Why do Women assume the responsibility for cleaning?

[KarenLilacJames]

It seems to me that the majority of women in heterosexual relationships assume the responsibility for cleaning and washing. This has certainly been the case in my relationships. I have just come across this national survey, completing it made me realise how bad it is for me anyway. Have a look and find out #howdirtyisyourpartner

[Message edited by MNHQ because it is spammy spam but we thought the discussion was interesting so don't want to delete the thread]

TooOld good spot. Googling KarenLilacJames brings up someone who works in marketing and PR.

I didn't bother with the link but thought it was an interesting topic.

I assume responsbility for things that need doing. And when no-one else does them they need doing. I would be most happy to sign off on that responsibility but sadly I never seem to be able to.

I have no desire to live in sterile perfection. Whcih is good because it would never happen. I simply prefer to live in a home where the walls are the colour they were originally painted, carpets can ne glimpsed beneath piles of crap, empty plates don't develop new sentient life forms under beds and there are sometimes clean glasses to drink from.

And I marginally prefer doing housework to living in shit.

I blame myself, actually.

DH does lots of cleaning, tidying up, etc - as does DS1 (I trained him well ). And they probably do it perfectly well. But they don't do it exactly as I do, so I go around after them, tweaking and shifting things slightly, making more work for myself for no good reason really.

My blow for feminism is NOT teaching my DD to clean. So when and if she moves in with another person she won't see the dirt just like her dad. Life will be easier for her.

Before we lived together my husband would wash up once a week. He never cleaned and it actually took me a week to clear out the living room when I moved in before I was able to walk from one end of the room to the other. He is a hoarder and would have happily lived between piles of "stuff" forever. I am not prepared to do so. He will do tasks but he has to be told. He can't "see" what needs doing. There has been some improvement - his office is "his" space and he now finds that he gets stressed out and cannot work once it gets to the point where you can't walk across the room. That's actually progress.

My blow for feminism is getting my DC (one of each) to recognise that houses don't run themselves and that everyone has to pitch in equally as part of a team effort. I am also fond of saying, "No one ever said on their death bed that they wish they'd done more cleaning*." It needs to be done to a certain standard and not beyond. As long as a home is comfortable and welcoming, and there are clean clothes and clean plates, that's good enough.

*Unless lack of cleanliness killed them I suppose.

Ormirian I think that' brilliant and my mother did the same - worked for me!

I know I'm not allowed to say it but in most cases it's because women care more about the state of the place they live in.

A friend decided to stop for a week. Didn't lift a finger, dishes piled up in the sink, no laundry was done etc. Her Dh didn't notice or care but living like that made her very unhappy.

Ormiran, I think she will see it though and it will make her unhappy. My blow for feminism is making sure by DSs can run a house though.

Wish my mum had cigar!

is the OP spamming? i don't want to click on the link

i think that in general men aren't socialised to take dirt/untidiness personally iyswim. women know that many people will judge them personally for the dirt/mess in their house, regardless of who else they live with and who made it

i am very aware that in general if someone came to my house and it was untidy and/or dirty i would be judged far more than DP. if i go away for a few days and the place were to get dirty/untidy the reason would be because i had gone away, not because DP hadn't cleared up after himself

DP doesn't see it that way (which is why he is not an XP), but there are many many people who will

also, dp clears up after himself, so it's a moot point for us specifically

I've reported this as spam.

Interesting thread topic, definitely, but it would have been nice to start it as a discussion rather than plugging a business page.

Dh cleans and cooks and looks after dc as they grew
I also clean cook and look after dc
We have both always worked and sometimes long hours
We both work sometimes late shifts so it really doesn't matter wether your male or female it's always been whoever gets there first ... Both my dds now late teens have seen how equal it has always been.

Hello

Thanks for the reports about the OP: it was indeed spam but we think the thread is interesting, so we have edited the OP and removed the second spammy post.

ormirian i read your comment as

'i wish my mum had A cigar'!

Good decision HQ! :) (Now to actually read thread and respond )

thanks rowan

My DH is ex army so can and will do his share. More so at the moment because he is not working, he is doing pretty much everything. It is not quite up to my standards but it is good enough.

Interestingly, my exH and his twin (fraternal, not identical) were poles apart on house work.
He'd actually do cleaning and cooking and could iron his own clothes. Although he turned into a slob and a twat, I was quite happy with him in this respect in the beginning of the relationship.
His brother expected the women to do the housework essentially.

So, not sure what the reasons for the differences are. I can't exactly blame the mother there, can I? Although it was almost impossible to get the men to do anything when we visited them. And even exH did a good impression of someone who didn't do housework.

individual personalities aside, one of the reasons my dp pulls his weight without fuss is because his father does the same, not because of what his mother might have taught him

DB was the laziest teenager alive. He drove my mother to distraction, never lifted a finger, complained all the time. He went to uni and then came home jobless and basically sulked for a year. Finally got a job, moved to the other end of the country, bought his own home and as if by magic!!! A fully-fledged capable and independent human being was formed. A bleeding miracle. But it didin't happen at home when he had mum to do things for him, it didn't happen at university when he was sharing with 2 other slobs and none of them gave a toss about the flat, but when he was paying the mortgage and he has some stake in the place all of a sudden he cared.

Stood him in good stead as SIL has ME and often can't do much.

When DH moved in with me, people would look at me and comment if the house was messy. So I cleaned. Peer pressure.

One day I snapped and challenged him: I work longer hours than him so was driving myself mad. He was so mortified and immediately started to help out. Conversely, he had just never had it queried (i.e. reverse peer pressure).

One of my friends did say in the pub "[snort with laughter] Mr Squizita... no no listen to this... Mr Squizita ... does all the hoovering!! [guffaws]" but she reads the daily express and is 34 going on retired-major-of-64 in her outlook.

I have no idea.

I think it depends a great deal on background.

My mother always worked, we always had a cleaner, I had an academic education with a view to a career, being a SAHM never appealed. I've never seen cleaning as anything other than a) something divided equally between partners and b) what I pay a cleaner to do. The only time I did my own cleaning was at uni.

I'm horrified by the number of women who are basically skivvies in their marriages, who see cleaning and childcare as solely their responsibility. It would be understandable perhaps if these women were all SAHMs, but there are many women working the same hours as their partners and still doing the majority of the housework.

For this and so many other reasons I think feminism should be taught in schools.

I'm a man, my wife is a woman
We both see dirt and things left untidy but sometimes we think 'F**k it' we would just rather spend time together.

Of course that means a joint housework blitz the following day lol