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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex - ever! Our relationship is doomed??

105 replies

sexissues · 15/08/2006 10:24

Dp and i havent had sex for over 18months - nothing at all not even close, its my fault as he wants it - badly but i reject him, the problem is i dont fancy him in that way at all! i have always thought it was me that was the problem, and have spent many times getting upset wondering what the hell my probelm was, dp even asked me to consider the option that i may be living with the wrong sex and maybe i dont 'do men' but i know thats not the case!
Dp is tall and really quite thin, and he is a really good looking bloke but he has an office job and does very little if any excercise, he is pale and he just doesnt turn me on, infact alot of the time he has the opposite effect and i cant bring myself to pretend! i love him and i hate that he feels so rejected by me, but im so stuck, i knocked on a friends door the other day to drop something off and he answered the door without his top on and i nearly fell over myself! i have never seen him without his top on before and i cant get over my feelings about it (not him!!) i had this mad stupid grin on me for ages - he looked so fit, i have thought for so long that maybe dp is right and i am some kind of sexual misfit, and they missed me when they were handing out libido, but now i disagree not just because of this guy, but for lots of reasons, i just cant bring myself to tell dp i dont want sex with him because he doesnt turn me on ! does this mean our relationship is doomed to die

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 13:47

EXACTLY VVVQ and Barney!!!!! he is lazy and im not very good at saying 'right sort yourself or else' he as everything he wants on hand here and i suppose he has no reason for changing his ways unless i make him, but then yes vvvq it would be a dent to his ego wich ever way i tackle it! i just cant even consider going near him - aside from the disgusting idea of getting intimate with someone who doesnt wash, i dread to think what i might catch! (bleeuuurrrggghhh)

OP posts:
stephanieplum · 16/08/2006 14:19

THis is a weird thread! I have read it all now and there seem to be a number of different issues. Lack of personal hygiene, past history of violence and neglect, young kids, lack of respect etc etc. Loads of reasons why sex might be a problem. Mainly though why cant you talk to him? Would he get abusive? Do you talk?

I cant bear smelly people and would have sorted this one out long ago to be honest. Buy him some smelly stuff for a present and then send him off to shower!

barney2 · 16/08/2006 14:58

mmmmmm....I think laziness is his problem then! Why bother washing when you don't need to? By the sounds of it it's too much of an effort to go and run a bath when its much more fun playing on the XBOX. I think, if he were my husband, I'd tell him straight - get yourself sorted, wash yourself, smarten yourself up or bugger off!!!

expatinscotland · 16/08/2006 15:00

He's violent, lazy, unhygenic, abusive and unfaithful.

Sounds like no sex is the least of your worries.

barney2 · 16/08/2006 15:06

Good point....I agree. Why worry about sex and lack of it when there's far more here to sort out - I'd prefer to share a bed with a nice sweet smelling clean bloke and read a book than a smelly one and worry about having sex with him......

chocybickie · 16/08/2006 15:14

I'm going to need more information.
When was he unfaithful and violent? At what point did he stop washing? Has he always been lazy?

From what I've read on this thread it seems like he has lost respect for you and himself. I'm not sure which one came first.

If I were you (assuming I wanted to save the r/ship) I would go out more. Dress up and go out, carry on going to the gym (lol like I'VE ever done that), carry on making the most of your life. Make him see what he's missing, how gorgeous you are. Jealousy is useful in small doses. Of course the objective is not to make him want to pester you for sex more, or to make him cross but to make him see that you are worthy of better treatment to hopefully give him a kick up the arse. If he does make any changes a bit of praise in a non condescending way is always good.

I offer this advice instead of 'talking' because it seems like he might not be responding to well to that approach. My dp is the same in that respect. If I ask him to stop wearing that hideous shirt- he'll wear it everywhere but with a naughty smile on his face.

Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:14

Yeah i know, its something i think about alot - maybe i havent got the guts to leave him.....

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:32

YES choccybickie, that is my dp to a T! you have all got me thinking now.... I do go to the gym alot and my trainer happens to be a pretty good looking bloke which my friend let slip to dp a while ago and i thought maybe this is a good thing, maybe it will have that desired effect - but, no, he hasnt changed abit, he just moaned and said i should go to the gym and play with that 'bloke' its like its ALL my job to keep this relationship going and he doesnt give a shit, but i have said this to him and he says very convincingly and almost sorrowful that he loves me to bits and he cant bear the thought of life without me and the kids.... ????

OP posts:
chocybickie · 16/08/2006 15:35

you haven't got the guts?
what's easier...
leaving him now or spending the rest of your life in this relationship?

easier question- Are you OK with the thought that you may still be in the same situation, feeling the same things in 10 years time?

i think you need some serious counselling. the two of you that is.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Norah · 16/08/2006 15:38

He sounds so depressed to me ! So depressed that he can't be arsed to wash, can't be arsed that you might go off with your trainer at the gym - it's really sad.

