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Original poster

Alone and feeling strange

57 replies

Chickens123 · 16/03/2014 23:54

I split from my DD s dad 10 years ago I've been single ever since not even been on a date with anyone. Last month I was ' set up' by a couple of friends with someone who was in the process ( so he says) of getting divorced. I feel really cross. I had no interest in him and felt cross that my friends thought I might want to go on a date. I hate being alone, I have a rubbish job that is totally unfulfilling, no family apart from DD and few friends ( even fewer who understand me). Just feel very lonely right now.

OP posts:
beaglesaresweet · 17/03/2014 00:17

is there a reason why you wouldn't consider going on dates, OP?

Bogeyface · 17/03/2014 00:54

You hate being alone, but you dont want to date.

You feel lonely but you are angry with friends that tried to set you up with someone.

What is it that is stopping you from wanting to date? Why are you so angry with your friends?

Bogeyface · 17/03/2014 00:55

Just noticed that you suggest that the man you were set up with might be lying about him getting divorced. Was a loss of trust a major issue in your split with your ex?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/03/2014 06:13

Your friends were presumably acting with good intentions. They got it a bit wrong, admittedly, but I think your anger and dissatisfaction is because they've struck a nerve and demonstrated that they understand you better than you'd like to think. Tell me, do you normally go around saying that you enjoy being single?

Lweji · 17/03/2014 07:27

Set up how?
As in we know this man and would you like to go on a date with him?
Or here is this man we secretly asked to come as well and we are leaving now?

If you hate being alone so much, why don't you want to date? How do you propose not be single?
What steps are you taking in the way of being happier on your own, or finding someone else?

SoleSource · 17/03/2014 14:19

Hi

PM me

flatbellyfella · 17/03/2014 21:03

The fact that you have joined MN will bring you comfort, if you make contact with other regular members, there are a lot of great people to give support & advice when you are down, & to the lost & lonely, Best wishes.

Original poster
Chickens123 · 17/03/2014 21:47

I'm just feeling in a very bad place at the moment. not ready to move on.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/03/2014 23:32

Could you be depressed? Have you talked to your GP?

LineRunner · 17/03/2014 23:47

Hi chickens. There is a lot of support on Mumsnet. Hope you are ok.

What kind of date would you ideally like? Your friends might have meant well, but a guy in the midst of a divorce (or possibly not even that far out of his marriage) doesn't sound that great to me.

Theoldhag · 17/03/2014 23:53

Hi op I am sorry that you are feeling lonely Sad
I wonder if you would be better suited to being in situations where you could meet others and get to know them as friends first? Rather than doing the dating thing. So my thought would be how to do that? Maybe joining a local group that provides plenty of oportunities in coming into relaxed contact with other people, rather than cold calling option?

Or if there isn't a local group doing something that you enjoy maybe starting one up?

As Lweji asks, do you feel that you may be depressed? If you are feeling flat in other areas ie job then this may be worth you thinking about and seeking help.

Can you do anything to make work more enjoyable? Is it feasible to look for something else, or even retraining? Now that may open opportunities to make friends and even find a romance.

ghostwritten · 18/03/2014 01:59

Hi chickens.
You had not dated for 10 years and your friends arranged a blind date without your agreement so I understand why you were not chuffed about it. As has been said, they probably thought (misguidedly) that they were helping you. Please forgive them as the fact they bothered shows they care about you, no matter how they got it.

When you said that you cannot move on did you mean from the split with dd father or the current situation ref work and loneliness?
If it is the first then please seek counseling because 10 years is a long time to suffer. If its the latter then both of these could induce depression in anyone and maybe a visit to your gp would be a start.

Your post struck a chord with me because I have a friend in similar circumstances. Her husband died 8 years ago and she has steadfastly refused to date since. Over the years many friends have done everything they could to change her mind, initially citing grief, then low self esteem as the reason. Some even questioned her sexual orientation.

Best wishes and a big hug.

ghostwritten · 18/03/2014 02:02

sorry end of 1st paragraph should read. no matter how wrong they got it.

Original poster
Chickens123 · 18/03/2014 03:08

I think the loneliness is the worst, I would never have let a strange man into my life while my daughter was growing up, just for safety reasons and for fear of being labeled a slut. But she is moving on now and I wish I could move on. Yes I hate my job and have done it for 10 years, I'm doing some study at the moment but it's never going to lead to anything. As for friends why set me up with a married man, alleged divorcing or not! Just some one who saw me as desperate. But every w/e, birthday, Xmas, school holiday alone just cuts you up in the end.

OP posts:
Lweji · 18/03/2014 06:45

I started dating when I was still married but the divorce was well under way and there was no possible going back.

