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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex - ever! Our relationship is doomed??

105 replies

sexissues · 15/08/2006 10:24

Dp and i havent had sex for over 18months - nothing at all not even close, its my fault as he wants it - badly but i reject him, the problem is i dont fancy him in that way at all! i have always thought it was me that was the problem, and have spent many times getting upset wondering what the hell my probelm was, dp even asked me to consider the option that i may be living with the wrong sex and maybe i dont 'do men' but i know thats not the case!
Dp is tall and really quite thin, and he is a really good looking bloke but he has an office job and does very little if any excercise, he is pale and he just doesnt turn me on, infact alot of the time he has the opposite effect and i cant bring myself to pretend! i love him and i hate that he feels so rejected by me, but im so stuck, i knocked on a friends door the other day to drop something off and he answered the door without his top on and i nearly fell over myself! i have never seen him without his top on before and i cant get over my feelings about it (not him!!) i had this mad stupid grin on me for ages - he looked so fit, i have thought for so long that maybe dp is right and i am some kind of sexual misfit, and they missed me when they were handing out libido, but now i disagree not just because of this guy, but for lots of reasons, i just cant bring myself to tell dp i dont want sex with him because he doesnt turn me on ! does this mean our relationship is doomed to die

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 13:59

Maybe some comments about how much you like the smell etc after said bath? or that x aftershave really suits him?

It'll help with the hygiene aspect but I still think you both need to talk as well.

SanandOllie · 15/08/2006 14:04

Certainly don't mean sexissues any malice and hope she can figure it all out.

Would have been better though if initial post had referred to lack of hygiene, unfaithfulness and fact that you make an effort whilst he doesn't as being the problems to enable a more appropriate response.

FioFio · 15/08/2006 14:07

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FioFio · 15/08/2006 14:08

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FrannyandZooey · 15/08/2006 14:13

I had only really read the OP and a few of the responses so apologies if I crossed posts with people. I thought what was said in the OP was fine, really, without any other information. I should think it's quite common to go off one's partner, and usually because there are issues in the relationship, but sometimes because you just get bored. It's nothing to be proud of, but it happens.

FioFio · 15/08/2006 14:15

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proudofmyboobs · 15/08/2006 14:19

yes I suppose they do. I know we did, a few months ago but I wasn't confident in my body, Dh thought I didn't fancy him. Then he made that big a deal of it I really didn't fancy him for a while

expatinscotland · 15/08/2006 14:23

Why do most of u assume that he is automatically a good guy, "in the absence of me saying otherwise" '

Maybe b/c your OP mentioned nothing about hygeine, abuse, infidelity, etc.

It was all about how he was thin but unfit, therefore a turnoff.

Norah · 15/08/2006 14:24

Blimey - my dh has at least one shower a day - often two, but he's a bit of a big chap and is often a bit whiffy - but I just say jokingly "You stink - go and have a shower !" and off he trots !

Likewise smelly feet - I say "your feet pong!" and off he goes for a shower !!

I like a bit of honesty me !

lemonstartree · 15/08/2006 16:38

Gosh!

I was replying to the OP. wher you describe your partner and thin and pale and say that this is why you cant bear to have sex with him.

Now it turns out hes agressive, unfaithful and has poor personal hygeine.

Now I understand why you dont want to have sex with him, and actally its got almost nothing to do with the fact that he is pale and thin.
I suggest you talk to each other.

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 16:53

We have talked to each other many many many many times, he moans and whines tha i should love him for who he is and stop being so picky about hygeine. The reason i didnt go into all the detail about him and his man issues is that my OP would have been rather a long one! and my problem is that he is pale and thin too! - its not just that he is hrrendously unclean its that he is thin and pale because he gets no excercise he doesnt eat well (despite my efforts) and spends whatever spare time he has infront of his xbox! i think if you want to make yourself attractive to someone you have to at least try not just sit there in your own filth, picking your nose and eating it, after all the sun we have had we have all been out doing fun stuff he has sat in the house playing xbox games, no wonder he has no colour! he has got worse and worse i feel like im living with a teenage student!!

OP posts:
jabberwocky · 15/08/2006 16:59

Honestly, it sounds like he has developed some psychological problems regarding bathing. I think this is quite serious, actually. I mean, it it totally out of the norm of social mores and really needs some help. However, it doesn't sound like he realizes there is a problem. Therefore, it is up to you to decide what to do about it. Do you badger him into realizing how serious this is? How does his workplace deal with it? Would you go to counselling alone? I think that, at the very least, would be extremely helpful.

