my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

good post nooka

Congratulations scottish I think you may just have found the world's thinnest argument.

Bond Sorry your experience of mumsnet has been a negative one.

If you give it a bit more time, you might realise it's not all like this.

There are some topics that you might want to steer clear of though, Sahms is one, breast vs bottle is another.

doing your own housework is not a job. doing someone else's is.

"If there was no stay at home parent, there is a weekly cost of hiring the cleaner, taxi and childcare. "

once the DCs are at school, there are say 5 hours in the day for housekeeping.

so 25 hours available housekeeping a week (unless you live at Downton Abbey). it really cannot take that long. otherwise how would people who work be able live in a clean and tidy house?

If a parent arranges their life so their is no childcare cost, then obviously that is a financial contribution, akin to a 'job'. Though of course one needn't be a SAHP to do that.

I've always worked, but done so in a way that has virtually precluded childcare. I think that has financial value and for my part is part of my calculation when looiking at my financial contribution to our family.

But other domestic chores? I'm not so sure.

Before we had DC we had to shop, cook, wash, iron and clean or outsource. My Mum who is retired has to do all those things. These things are just part of life surely? The idea that we're tallying up a filled dishwasher or an emptied bin as having financial value seems to me very odd. And only seems to be something that happens when DC arrive. Before anf after that, people just crack on with it, don't they?

Ella...I don think many MNers can compute the idea that sahps might have other responsibilities, not just their homes and dc?
Up til a health scare last year I did 2 voluntary jobs. I hope to do so again.
I am my mothers carer.
I have 2 dc with health issues that mean they have more than the usual amount of time off school/hospital appts etc.
In fact ds2 is off ill this week (again)
I do drive, but there is a general assumption on MN that everyone does/lives in a big city with great transport links.
How lovely to know that so many women think I am a waste of space and should be out "earning" instead of looking after my family.
I refuse to have my value as a person determined by how much per hour someone will pay me.
And I feel sorry for those who can a only define themselves in those terms.

Bondfan stick around, don't go.

You always get the eejits on these threads who stick the boot into SAHM accusing them of being lazy feckers sponging off their husbands (or the state). The same words, same posters.

Of course, whilst they themselves, work a full time job with equal pay to their husbands, run half marathons every other evening, keep their house sparkling, whilst hosting parties for 30 every weekend.

They are either a)lying b) superhuman twats you wouldn't want to know in RL c) envious

Just ignore them, you'll get the hang of doing that soon enough

They are either a)lying b) superhuman twats you wouldn't want to know in RL c) envious

what a silly thing to say. basic housework - for many people - can be fitted around a FT job. this is really obvious because vast numbers of people do it for years.

Why ignore bowler?

This isn't a support forum as bond thought. This is a discussion board. There are lots of highly intelligent, highly articulate people on here. If their opinions are different to yours, then that's good, no?

It makes you think. It makes you engage.

If posters just want everyone to agree with one another and pat them on the back with a 'poor you', then they're in the wrong place.

And yeah, lots of parents do manage to raise their DC and earn money.

In fact the majority of parents do that! SAHPs are the minority.

And no, we're not superhuman, or lying, or jealous (I mean, come on!).

Bowlers....hmm...yes.
Ime when people say vile things like the above about a whole section of society it is generally to make them feel better about their^ life choices.
Sad, but there you go.
Regret having to put little jimmy into nursery at 8 weeks?
How much easier to deride those who don't than deal with the guilt?
I honestly do not give a toss how people care for their kids unless it directly affects me or my dc (those lovely parents who knowingly send their ill dc into school and infect half the class because the job is soooo important and they are soooo speshul. They give me the rage)
You are right - it's always the same posters. almost getting predictable now :)

Ime when people say vile things like the above about a whole section of society

you are reacting very emotionally to a very unemotional argument which is along the lines of basic housework is no big deal and is not a FT job.

that not an offensive comment. that's not a major criticism of anyone. of course you could stand up your argument that basic house keeping is a FT job. if you can.....................?

Yes word it is a discussion board. Not even AIBU. Very sad when a poster is so shocked by the awful obnoxious posts she wants to leave after one day.

I hope she sticks around because MN can give a lot.

Totally agree Badvoc. It's shocking that people write vile posts about a whole section of their fellow MNers.

as i said very emotional while avoiding any actual debate.

Seriously, if people at that adversley affected by strangers on the internet, then they need to find other ways of entertaining themselves.

For that is all MN is. A bit of fun. A place to blether...

Badvoc who put their child in nursery at 8 weeks?

Or did you just make that bit up?

Do you really believe people are jealous and sad becaus ethey work? Do you really believe all those Dads out there, the vast vast majority of whom went back to work way before their DC were 8 weeks, are sad and jealous of SAHPs?

Word But it's hard edges take some getting used to. If you get used to it, then yes, it's a great place, to be. But you need to learn to let some of it wash over you if you find it is starting to affect you. Because it has got an awful lot to offer as a forum.

And some people are nasty and hurtful for the sake of it. Don't you agree?

I have never said housework is a ft job!
Who has? Please read my posts....
My voluntary roles took up a big chunk of my week, as does caring for my mother.
Yes, I do know people who put their dc I to nursery at 8 weeks, 10 weeks and 11 weeks. They had no choice - they had to work. I don't judge them but I know that they were very, very unhappy about it. Just search MN for threads from mothers going back to work and very upset at having to out their child into nursery/CM. Not all parents are happy outsourcing childcare.
Wordfactory...it's not men attacking a whole section of society about their life choice is it?'(unless you count Iain Duncan smith of course)

Bond...don't go.
Just avoid sahm/wohm threads (like this!) Ff/bf threads and Aibu and you'll be fine :)
Seriously, have had some Amazing support and help from MN over the years, and whilst I may not agree (ha!) with the opinions posted on this thread I always find it very enlightening to find out what people really think - people are usually much more honest on an anonymous forum that they would be to your face.

So Badvoc you're extrapolating from a couple of parents you know it real life and deciding that posters on this thread, whose opinions you don't like, must have done the same...ah well.

As for whether this is about men. Well it was a man who started this issue, no?

The OP's husband is not happy for her to be a SAHM to school aged DC.

So clearly men do have an opinion on this.

And some posters have had the temerity to say, they have some sympathy with that male opinion. You don't like it. But hey ho.

I notice that those frothing over posts about housework, cheerfully ignored nooka who gave a very measured account of why she didn't feel comfortable when the genders were reversed.

Nooka's post was very, very good.

badvoc - the OP says she does "everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down" and the DC are at school.

so the OP is saying keeping house is (more than) a FT job.

Depends on who you are married to I suppose....
and how high your standards are :)
My sister is married to a man child she enables. She even goes to dr and optician apts with him in case he gets lost
I think it also depends on your dc tbh.
Some are very high needs, some not.
Ds1 was a very high needs baby and small child. He is 10 now and soooo much easier.
Ds2 was an easy baby and toddler but is becoming high needs now (he is 5)
Dh and I have talked many times about him being the sole wage earner nd my guilt about that but, as he points out - me being at home means he has been able to take on a different role which means he is much happier at work and with much more chance of career progression. He is very happy for me to be a "feckless layabout" for a few more years :)
BUT, when one or other partner isn't happy, yes something has to give. However, that doesn't excise the awful things being said in this thread about ALL sahms...coz we is all the same innit?
Sigh.

Please try to look at this systemically. Everyone is under pressure and directing their anger the wrong way.

Man feeling under pressure by being forced to be sole breadwinner blaming wife - blaming the wrong person mate, blame the patriarchal system that decided it would be fun to isolate women from direct access to material rewards to her labour thereby securing sex and domestic services on tap; the knock-on effects of this are that women really struggle to be in the work place, esp. with children, and make it pay a decent reward for their time, or pay at all

Also - he could blame late capitalism for the fact that his work is nasty and insecure and poorly rewarded

Woman feeling under pressure from society (and perhaps her own parner) to take unfair share of responsibility in the home despite WOH full time - lashes out at SAHM whom she thinks has it easy - wrong enemy

SAHM who feels devalued because her work is not paid - and is not just feeling devalued but is actually open to physical and financial abuse - lashing out at WOHMs who she thinks are the source of this disrespect and vulnerability - wrong enemy

The infuriating thing about all these "wrong enemies" is that this misinterpretation of what is happening is actively promoting the interests of patriarchal capital

PLEASE STOP DOING IT