Has he seen his GP ? Could you get him to go ?

His self-esteem must be at rock bottom to be like this.

chocybickie · 16/08/2006 15:44

He has low self esteem obviously.
How you deal with that is a very personal thing as everyone is different with their needs and insecurities.
Make him know that your reason for not wanting sex is nothing to do with his performance in bed or appearance. That is important. If you have already mentioned that his lazy, disrespectful behaviour and appearance is the cause then there is little you can do to salvage the situation I'm afraid.

Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:45

Thanks CB

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Norah · 16/08/2006 15:48

Presumably you did love him though - do you not want to help him get out of this situation ?

Sounds like you have given up on him - and now you want out. Is he not worth a little more time and effort ?

Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:49

He probably does have low self esteem he has had depression and is on anti-depressants, he isnt good at talking as he usually ends up saying yeah whatever to anything i say, i cant imagine being without him despite his past behavior, but it has crossed my mind once or twice wether or not he actualls WANTS to be with me - and he doesnt split up and leave because he doesnt want to be a part time dad!

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:51

He is worth the time and effort yes Norah - id like to think i would give up on ANYONE if i could help it, but he is just so pig headed - he doesnt think he or us have a problem, and that i am just being a frigid petty nag! how can you talk through that?

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 15:52

Lol sorry - i meant id like to think i WOULDNT give up on anyone if i could help it! duh

OP posts:
Norah · 16/08/2006 15:53

I know other people have assumed that talking won't work. But you must try - you really must - he needs your help.

Have you sat him down and explained that you miss the old him, you love him, and you miss the fun you used to have, ask him how you can help him to get back to that. Make a plan - baby steps at first - then move onto bigger steps. I'd leave the sex out of it for now - you have bigger more important issues to deal with.

SpanielEars · 16/08/2006 15:53

sod him! sorry - but he sonds like a bastard and i think he needs to get a life. Don't worry about him ever being unfaithful again....who the hell would want a piece of him!!

Get rid of him and have some fun in your life again. Bet your kids are picking up on all of this.

Norah · 16/08/2006 16:03

Have you ever actually said to him "I will leave you if you don't get your act together !"

Does he really know how much his behaviour and attitude upset you ? I mean REALLY REALLY know ?

BTW - does he stink ? don't his work colleagues say anything ? I worked with a stinky bloke once and it was awful - really nice chap but very poor personal hygiene - eventually someone (not me thank god) had a word with him and he claimed not to realise and then sorted himself out !

Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 16:03

Grr i agree with both of you - Norah and Spanielears, one side of me says "lets talk and sort it all out" and the other says "yeah sod him, he's been a complete w*nker to me" how do i know which one is right? well if i follow my head i dont know, but if i follow my heart it says to stay put and sort it, but im not sure i trust my heart....

OP posts:
Norah · 16/08/2006 16:07

One last try PLEASE ! You have history and 3 kids with him - there have been good times and there can be good times ahead !

I just think of my two best mates out there internet dating at 38 and desp to settle down - they aren't finding any nice men - you've got one who you love - but who has a few personal probs - which hopefully you can work through together.

It has got to be worth a try hasn't it ?

Go on please - one last shot !!

Original poster
sexissues · 16/08/2006 16:09

Yeah i guess your right Norah - in my mind the grass is always greener but in reality it never is is it? I have to dash of now to take ds1 to the dentist, so i will be having a good long think about all this while im out and about.....

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SpanielEars · 16/08/2006 16:10

anyone that can do those horrid things to you doesn't deserve you. Thats the bottom line. There may well be someone out there who could make you really happy and you won't know until you get out of this distructive relationship. you are so unhappy right now so thats alarm bells telling you that you should get out if i ever heard them. If he doesn't respect himself (i.e not washing) then how can you ever expect him to respect you.

SpanielEars · 16/08/2006 16:12

Norah - he beat her and was unfaithful. Why stay with him when next time he may kill her? A freind of mine was killed by her husband. I'm sorry but i feel very strongly about this and would hate for a woman to stay with a man who could do such a thing again. Ok he hasn't done it for a while but he is more than capable.

doggiesayswoof · 16/08/2006 16:28

'one side of me says "lets talk and sort it all out" and the other says "yeah sod him, he's been a complete w*nker to me"'

I can def sympathise with your dilemma. I ended up leaving my xp partly because he was not the person I used to know - he had lost his spark and spent most of his time playing xbox and watching tv - I'm sure he was depressed but refused to go to GP. We had no sex. I spent ages trying to talk to him about it and support him, I felt like I was the one making all the effort. In the end I got out of the relationship. I didn't have kids with him though so it was simpler. You really have my sympathy - it's a very hard decision.

If you threaten to leave it may make him 'batten down the hatches' and get worse rather than better. Or it might shock him into action. You know him best. Is it worth reminding him that he is a role model to your kids - he's not likely to be much of an inspiration to them sitting around scratching his b**cks and picking his nose is he?