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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wwyd Mil distraught by my behaviour

180 replies

Ginnytonic82 · 18/03/2014 08:06

Sorry this is very long, but I'm in a bit of a difficult situation and could really use some objective advice to help me move forward.

Mil and I have always got on ok, not best buddies and she's said/done somethings I don't agree with. However, she is my DH's mum and I respect that. I am very close to my mum, Dh isn't as close to mil but all families have their own dynamic.

When we had our first Dc 4 months ago, both my mum and mil were over the moon as it is their first gc. I suffer from pnd and both my mum and mil offered great support and helped so much with dc. We tried to make sure my mum and mil saw dc equally (mil is very concerned that she is equal to my mum in dc's eyes). My mum is retired and mil still works, so we made sure that every weekend she saw dc.

Three weeks ago my sister very kindly treated me to a spa day. It was on a Saturday and meant I'd be gone between 10am and 4pm. Dh was happy to look after dc, bit we have a very bouncy labrador that would need a walk during that time. I suggested we ask mil to come over and look after dc while Dh walked the dog, as she would usually see dc at weekend anyway. She was really happy we had asked her.

On the Saturday she turned up at our house at 11am. Dh took the dog out at 12 and said he'd be about 2 hours. When he came back mil and dc had gone. He text and rang but she didn't answer for over an hour, when she sent him a message saying she had dc and would be back soon.

When I arrived home at 4, she still hadn't arrived. Dh had tried to contact her again, and had she had replied saying she had gone to a nearby town with dc shopping and would be half an hour. Two hours later she still hadn't arrived. I told Dh she was taking the piss and I was getting annoyed as she had taken him without our consent. Dh said that he could see where I was coming from, but felt mil had just got over excited and carried away and that as long as dc was safe we should just enjoy the extra time together. I explained that I missed dc and as it was 6pm I really felt he should be home as we start his bedtime routine at 6.30.

By 6.45 she still hadn't brought dc back, so I text this, "Hi Mil, thanks for taking care of baby tonic today. I was just wondering if you were on your way with him as I have missed him so much. Hope he's been good for you x" I didn't tell my husband I sent the text as it didn't seem important. Finally mil brought dc back at 7. All was pleasant and I thanked her.

The next day she saw my Dh whilst he was walking the dog, stopped him in the street and told him I had really upset her yesterday by texting her. She showed him the message and said I would never have sent that to my mum. Dh came home and spoke to me about it and I'm afraid I got my back up and was annoyed as I had done my best to be polite, and would have text anyone - even Dh if I felt dc should have been at home. I said if she was upset I would call her and explain as we are both adults. Mil would not answer the phone to me.

Now mil will not speak to me at all. She has not seen dc, or even called or text Dh to see how he is for 3 weeks. She says she is distraught by my selfish behaviour. I don't feel I have been selfish. I know I went to the spa but that was my first day out since having dc. Was I selfish to go? I am quite stubborn and really feel she needs to grow up, but should I make the first move? Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend but I really don't want too as I've lost some trust in her.

Please help me move forward with this and do be honest if you feel I'm being selfish or have acted unfairly. Thank you for reading this enormous post.

OP posts:

ChasedByBees · 18/03/2014 08:27

Good god, I would have gone nuts. Your text was very polite considering. She is absolutely in the wrong here and not only is she not apologising, she's trying to turn it round on you!

May09Bump · 18/03/2014 08:27

You have a young baby, just concentrate on yourself and your family. You have been really fair with access for both sets of parents. You should be angry at DC disappearing and MIL should be apologetic.

You are in the right and were not unpleasant in the text - do not run after her, you will set a precedence for the rest of your life. OH needs to be on the same page as you.

mameulah · 18/03/2014 08:28

I would not ever let her have unsupervised contact again.

I would continue to send cards etc and make efforts of looking like you are trying to keep in touch.

I would totally ignore and not respond to her tantrums.

I would keep communicating with my dh as to what he wanted to do in order to handle the situation her.

I would be absolutely furious.

You sound very lovely.

Logg1e · 18/03/2014 08:28

It would take me years to trust her with my child again. Or the bouncy Labrador. Or my food processor.

SuffolkNWhat · 18/03/2014 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

captainmummy · 18/03/2014 08:30

Ipswichwitch is right - she knows she did wrong, there is no gettting away from it. So she has cast about for someone else to pin some blame on - if you haden't sent the text, it would have been something else (you'd done). I suspect she'd have pinned some blame on the spa day (selfish/ she wanted to give GC some quality time because you were pampering yourself) etc.

SuffolkNWhat · 18/03/2014 08:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roussette · 18/03/2014 08:32

Whatever happens she will never be equal to your Mum and you need to tell her this. Daughters and Mums are closer than Daughter in laws and MILS.

I think it is a cheek her even imagining she will be on equal footing with your mum.

So your MIL took your 4 month old out from possiibly 12 noon until 7pm?? Did your DH have any idea at all she intended to do this? If not, that is totally unreasonable. If he does, he needs to tell you exactly what happened. Your text was very pleasant. Your DH should be telling his DM exactly how it is going to be from now on. You need to nip this in the bud as it will only get worse.

horsetowater · 18/03/2014 08:37

I think this is just teething problems. MIL needs to get used to the way that you do things and what your expectations are, likewise you are learning what she is capable of in terms of childcare and what her limits are.

