my dh resents me for not working

[thestarryskiesabove]

we have 2 Dc's, 4 & 5, both in full time education, it was always agreed that one of us would stay at home and look after the kids until they were older, whilst the other worked - I am now looking to get a job but have so far been unsuccessful. The fall out is that dh is being really resentful towards me and pretty much treats me like a home help/employee, ie with disdain and contempt. I get that my role is perceived as the easier one, but in reality our hours are pretty much similar in that I am a house wife 7 days a week, I do everything to do with the house and kids from sunrise to sun down - whereas he does a 40 hour week mon to fri. How do i deal with his deep, brooding resentment?, obviously apart from getting a job - thats for the future, i am talking about right now.

enlighten good that he is being sensible! I didnt go back FT for the first 12 years- I had 7 years SAHM and 5 years PT. That was quite fast enough! there is still bloody ages until retirement .

A good thing about college lecturer type work is the flexibility and the pension scheme. But if it makes you miserable, then it's a non-starter.

signing off now, back to the coal mines

My DH loves what he does and is doing what he always dreamed of doing - his own business. So he's not enslaved to an employer and couldn,t pack it in if he wanted to.

He does not feel burdened by being the sole earner at all. In fact he thinks there is a huge kudos attached to being able to provide well for 4 people. I've got no idea if this is a view shared by many single income earners though. Is it?

It gives him great satisfaction yet he does acknowldege that it's a luxurious position to be in.

We do have a zombie plan though if all goes tits up. I think it's important to have contingencies and kniw what you would do if .....

The model of "wives activities" would make sense if it were not gendered. A person who is going to work long hours and have a family may well have a partner at home; (s)he may have moved to facilitate this job, not know a lot of people, and not have a WOH-place of his / her own to meet people. Recognising the unsung heroes that allow the person in the office to do their thing - recognising them as humans with social needs - is reasonable. It's the gendering that is so awful and cringey.
Of course even if they weren't gendered they might be awful in practice but they would at least be better in theory.

@Apatite

Actually at the point at which I stopped working I was more senior than dh. And earning more. So no, not really little wifey.
I had continued to work after ds1 but ds2 has profound difficulties. Life was intolerable with both of us trying to work in the city and cope with two chikdren, one with severe SN.
I chose to stop. If we were both honest I think I would say it was because his prospects were better than mine. He would say it was because I was braver than him. I know tht because that is how he viewed it.

Pagwatch I didn't mean to direct that at you. It was a general comment, and frankly there are a number of MNers who have lost careers simply because their husbands got priority. In your case, I can see why your circumstances dictated your choice. My prospects are just as good as my husband's (if not better) so I would not choose to stop unless I really had to.

I see a lot of women give up jobs in the city. Is it really that bad I terms of work life balance? Does anyone work part time there?

Apatite I think there are part time positions in the city. Maybe not many but some.

However, the reality is that clients are global and the sums of money involved mean it's difficult to say 'oh Beryl doen't work Thursdays or Fridays.'

It's a bit of a different ball game, there, I think.

But there are tons of jobs outside the city, which could work, I think, If people were just a bit more ooen minded and creative.

But Clayhanger, whether I worked or not DH would still have that burden. I'm a teacher. He's a lawyer for an investment bank and earns 5x what I do. We cut our cloth accordingly and live according to our household income like most people. So as my f/t salary would barely cover our mortgage then if DH lost his job we would still be pretty much struggling whether I worked or not. As it is we have a lot of insurance to cover various stuff but me working would barely dent our outgoings so DH would still have that worry of being the primary breadwinner.

As it is, his job is fairly secure and he loves it so he doesn't feel too pressured at having to go to work.

wordfactory, there could be a lot more flexibility in city firms without compromising integrity. As DH works for a US bank, he often has calls to do late evening. This also means that his mornings are relatively quiet as they're all still asleep across the pond. It would not be at all unreasonable for some staff to work, say, from 11am-8pm to enable them to drop kids at Sch each morning esp as there's plenty of work to be done between 5pm-8pm when NY is still in the office. But it's frowned upon. Mind you, they don't even understand why the Brits demand and take so much annual leave. They generally settle for a day or so tagged into Thanksgiving, a couple of days at Christmas and a 2 wks annual family holiday.

Sorry Apatite, I didn't mean it to sound like I was retorting.
I guess I was just tryingto illustrate that the simplicity of 'I gave up work and dh carried on' is not always as straightforward as it seems.

I think part time in the city is hard but I hope it's getting better. I was working at a time when my boss asked me not to stand up during a client meeting so they were less likely to see I was pregnant.

We did manage to both work for three years though by mixing up drop off and pick up at nursery. And for a while ds1 commuted with us to a city based nursery. But the commute, the hours and the rest of it was really hard once you moved up.
Although once DH became senior enough suddenly flexibility abounds [what a surprise]

I think it's also important to point out that not every woman on mn had a career prior to dc...I am sure a lot of us just had "jobs" which we did to get paid...probably thought we would do something else eventually but then met out Dh/dp and had dc...
I really don't see my only value in life as being what someone is willing to pay me per hour to do.
But that's just me.
Sadly it seems sahms are not valued for simply that reason...they aren't paid, so how can what they do be of any value!?

Yes Badvoc
Ditto carers. It's unpaid so it's valueless to many.

