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Original poster

No sex - ever! Our relationship is doomed??

105 replies

sexissues · 15/08/2006 10:24

Dp and i havent had sex for over 18months - nothing at all not even close, its my fault as he wants it - badly but i reject him, the problem is i dont fancy him in that way at all! i have always thought it was me that was the problem, and have spent many times getting upset wondering what the hell my probelm was, dp even asked me to consider the option that i may be living with the wrong sex and maybe i dont 'do men' but i know thats not the case!
Dp is tall and really quite thin, and he is a really good looking bloke but he has an office job and does very little if any excercise, he is pale and he just doesnt turn me on, infact alot of the time he has the opposite effect and i cant bring myself to pretend! i love him and i hate that he feels so rejected by me, but im so stuck, i knocked on a friends door the other day to drop something off and he answered the door without his top on and i nearly fell over myself! i have never seen him without his top on before and i cant get over my feelings about it (not him!!) i had this mad stupid grin on me for ages - he looked so fit, i have thought for so long that maybe dp is right and i am some kind of sexual misfit, and they missed me when they were handing out libido, but now i disagree not just because of this guy, but for lots of reasons, i just cant bring myself to tell dp i dont want sex with him because he doesnt turn me on ! does this mean our relationship is doomed to die

OP posts:
mousiemousie · 15/08/2006 10:25

If your dp did more exercise would that solve the problem?

suzywong · 15/08/2006 10:27

doesn't look too rosy, I have to be honest with you

do you have children together?

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 10:30

if he did more excercise and buffed himself up abit - yeah it would help LOTS! we do have kids yeah - 3!

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 15/08/2006 10:32

So basically it's not him, per se, but the way he looks? Does he still fancy you? Has the way you look changed since you first met? It might be an idea to talk to him about it but it may not be easy.

clumsymum · 15/08/2006 10:52

I think this is awfully sad, and can't imagine how this comes about.

I'm disabled with an oddly shaped body covered in surgery scars and stuff. I can't imagine that dh ever really fancied me for my body, but everything else was right, and we have pretty reasonable marital relations, because we turn each on with how we are, sense of humour, WE LOVE EACH OTHER.

If you can't fancy your dp just cos of how he looks then it sounds like you don't love him either. Has being together just become a habit? How did you get together anyway?

No I don't think your relationship is likely to last, given how you feel (or don't feel).

expatinscotland · 15/08/2006 10:57

'if he did more excercise and buffed himself up abit - yeah it would help LOTS! we do have kids yeah - 3!'

Have you tried counselling?

How would you feel if he felt this way about you?

I can see if he'd put on 8 st and didn't bath it might be a turn off, I'd be concerned that he was depressed.

But we don't stay young and buff forever.

I guess I just don't get it, but I was always the type who was attracted to people b/c of who they are, b/c isn't that the most important? I mean, looks fade or can be altered.

I was quite good-looking when I was young, and have had people make rude and shocking comments about some of the partners I chose, which really upset me and hurt my feelings.

Maybe you should go and hire 'Shallow Hal'.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 10:57

Its a tough one. I tend to think that, if you love someone deeply then you are attracted to that persona, and everything you see in them is beautiful. You dont look at them and see a beer belly, or the bald spot, or the hair coming out their ears.

Likewise men with their woman.

Libido is a "primal" urge, and who better to share it with than this person you love, trust, confide in and who knows you and knows what you want.

I dont know what this means for you, except that clearly there is something missing and I dont think its just his looks.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 10:59

Can anyone actually make any sense out of my post btw? Coz i read it back and im struggling lol!

mum2sam · 15/08/2006 11:14

Maybe you are just bored and not concentrating on other other areas. The fact that you havent had sexual relations with your dh may mean youve drifted apart and you only see him as a father to your children and not a sexy lover.Im going through a similar thing with my dh. Ive just started taking damiana which is supposed to boast libido so fingers crossed that may spur me on to want to have sex.Im also eating healthier and getting earlier nights.Dh and i are also doing excercise together like badminton,tennis etc exercise is also meant to boast libdo, energy levels plus it means we are spending quality time togther and may help us to both get into shape.
Then i plan to to spice up our sex life by doing things we used to do like dressing up and having sex out doors. I want to get that excitement back.

mum2sam · 15/08/2006 11:16

opps like to say i mean dressing up in the the bedroom not out doors

clumsymum · 15/08/2006 11:19

BTW Sexissues,

As appearance is soooo important to you, are you an irresistable babe, and do you work on your appearance?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 11:22

Actually, dressing up to have sex outdoors sounds like its fun M2S lol!

fattiemumma · 15/08/2006 11:31

ok - Short term. get dressed u in some nice undies and tell him your feeling naughty. ask him to blindfold you and the do as he pleases.
its a huge turn on for him and you can lie back and imagine him in the way that he used to look back when he got your pulse racing. (if your really desperate imagine his head on your freids bod) at least this will have the sexual tension flowing again.

the longer you leave sex the harder it becomes (no pun intended) once you have had sex...and hopefully an orgasm your body releases certain hormones that react in your body to make you want more of it. once you have tried the initial act you are more likely to feel those sexuak urges again.