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 17:08

I have just called Relate and got us on their waiting list - he has agreed to it, as far as him smelling goes he doesnt smell to bad (as far as i can tell) he assures me he gets a wash every morning (its still not enough surely!) but my mum and sister have said they dont think he smells, he wears deodorant and aftershave, but he never washes his hands after he goes to the toilet and the other day i could smell an awful stench on his fingers i dread to think what it was!

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 17:09

If sex IS important to you (which, i'm sure it is), then this whole thing needs to be addressed. Like I said before, a shock might make him see sense, but it depends on how far you are prepared to go and whether you are actually wanting to persevere with the relationship.

Doesnt sound like there is an awful lot going for him at the moment because he just doesnt care. If a shock to the system doesnt work (ie threaten to lock him out if he doesnt bath, or stop washing his clothes/cooking for him, i dont know....)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 17:10

Erm.....scratched sweaty bollock smell I would think.......

barney2 · 15/08/2006 17:13

I don't think counselling would help with this situation. Whether he likes it or not he needs to be told that he smells and is personal hygiene efforts do not exist. It does sound very much like he's regressed into being a bit of a lad again - and i'm not saying all lads are smelly individuals but if all he can do is sit in front of his XBOX and carry out his filthy disgusting habits then let him get on with it. He's missing out big time with his wife and kids and perhaps if you didn't moan at him he'd get bored and decide to do something.

Its a bit like having a child in the house - tell them to do what you DO NOT want them to do and you can be guaranteed they won't do it! If you know what I mean.

I can fully appreciate that you have 'gone off' him - especially if he stinks but also if his looks have gone a bit down hill. I'd be the same if my husband didn't wash and didn't atleast look half decent. But, at the end of the day, some blokes don't mind being told by their wives to do something and some absolutely hate it. I can ask my husband to do something and I'll end up telling him a good dozen times before he'll finally get around to it.

The way I see it don't get stressed out by it. Don't blame yourself for the situation - perhaps let him get on with his life and at the same time you enjoy yours with your lovely kids and he'll soon realise he's missing out.

barney2 · 15/08/2006 17:16

And.....I also think that ALL relationships go through crappie times - any relationship that doesn't is unique. You're going through a crap time - you've had the honeymoon bit, the baby bit and now (if you're like me) you're left with the post baby bit - ie saggy arse, saggy boobs, big hips etc etc and you're permanently tired and pissed off but hey, thats life!

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 17:19

LOL VVVQ - definate possibilty there his favourite toys!

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 17:21

I have breastfed 3 kids my boobs are pretty saggy but i work my arse off at the gym (literally!) so i hope it is maybe paying off - even a little bit! but i kind of think sometimes - yeah i AM doing it for me but for him too, why cant he go to the gym and work out for me? PLUS it would do him good!

OP posts:
Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 17:24

What are the chances that any of your dp/dh's may understand what his problem is? is it maybe a man thing? maybe something us girls just dont get? I have to say i dont know of anyone else like this male or female! i just cant understand why anyone would negelct themselves so much, and then moan cos he doesnt 'get any'

OP posts:
barney2 · 15/08/2006 17:24

I wasn't saying you had a saggy arse!!!!!!!!

barney2 · 15/08/2006 17:26

Mmmmmm. My dh has just walked in the door. I'll ask him!!

Original poster
sexissues · 15/08/2006 17:28

Lol its ok barney - im certainly not a tight arse

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 17:28

I'd say they were most mens favourite toys.....

Somehow, you need to tell him you want a MAN, and he isnt being that way, he is more of a boy. But how to do it without denting his ego.......hmmmm its a toughie.....

barney2 · 15/08/2006 19:13

Would you say he was a lazy bloke? I'm just wondering if he's thinking why should he keep himself looking respectable/smelling ok when he's got everything he wants at home - a job, his XBOX, wife that does his tea, washing, ironing etc etc - the more I think about this the more I think you should scare him into doing something about the way he behaves, ie tell him that unless he improves on his hygiene, general behaviour, dirty habits etc he can go and live elsewhere. Sometimes I think men get too comfortable with the things around them and they let themselves slide.

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