My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

256 replies

Cakehanded · 20/03/2014 19:34

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree? Grin

Feeling better already!

OP posts:
Report
Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 23/03/2014 08:39

Ah my first boyfriend, or as my family called him, lucky escape. Round at his dp's house, staying whilst he recovered from an op. I was reading, put book down to get a tissue. He followed me waving book saying "you may think being untidy like this is acceptable in your home but it isn't in mine"
Went to my ds (constant building site) put his hand on top of doorframe and did the white glove/dust thing. Told me his df had hit his dm on occasion, but that was acceptable as she deserved it. And I was a bit of a slut as although I was a virgin when we met, I knew how to orgasm.
A prize.

Report
Thattimeofyearagain · 23/03/2014 09:18

Ex P from my young & stupid days.
We lived together, I earned less but paid for 70% of rent, bills ect, because he had lived alone for a year & it was only fair that he got lots of spends to himself.
We also worked together & were both invited to a leaving do for a mutual friend. He finished hours before me & went off on the piss & when I joined them he screamed at me to piss off, coz I was an ugly far cow ( size 8 at the time).
Colleagues were great, gave me cab fare home - to next city where my family was Smile.
The next day I got loads of calls from friends, colleagues etc telling me what a knob he was, bragging that he had me under his thumb & well trained . Tosser.
Got job transferred & met my lovely dh.

Report
Bleuuuuurgh · 23/03/2014 09:26

Inspiration - are you still with him? Is this thread inspiring you to leave? I had a horrible horrible ex many years ago who I left, he told me I was fat, which I wasn't, and when I looked at him like he was mad, he got really stroppy. Total waste of space!

Report
RalphGnu · 23/03/2014 09:51

I caught one ex with a half naked teenage girl on my sofa when I'd come home from work early. His excuse was it was because he loved me so much he had to do something with the excess love as it was making him ill. Hmm

I agreed to let him stay that night but he had to leave the next morning - he stayed up all night sobbing loudly and then I woke up to a ten page letter detailing all my faults and why I should stay with him. I also later discovered he'd taken the sofa cushions off and pissed all over the base, in my speakers, my plants, over all my clean washing in the dryer and in my shampoo bottle. The guy had a lot of piss! I lined my cat's litter tray with his new suit for a couple of days and hung it back up in the liner, ready for him to collect.

Report
Thattimeofyearagain · 23/03/2014 10:32

Lots of wankbadgers out there......

Mine kept sending letters through the internal post system , I sent them back to his manager Grin

Report
FastWindow · 23/03/2014 13:00

An ex of mine claimed to be five years younger than he really was. When I found his passport whilst on holiday, bearing his true birthday, he claimed that he had had a brother who died and his parents had named him the exact same, so it wasn't really his passport, it was his dead older brothers. He absolutely refused to change this story when I expressed my doubt.

He also claimed to have been in the SBS - but wasn't allowed to talk about it. Of course, how convenient.

Report
DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 23/03/2014 13:12

This thread is reminding me of soooooo many things my ex husband used to do. Just a few highlights:

I sat my driving test eight weeks after starting lessons. When I told him the date, his comment was "what a waste of money, you'll fail". I passed first time round.

As a 9stone bulimic, he told me he would make sure I knew when I was too fat as he wouldn't want to have sex any more.

31 weeks pregnant with second child, rushed into hospital in the middle of the night on Xmas eve with contractions every five minutes. A week later, still in hospital, still contracting "you don't mind if me and daughter (17 months old) don't come to see you for a few days do you? We're going to my parents to have a good new year".

About four months before I left him, I wrote a really long and heartfelt letter about how upset I was with the way our marriage was going. I left it on the bed and asked him to read it. After a while he came out, said he was sorry and gave me a hug. The night I told him it was over, he told me he had no idea our marriage was in trouble. When I mentioned the letter, he informed me it was too long so he hadn't bothered reading it.

I have sooo many more!

Report
CurtWild · 23/03/2014 13:30

Third date with a guy I met at college..took me out to one of his regular haunts to introduce me to everyone. Five minutes in he told me to wait at the bar and order drinks as he just had to nip to the loo. I waited twenty minutes before heading towards the mens..and he was sat drinking at a table with four girls practically hanging off him. His excuse? They shanghaied him before he could make it to the loo and he thought it would be rude to ignore them. But it wasn't rude to abandon his date?!
Needless to say there was no fourth date.
I actually bumped into him a few years later and we had a giggle about that night. He admitted he'd completely forgotten he'd left me at the bar. No hard feelings but still..