Long term - join the gym with your partner. np doubt your a little flabbier and saggier (sorry) in places than when he metyou so you could probably both do with the extra tone up. you can do it together and help build that bond even stronger and then as he gets fitter and more toned you can have a fake tan or whatever it is that you find attractive.
if its a joing venture you dont necessarily need to tell him why you want him to get 'buff'

and jut pray he never see's this thread!

oliveoil · 15/08/2006 11:36

article in The Times yesterday (long)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 11:43

LOL at Barry Fowler!

clumsymum · 15/08/2006 11:48

Barry Fowlers view is hardly objective, is it?

oliveoil · 15/08/2006 11:56

no, but I thought the rest of the article was good, ie start being nice to each other etc and making an effort.

lemonstartree · 15/08/2006 12:03

Can you imaging the outrage if he said to you " actually I dont fancy you any more since you had the kids and are a bit saggy but there's a woman with big tits/slim arse/long legs down the road and she really does it for me." You'd be devastatd and we would be telling you to DTMFA

Get over yourself. You are supposed to LOVE this man, what would happen if he had an operation and had a scar? You sound really shallow and frankly if he leaves you over this you will have only yourself to blame............

wannaBe1974 · 15/08/2006 12:06

men just can't win can they? If your dp was overweight would you not fancy him either? so he has to be just the right weight for you to fancy him? Sorry but this sounds incredibly shallow to me and I don't think your relationship has a chance of lasting, predominantly because I think your dp could find someone who loves him for the person he is and not for the way he looks. I totally appreciate that looks initially play a part in people getting together, considering people tend to see each other and become attracted that way, but once the initial attraction has gone generally the couple has so much more in common so the physical appearance isnt that important.

Imo you should have a long think about what it is that you want, because if it's just looks, then tbh I don't hold out much hope of you ever having a successful long-term relationship.

PanicPants · 15/08/2006 12:09

I don't think it's as much an issue about sex as whether or not you love him enough to work on your feelings.

I f you love him, and want to stay together as a couple than you need to re evaluate what is important to you. Talk to him, and work it out together.

SanandOllie · 15/08/2006 12:27

Boy do I absolutely agree with Lemonstartree - if a guy was to say that about his wife then he'd be (rightly) torn to pieces!

You're married with three kids to "really good looking bloke" who, in the absence of you saying otherwise, I'm assuming is a good guy, husband and father in all other important respects. And yet you're mooning over someone down the road who looks good with his top off. Hate to say this, but it sounds more like the problem page on Just 17 rather than Mumsnet.

In answer to your question though, if you really can't face the thought of sex with your husband but do fancy other blokes, there's probably other reasons behind why you don't feel like sex with him.

Does this mean your "relationship is doomed to die"? I don't know, but I'd have a good long think about the reasons why you don't feel like sex - the answer may well not be as simple as he's too pale and skinny.

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:10

I realise i may sound such a shallow person but in my defence dp has been quite unfaithful to me and betrayed me, and has on occasion (not recently) physically attacked me, we have seen a counsellor very briefly (only went about4/5 times) we didnt feel like we got anything from her, and so we left, plus we had to travel quite far to get there! and funnily enough expat - he doesnt bath!! - i have counted one bath in the last 4 months - EWWW - that is a HUGE turn off to me, and i have tried talking to him about it and he acts like its not him - he is fine, its just me being fussy! i just dont know what i can do to turn all this around

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:13

I really dont want to split up, i want my kids to have there dad, and i DO love him still, its so hard

OP posts:
barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:18

Its interesting to read about all the problems everyone has with regards to sex. I've been married for 13 years. We've got two young children (7 & 2) and up until we had the kids our sex life was pretty much OK. When we first got together we were at it like rabbits. Now, after having had a dreadful experience having our youngest plus combined with feeling permanently exhausted (I work part-time plus at home with the kids etc etc) we rarely have sex - maybe once every three months or so. Its not that I don't fancy him because I do but when I go to bed and hit the pillow I'm out like a light. When we first met I was always thinking 'phwoooarrr' but now its a case of 'yea, you're ok, I guess!'

As with normal young fit healthy blokes (although he is almost 40) he would love to have sex every week but I don't. It makes me sound such an old fuddy duddy but I'd rather read a book! Anyone else out there like me or am I growing old before my age??!!!

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:18

Thanks for tha lemonstartree i have forgiven ALOT of lies and betrayal from dp, he left me when our ds was only 5 months old and i agreed to to take him back after a year later! despite my family telling me he was no good and even when he was lying to me and they were proven right i have still stood by him, but my problem isnt with his image as like you all say its not purely about how someone looks but i have put on weight since having my kids and i have joined the gym and lost alot of weight as he told me i was 'loosing it' he said it jokingly and he laughed but i like to feel fit and healthy and lookafetr myself, but he wont even dress himself up if we go out, it his attitude tha i should try but he doesnt have too that turns me off he is good looking and if he just put some effort in like we all do occasionally it would be great, but he doesnt and i think it should work both ways - if that makes me shallow than so be it

OP posts: