50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

[Cakehanded]

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree?

Feeling better already!

[bibliomania]

Ooh, I could play this game for hours.

Bounced out of bed one Saturday morning in a good mood, took small dd downstairs, did washing up and cleaned kitchen, while he was having a lie-in. Made him a cup of coffee and brought it to him in bed, beaming cheerfully, only for him to tell me that I was absolutely digusting for making him coffee without having a shower first.

According to him: my hair was untidy, my teeth were yellow, my breath smelled, my genitals smelled, and the soles of my feet were off-puttingly rough. And I dressed like someone who was mentally incompetent, so he was embarrassed to be seen with me, as I ruined his cool image.

Like others, how dare I be so spendthrift as to pay council tax without specifically consulting him? And the way I suggested sex wasn't sexy, apparently. From his demonstration, I was meant to subtly wiggle in front of him so I implanted the idea in his head and he would suggest it, I wasn't meant to suggest it outright.

[kentishgirl]

recent ex I suspected of OW (I was right), but hadn't been able to prove it and he kept denying it.

got a letter through from Inteflora apologising for the delay of delivery of Valentine's Day flowers. Mine were delivered just fine.
Me 'so whose delivery was messed up?'
Him ............... 'I had flowers delivered to my brothers ex-wife. (ex as in nearly 10 years ex). I think they should get back together. He won't do anything himself so I sent the flowers and had a card put on with his name on it, to help them'.
Me 'that sounds rather unlikely'
Him 'are you calling me a liar!'

[ReadyisKnitting]

I had a Jewish nose. And snake eyes.

Apparently it was okay to hit me about the head, it was a tiny slap because I'd was hysterical. (Crying after an hour of nonstop ranting about what a dreadful person I was and how crap I was at stuff)

Staying in a family room on a weekend away with the dcs, ds (now dx as and adhd) woke xh from his drunken stupor. I deserved to be stabbed because I hadn't kept the kids quiet. He deserved his sleep. Had to drive back next day, leg throbbing. Still took another year to leave.

Xh to dd2 recently about a beaver event she wanted to go to "it's not important. You're not going to get a badge out of it". Poor kid was gutted when the badges were handed out.

Xh under oath in court "I only drink moderately". Hair strand results (4th one done!) Not only has he failed to provide a sufficient sample, but the sample provided was nearly 15 times the threshold for chronic alcohol consumption.

I could so go on...

[buttonortwo]

The man who swept me off my feet following my divorce with exh...
Told me I was beautiful, there was an fantastic spark between us, I thought we had so much in common... Became a man who said to me 'I was like f@@king a bucket' something along the lines of 'when I can find them' referring to my breasts... He became violent.
He did have a v small penis commented on by his ex wife which I would never say anything about out of respect, shame he wasn't the same.

[slug]

While driving us back from a party one night (I was the sober one) I was subjected to a 30 minute narration on the way I had embarrassed and humiliated him by using my hands when I talked. All accompanied, of course, with numerous gesticulations on his part

[Ringsender2]

Like others, how dare I be so spendthrift as to pay council tax without specifically consulting him? And the way I suggested sex wasn't sexy, apparently. From his demonstration, I was meant to subtly wiggle in front of him so I implanted the idea in his head and he would suggest it, I wasn't meant to suggest it outright.

^^ this conjours an horrendous image of Alan Partridge wiggling his puny bum in is fawn terylene slacks. (Sorry for all of you who've gone through this - glad there can be some amusement from it!)

[MorrisZapp]

My ex pretended to be ill so that I woukdnt go to my best friends 21st birthday party. To this day I have absolutely no idea why I thought (and he agreed) that a grown man with a poorly tum coukdnt be left alone for two hours.

When he immediately chirped up and started playing his computer games after I cancelled I thought 'oh that's nice, now he's feeling better'.

My friends pointed out what he was doing but no, they just didn't get it, I was in love.

What a fucking idiot I was. Shameful.

[Weathergames]

This is cheering me up.

My OH walked out on me 2 weeks ago the day before my birthday. Leaving all his stuff here.

Painful doesn't describe it.

[ephemeralfairy]

I managed to extricate myself before it got too bad but 10 months was enough to throw up a few gems...

Telling me I walked round the flat too loudly (in bare feet, on carpet).

When drunk, he told me to put his KFC in the fridge then yelled at me the next morning for not letting him eat it in bed.

