Why do Women assume the responsibility for cleaning?

[KarenLilacJames]

It seems to me that the majority of women in heterosexual relationships assume the responsibility for cleaning and washing. This has certainly been the case in my relationships. I have just come across this national survey, completing it made me realise how bad it is for me anyway. Have a look and find out #howdirtyisyourpartner

[Message edited by MNHQ because it is spammy spam but we thought the discussion was interesting so don't want to delete the thread]

My OH likes cleaning. I don't.

Because I enjoy it and DH doesn't/is crap at it

My XH was brilliant at sharing the housework, cooking and child-rearing. In fact he did more cooking than me as he was a fantastic cook and enjoyed it. I've only come to realise that cleaning/cooking/childrearing is seen as womens work since joining Mumsnet, and I'm pretty horrified to be honest.

I would say 'more fool you guys' choosing to do it, but I feel like you're spoiling it for the rest of us who don't want to be skivvying after a man. I worry that if I met somebody new they would expect me to do it all .

How the hell can one be crap at cleaning? My 9 year old can use a hoover!

my wife is a woman
I hope so.

Some people are more bothered by mess than others.

Hmm various reasons I think. I like a nice, clean, tidy house. My DH is actually very tidy. He hasn't a clue about cleaning, ie, marks on bannisters, door plates, changing bed linen washing. Not because he is a man but because his mother was a dirty cow who changed the bed linen once a term and who was certainly not a cook or a home-maker.

My mother was totally neurotic about cleanliness and domestic perfection in spite of having a career. She would happily wash down paintwork from 8pm to 10.30pm rather than sit down and relax - she actually thought visitors would care.

I was single until I was 30. I hate cleaning and housework with a vengeance so I paid someone else to do it. When I got married an elderly (well at the time probably about 56) aunt made a cat's bum face and said "I hope you won't be keeping that cleaner now you are married". Umm I said "well, I've paid someone to do it whilst I have been single so that won't be stopping now there will be two of us living in the same house".

She was truly shocked. DH never had a problem with me sub-contracting, not even when I was a SAHM for 8 years.

If I could find a male cleaner I'd happily pay one.

Having said all that I am in charge of the house though. But only because I'm home at least three hours earlier than DH and he leaves an hour and a half before I do in the morning.

Because they care more.

"because they care more"

in many cases, they are made to care more

I don't. Dh does all the cleaning. I cook though.

do they?

we share this and the kids help.

Not in our house, we all do our fair share, even the kids.
I am a sahm but dh and dc see it as much their responsibility as mine.

Some women enjoy running a household and domestics and see it as their control/power. How is this a bad thing if they are happy?

Some women don't enjoy it, feel over looked and unappreciated, get no support and have to do the lot.
I feel sorry for them, but also say its up to them to change the situation.

"because they care more"

in many cases, they are made to care more

Maybe, I dunno. I wasn't really saying anything about where that difference in caring does or doesn't originate from; just it exists.

Who do you believe "makes" them care more, and how?

Exdp was just a lazy git who didn't care about the house, gardening or anything to do with either.

I did it all as I didn't want to live in a shit hole!

see many comments above - a huge amount is social expectations

Recent email conversation between myself and a new male friend:

Me: I've been severely procrastinating today. I even cleaned the oven. It looks beautiful now, mind.

Him: Well done. I can't even remember the last time [wife's name] cleaned the oven. Ours is disgusting.

Me: You could always do the cleaning yourself you know...

Him: Oh God, you're not one of those feminists are you?!

Cue, next time we were in the same room together and someone said something twatish, I pulled him up on it and this 'friend' said, "Ooh be careful, you need to watch yourself around FG, she's a feminist." I ended up 'arguing' with 3 men whilst their wives sat round and didn't challenge a single misogynistic word they said.

Needless to say, he is no longer someone I would consider a friend. He complains about his wife constantly. The poor woman

Who do you believe "makes" them care more, and how?

Prevailing discourses of women as nurturing homemakers and men as, well, not.

All the language in our society sets us up to be this way, we are oblivious to a lot of it because it's just so deeply ingrained.

So there are the obvious ones where in advertising where women are usually shown doing the housework - in control, on top of things - look, this woman has kids, a dog and immaculate cream carpets... this woman is doing all this washing up from just one bottle... this woman is getting her laundry spotlessly clean... when men are shown it's either to show just how powerful a product is (e.g. Barry Scott shouting his way through a Cilit Bang advert) or how simple and yet effective it is that even a man could do it (e.g. Mr Muscle)

My children learned how to use the washing machine when they were younger. They might have needed help physically, but they knew what to do.

If a 3 year old can use the washing machine then I fail to see how a grown man can't. But my mother is one of those who would have you believe they can't.

If I recall correctly, it makes her feel superior to a man if she has to do all the housework, in that "look at him, he works hard, for long hours etc... but he still needs me to wash and iron his clothes. And he can't see the mess, bless him. And no I can't come out for dinner with you this evening, because how on earth would he eat tonight if I did..." Really?! I've heard all of them over the years!

It's her way of feeling she's got one over on them, you know whilst she's running herself ragged doing all the housework whilst he's watching the football, or the racing, or is down the bookies... (oh yes, she picks all the best men...)

I decided as one of two adults in the house I would not be responsible for house work so I sat down with DH and made sure I was responsible for equally sharing put jobs.

I really think for some women it is part of a control and perfectionism. My older sister DH does no thinking in the house, no childcare for their 2 children despite working working less hours than her. I did learn from her example and picked a man who believes a true man does not leave all the work to his wife.

Its never happened to me and Im definitely not responsible for everything in our place.

Reasons:

I have the better career

Now nearing my 3rd maternity but dh shared our first one and this one he will be a sahd so never got in to bad habits

wasnt the way I was brought up. eg my dad did 80% of the cooking etc and my mum always had a higher paying job.

Im not that kind of personality to be submissive to anyone and quite a strong character.

I think its a combination of all those things, and we are bringing up the dds to be equally as strong as me and my mother and take no shit

Interesting how even those of us that don't do all the cleaning now, still have ingrained ideas (me included I'm sure). Quote from above illustrates we blame our DH's MOTHER for their ability/inability to clean (why not their useless Dad)...
"Not because he is a man but because his mother was a dirty cow who changed the bed linen once a term and who was certainly not a cook or a home-maker"

Maybe his Dad was a "dirty cow"?

I hate housework - it's relentless, boring, and doesnt pay -- and was brought up by a mother who hated housework too but had somehow married my Dad who is useless domestically. I spent years listening to her warning us not to marry a man like our (lovely despite his inability to cook/clean) Dad.
So not surprisingly my DH is much better domestically than me and I leave him to it but I also try and do 50:50 so I'm not taking advantage.
My mum visits and nods and smiles approvingly when he serve up yet another delicious roast, my Dad takes the piss out of DH (in a friendly way i hasten to add) but he ends up sounding like a dinosaur as he sounds so outdated.

sorry- bringing up a zombie thread but thought topic so interesting. Am struggling as DH- who is SAH-just seems to have lower threshold for cleanliness (if that is even a thing) than I do. I literally can walk through the house and see loads of cleaning that needs doing, but he just doesn't bother other than washing up and putting laundry on/ironing. is starting to become a big stress point for me- as I inevitably end up doing it/nagging him/or it doesn't get done. anyone have an experience of getting their partners to up their cleaning game?

I don't assume responsibility for cleaning and am female.

I guess I am asking less about gender stereotypes than help with my specific situation chchch.....am going to lose it with him very soon