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Original poster

Disappointed DD isn't getting engaged; I'm being silly I know...

61 replies

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:27

I suppose many people won't understand, but anyway... DD is late twenties and has been with her lovely partner for two nearly two years, living together for six months or so. Not long after they got together she said they planned to marry, and that is still the plan. I had, stupidly, thought they would get engaged soon, but I am told there are no plans yet, maybe in another year. I am stupid to be disappointed, aren't I? I know, it's nothing to do with me and all that matters is that they are happy, but I had built up this idea in my head. Go on, put me straight...

OP posts:
NurseyWursey · 17/03/2014 19:32

Yes you're being silly, but you know that and you've already said it's nothing to do with you.

Why is it so important? As long as they're happy it really doesn't matter.

RightsaidFreud · 17/03/2014 19:32

You sound like my friends mom. Her and her boyfriend have been together since they were 16 and are now in their early 30s, and not engaged. They are both extremely happy with how their life is. Her mother however, isn't, and constantly drops hints to the point of embarrassment and it putting a bit of a wedge between mother and daughter.

pillowhogger · 17/03/2014 19:32

Yes! If my mother was putting this kind of pressure on me I'd be freaking out. Why are you so fixated on it? Isn't it more important that they do or don't do what is right for them? I hope your daughter doesn't know how you're feeling!

chloecorey · 17/03/2014 19:32

If it helps I'm 20, partner 24 and we have been together nearly 5 years and only just ha a child. We've only recently decided to get engaged but not planning on a wedding for a while.

Probably won't help but that's my experience Smile

MrsBennetsEldest · 17/03/2014 19:32

Strictly speaking I think the tradional way in these things is,

1, get engaged.
2, get married.
3, live happily ever after ( together).
4, have children after 2.

It's not the usual way anymore. I think getting engaged means very little nowadays.

paxtecum · 17/03/2014 19:32

Indigo, just be glad that your DD's DP is so lovely.

I watched my daughter marry a selfish, verbally abusive man - it wasn't good.

ginmakesitallok · 17/03/2014 19:33

Why do you want them to get engaged?

chloecorey · 17/03/2014 19:34

Also like mrsb said it doesn't mean a massive deal too us as we love each other very very much and i don't personally think it defines our love it just shows the extra commitment.

Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:36

Gosh no, I don't say anything! I just knew they were going to their special hotel for their anniversary, and I kind of hoped! They seem happy too and he is a lovely chap! I don't know why it matters. I'm ashamed to say I am envious when friend's daughters get engaged or married and I know that is WRONG, aargh!

OP posts:
RiverTam · 17/03/2014 19:37

I don't really see the point in being engaged - if you want to be married, get married. Just to put the wind up you - DH and I were together 10 years before we got married, and we never got engaged! (and we'd had DD in that time). Whereas I had done the whole trad thing in my mid-20s - engaged for a year, white wedding - and it lasted less than a year.

Priorites!

RightsaidFreud · 17/03/2014 19:37

Is it because you want your daughter to have a big white wedding? Would you be disappointed if they wanted to elope?

Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:39

paxtecum, so difficult, I feel for you. DDs previous partner was a manipulating arse and I was relieved when they broke up. DO I come across as controlling; I so don't want to but I feel sad about it.

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 17/03/2014 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwedishEdith · 17/03/2014 19:39

But they are engaged aren't they? If you plan to marry, you are engaged, surely?

Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:41

I would be disappointed if I didn't get to see them married because they eloped, but I am not greatly in favour of huge weddings; I suspect DD will want to go larger than I would choose, but it will be her choice. You are all being kind, I expected to be told to do one!

OP posts:
BadgersRetreat · 17/03/2014 19:42

2 yrs is quite soon for an engagement. Took DH and I 7 yrs before we got married.

Just relax - they'll get there in their own time i expect.

Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:43

Yes I get that they are engaged, but for folk of my generation it needed to be formalised.

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 17/03/2014 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:46

I suppose the friends of hers who are getting engaged/married are the ones who have stayed together since University, some for seven or eight years.

OP posts:
Original poster
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:48

I suppose the friends of hers who are getting engaged/married are the ones who have stayed together since University, some for seven or eight years.

OP posts:
MaryWestmacott · 17/03/2014 19:50

No, they aren't engaged if they haven't properly decided they are going to get married, it could be they've had a rough chat around it, but not actually asked and decided to get married.

In a lot of my parent's generation, they got engaged years before they actually started planning a wedding. Now it's far more normal to "get engaged" when one asks the other and then they start planning the wedding straight away.

Don't expect an engagement announcement until you think they are at the stage to get married, have they bought a house? Any plans for a big holiday? Probably other things they wanted to get sorted financially first before planning to get married.

Oh and from my friendship group, men started asking around 30, most brides were around 27-28. It does seem to all hit at the same time in a group, has she suddenly got a lot of weddings to go to? It tends to focus the mind once the first few start... Grin

SwedishEdith · 17/03/2014 19:51

How old are you OP? I suspect we're probably of the same generation anyway Grin And I've never understood the point of formal engagements

MaryWestmacott · 17/03/2014 19:51

X-post - yes, that's normal, the ones who've been together for a looong time are the first to get married.

If they've not lived together for a year yet, it's unlikely they will be getting engaged/planning a wedding soon - sorry! You've probably got at least another year to wait.

Roseandmabelshouse · 17/03/2014 19:55

Two years is nothing. I think she is being very sensible waiting longer.

Liara · 17/03/2014 19:55

When dh suggested we get engaged I told him to piss off - if he wanted to get married then we could, but no one gets to take out an option on me Grin.

I suspect I am closer to your generation than to your dd's...