Another point is there are many different stages throughout life. I've done the single mother/going to university/work/headless chicken bit, supported DH when he had nothing and now doing the SAHM with no money worries bit. Who knows in a few years I could have a good career and my DH could well be winding down from his big career. My degree is in Sociology so I have had feminist literature coming out of my ears so now think there's nothing wrong with a bit of 'Closer' in my life. When I first started work as a home care assistant I used to see the elderly person I was visiting and I'm ashamed to say I made the assumption they had been sat there on their couch all their lives. Then with more experience I realised each person had lived full and fascinating lives. I think it's easy to judge people on what they are or are not doing now rather than seeing the bigger picture.

Yep.
I am basically my mums carer. And her needs are going to get more complex as time goes on...

I agree, I'm a part time carer for relatives too. The workplace in general needs to be more supportive for both parents, so there is no penalty for raising a family. So that whoever wants to have a career, can do so! And not only if you can work 100 hour weeks. We are still a long way from making a career equally feasible for all.

The truth is we don't, as a society, value unpaid domestic work. And so we don't allow anyone the time to actually do it (as it's "unimportant") while still contributing to the workplace. We don't have affordable child care for all. We don't have a culture of frameworks for flexible working. We make them choose: work or home. And by default, we make one half of a couple choose, and it seems the mother ends up at home. It's very frustrating.

Nancy jones, dh works for an American company and they don't have it as bad as they make out holiday wise. They conveniently don't count the Fridays in Summer they have off. Or is that just Dh's NY based company?

If you have two children, a couple of years apart, even if you home educate them, you are going to have about 20 years on full time parent duty. That is all, out of perhaps 50, 60 years of adulthood.

There is no actual practical or economic need for that 18 years per child to exclude the parent from the workforce before or after - even during, if you send the child to school, as most of us do - but it does for all sorts of knock-on indirect reasons, expressed clearly on here and on other threads. It is so patently a racket. By making it artificially the case that mothers can't earn properly, you enforce a system where men get awarded domestic servants. It's just a way of allocating women to men to do what they like with.

Don't get me wrong - as I keep saying, to any happy woman in a relationship with a nice man who is happy doing non-earning stuff - more power to her elbow. I am sure a lot of what she is doing is more useful and rewarding than what a lot of people do who are earning.

But there still remains the dark and ugly truth that there are many who did not choose that set up, that are suffering financial, emotional, or even physical abuse, and their husbands like having someone at home who "can't" complain when he won't even put his socks in the laundry basket.

I think this OP may or may not want to work but, whatever, while she doesn't have a job, and can't find one, her husband is using her not earning as an excuse to disrespect her. If / when she does find one, he will continue to disrespect her by coming up with a million rationales for still not doing anything in the house. (I bet)

In answer to the poster upthread who thought it was my own fault if dc went private. (dc go to school 20 miles away from home.)

Dc1 does go private to a school 20 miles from home but that means dropping her at the station each day 5 miles away. Dc2 goes state and that is 10 miles away, in the opposite direction. Even if dd went to the same school then my journey would still result in the same return time.

Clayhanger - carers don't have the option of stopping either if it all gets a bit much. My health has been not great for the past few years - I've had to carry on running the home, caring for an autistic child and working part time when I've been so unwell my doctor has recommended I be signed off sick. Made me laugh. As if. DH has private health insurance and sick pay. I'm expected to plough on as normal no matter how I feel. (My p/t job is self employed).

Equally she is disrespecting him by giving him no choice not to work as she doesnt want too. She fancies a few years with free days yet I highly doubt she'd be happy if her DH came home and said he had resigned as fancied doing the same.

I dont think its too much to ask that a partner contributes to the financial pot regardless of what it is spent on. What does it teach children, that boys get no choice and will have to work as their wives wont and that girls dont have to try hard at school as they just need to find a man

Yes childcare can be costly and holidays may need covering but thats life. It doesnt take Einstein to work out that if you have more than one child costs heavily increase. So many excuses to not work, yet thousands of other women manage it.

I highly doubt she'd be happy if her DH came home and said he had resigned as fancied doing the same

HappyMummy a) are you a mind reader? You have no idea what the OP what think if that was the situation

b) he would be very unreasonable just to come home and announce to his wife he had just resigned, without prior discussion with her. The OP and her DH had been fully in agreement that she was a SAHM with her small children before she had them. She didn't just announce it to him one day.

So OP, after all this input, what are your thoughts now? Perhaps acknowledging that your DH works harder to support you and your kids, is a start? Be happy with your choice to be a SAHM but don't compare it to his role, because the two are not the same. I don't condone his behaviour towards you, but can see why some men would see their SAH wives as little more than the hired help.

enlightenmequickTue 25-Mar-14 10:17:43

sgb I'm certainly reminded I am from a working class background, quite regularly on here.

Especially when solutions to problems are, hire a nanny, a cleaner, chuck him out he can stay in a hotel etc.

Unfortunately money is an object for some.

Me too enlighten Ive posted about the problems my DN is having living with her grandparents (my parents) on here and a couple of posters suggested i put her up in the spare room I live in a one bedroom flat and DH and i already sleep seperately partly due to his health.

Not once on the thread was i asked "what about her dad" (my DB) now how do these attitudes tally with what women are expected to do It seems even childless women are expected to take responsibility now before a man who actually has kids does!
This needs to change. Because how the hell is it conducive with women working full time.

Notyourusual1

Any man who would see his wife, the woman he supposedly loved and started a family with, as the hired help would be a huge wanker.
Just like the ones you know who shag other women because they find their wife boring.

Are we playing 'men are shallow tossers' bingo. Because most of the men I know are not like that.

It's funny how in 'defending' the dhs you are portraying them as selfish, sexually incontinent and boorish ..

Happymummy

If he came home and announced he was resigning that would be completely different from the agreement that they made as a couple for her to stop working.
Not the same at all.