Calling me a 'dirty slut' and trying to make me go to an STI clinic when I had a mild bout of thrush.

Calling me a 'fucking imbecile' when I couldn't work out how to wire up his ridiculously complicated h-fi system. (This was just after he'd had his umpteenth meltdown over his OU and I'd written an essay plan for him that had got him a First).

[bibliomania]

I agree, Ring, it's quite liberating to laugh at the image!

eph, I swear my ex deliberately made the TV and hi-fi system impossible to understand. Funny how I've never had any problem with electronic equipment since I left (well, the odd struggle, but I've worked it out myself).

[CurtWild]

Me - The wifi's gone off
Him - Really? Mine's fine
Me - Weird..
Looks at the router and it has no lights on at all.
Me - You sure you have wifi?
Him - Yup
Went over to the router, pointed out all the lights are off..and everything is unplugged from it.
Me - So you have wifi even though it's all unplugged.
Him - Oh I don't have it now you've unplugged it.
Me - WTAF?????
Geez I could go on and on..

[wickedwitchofwaterloo]

There are loads but the straw that broke the camels back, was during a conversation about chicken caesar salad, I mentioned that in the hour and a half I had to kill between jobs, I had, had a really nice one in a pub near to work.
He accused me of 'going out without him' and called me an untrustworthy bitch and a whore.
Right then.

[honey86]

When ex wanted me to wait an extra 2 years to go on holiday so he can go on 2 others with 'friends' before that... while staying conveniently single n uncommitted to me.
Basically wanting me to wait so to come on my holiday with me without any input of effort sacrifice or commitment. Entitled.

[vikkik888]

Accidentally got one of his lottery numbers wrong once (genuine mistake) which meant he won a tenner instead of 60 quid.

He gave me 7 days to get the difference into his bank account. I had to borrow it from my mum as I had no money.

I've said this before on here but it still sits on my stomach like it was yesterday! Wanker.

[CurtWild]

I got so sick of being rejected and feeling crap about myself over him not being interested when I initiated sex, that after telling him how I felt, I told him I would stop initiating all together. His response was that I had never initiated sex in the entire relationship . When I pointed out that I had done, many, many times and been rejected, his reply was well you were obviously doing it wrong.
Never had any complaints before him. Knob.

[Evie2014]

We moved to another country and city because he was transferred. I gave up my job and it took me a couple of months to find work in the new city, during which time I lived off my savings and paid half of everything. He told me I should be paying more of the electricity bill than him because I was at home all day using the heating whereas he was in a warm office anyway.

He also banned Heat magazine from the house because he said I would be "ogling" the men with naked torsos.

The contrast between my miserable life then and my delightful life now is mind boggling. That's why I get frustrated on here with women who won't leave. If they only knew how radically different and better life could be without One Of Those.

[GinUtero]

Ex never had any food in when I went to stay at his house. He wouldn't eat all day and was too lazy / didn't know how to cook, so just used to order curry every night. I asked if he could get some breakfast stuff in, which I'd be happy to contribute towards. He grumbled and eventually agreed.

Next time I can round he presented me with breakfast in bed - two penguin bars and some ready salted crisps on a plate arranged around a fancily folded serviette. At first I thought it was winding me up. When I explained that wasn't really what I had in mind for breakfast he went ballistic and stormed off, saying he'd gone to so much effort for me and I was being an ungrateful bitch!

[adrieneswall]

At our wedding ex h refused to smile at me as "getting married is a serious occasion" twat

He was out all weekend every weekend playing sports and objected to me spending money to take our children out.

When he met my now (non-twatish) husband the ex said "we'll I have had 17 good years out her, it's your turn now" like I was an old car.

[CaptainHindsight]

Imagine the scene...

Its January, its very cold with snow on the ground and your GF is 8 months pregnant. You are due to go into town to purchase some last minute things for the baby.

P - What are you doing?
Me - I'm putting my coat on?
P- Dont you dare! You don't look pregnant with your coat on. You look fat and everyone knows I do not date fat girls.
Me - Riiight. Well its cold so Im putting my coat on.
P- Don't you fucking dare embarrass me you fat fuck.
Me - I thought it was the coat that made me fat?
P- Fuck you you fat fuck.
Me- No dear, fuck you. I will contact you once the baby is born for contact and maintenance arrangements. You are a complete idiot.

From that moment on he was XP.

I continually thank the deity of conception for giving DS my brains.

