Wwyd Mil distraught by my behaviour

[Ginnytonic82]

Sorry this is very long, but I'm in a bit of a difficult situation and could really use some objective advice to help me move forward.

Mil and I have always got on ok, not best buddies and she's said/done somethings I don't agree with. However, she is my DH's mum and I respect that. I am very close to my mum, Dh isn't as close to mil but all families have their own dynamic.

When we had our first Dc 4 months ago, both my mum and mil were over the moon as it is their first gc. I suffer from pnd and both my mum and mil offered great support and helped so much with dc. We tried to make sure my mum and mil saw dc equally (mil is very concerned that she is equal to my mum in dc's eyes). My mum is retired and mil still works, so we made sure that every weekend she saw dc.

Three weeks ago my sister very kindly treated me to a spa day. It was on a Saturday and meant I'd be gone between 10am and 4pm. Dh was happy to look after dc, bit we have a very bouncy labrador that would need a walk during that time. I suggested we ask mil to come over and look after dc while Dh walked the dog, as she would usually see dc at weekend anyway. She was really happy we had asked her.

On the Saturday she turned up at our house at 11am. Dh took the dog out at 12 and said he'd be about 2 hours. When he came back mil and dc had gone. He text and rang but she didn't answer for over an hour, when she sent him a message saying she had dc and would be back soon.

When I arrived home at 4, she still hadn't arrived. Dh had tried to contact her again, and had she had replied saying she had gone to a nearby town with dc shopping and would be half an hour. Two hours later she still hadn't arrived. I told Dh she was taking the piss and I was getting annoyed as she had taken him without our consent. Dh said that he could see where I was coming from, but felt mil had just got over excited and carried away and that as long as dc was safe we should just enjoy the extra time together. I explained that I missed dc and as it was 6pm I really felt he should be home as we start his bedtime routine at 6.30.

By 6.45 she still hadn't brought dc back, so I text this, "Hi Mil, thanks for taking care of baby tonic today. I was just wondering if you were on your way with him as I have missed him so much. Hope he's been good for you x" I didn't tell my husband I sent the text as it didn't seem important. Finally mil brought dc back at 7. All was pleasant and I thanked her.

The next day she saw my Dh whilst he was walking the dog, stopped him in the street and told him I had really upset her yesterday by texting her. She showed him the message and said I would never have sent that to my mum. Dh came home and spoke to me about it and I'm afraid I got my back up and was annoyed as I had done my best to be polite, and would have text anyone - even Dh if I felt dc should have been at home. I said if she was upset I would call her and explain as we are both adults. Mil would not answer the phone to me.

Now mil will not speak to me at all. She has not seen dc, or even called or text Dh to see how he is for 3 weeks. She says she is distraught by my selfish behaviour. I don't feel I have been selfish. I know I went to the spa but that was my first day out since having dc. Was I selfish to go? I am quite stubborn and really feel she needs to grow up, but should I make the first move? Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend but I really don't want too as I've lost some trust in her.

Please help me move forward with this and do be honest if you feel I'm being selfish or have acted unfairly. Thank you for reading this enormous post.

50shadesofknackered - Of course it isn't entirely his decision but he knows his mother best and his issues with her need to be sorted out before they move forward. I don't think this has anything to do with the length of time she went out for - my question is why would you have left your baby with someone with this woman's history at all?

They can't have it both ways, and he is best placed to work out what the risks are as he is his mother's son. If she gets too involved in that decision making process it will cause more problems and the situation my never be resolved. If he comes to the decision himself they will know where they stand and his mother will have to accept it.

It's her not you. She sounds nuts and you were very polite.

yanbu, you had no idea what was happening, how do you know she hadn't fallen under a bloody bus?

She was ignoring you on purpose, she set you up.

Dismiss her, let her sulk.

Horsetowater I agree that somebody with the mil history should not be given unsupervised access to the op's baby. However, the op's dh does not seem able to stand up to his mother or be able to see this situation clearly. In this case it is down to the op to protect her child and stand up to her mil, imo.

