Wwyd Mil distraught by my behaviour

[Ginnytonic82]

Sorry this is very long, but I'm in a bit of a difficult situation and could really use some objective advice to help me move forward.

Mil and I have always got on ok, not best buddies and she's said/done somethings I don't agree with. However, she is my DH's mum and I respect that. I am very close to my mum, Dh isn't as close to mil but all families have their own dynamic.

When we had our first Dc 4 months ago, both my mum and mil were over the moon as it is their first gc. I suffer from pnd and both my mum and mil offered great support and helped so much with dc. We tried to make sure my mum and mil saw dc equally (mil is very concerned that she is equal to my mum in dc's eyes). My mum is retired and mil still works, so we made sure that every weekend she saw dc.

Three weeks ago my sister very kindly treated me to a spa day. It was on a Saturday and meant I'd be gone between 10am and 4pm. Dh was happy to look after dc, bit we have a very bouncy labrador that would need a walk during that time. I suggested we ask mil to come over and look after dc while Dh walked the dog, as she would usually see dc at weekend anyway. She was really happy we had asked her.

On the Saturday she turned up at our house at 11am. Dh took the dog out at 12 and said he'd be about 2 hours. When he came back mil and dc had gone. He text and rang but she didn't answer for over an hour, when she sent him a message saying she had dc and would be back soon.

When I arrived home at 4, she still hadn't arrived. Dh had tried to contact her again, and had she had replied saying she had gone to a nearby town with dc shopping and would be half an hour. Two hours later she still hadn't arrived. I told Dh she was taking the piss and I was getting annoyed as she had taken him without our consent. Dh said that he could see where I was coming from, but felt mil had just got over excited and carried away and that as long as dc was safe we should just enjoy the extra time together. I explained that I missed dc and as it was 6pm I really felt he should be home as we start his bedtime routine at 6.30.

By 6.45 she still hadn't brought dc back, so I text this, "Hi Mil, thanks for taking care of baby tonic today. I was just wondering if you were on your way with him as I have missed him so much. Hope he's been good for you x" I didn't tell my husband I sent the text as it didn't seem important. Finally mil brought dc back at 7. All was pleasant and I thanked her.

The next day she saw my Dh whilst he was walking the dog, stopped him in the street and told him I had really upset her yesterday by texting her. She showed him the message and said I would never have sent that to my mum. Dh came home and spoke to me about it and I'm afraid I got my back up and was annoyed as I had done my best to be polite, and would have text anyone - even Dh if I felt dc should have been at home. I said if she was upset I would call her and explain as we are both adults. Mil would not answer the phone to me.

Now mil will not speak to me at all. She has not seen dc, or even called or text Dh to see how he is for 3 weeks. She says she is distraught by my selfish behaviour. I don't feel I have been selfish. I know I went to the spa but that was my first day out since having dc. Was I selfish to go? I am quite stubborn and really feel she needs to grow up, but should I make the first move? Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend but I really don't want too as I've lost some trust in her.

Please help me move forward with this and do be honest if you feel I'm being selfish or have acted unfairly. Thank you for reading this enormous post.

Don't apologize op it will be me (sleep deprived!!)

I agree with the majority tbh, I can't imagine my mil doing this without either discussing it first or at least phoning to say what she was going to do. And your text was v polite!!

I'm sorry, she threw out her 16 year old son because her partner was abusing him?!

Your poor dh :(

I wouldn't let someone who sanctioned child abuse anywhere near my dcs. Your dh is minimising the damage that she has done to him, and trying to win her favour. He needs counselling to deal with this. Your baby needs to be kept safe.

If you want to maintain contact then please only let her have supervised access, and keep your dh safe from her too.

But as said, MIL could have gone on the walk.

Was she not interested in spending time with her son??

I'd be blazing

Sounds like my MIL (who I don't speak to any more, just saying!) who tried (luckily failed) to take my newborn DD away from me (without my consent or knowledge) on the grounds that she was not my property and was half hers.

Yep. Another loon.

What the hell did she think she was doing?! I think you've been remarkably polite so far!

I once angrily sent my DH after my fil to bring my newborn back......from the next room!

If she isn't speaking to either of you, enjoy the silence.