[GinUtero]

Same ex got mad at me because I didn't appreciate my Christmas present of bath salts - he knew full well I didn't have a bath.

Then there was my birthday, when I ended up paying for an organising a break in Cornwall for us, because he was apparently too skint and definitely too lazy to organise anything himself. We ended up missing our pre-booked train because he took so long straightening his hair, which meant I had to fork out a fortune for more tickets and then he wouldn't even let me sit next to the window to look at the view of the sea, even though it was my birthday. I got no present, he didn't want to leave the cottage once because he hated the outdoors, and then one night when I finally coaxed him out to the pub he got so drunk that he dropped his wallet. A receipt fell out for £900 he'd spent on a mountain bike - the same bike he'd told me cost £200 - so much for being skint! When I quizzed him about it he went crazy at me, telling me I sounded like his mother, and that so wasn't sexy. He then went and promptly did a face plant in the middle of the street!!!

SO glad to be shot of him. Incidentally, I had a good gossip with the woman he dated after me, and her stories were just as horrendous - puts paid to his claim that his behaviour was down to me being unreasonable!

[FanFuckingTastic]

Mine wrapped up a webcam I'd bought myself for Skyping with the children, and hadn't gotten around to opening yet and gave it to me as a Christmas present from him. Totally didn't know what to say, having something I'd bought regifted to me weeks later. Left a few days later, as I'd been planning to for a while anyway, but that gift really made me think about his behaviour and made it feel more like the right thing to do.

[emmelinelucas]

I once tried to appeal to my EXH, because even though someone is an absoulute shit, they surely must have some atom of compassion in there somewhere, right?
In nutshell
Me " I don't want to go to that engagement party because the BIL who molested me from age 6 (after my dad died) and has constantly tried to assault/rape me since will be there"

Him- "well, you must have deserved it"

I was shocked whe he died, because I found him. Not Sorry.

Even his parents said at his funeral "at least he can't hurt anyone again"

[buttonortwo]

Some of these are beyond belief. I laughed out loud at the penguins/ crisp breakfast and the comment about the old car nearly spat my coffee out...

[GinUtero]

Loads are memories are coming back to me now...

Another ex this time…I hadn't had any kind of holiday for 2 years as I was constantly working. Organised a supposedly romantic break to Loch Lomond, which I was really looking forward to. I wanted to stay in a nice hotel, but he insisted we go camping, to save money. One the first day, thanks to being camped literally on the edge of the Loch, he got bitten by a load of midges, whereas I didn't get bitten once. He got so mad at me about this, he took it out on me all week.

One day he decided we should go for a drive around the Loch, which surprised me as he'd whined all the way up to Scotland that he was bloody sick of driving. We stopped for a food at an inn just at the north of the Loch and by the time we left it was pitch black.

As he started driving, I was sure that we were travelling away from the Loch, but he insisted the satnav was telling him otherwise. I tried to explain to him that the satnav wasn't actually working, it was merely following him, but he screamed “SHUT THE FUCK UP” louder and with more aggression than anyone has ever screamed at me before in my life. He then forbade me to speak and so went on, tense, into the dark for a further half an hour. It was only when he’d travelled 20 miles on winding country roads in the wrong direction and almost reached Fort William that he finally realised he was wrong. Even then, he didn’t apologise for shouting at me, instead he had another go at me, saying that I was being smug because I was right. I said I had only been trying to help him and save him the extra miles when he was exhausted. The prospect of a long drive home had him even crankier, which of course he took out on me all the way back.

When we finally returned to the campsite, the tent was waterlogged from torrential rain and my side was soaking. I tried to sleep but he insisted keeping the light on whilst he drank a whole bottle of wine and chomped on anchovies inches away from my face, despite moaning constantly on the journey back that he was falling asleep!

I kept a diary back then, and counted that he'd broken up and got back together with me 17 times that month - the month in which he also proposed to me!! Later he snooped through my diary and blew his top that I could write such horrendous things about him! It was, in fact no more than a factual account of all the things he did - I don't think he quite grasped the irony…

The relationship eventually ended when I found out he had a dating profile on Gaydar.

I look back now and wonder what the hell I was thinking!!!

[CurtWild]

Text from stbxh when we initially separated:
Him - We could've stayed friends if you weren't such a fucking cunty bitch
Me - Not if that's how you refer to your friends we couldn't!

This was also how he'd begun referring to me in front of our DC, so not only one of the reasons we can't be friends but also one of the reasons we can't be man and wife anymore!