my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

Not your usual Those men need to be careful what they wish for then After all being seen as the hired help is SUUUCCCH a HUUUGGE turn on

Pagwatch it's all about perception. If all DH thinks you do all day is cook, clean and fanny about, while they have to work hard to bring home the bacon and all the responsibility that entails, although they may love you and say they respect you, it doesn't mean they don't see your role as lower status than theirs, hence the hired help reference. This would be the same were roles reversed. It's human nature.

Darkest, genuinely made me lol!

Or it might be about having the perception to spot that you are hooking up with a man who is a bit thick and totally lacking in imagination.

It's not human nature. It's self absorbed nonsense.

Is this type of thinking 'men will think of a sahm as a woman fannying about and will look down on her -' just an extension of 'my dh never cleans the bathroom because he just can't do it right ' or 'I have to buy presents for mil because my dh is a typical man and is rubbish at present buying' .
Just more random stuff that women happily accept fom men ?

I'm glad I brought my son up differently. And my dd for that matter.

Oh Pagwatch, stop being so self righteous and deliberately obtuse. Life out there in the big wide world of work, is harder for a lot of people nowadays. They are having to work harder, for longer, for less, so I can understand why a stressed and tired man or woman would look at their partner who doesn't have any of the burden and resent it. This is especially heightened if the SAHP keeps moaning about how hard they have it at home. How does this explain them being thick or lacking in imagination? Perhaps SAHMs could save their moaning for their coffee mornings and be happy with the lot they have chosen.

personally I would find it difficult to appreciate the work of generally looking after the house plus school ages children with no SNs. i would find it hard to see their contribution as equal to a FT job in time, stress etc.

I can see how resentment would build up.

(i do appreciate that many SAHP do much more than the basics)

Every time i see attitudes like yours Notyourusual it makes me glad i sidestepped having children

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am amazed at how other women are devaluing the work of being a mother and a homemaker and while making out that paid work is a terrible thing. If OP's husband doesn't like his job, maybe he should think about changing it rather than treating her with contempt, and I could say the same to a lot of the posters on here.
I always preferred paid employment to staying at home myself, which gives me even more respect for women who opt to do this.

Pagwatch, DH and I completely equal partners and chores are shared 50/50 as is annual leave time off when kids are ill etc. No doormats in this house. Helps that we both earn the same annual salary and work in the same industry, so mutual respect all round. I wouldn't put up with him expecting me to do all the chores when we both work, however if I was at home all day then yes I would be doing most of the chores. Isn't that just common sense, or do you just not like hard work? Both our kids are help out with the chores too, obviously age appropriate, so your last statement is way off the mark. In my experience it's the SAHM mothers who seem to produce pampered, mollycoddled kids because they tend to do everything for them.

Arghhh! I've just cone back from yoga to read that sahp's moan about how hard it is at home. No they don't!

Look up thread where many sahm's do say we have fucking great easy lives.

If my dh came home tonight and said he wanted to leave work, we'd talk and put together a plan. If I decided I wanted to work out of the home, again we'd talk and make a plan together.

Wouldn't insist that he worked so I could fanny around at home because that would make me a fuckwit.
He wouldn't insist that I had to stay at home that would make him a fuckwit.

If the plans we made took longer than we hoped we'd be patient and keep talking to each other. We wouldn't sulk or be resentful that would be unhelpful.

Now I'm going to lie down and eat bon bon's whilst declaring how hard my day is because that's what some of the worker bees imagine I'm doing anyway

Totally agree with your posts Pagwatch

Great-now as a sahm I'm a door mat with kids who can't do anything because they are to pampered.

No generalisations or wild assumtions there then.

FFS.

Darkest, if by "attitudes like yours", you mean "the truth" then there isn't anything else I can say to you.

Like I said...I have been off work for two weeks and as a sahm I have:
Made an Easter bonnet for dd.
Started clearing out the house
Booked and taken the cat to the vets to have him castrated
Started a diploma in distance learning
Started making pottery again to hopefully sell
Cleaned the house
Shopped, cooked, cleaned
Had time to do dd homework for her.
Written a formal complaint

Etc, etc, etc

I start a new job on Thurs and tbh I'm dreading it.

Being a mum is a big role in itself.

notusual your truth = massive chip on your shoulder

I must add that when working I had no time to tackle the above list.

To be fair impty the opening post does talk about doing 'everything' and never stopping from sunrise to sun down!!!

And quite a few posters joined in with the 'oh the work never stops' routine.

So whilst some SAHPs have admitted they have lots of free time, others have protrayed themselvses as on a never ending merry go round of domestic drudgery.

Yes, but on the other hand I know people who have pretty easy jobs and are happy to admit it.

I just think its very easy to say all sahm's are moaning about how hard they have it/ are doormats/ have no respect from their dh's/ over pamper their children.

It's a lazy generalisation, and I'm bored of hearing it on MN.

Empty, sorry Impty, read Wordfactory's post then respond if you have any more insights to give. I'll check in later and wait with baited breath

Notyourusual why do you think you know everything? You aren't god so stop acting like it. I work and look after my ds and am currently pregnant. I find my shifts at work actually, a LOT easier than being at home with im having to clean, tidy, keep him entertained and deal with inevitable strops and tantrums. So your point is rubbish. I DO work and I'll admit I find staying at home a lot harder than going out to work. And my job isn't exactly stress free either. Plenty of people have said on this thread they have been SAHM and working parents at some point and have found being a sahm the harder role so please stop throwing around going to work is always harder as it isn't true for everybody

notyourusual
I did respond -please learn to read, there's a dear.

I know SAHM and women that work outside the home who either say or actually are super busy all the time. I've heard comments such as "I never watch TV in the evening as I'm ironing until midnight". I had a SAHM neighbour who didn't seem to stop all day, she was always hoovering the car or painting something. I think it's just a personality thing, luckily I'm really good at relaxing.

Notyourusual1

Is it possible for you to post anything without throwing in a wild and random generalisation.

Now most children of sahms are mollycoddled. What a pile of crap.

Have you considered the possibility that you know pampered chikdren, lazy sahms, men who shag other women because their wives bore them, who don't respect their wives because you have a really skanky social circle?

I don't know anyone like that. You sem to be the constant in this Jeremy Kyle vista you keep describing.

And dh and i share tasks because we view each other as equals. Plus he doesn't work either.

creamycooler I think personality does come into it.

I like to be super busy, and I like a lot of projects on the go. I've been like that whatever jobs/roles I've had.