My DD has a great-aunt on DP's side who stopped speaking to us outright because I didn't send a thank-you card for a newborn present. (It is my cardinal sin, although it's his family; DP leaves all cards/human communication to me, even when I am a chair-bound feedbag on no sleep and no free time and the local Post Office queue always reaches the door.)

She stopped speaking to us outright and bitched about us to the rest of the family. I thought if you're willing to block us out over a piece of cardboard, you can't be that fond of us. She is a bit weird. I'm fine with the silence too.

Your text was wholly reasonable. Your MIL is not. I know I'm echoing what everyone else has said, but that's because I agree, and in times of uncertainty I know it helps to hear an infinite chorus of reason from other people. You are in the right, and I'm glad you describe yourself as stubborn. Good.

I feel very sad for what your H went through at 16, and can see that psychologically, he may wish to win her back. I hope reason can take over from the heart and show him that she isn't worth winning back. She isn't someone I'd want in my children's lives.

Hope she doesn't turn up later as a birthday surprise. Do you have to wait for them to appear, or can you make your own birthday plans that mean you'll be out? Maybe you could be in the next town, not answering your phone, when they're on the doorstep (sorry) :)

I do think saying how much you missed your DS is a bit over the top, TBH.

That aside, though, your text was polite and your concerns completely reasonable and she can get to fuck. So can your DH if he won't support you.

What a vile woman

No way would she be looking after my baby again!

If she wants to ignore you she's doing you a favour.

i would be livid if anyone took my kid for 7 hours, without telling me and then got arsey with me! bloody hell. she's being completely unreasonable and i'd be waiting for the apology phonecall. i also would not trust her again.

Having looked at the background more closely :) I see that there is probably a psychological issue that needs to be examined - that DH has major issues with his mother that need sorting out.

My guess is that she's riddled with guilt for ever letting her abusive husband beat her son, however the damage is done and she might be projecting that guilt by trying to 'make amends' now - to herself and to prove to her son that she can look after children. All of this has played out in the texts, in the upset, in the anger and unreasonable responses and stonewalling.

Whatever her motives, it would be very wise to iron things out and make sure you know exactly where you stand before using her as childcare again. Largely the decision is up to DH - it's his child and he needs to decide whether his mother is safe childcare or not. He also needs to accept what happened in the past by gaining a better understanding of his mother - only with a true understanding and acceptance of how she really is will he be able to make that decision. It might well mean that he won't let her have unsupervised contact again and if that is the case then at least he has made the decision himself and will feel confident to stick to it.

I feel sick at the thought of what she's done. Your baby is tiny and she let you worry like that? Awful woman.

Yanbu, I can't believe how calm you were. I would have gone ballistic and probably called the police. I'm afraid she would be lucky to see my dc again never mind look after them unsupervised. To be honest, she's obviously got issues and I think you have to ask yourself, if a woman can care so little about her own child that she lets him be beaten and throws him out on the street how much can she care about your child? She allowed her own son to be abused, why would she particularly care what happened to yours?

I've not got any experience of a toxic mother or mil, but your posts scream at me because of my very personality disorder ex.

The fact that she has made a point about equal ness to your mother, yet hasn't seen the child in 3 weeks, speaks volumes.

This isn't about her love for her grandchild at all. If it was, she wouldn't deliberately refuse to see him.

This is about her being top dog. Taking the baby out like that was a test to she if she is trusted and in her eyes equal to your DM, because she believes you would have let your DM do it without fuss.

Now she is staying away to give you time to cave in, and ergo give her the nod that she can decide what is right for her grandchild.

My ex fought for his equal time with his dd. He argued he should get exactly the same time as me, practically down to the hour/minute. He had to be told by the judge that the courts don't put his needs for equality over dd's best interests.

And It didn't matter if she had a wedding to go to, a party or even a holiday booked, if it fell on his weekend, it was tough, because it was HIS weekend. She is MY/HIS daughter.

Look out for words like this - mine, her, grandchild (not their name)

I literally have hundreds of texts with Dd being described as 'my daughter'. He very rarely used her name.

Don't make the 1st move, you will be setting a precedent, that will not be in your best interests in the long run.