I'd let her sulk to. She sounds just as weird as my MIL (who once stayed over at our house, got DD ready and went out without telling us and then wouldn't answer the phone for hours!)

Let her say sorry to you. As many people say on these threads stick to your guns

Hello Tonic,

Golly, you are a saint!!!! I'd have unleashed holly Hell if ANYONE did that

I congratulate you on your manners and good nature. On the other hand I completely reprimand you mil (raging lunatic in my humble opinion) and berate your DH for being a kiss arse.

Moving forward from this situation as I'm afraid will have to happen because she's is dh's mum.
First thing is do is show DH this thread! He needs to realise his mummy doesn't piss glitter or shit rainbows and that you were more than reasonable.
Then I would write her a polite but firm letter, explain her disappearance with you dc was unacceptable, unnecessary and worrying for all of you.

Also explain that her reaction to your text was over the top and childish and that moving forward from this unfortunate episode, there will be ground rules, they are for you to decide obviously but I'd suggest as a start no unsupervised time spent with dc.

Also, try to manage her expectations, of course your mum will see for of dc if she's retired and making it all "equal" is ridiculous, what about other families that live closer to one than the other etc...........ridiculous. What does she expect you to do if your mum invites you out for the day in the week, say no because you won't be able to balance it out?
I'm also inclined to suggest that you don't subject you dc to the mil too much, she sounds positively toxic.

Anyway, much luck to you and yours and well done for being the much better person. You've taught me a thing or two.
Now seeing as it's your birthday go and have a few of these and Happy birthday!

get a baby sling - we had masses of walks in the country with a front sling from when they were tiny, and a back pack when they got bigger. A pram is just a pain on country walks.

Your text was way too polite! She deliberately kept your child away from you & caused you worry & stress on a day when you were supposed to be having a relaxing treat.

Personally I would not be making any effort to get in touch with her, she needs to apologise to you first.

She is ignoring contact because she wants you both grovelling to her, don't do it. Leave her to stew in the mess of making.

my question is why would you have left your baby with someone with this woman's history at all?

Considering the context of the thread and the OP's impressive reasonableness and restraint, that attempt to shift blame onto the OP is really quite low.

In the mess of her own making I meant to say.

But on a brighter note, Happy Birthday OP!

You've had some good advice on this thread. I'd consider showing it to your DH if he is not backing you up.

You have been entirely reasonable and polite to the point of being a doormat. I would have gone ballistic.

If she turns up later I would be pretty frosty and I certainly wouldn't be making any effort to spend time with her on a weekend until she offers an apology. You should both be making it very clear that her time with her gc is subject to her making the gc's welfare a priority.

And yes, get a sling. Better still, get the dog walker to take the empty pram out during the week and train the dog.

She is beyond fortunate that you didn't call the police. You would be very foolish to every let her have unsupervised contact again and this is all something she chose to cause.

Her going off with your pfb wasn't an accident, it was a concious decision she made, either to punish you or show you she has power. You can take that power back from her by not trusting her in such a way again.

And happy birthday

Many thanks to all of you for replying. Horse you are of course, welcome to your opinion, if you feel I was remiss to have asked mil, you can only form your opinion from the information you have to hand. I'm not sure your replies are entirely helpful though, perhaps it's a case of miscommunication between us? It seems you are enjoying criticising me, I hope that's the case and you are feeling suitably superior.

I try my hardest to be a calm and pragmatic person. I am incredibly lucky to have been raised in a loving and stable family. My dad was a therapist and we've always had the attitude that a rose should embrace the thorn, as it were. I firmly believe that. But I'm in a catch 22 because for the first time in my life my instinct is to scream at mil (and to a degree Dh). Which goes against how I prefer to behave. In an ideal world I would like to explain to mil and ask why she is so upset. I would also (given plenty of time) like to continue helping my Dh and his mum have a better relationship, but I can't help but be totally pissed off and no longer trust her. So I'm in a mess!

X-post with everyone who thinks you reacted like a saint! My DS is 3 months and the thought of waiting for him to come home to me, not knowing where he was and when that would be makes my blood run cold. He's my PFB and I trust my MIL completely but if she did this a line would certainly have been crossed!

