Wwyd Mil distraught by my behaviour

[Ginnytonic82]

Sorry this is very long, but I'm in a bit of a difficult situation and could really use some objective advice to help me move forward.

Mil and I have always got on ok, not best buddies and she's said/done somethings I don't agree with. However, she is my DH's mum and I respect that. I am very close to my mum, Dh isn't as close to mil but all families have their own dynamic.

When we had our first Dc 4 months ago, both my mum and mil were over the moon as it is their first gc. I suffer from pnd and both my mum and mil offered great support and helped so much with dc. We tried to make sure my mum and mil saw dc equally (mil is very concerned that she is equal to my mum in dc's eyes). My mum is retired and mil still works, so we made sure that every weekend she saw dc.

Three weeks ago my sister very kindly treated me to a spa day. It was on a Saturday and meant I'd be gone between 10am and 4pm. Dh was happy to look after dc, bit we have a very bouncy labrador that would need a walk during that time. I suggested we ask mil to come over and look after dc while Dh walked the dog, as she would usually see dc at weekend anyway. She was really happy we had asked her.

On the Saturday she turned up at our house at 11am. Dh took the dog out at 12 and said he'd be about 2 hours. When he came back mil and dc had gone. He text and rang but she didn't answer for over an hour, when she sent him a message saying she had dc and would be back soon.

When I arrived home at 4, she still hadn't arrived. Dh had tried to contact her again, and had she had replied saying she had gone to a nearby town with dc shopping and would be half an hour. Two hours later she still hadn't arrived. I told Dh she was taking the piss and I was getting annoyed as she had taken him without our consent. Dh said that he could see where I was coming from, but felt mil had just got over excited and carried away and that as long as dc was safe we should just enjoy the extra time together. I explained that I missed dc and as it was 6pm I really felt he should be home as we start his bedtime routine at 6.30.

By 6.45 she still hadn't brought dc back, so I text this, "Hi Mil, thanks for taking care of baby tonic today. I was just wondering if you were on your way with him as I have missed him so much. Hope he's been good for you x" I didn't tell my husband I sent the text as it didn't seem important. Finally mil brought dc back at 7. All was pleasant and I thanked her.

The next day she saw my Dh whilst he was walking the dog, stopped him in the street and told him I had really upset her yesterday by texting her. She showed him the message and said I would never have sent that to my mum. Dh came home and spoke to me about it and I'm afraid I got my back up and was annoyed as I had done my best to be polite, and would have text anyone - even Dh if I felt dc should have been at home. I said if she was upset I would call her and explain as we are both adults. Mil would not answer the phone to me.

Now mil will not speak to me at all. She has not seen dc, or even called or text Dh to see how he is for 3 weeks. She says she is distraught by my selfish behaviour. I don't feel I have been selfish. I know I went to the spa but that was my first day out since having dc. Was I selfish to go? I am quite stubborn and really feel she needs to grow up, but should I make the first move? Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend but I really don't want too as I've lost some trust in her.

Please help me move forward with this and do be honest if you feel I'm being selfish or have acted unfairly. Thank you for reading this enormous post.

Alibaba and Gertie, I have a strong bond with my DDs and I can't imagine them having the same bond with their MILs as I have with them. I am not talking about the bond between the GCs and the baby which will be totally equal. I am talking about the bond between mothers and their daughters, which I thought I said in my first sentence. I apologise if I have offended anyone

I get why you might be closer to your Mum but that doesn't mean your DC will not have an equal relationship with both sets of GPs.

"Dh thinks I should ask her to take care of dc at weekend but I really don't want too as I've lost some trust in her"

I think you have lost all trust in her to be honest particularly after this last stunt she pulled. That was about power and control. She's crossed a line here and you cannot let her cross that ever again with your children.

And this too from a man who is also not close to his own mother (not surprisingly if this is representative of her behaviour). He is weak and is acting weakly here. His primary loyalty after all is to you; he can still have a relationship with her if he wants but you and the children do not have to follow meekly. He seems almost afraid of his own mother and still wants her approval; approval she will never give btw to him or to you. She is nasty and has shown her true colours.

Notice too that she has not apologised nor taken any responsibility for her actions here. She will not do so either and will not do so. Instead she has cried foul on you sending her a text message!. You are dealing with someone who is patently unreasonable so I would keep you and your children well away from her from now on.

If she took him out for that long did she have nappies and milk ? If she had enough for that time, then she must have planned it for some odd reason.

I would have been bloody annoyed and wouldn't have been polite - and I would have expected DH to be annoyed to (even with his own mum). You don't just take a baby of a few months out at lunchtime and swan back in at 7pm - especially without leaving a message and not answering phones. If I had been DH I would have been very concerned what had happened to them both until she finally got in contact.

Why the hell would you take a few month old baby shopping in another town ?

Are you certain that dh did not know of her plans??

I bet he did...he asks her to babysit, she says "oooh babytonic and I can go shopping" Mr Tonic gets day to self, nice dog walk, and smartie points while the whole time his mother is taking care of the baby....

only she exceeded her remit by not appearing on cue (4pm) and got antsy when you texted as that was not the arrangement made with Mr Tonic.

Gertie I have just said that in my post!

I am not talking about the bond between the GCs and the baby which will be totally equal.
We are not disagreeing.

And as Ginny said... her MIL has her own DD and she can't understand why she doesn't understand that she might be closer to her own Mum than her.

Something could've happened to MIL and your child! You are absolutely not in the wrong on this and your DH needs to back you.