Report
buttonortwo · 23/03/2014 18:56

I'm not pretty when I don't smile. I am a wannabe. I live in the past. I wanted him to drop me at home on way back from pub, he continued in the car onto the motorway and told me he was 'taking me on a journey'. He threatened suicide, I would find him in my garage

Report
vrtra · 23/03/2014 21:05

just the highlights: had a mouse running loose in his house & would not condone pest control then blamed me when it foraged in the bin

his housemate blocked the loo with a massive shit while I was staying, he refused to call a plumber or let me do so as he wanted the landlord to sort it, when I HAD to go on the 3rd night after it blocked as I was on my period, he then let his housemates blame me for the blockage saying I must have flushed a sanitary towel. I grew up in a house with a macerator toilet I know what you do and don't flush!!

lied about missing his train home the first time I met him so he had to stay at mine... I was so naive I fell for it

well rid

Report
minkBernardLundy · 23/03/2014 21:52

Mine told me he could not pay bills at my house where he slept and our kids lived because he had bills to pay in his own house (which he didn't live in).

When I binned him he then complained about how much the bills in his house were costing him and how it wasn't fair.Confused

his other favorite was asking me for a favour (e.g. picking him from somewhere) then adding lots and lots of conditions and screaming at me until I said I wasn't that keen to do the favour anymore. Then saying well then I won't ask you again!!

And the sight of him trying to flounce out with 50" telly under his arm (it took two trips) is a memory I will treasure. He has no idea how ludicrous he looked.Grin the dc don't recall it so fondly though as they were watching it.Sad

Report
Springheeled · 23/03/2014 22:45

Some rants were quite bonkers, but too specific to mention here, wish I could though! Wish I had at the time, Mumsnet would have put me straight ASAP.
One I can say is the time he was angry and sulking and started dawdling pathetically (we were late for an event I had booked) so I slowed down a bit but kept going. Apparently I had stormed off ahead of him in a huff to make him feel unhappy. That was an early and very very minor version of the immense head bending and has lighting that was to come.

Report
ballsballsballs · 23/03/2014 23:23

Another XH one. He once shouted at me for half an hour for carrying something he thought I shouldn't in my own handbag.

I was carrying 2 non-applicator tampons, and it wasn't my period. Which is a Bad Thing, apparently.

And I was once called a slut for painting my nails in a neutral colour.

Thanks for this thread. I had both XH and XBF on my Facebook and this thread has made me wonder why I have 2 abusive men on the fringes of my life. Now they are gone :)

Report
honey86 · 24/03/2014 22:47

This is the only thing keeping me at NC atm... Been gaslighted intensely this week my minds a mess Sad ow in the mix too so my self esteem is in tatters. This thread reminds me of his bad side spurs me on abit longer x

Report
bigredstapler · 24/03/2014 23:45
  1. Not being able to get back from a town 40

miles away when I had to have a therapeutic termination for a molar Pregnancy on my birthday and needed him to look after ds1 who was 16 months old... He was away with work but it would have inconvenienced his colleagues. My 60 year old mother dropped everything and drove 150 miles instead to be with me and take care of DS1.

  1. Telling me to take ds3 to hospital for surgery by bus at 8am as it would have been too hard for him to drive me there (all of about 1.5 miles) in rush hour with ds1 & 2 in tow. He was on leave at the time.


  1. Telling me it was a turn off that I complained of discomfort from my coil one time we dtd, walking off there and then, and not comimg near me again for 7 months.... But telling me almost proudly that he had a 'raging' Internet porn habit.


4 .Regularly coming home from work 5 hours after his finish time then sitting outside the house listening to music in his car for 20 mins or so when we had 3 under 3 and I had been home with them all day /week. He needed time to chill out.

  1. When I was doing a college course to retain after redundancy he was late home every week (despite having agreed to be back on to me) so that I was late for college.... I would get back at 9pm and find all of Ds1's tea stuff, toys etc out and get asked 'what is for supper' soon as I walked in (I was pregnant with DT's at the time).


  1. Getting up at 10 or so on a Sunday, making himself a cooked breakfast then telling me and the 3 ds it was waay too early for lunch when we were hungry at 12.30 even tho we had been up and breakfasted at 7am.


  1. Telling me I didn't really need to bother the hospital when I miscarried alone at home and getting cross and awkward when I asked him to go out and buy some heavy duty sanitary towels. Made out like I had asked him to buy some hen's teeth.


  1. Vanishing to read the paper in peace for an hour or so when friends over for Sunday lunch, likewise disappearing on a what should have been a short (20 min) errand when lunching with friends on holiday.... He had supposedly gone to get some beers.... When questioned and late for lunch friends had cooked 'oh I went for a wander round the castle and to have a coffee'.


9.We agreed to split at Xmas- he met the love of his life 5 weeks later. We are still sharing a house until his new place completes. I told him it was not OK to come home from her house in the wee small hours and get into bed with me so time to move into the spare room and got 'but it' s cold in there '.