I agree with others that she needs to apologise and earn back your trust and your DH needs to stand up for you. You have been polite to a fault and have shown a level of restraint towards your MILs terrible behaviour that a great deal of new mummies would not have!

Also, thank you for the kind birthday wishes and advice re-slings. We are going to look at buying a new one today. We have a close caboo but Ds doesn't seem comfy in it any more - he's a very big boy!

Sé stole your baby.
Your DH needs to get on board of HIS new family.

No way in heaven would I let your MIL have unsupervised access, and to hell with her self proclaimed entitled 'rights' to have equal access as your mum, that's a load of bollocks!
Rights come with responsibilities, and trust is earned, not demanded. The trust is gone, and you aren't to blame for that! No apologising!
Your baby, you choose who she sees.

You and your DH need to thrash out some issues. Use "when X happens, I feel" statements rather than the "you never, I always" blame game to get a good resolution.

I hope you have a lovely birthday, and feel a lot better soon. Give your babe a snuggle from us all!!

I am always amazed at people who act as if they want people to treat them like Top Dog, but run rough shot over anyone else's feelings and wants.

Do not back down - however it is resolved. I hoe the your FIL can be the voice of reason that she listens to. I wonder if he knows about the history of the family?

If you dad was a therapist, can you ask him what the best approach may be?

But why are you suppressing your natural and highly understandable feelings of rage?

It is a primal instinct to fly into a rage if someone deprives you of your tiny baby!

I mean, how very dare she?? I am raging on your behalf.

Sometimes it is healthier to let people see how angry we are. You can't calmly negotiate your way through everything, and certainly not with people who have no normal boundaries.

If the MIL does turn up, be on your toes in case of ambush. She might arrive with the attitude of "well, I've turned up, I'm now entitled to resume unsupervised access" and put you on the spot by bluntly stating that that's what she wants.

Perhaps a prepared response of "I think it will suit us better if you visit GC here while at least one of us present" and if you get any nonsense refer to the confusion recently caused and how it would be best for everyone to avoid that happening again.

" My dad was a therapist and we've always had the attitude that a rose should embrace the thorn, as it were. I firmly believe that. But I'm in a catch 22 because for the first time in my life my instinct is to scream at mil (and to a degree Dh). Which goes against how I prefer to behave. In an ideal world I would like to explain to mil and ask why she is so upset. "

The problem is she doesn't sound like a normal/stable person. Did your father deal with the worried well or with really psychologically disturbed people? Your MIL has real issues! Her behaviour to your DH shows this. Your DH needs to confront his past and could do with counselling himself, and there is no better time than after the birth of your first child.

Your MIL is probably broken from way back and/or has a personality disorder.

Embracing the thorns is not a suitable strategy for such people (it is of limited use in everyday life anyways IMHO.)

In your position I would have phoned the police - that would have been a proportionate response. Why did you under react so much?

In your position I would have phoned the police - that would have been a proportionate response. Why did you under react so much?

What is it with these kind of critical comments when the OP is clearly perfectly reasonable and looking to solve the problem?

I think I would have been in hysterics if I had come home and nobody knew where my baby was, especially my pfb.

I don't know have much to add to the actual WWYD? but have you considered walking the dog with baby in a sling? If you have a sling library near you it might be worth popping in and trying one or two, I have a small 6 month old and use a stretchy wrap still (wouldn't work with a larger baby). One of my favourite things is long walks with baby in sling, enjoying the fresh air.

IF she pitches up I would just calmly say that you have decided to 'have all visits in the house whilst you are there at present'.

Don't discuss what happened - she will lie / minimise / make it your fault etc. Don't discuss arrangements with your mum. Don't discuss what might happen later when baby older.

Don't discuss at all.

Just smile and keep repeating 'all visits at home whilst I am there' like a broken record.

Yy to some counselling support for H (and you) to deal with the effect this woman has had on him (and will continue to have on all of you if you are not very careful).

Happy Birthday!