My DiL has no relationship with her Mum, very sad and not my place to interfere or comment.
She has not even seen her/our first GD.
We get on very well with DiL and have taken the baby out for a couple of hours and have babysat at our home, I don't get how your MiL managed for seven hours with a four month old, did she take bottles, nappies etc?
When you say things like not having an 'equal footing' you get people's backs up.

"I do wish Dh would confront her. They have a very odd relationship, she kicked him out at 16 and didn't speak to him for six years, because he didn't get on with her then husband who used to beat him. He had always been desperate for a proper family and still fights to impress mil. I have no idea why".

I can give you a possible answer to the above. He won't confront her because he is in what is known as FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to his mother. He is more afraid of her than anything else and perhaps feels that if he confronts she will cut him off completely.
She has previously thrown him out and she also had a violent H who beat her son. Where was she whilst all that was going on, did she put this man before her son?. It sounds like your H had a really abusive childhood and the effects of that are felt to this day.

No wonder therefore your H has been seeking a proper family unit for his own self because he's never really had a loving and decent family. He now has that however, with you and the children. This is what he should be really focusing on now; not his mother. He is still seeking her approval, that is why he is still wanting to impress his mother. Its approval that she will never give him though.

"Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward would further explain the dynamics he is caught up in.

I have 3 children & would quite frankly have left the 3rd one with the milkman to get 5 minutes peace but oh my god I would have been furious had my mum or mil done this. Not acceptable at all.

Horse thanks for your opinion that my text was narky. I had no idea that saying I missed my child was petulant. We we're explicit In the arrangement that she was to arrive at our house to mind the baby for two hours while Dh walked the dog. We did not sanction a 7 hour trip out.

Those asking about bottles, she made one at home and took a handful if nappies in her hand bag. She bought several ready made cartons and rinsed out the bottle. Which is also s

Something I'm not happy with.

Oh but reading the rest - she's toxic. You need to establish very strong boundaries wrt her. Would your dh entertain the idea of counselling? Poor chap probably has been left with a lot of baggage from her.

I wouldn't have reacted the way you did. I would've lost. my. shit. and called/texted/gone and found her and taken my baby back, letting her know exactly how worried/panicked/cross it made me. I imagine it was a big deal to leave them for half a day at all, let alone this.

However, unlike some, I would not assume she was mad or toxic just yet, just unthinking, oversensitive and carried away. I'd allow my first reaction to stand but wouldn't go all out about cutting contact etc. If allowed to get a word in, I'd probably say sorry that she's been upset, but gently but firmly explain that although you want her to be an important part of your pfb's life, you won't put her feelings above your own in matters such as these and that she must maintain your trust.

Trying to enforce 'fairness' between grandmothers the way you are is likely to have the opposite effect. Of course you are closer to you mother, most women are. I love my mil, but she's not my mum and there's nothing wrong with that. But there's no reason your children can't be equally close to both grandmothers, as long as neither of them pull stunts like this, and y'know, relax a bit and see each when you can (remembering time alone with just your little family is just as important).

Don't 'offer' her your pfb this weekend to pacify her. It might work, might not, but it'll set a precedent, and she needs to regain your trust. Talk to her and explain.

Good luck OP x

your text was not narky it was rather restrained in the circs.
so basically she planned it from the start?
she sounds like she wanted to play babies tbh.

Gertie I apologise. I worded it wrong. My post was slanted towards the relationship between mother and daughter not GC and GPs but it was clumsily put.

Fair enough.

Jeepers, so she's got form for nasty behaviour towards her son, and he's still desperately seeking her approval. For the sake of your DC, you will just have to make sure that they never have to spend time alone with her. I lost trust in FIL after he fed biscuits to my 4 month old DS when I left them alone for 30 minutes, and he never again had unsupervised access. I could not (and still would not) trust him as far as I can throw him.

I'm assuming she's toxic because she kicked her son out at 16 because he didn't like being beaten up by her partner. If that's not toxic parenting I'm not sure what is.

My mil did this with dd, but she had no phone, had told us she was going to the corner shop and disappeared for hours with my bf dd.

I was livid and have never really trusted her since.

If it had been my own mother I would have eaten her alive but I said nothing to keep the peace for Dps sake.

Thankfully my mil lives very far away and I don't have to see her much, I'm not sure i could have tolerated weekly contact after that.

You've done nothing wrong op, she has.

Is possibly more to this story? If not her behaviour/reaction is very odd indeed. It could also be that she was under the impression that she was to babysit for a longer length of time, rather than just going for a walk etc.

I'm sure you know that you have not been selfish or unreasonable in this situation. If she continues to give you the silent treatment I would probably leave her to it to be honest.

Doodleinquack that post is absolutely top notch especialy the second paragraph which says it all. Don't try to pacify your MIL. She should be apologising to the both of you.

To be honest I think she is lucky you didn't call the police. If my baby was missing and I couldn't contact them I would have done, I would have worried there could have been an accident or something. I would also be furious about the bottle thing. There is no way I would let her have unsupervised contact for a long time. The problem is she thinks what she did is perfectly acceptable so what could she do next-take the baby on a little weekend away without your permission.
As others have said I would have been cross at mil but actually if it had been my Mum I would have gone completely loopy!
My text to her would have been no where near as polite!

Ok, x-posted with your updates. I would still try to smooth it over now, for the sake of peace, but maybe be very explicit in your expectations, and more wary from now on. Your poor DH. Although, a chat to him so you can be united on these things would be helpful, he really should back you, this is his child too, and you have common sense on your side. Good luck