DD, counselling and unhappy ExH

[FushandChups]

Since my separation early last year, DD has been coping less and less and following the recent implementation of 50/50 care, seems to have got worse. I decided that i can't bear to see her so unhappy and after speaking with her teacher who has also seen a change, arranged to see the school nurse. This is to get some advice and ultimately, i would like to use this as a way to access some counselling for her. She is in reception.

H is absolutely adamant that this must not happen. He doesn't want me speaking to the nurse and if i do, she's not allowed to speak to anyone else. DD can talk to him (as its obviously me making her sad because she's fine when she's with him) but no way is she to talk to anyone else.

In brief, he doesn't want her labelled and no matter what i say about there being no possibility of her being labelled, it can only help her, she needs to talk to someone that is completely separate from the situation, he is stating it is not happening.

I don't know what to do other than just plough on as she is really hurting and i don't think me or him is enough for her at the moment. She needs some extra help in coping with what has happened but he is obsessed with this label issue.

He is her father so obviously has every right to say no but on this occasion, i think he is not looking at the big picture. I want DD to be happy with herself and her situation and think this could be a hugely helpful step.

Has anyone been through this with their DC post separation? Did it help them? Or should i just carry on, watching my DD just get sadder and sadder?

OP has been told that DDs reaction is normal in the circumstances. It is expected that children going through separation have a hard time, will be sad and so on. It doesn't mean that they don't need help.
And expecting the new girlfriend to provide that support is simply ludicrous.

Also, he hasn't "let" the OP have residence (do read). They share 50/50 and it's not a matter of "letting". He's not a judge to decide what happens to the children.

And just because he's a bloke it doesn't mean that he will automatically think that intervention is not necessary.

OP: My DS used to go and stay with his Dad for one night over the weekend. As this interfered with his Dad's social life, DS was left with the GPs and told not to tell me as "we don't want to worry your Mum". DS used to come home from those visits behaving like an absolute little shit. He was so nasty and so awful, that I used to dread the weekends.

I found out last week (he's now 16 and his Dad has been dead for a long time) that he never told me because he didn't want his dad to get into trouble with me. Poor kid. It never used to matter how much he was told he wouldn't get into trouble by me, the pressure was there from his Dad's family.

A lot of the responses on this thread read like just the sort of crap that Father's for Justice accuse us of. Implying abuse for no good reason, saying she should end shared custody for no good reason etc. Thankfully the OP doesn't seem to be rising to the bait.

I don't know, the OP sounds very reasonable, wants to get help for her child to get through a difficult separation and new living arrangements.
The ex says "that he worries for my sanity and from what he's been hearing, he should just take the children".

I guess people suspecting he might be abusive are just picking it out of thin air. (not saying that he is, but there are some clues that he's not that reasonable or a particularly good parent)

I'm another one who thinks the XP might be planning to take the DC, probably egged on by his new GF. He seems to be trying to paint a picture of the OP as mad and an unfit parent so he can get custody and play happy families with his new partner.
Remember that you don't have to obey him, OP. If he's unco operative, don't engage, just ignore him and do as you see fit.

As always, thank you.

I got some legal advice today as to what i can do should he state i can't bring them home with me on Sunday and, because he has equal PR there is actually very little I would need to kick the legal machine into action on Monday but there is nothing i could do there & then unless it escalated to an emergency.

However, I spoke with H today and he's asked if there is a chance I can get the early - so either Sunday morning or maybe even Saturday night. I just want them home with me after the week that's been so it looks like it was an empty threat (no shock there!)

I just want to be with them - sorry cat, but you're not in the same league! Scuppers my Sunday lie-in but small price to pay

I do wonder if he'll keep up the 50/50 for long, and not start reducing actual contact.

So you're an unfit mother whose kids should be with daddy and OW. Except when you need to pick them up early so that daddy and OW can go down the pub

Enjoy your Sunday snuggles. I recommend a duvet day with the curtains closed against the world!