I have the impression you might benefit from cognitive behavioural therapy, possibly.

Do you know that this man and your friends saw you as desperate, or did they think he could be a good match, and they listened to you when you said you were feeling lonely?

We can advise you to find hobbies and interests that put you in contact with people, friends and possible partners. But I am getting the feeling that you won't benefit much from the people in your life because of your outlook.
You seemed very weighed down by the negative parts of your life.
Why not enjoy when you have people around, and make some special time for you and your interests when you are alone?

Do talk to your GP about seeking help.
Meanwhile have a go at this online resource MoodGym and see if it helps.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 07:08

A man in the middle of a divorce may not have been the ideal choice of date but what was the set-up? Dinner together? A drink at the pub? They weren't bundling you into the back of a van and whisking the pair of you off to a registry office. Chatting with someone new - making a friend perhaps? - is generally a nice thing.

Like Lweji, I'm also worried about your outlook. It's clear you've spent 10 years building some very high walls in order to protect yourself and your DC emotionally. The longer you carry on, the more difficult it's going to be to take some of those walls down. Going out with someone new would never have made you a slut and most men are not paedophiles but it's understandable why you'd be frightened to make yourself vulnerable again. If you don't like being lonely, however, you have to start somewhere and take a few risks. I think you may benefit from some kind of counselling.

Original poster
Chickens123 · 18/03/2014 07:48

I get your point but I did have some counselling but it never worked. I'm just so angry with the whole situation. A total betrayal by people I thought were friends. Therapy didn't work for me. I try to reach out and can't get any further. It's just my problem. I guess. It's good it worked for some though.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 07:56

'Total betrayal' is a bit strong. You're lonely & they thought you'd like to meet this man that they presumably know (rather than someone they picked at random). They may not have got it right on this occasion but isn't introducing new people something a friend might do for another friend?

juneau · 18/03/2014 07:59

Are you on anti-depressants OP? I ask because reading your posts above reminds me very much of the kind of things my sister says - and she's clinically depressed. The feelings of betrayal and persecution by your friends who sound like they're just trying to help (albeit clumsily), the loneliness and feeling worn down by it, the inability to reach out, the way you fear being seen as a 'slut' just for going on dates when you're a single woman, and your refusal to try therapy because one therapist didn't work for you. There are many different therapies out there and each therapist is also different, just because you tried it once and it didn't work doesn't mean it never will. Please go and see your GP as a starting point and explain how you feel. These are not normal feelings you're describing.

Original poster
Chickens123 · 18/03/2014 12:08

No I don't anti depressants. I don't think they are going to any good. I just need new friends!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 18/03/2014 16:40

I think the friends you have are just fine if they understand that you are lonely and are trying to help with that. I have to agree that there is more to this than a simple misunderstanding.

To call what they did a "total betrayal" is a massive over reaction.

When I was depressed I went very insular, and it wasnt until I was on AntiD's that I realised just how bad I had been. If you dont think they will do any good, why not just try them anyway on the basis that they cant make things worse and they might actually help.

Original poster
Chickens123 · 18/03/2014 17:24

Glad you are better and all that but would NEVER go to the GP and admit anything like depression. No way. Moved on from friends. I've told them never to contact me again. So better off without them.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 18/03/2014 17:31

You said initially you have few friends, no family, a job you hate etc. Cutting them off means you have even less of a social life. Are you sure isolating yourself further makes you better off? And why would talking to a doctor about depression be any more terrible than any other illness?

Just be careful that this high walls you're retreating behind don't end up trapping you rather than protecting you.

waltermittymissus · 18/03/2014 17:32

I'm going to be harsh on purpose, so forgive me. This will be a tough love post:

You're being horrible about your friends.

What have they done but try to introduce you to someone who was also single? You have no reason to think he's not genuinely divorced and available.

Meeting someone else while you have a child is not dangerous as long as you get to know him first. And it's massively offensive to call a lone parent entering a new relationship a slut.

You don't need new friends. You either need help in the way of medication or more counselling, or you need to get over yourself.

Your dd, I'm sure, never expected you to be a nun while she was growing up and I hope you don't use her as an emotional crutch.

You're lonely but want to dump your friends. Weekends and evenings are the worst but you don't want to meet new people.

What do you want?

Bogeyface · 18/03/2014 17:33

Then I have to admit I am at a loss as to why you posted!

You have been given lots of good advice that you dont seem interested in.

Why would you not tell your GP? They can help!
Why would you dump friends that obviously care about you when you admit you are lonely?

Why are you pushing away that which you say you want and refuse to seek help for the way you feel?

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