.... I could go on....
Report
lovemenot · 24/03/2014 23:52

My stbxh, then dp, came home from the pub one evening to mind dd so's I could go to my uncle's surprise 80th with my sister and her boyfriend.

An hour later I get a call from him telling me not to bother coming home as he has locked me out of the house. Because.....my sister's boyfriend looked at him and made him feel like a babysitter!!!!!!

Front door locked, phones off, doorbell disconnected and my little 18 month old dd locked away from me. I packed up and left the next morning. Unfortunately I went back five years later and am now in the process of leaving again.

Report
lovemenot · 25/03/2014 00:11

Hahahaha.....right now he has put up a poster thingy on his FB page that says "Apologizing doesn't always mean you are wrong and the other person is right. It means you value your relationship more than your ego".

This from the man who calls me a fucking bitch and never, ever apologises. I guess it's a little message to me to remind me that I can save this marriage if I just apologise for making him call me a fucking bitch!

Report
YellowTulips · 25/03/2014 03:12

From an ex partner of 8 years:

Ex: if we have children what characteristics would you like them to have from you and which from me?

Me: actually IF (note: as I had big doubts at this point) we decided that is just want them to be healthy and happy why?

Ex: I have thought about it a lot. I want them to look like you, but be like me, you know in personality and intellect etc

Me: err you want to explain that? (Miffed as am as well educated as him - degree etc)

Ex: well I fancy you but not sure I like you that much and I want to like my kids so I think that's the best of both worlds

me: do you realise how insulting you are being?

Ex: not trying to do that at all.I was about to ask you to marry me so we could have kids. You are so fucking annoying. So what about it?

Me: what the fuck are you on? Where are you going with this?

Ex: You aren't expecting a ring are you? Or anything romantic?

Suffice to say I left soon after......idiot.

Report
Zazzles007 · 25/03/2014 04:03

Being berated continuously by the ex-Twat for "not loving him enough", and "I don't feel loved by you". Asked him to rate our relationship out of 10 - got the answer "I'm really happy in the other areas of my life, but our relationship is a 4/10" Shock. When I eventually got rid of this emotionally abusive arse 4 months later, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to give the relationship (yet) another shot Hmm.

And another - several months after we had been together, I discovered his online profile back up. Texted him and called him an arsehole. His response? "I was getting a photo off the site for my mother." By that time I had twigged on the lies and double standards.

What an Utter Twat!

Report
bigredstapler · 25/03/2014 07:44

I posted my list in anger. I realise mine not abusive a such just monumentally selfish. Some of the stories on here are grim.

Report
DocMcStuffinsBigBookOfOuches · 25/03/2014 09:09

Thought of another story.

When I left him, I walked out and left everything apart from the kids, my cat and my gerbil. We met up to discuss dividing up the household possessions. Every single thing I said I would need, or want, he immediately demanded to have. By this point I was disengaged from the control, so I said "you know what, why don't you keep everything and I'll take nothing".

Apparently I did this deliberately to shame him as I knew he couldn't possibly take things as he had nowhere to store anything...

Report
PedantMarina · 25/03/2014 09:13

no need to apologise, bigred - it's all cathartic. Smile

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

ToriaPumpkin · 25/03/2014 11:13

Your hair looks nice like that. Don't do it again, other men will notice you (this became a theme for clothes/makeup as well)

I wish you would believe me when I tell you you're beautiful. (Then when I said OK, I believe you, after months of him gettin angry with me for being modest was told that I was big headed and thought too much of myself)

All my friends were bad influences and I shouldn't spend time with them. Wasn't he enough?

There's more, like me being made to pay for everything even though he earned more than I did, the panic attacks if I disagreed with him, slamming doors and punching furniture, physically taking hold of my face and turning it to look at him in public if I dared speak to someone else but I think the cherry on top was him blaming me for his cousin dying. Apparently me leaving him was the reason his very seriously ill cousin died a few months after the split.

Report
graceholl · 25/03/2014 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninilegsintheair · 25/03/2014 12:19

Using this thread as inspiration to help push me to get out.

I had a gem at the weekend - queuing at the supermarket, 'D'H with a face like a slapped arse as I'm trying to have a conversation with him. Stopped and asked him what was wrong. "I'll tell you later", says he, and refuses to engage in any more talk, all the way home.

So when we get home I asked him what had been wrong, at first he refuses to tell, acting all dramatic and sighing and saying "You'll only get upset with me if I tell you."

Turns out he thought my breath smelt. An hour after I'd brushed my teeth before we left for home and I hadn't eaten anything in the interim. My breath didn't smell but its now made me paranoid. Sad

When you won't engage in a conversation with your wife because apparently her breath smells, you know there's something wrong. Sad

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.