable, loving husbands do. I simply do not recognise half the BS I'm reading on this thread now as anything close to mine or dh's lives or attitudes!

Sorry, can't be bothered to follow this thread anymore. A Zumba class seems much more appealing. Impty, that was a fantastic retort! Think you may need a lie down after that! I will end by saying that good luck to all the hard working WOHP. You are doing a great job and take everything the SAHMafia say with a pinch of salt. Deep down they are insecure little dears and need our collective sympathy.

It is really sad isn't it? I hope my RL friends aren't secretly this judgey.

I wonder if those posters who are so contemptuous of non-working parents would have been quite as angry and mean-spirited if this OP had appeared here a few years back, before the start of the dogged Conservative campaign for us all to see paid employment as a moral imperative.

Of course you dont stress money,because you let him shoulder responsibility
You're coming across bit entitled,you won't give it up for anything haven't had so much free time since a level
You're having a big ole doss and he's left to earn all the money,and you're not remotely bothered

at SAHmafia

Scottish - I know it's hard to accept, but actually some men/women rally don't stress about money even when they're the main wage earner. There are lots of people who absolutely love their jobs and would completely go to pieces if they lost the status, social life and mental stimulus of being at work. Some have partners who are willing to forgo the status and enjoyment of a job in order to raise their children for them. Lucky them.

And how can looking after small children all day and night be 'a complete doss'? Seriously?

It's irrespective what others think,the op knows her dh is unhappy,he's told her
I'll read op posts,were she's quite clear she's a doss and yes no wonder her dh annoyed

The OP and her H agreed that she should be a SAHM while the DC were small. The H now wants her to return to work. All fair enough, the arrangements need to work for everyone. But he is apparently being disrespectful and rude to OP.

Being out of the workplace for a while it is difficult to get back in, especially PT and / or on a good enough wage to pay for good after school and holiday childcare.

Somehow suspect OP's H might expect her to both work and do all childcare etc, limiting her options. If that's the case, he's being a knob.

scottishmummy you seem to forget that her DH benefits a lot from the situation. he doesn't have to take any day of for PD days, taking the dcs to the GP, being off when they are ill etc...
He also benefits from a nice house, everything done for him, washing, cleaning, ironing. He doesn't even have to do any childcare during the weekend as the Op consider this as her role. So he has all the good bits of family life wo having to put any effort into it.
And then he works, so what? he would do that exactly the same way if eh was single or separated. he would also have to shoulder the whole responsibility all on his own. Not different from the situation he is in at the moment.

It is not an issue that if you are a SAHM then you are entitled. Actually the Op doesn't come across as entitled tbh. She bis saying that she does have some free time and is enjoying it. What is wrong with that? Or are you saying that 'enjoying some free time' is wrong because it means she is lazy???

I would agree with the OP that overall she is probably putting just as many hours in her job as a SAHP than he is as a WOHP. The difference is that he is getting paid and she isn't. Does it mean that because she isn't getting paid then she shouldn't receive the same respect???

Read posts,op not watching small kids all day.theyre at school
She's not had this much free time since school,yes it is a doss

I don't give a shite whether anyone in R/L is this judgey, Slap. ignore the jealous envious resentful cows.

They are not contributing to my household in monetary value, emotional value or giving up any of their precious time.

So I fail to see what the fuck it has to do with them, what I choose.

To me, I made a sacrifice to our lifestyle, so that I could spend time with the kids. I didn't want a nanny, child minder, nursery nurse doing it. Not everyone has that choice, or indeed wants it- fair enough.

But for a society to view sahms so lowly because they aren't a wage slave is really quite astonishing. It doesn't even seem to be about contributing taxes/ money to the economic climate. It purely seems that the resentment is because we have it easier and that's not fair.

Well I for one and not interested in seeing and listening to grown women tantrum. It's really rather embarrassing.

DH doesn't stress about money. He loves his job and it's as secure as it can be. I don't stress about money either because by sah and allowing his career to flourish has meant that we have a bigger disposable income than we would have done with both of us working f/t. We both know he could have taken the crazy hours/crazy travel if we had both needed to take turns with stop offs and pick ups and sickly children.
Of course he loves me sah because that enables him to spend his days doing a job he loves and spending his weekends with his wife and kids who he also loves. I love it too because although it's hard work having 3 young kids I actually enjoy much of it and feel happy that I'm able to be here however much I loved my job.

So we're both happy, we have mutual respect and see each other as equal partners. Isn't that what marriage is about?

What an irascible post.cant take you seriously at all
All the whateva and Nuffink lines

I think OP is saying she gets some time when her DC are at school but is busier than her DH at the weekend. I only think the one parent earning/one parent at home if you are both in agreement. I don't think the OP is going to get the respect she wants if she goes for the " I'm busier than you" angle as that would piss nearly anyone of.