I think you both had different expectations here - you were expecting her to provide 'childcare' and she was expecting to have a day out with her grandchildren. It would be more tactful next time to say 'take the kids out for the day' than it would be to say be here at x time and there at x time.

On top of that I think she may have thought she was doing you a favour and genuinely helping out - your texts to her might have made her feel disappointed that you thought she was incapable, that you were spurning her offer. You, on the other hand have sent narky texts about how you 'miss your baby' which is quite frankly OTT and not appropriate for the circumstances.

I'm sure this will get better, nobody is unhinged, this is a normal process in families and if you keep it calm now it won't escalate and turn into a big problem. You BOTH need to compromise and talk and hopefully you will be able to laugh about it in a few years time.

pommedeterre · 18/03/2014 08:40

She kept saying she'd be back soon and not appearing though horse!

You cannot do that with other peoples dc.

mameulah · 18/03/2014 08:40

It is more than fair enough that you and your dh lay down the law. And that you are seen to be doing this.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 18/03/2014 08:42

Rousette - why is it a cheek for a MIL to hope for the same relationship with her GC as the maternal grandmother?

gertiegusset · 18/03/2014 08:44

Rousette, do you have boys?
I hope so.

Cocolepew · 18/03/2014 08:47

I would have been livid that she wasnt answering her phone , either calls or texts.

If you back down on this she will just keep doing things like it, again and again.

TinyTear · 18/03/2014 08:48

You only sent a text... I would have told my DH to call the police

fortheloveofmike · 18/03/2014 08:49

Id of hit the bloody roof. My text wouldn't of been anywhere near as polite as that!!
She would not be having unsupervised visits from then on..

Lottiedoubtie · 18/03/2014 08:50

You, on the other hand have sent narky texts about how you 'miss your baby' which is quite frankly OTT and not appropriate for the circumstances.

What? Did you miss the part where the OP had NO IDEA where her 4 month old was? Had no idea that MIL would take the child out of the home. Had no idea that MIL would babysit for more than 2 hours?

If you mean it would have been more appropriate to text 'bring baby home NOW' and then call the police I'd agree with you....

Orangeisthenewbanana · 18/03/2014 08:51

If that is word for word the txt you sent, then you are definitely not in the wrong. Your MIL took your baby out for 6-7 hours without telling you or your DH where she was going, how long she would be or even that she was
going to do it at all!

Ignore her tantrums and let your DH deal with her. If she's that concerned about seeing your DC equally then I'm sure she'll start contact again soon. It would be a while before I'd let her have unsupervised contact again
though - and that is solely her fault for breaking your trust.

NigellasDealer · 18/03/2014 08:52

Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend
i would not be asking her to look after that baby unsupervised ever again, just how dare she? and tell your husband to 'grow a pair' as they say.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 18/03/2014 08:53

She was in the wrong, totally, without question.

I wouldn't be asking her to look after my child again anytime soon.

LavenderGreen14 · 18/03/2014 08:57

She is lucky you didn't call the police. Does your DH understand how wrong his mother was?

horsetowater · 18/03/2014 08:58

Perhaps I'm projecting here (I don't think I'm the only one though) but I would have loved MIL to take my baby for the day when I was in need of a day off.

Remember she's had DCs before, it's not as though she doesn't know what she's doing. I find the responses on here quite OTT - be careful OP that you don't get carried away with it because you could be ruining a potentially very important relationship based on these opinions, people that don't know you or your MIL or your DP or your baby.

I would say tread with caution and remember that you have the capability of managing this relationship to ensure a positive outcome.

Original poster

Ginnytonic82 · 18/03/2014 08:58

Thank you for your advice everyone.
oldwoman I guarantee I would have contacted my mum had she done this and I wouldn't have been so reserved! But I know my mum wouldn't do this. Nigellas sorry I wasn't very clear we did try to ring but she would not answer. Mil is 47 and loves her mobile she usually prefers text. Roussette mil has a daughter too so I don't get why she can't understand that I might be closer to my mum.

I do wish Dh would confront her. They have a very odd relationship, she kicked him out at 16 and didn't speak to him for six years, because he didn't get on with her then husband who used to beat him. He had always been desperate for a proper family and still fights to impress mil. I have no idea why.

OP posts:

Firsttimmemummy · 18/03/2014 09:00

:-0 YADNBU!! She took your 4 month old baby away without prior agreement for hours, was uncontactable and didn't return baby until after bedtime? I would have called the police if I couldn't get hold of her, she was lucky she got the (very polite) text. She needs to apologise and then work at regaining your trust. I'd have hit the roof!!

Hope you had a lovely day at the spa. xxx

Original poster

Ginnytonic82 · 18/03/2014 09:01

Orange that is word for word the text. I have shown it to Dh, my mum, my sister in law, my friends all say it's innocuous. But wanted some unbiased opinions as they (apart from Dh) think I should tell her to go to hell.

OP posts:

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