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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disappointed DD isn't getting engaged; I'm being silly I know...

61 replies

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:27

I suppose many people won't understand, but anyway... DD is late twenties and has been with her lovely partner for two nearly two years, living together for six months or so. Not long after they got together she said they planned to marry, and that is still the plan. I had, stupidly, thought they would get engaged soon, but I am told there are no plans yet, maybe in another year. I am stupid to be disappointed, aren't I? I know, it's nothing to do with me and all that matters is that they are happy, but I had built up this idea in my head. Go on, put me straight...

OP posts:
indigo18 · 17/03/2014 19:55

Mary - I think that's how they see it; get engaged and marry within about a year. They have no hope of buying a house for a long time - live and work in London- but she knows that we would at least share the costs of a wedding. She does have a few weddings this summer, and has had a few for the past few summers.

OP posts:
tribpot · 17/03/2014 20:04

They've not even been together two years. I'm not sure what they would particularly be thinking about getting married for, until they start thinking about kids. How/where are they career-wise?

WhosRachel · 17/03/2014 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 17/03/2014 20:06

To be fair, indigo - I think the old way, whereby you got "engaged" to just formalise your relationship from 'boyfriend and girlfriend' to basically be 'partner' without any intention of actually arranging a wedding, seems silly in a society where it's much more acceptable to live together. (being 'engaged' seemed to be a requirement for living together for a lot of my parents generation, the generation after living in sin being not allowed, but not quite ready to move in with someone without some sort of formal recognition of the relationship).

They currently have 'sort of' plans to get married to each other, but if they get engaged, that means they are definately getting married.

Of all the married couples I know, the only ones who got engaged after living together for less than 18 months were already in their 30s, sorry, you've got a while to wait.

so stop looking for really great hats

eurochick · 17/03/2014 20:06

Give it time, OP. I met mr euro at 27. We got married when I was 34 (I would have been happy to get hitched a couple of years earlier, but he wasn't so I waited for him). We lived together for 18 months before got engaged (and then got married 7 months later).

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:08

DD working her way up in professional capacity- I don't want to be too precise as she knows I post on here. Partner earns less but good prospects. I have just read some heartbreaking posts on this forum and I know this is a non problem, but it helps to share and get other perspectives.

OP posts:
tiaramasu · 17/03/2014 20:08

Is it his commitment you wanted, hers, both or not that at all?

Northernlurker · 17/03/2014 20:11

I think that it's your dd's life not yours but you know that anyway and clearly care very much about her and her happiness. They may live together AND have children before planning a wedding or you may get the call next week. What matters is that she is in a loving and respectful relationship and I can see from your posts that you know that. It would be nice to plan help plan a wedding though wouldn't it? I've had the odd thought in that direction and my oldest is only 16 next month! It's part of our mum aspirations but we need to button it and know that it's in their time not ours and it may be never. Happy and healthy is what we're aiming for isn't it? Weddings are lovely but that's all just a bonus.

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:11

I think they are both committed; if I am honest I wanted him to produce a ring and do the deed (hides head in shame) :(

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WonderingHow · 17/03/2014 20:12

Well, I can sympathise a little, even though I haven't been in that position myself.

When your child is an adult you can't help wanting a lovely life for them, whatever that means to you. And when they find a partner you like, I can imagine wishing they would make it permanent, even though you KNOW you shouldn't, it's irrational, and so on. There is also the other side of it, ie friends with children marrying, and perhaps you feel envious and don't want yours to be left behind.

I don't think there is much you can do except say nothing, be happy whatever they do, and talk about it somewhere else, though.

I know someone who is very keen for her children to marry. I wish she'd chill a bit because the choices they have made are not going to be good, at least for one of them. But she's certainly showing a huge urge to see them married, regardless of how suited they are - so, very different from you in that regard.

However - I do think she is driven by what other people's children are doing, to some extent. A few weddings have been taking place.

It's not easy, but maybe you can just admit you feel this way (nothing wrong with feelings) - but also admit that it's not up to you what happens. Then do your utmost to look outwardly unconcerned, and turn your mind to fun and enjoyment in your own life.

tribpot · 17/03/2014 20:13

Not a problem at all to be oblique about your dd! It sounds like they are both on the way up, so may want to try and reach a certain level before thinking about 'settling down' - very sensible.

Btw one of my friends was engaged for literally 19 years Grin

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:14

Northern - you get me! I have to put it to the back of my mind. Now, about DS, who doesn't even have a steady girlfriend...

OP posts:
WonderingHow · 17/03/2014 20:16

Oh I think NorthernLurker has put it really well... part of mum aspirations, definitely. :-)

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:16

19 years!!!! Thank you all for being so nice.

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Auntimatter · 17/03/2014 20:18

Er, isn't he allowed to just be single. For ever if he wants?

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:19

DD reads me easily, so I will try to go with the flow; I would hate her to feel under pressure. I often wonder how my DM, who was desperate to be a grandma, kept her lip buttoned for the ten years she had to wait after we married, and never ONCE mentioned anything.

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indigo18 · 17/03/2014 20:21

Aunti - he may well be! I was joking.

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Snog · 17/03/2014 20:22

best not to get married as then you're guaranteed to avoid divorce!
I've been happily unmarried for 17 years and would recommend it!Grin

usualsuspectt · 17/03/2014 20:25

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Roseandmabelshouse · 17/03/2014 20:28

As long as they are talking about their future and have similar ideas you have nothing to worry about. Problems happen when couples don't think to discuss marriage and children early on in their relationship.

It's definitely an advantage to wait. It's still reasonably early days if they have beenoving together for just 6 months. Plus you would want an engagement to be a surprise, not a planned date!

60sname · 17/03/2014 20:39

A rule of thumb among the people I know (London and surrounds, late 20s at the time ) was three years or so, living together at least a year. Tbh of the ones who met at uni there was a swathe of break-ups as people neared 30.

Blu3 · 17/03/2014 21:49

I'm 30, been with my boyfriend for 2yrs and have been living together for just over 6mths and we are no where near getting engaged, let alone married.

My mother calls and talks about when we'll get married and its starting to push me away from her. My aunt did the same to my cousin and my cousin and her now husband ended up getting married in Vegas (alone) to annoy the family.

My boyfriend and I are trying to buy a house and it takes years of saving, then maybe we'll think of a wedding.

Be patient with them.

Auntimatter · 17/03/2014 22:08

indigo - thing is, were you joking? There's massive pressure on single people to conform and couple up. Not just because it's what their mums want - but that's definitely a source. That and pretty much the entirety of society.

indigo18 · 17/03/2014 22:24

Auntie, the awful thing is that I don't feel the same anxiety about Ds, I think a man in his late 20s 30s has plenty of time, but I so want DD to make a good choice and not be under pressure when they want to start a family. I am so aware that many couples face an uphill battle and starting earlier rather than later is a good idea. DD wants to marry before having a family. I know my ideas seem dated but I feel a need to see DD on a smooth path ahead. Thanks again for all your words of encouragement, everyone, the last thing I want is to push them away .

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Mrswellyboot · 17/03/2014 22:35

I get it op. I wanted to get married before living together, which is not very common these days. So we announced our wedding date the day we announced our engagement and moved in together after the honeymoon.

However, weddings are expensive and your daughter is very happy. You know they could have got secretly engaged.

Lots of people loving together are happier than married couples. One thing I found was there were lots of niggles in the early days because we hadnt lived together. At least your daughter will be on a well established relationship by the time she gets married.

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