You are all enmeshed in a very unhealthy dynamic and all dancing to the tune of a toxic, abusive woman. You appease her by seeing her weekly in case she sees the baby less than your mum - this is inappropriate control over your lives. Your DH is still stuck in rejected child mode desperately trying to win her affection - he won't be any help. He needs counselling and your mil needs boundaries. No unsupervised time for now, visits when it's convenient with you, not to her schedule if imaginary 'owed time' and you do not apologise.
Because she's used to being queen bee she won't respond well and your DH may be very unhappy for a while. This will rock the family if you stick to your guns and you will unfortunately be seen as the bad guy. You and DH might benefit from some systemic family therapy if your funds will stretch to it.

If/when MIL turns up later, send her away with a flea in her ear. She has forfeited the right to have contact with DC by taking the absolute piss and stealing your baby for seven hours.

My MIL wouldn't give DS back for a feed when he was tiny, it's meant that I am very wary of her as she disrespects my wishes. Nobody should have to physically snatch their baby off someone.

Happy Birthday OP and get DH to embrace his inner rage/showcase your inner lioness!

If I am reading your initial post correctly OP, your mil may have taken your baby out anytime after 12pm, (certainly by 2pmish when your dh arrived home) and didn't return with baby until 7pm?!!!

(despite a number of texts when she said she'd be back in 30 mins)

She is lucky you didn't call the Police, tbh.
Worse still, she 'rinsed out the bottle' and refilled and had a 'handful of nappies with her'. She was not thinking of your tiny baby's welfare here, was she?

Reading what I have about her kicking out her 16yr old child due to his protests about her husband beating him - she is clearly toxic.

You need your H on side with this though and that might be difficult due to his FOG re his own childhood.

I would NEVER give her the opportunity again, tbh.

My heart goes out to you!
I feel sick just thinking about it.

She would never in a million years get to look after my child unsupervised again, i would have lost all the trust. How dare she think she can take YOUR child away for 7 hours, with no contact. She is so lucky she isn't my MIL as i would of called the police, anything could of happened! Your head must of been all over the place.

You need to talk to your DH. Yoir child isn't a toy.

oh, and everything Eirikur says above, with bells on!
Happy Birthday to you too.. x

Really ? Horse to water

You would defer to your dh about what is best for his child, despite admitting that he has major issues with his mother that need sorting out?

If my dh, put appeasing his mother as top priority, then I'm afraid I wouldn't trust him to make the best decision here.

It might be his child, but it is her child too and in my opinion decisions about my children need to be agreed by both of us. I don't see my dp as the authority figure who needs to bowed down to, even if it is, his family.

As a previous poster has suggested OP your problem really is your DH re his relationship with his mother. It is very unhealthy to say the least and if this is not faced by him you will both have continuing issues with MIL and possibly each other. Could you suggest he has therapy/counselling? BACP could help or his GP.

I don't know anyone reasonable who would do this, even with an older child.

Horsetowater how is this mainly her husband's decision? How bizarre I'm afraid I wouldn't give a toss what my dh said, if anybody took my dc out without my permission, for hours on end, that would be that. Especially a woman who didn't really care about her own son. Children are not toys and the op's husband seems to have too many issues to see his mother and this situation clearly.

Apologies if I have missed anything but you were the most restrained person I have ever heard of.

After 1 phone call that she didn't answer my txt would have read

" you have 5 mins to get in touch and bring my baby back or I am phoning the police as you have kidnapped my child"

I would not have thanked get when she came back, I would have taken my baby, checked if she was fine, handed her to dh and asked him to leave the room, then went absolutely ballistic!

She would never have unsupervised contact for a very very long time, if ever to be honest.

But your dh does have to man up here and tell her she was wrong as well. He is also the problem here

Get a sling if you have to walk the dog.

You have the restraint of a saint!
I would have gone crazy, at that age DS had never been with anyone longer than 2 hours other than me or DH.
My mum once offered to have him while i napped as he wasn't sleeping at night. I napped for an hour and went back to get him to find they weren't home. I burst into tears and called them, they'd just nipped out to a cafe and were on their way back but i hated i hadn't know where he was. I had believed him to be at my mum's house. I told her that from then on, even if i was napping, she's to text me and ask me first otherwise she wouldn't be having him.

7 hours with no reply and not giving her an earful? I would have gone bat shit crazy and never ever allowed her alone with DS again.. Plus called the police while looking for them myself.

Everything "yellowsnow" said.