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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No sex - ever! Our relationship is doomed??

105 replies

sexissues · 15/08/2006 10:24

Dp and i havent had sex for over 18months - nothing at all not even close, its my fault as he wants it - badly but i reject him, the problem is i dont fancy him in that way at all! i have always thought it was me that was the problem, and have spent many times getting upset wondering what the hell my probelm was, dp even asked me to consider the option that i may be living with the wrong sex and maybe i dont 'do men' but i know thats not the case!
Dp is tall and really quite thin, and he is a really good looking bloke but he has an office job and does very little if any excercise, he is pale and he just doesnt turn me on, infact alot of the time he has the opposite effect and i cant bring myself to pretend! i love him and i hate that he feels so rejected by me, but im so stuck, i knocked on a friends door the other day to drop something off and he answered the door without his top on and i nearly fell over myself! i have never seen him without his top on before and i cant get over my feelings about it (not him!!) i had this mad stupid grin on me for ages - he looked so fit, i have thought for so long that maybe dp is right and i am some kind of sexual misfit, and they missed me when they were handing out libido, but now i disagree not just because of this guy, but for lots of reasons, i just cant bring myself to tell dp i dont want sex with him because he doesnt turn me on ! does this mean our relationship is doomed to die

OP posts:

noddyholder · 15/08/2006 13:18

You need to TALK

DumbledoresGirl · 15/08/2006 13:19

If you love him and he loves you, you should be able to talk about what needs to change and he should be able to make an effort for you. If one or both sides can't be bothered to do this, then yes the relationship is doomed.

I am staggered you opened this thread complaining about his pasty appearance and only later thought to mention his infidelity and physical violence towards you, or were you building up the courage to talk about the real issues? I know which things would bother me more!

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:22

Why do most of u assume that he is automatically a good guy, "in the absence of me saying otherwise" sanandollie does that mean its ok to assume he is great and im being shallow?

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 15/08/2006 13:22

OH my post crossed with your last post sexissues. I think you are now beginning to talk about what is really bothering you.

barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:27

Is he still being physically violent towards you? When was he last unfaithful?

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:31

DumbledoresGirl - why are you staggered? i opened this thread as i have tried (after having 3 kids close together) to regain my figure or close and i get my hair done and if we ever go out i make an effort, but he never does - my whole original point was that he doesnt try, we dont have sex because he doesnt look after himself and there is little to be attracted to, despite my love for him he is a grown man and i cant run him a bath and sya there you go hun, its bath time! myabe i do have a few hang-ups about his past treatment of me, but we have talked that through and its sorted, my point in brining that up is that alot of you are making me out ot be shallow and v superficial! im not, i dont cant understand why i should make all the effort to toake care of myself when he should sit on his arse and expect me to find him attractive! what is SO shallow about that?

OP posts:

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:32

He isnt physically violent anymore no

OP posts:

barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:34

YOU ARE NOT A SHALLOW PERSON. You just want to be treated in the same way you treat everyone else. At the end of the day if you sat on your arse and did bugger all and couldn't give a toss about personal hygiene, I'm pretty sure he'd be the first to complain!

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:39

Thanks Barney - id hate to think i was being a cow, maybe i didnt put my point accross very well initially, im just so fed-up with it all, i REALLY REALLY HATE poor personal hygeine, when he never looks after himself - how am i supposed to be attracted, i cant get around it, he just acts like im being to picky!

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 15/08/2006 13:40

well you must have had sex with him at least 3 times in the past so something must have changed - normally after kids, it's the woman's appearance that changes not the man, so if he was always like he is now then what has changed in you that's stopping you loving him?

if he has suddenly stopped looking after himself then perhaps he is having a hard time and you need to gently ask him if anything is wrong

FioFio · 15/08/2006 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

DumbledoresGirl · 15/08/2006 13:41

I didn't say you were shallow. I do think that if the love is there between you both (from him as much as from you) then you should be able to sit down and talk ao bout your issues and work out a way of resolving them.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 13:42

Hmmm. I thought there was more to it. It would have been mightily helpful if you had given the full picture first instead of spitting out snippets in retort at others comments. We can only say what we see and all we see are words.

Ho hum.

I think you need to talk to him, I think there are other issues behind how you are viewing him - i suspect that his infidelity plays a large part in that.

FrannyandZooey · 15/08/2006 13:43

I think you are getting a rough time here tbh. I can understand how you feel and have felt this way myself in the past. It may not be anything to show off about but I don't think it's the worst thing in the world, or the most unusual thing, to go off one's partner physically and find yourself attracted to other people.

At least sexissues is thinking about this and trying to work out how she feels and whether there is anything she can do about it. I don't think she needs to be ticked off for this - she is just being honest.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 13:46

Dont doubt what you say at all FAZ, it just would have been soooooooo much more helpful if she had been more honest at the start in her OP. Its difficult, upon reading her first post, to come to much more of a conclusion than most posters did. You can't really blame folk for that.

Im quite sure no-one means sexissues any malice here.

barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:47

Personal hygiene comes naturally to women. I think with men word hygiene interprets as 'effort' and most men would much prefer to sit on their bums and have a pint watching some rubbish on tv. I'm lucky, my husband is very good when it comes to hygiene and if he stinks I tell him! When someone doesn't bath or even wash they don't notice that they stink - they've grown used to it. I really don't know what the answer is though. I think if he were my husband I'd have a really serious talk with him. Tell him he stinks and if he gets arsey about it then tell him until such time as he starts to look after himself more he can do all his own washing, ironing, cooking etc etc.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Having read what other people have left for you they're making out its a 50/50 thing. Its not. I also put on loads of weight after I had my children and I'm still fighting to get it off. BUT so long as I'm happy, which I am, and look after myself I couldn't give a toss what other people say about me. I'm blessed with lovely kids, I've got my health and I enjoy every moment I have - you never know what is around the corner. I've learnt that the hard way.

Chin up. XXXXXX

proudofmyboobs · 15/08/2006 13:47

lemonstartree

What kind of thing is that to say to someone who is asking for help? "Get over yourself" How damn well rude. she isn't saying, I am sexy, I am too good for him!" She is saying she doesn't find him attractive anymore, that's not the crime of the century is it??

I think you and your dh should sit down and have a chat, I think it's the first step you have taken now to acknowledge that perhaps you don't fancy him as much as you used to. I have gained 3 stone since our first baby, Dh has too, we are both heavier than we should be, and if I'm honest there's days I don't want him near me, and I have to take a deep breath and remind myself that I'm not the same as I used to be either.

I think the times he was unfaithful to you have shaken your confidence and when your confidence is low you pick up on any small detail of your partner that disgusts/annoys/irritates you, in your case, his skinniness and pastiness.

Hope this can be sorted.

Give the girl a break girls, she didn't come on and say "I'm great, he's not"

NotQuiteCockney · 15/08/2006 13:49

No, I don't think it's unusual to be attracted to other people, and not so much to one's partner, even without all the good non-shallow reasons you have to be off your partner. People like change, don't they.

As others have said, I think the things that are turning you off, really, are more likely to be longstanding non-aesthetic issues, like his mistreatment of you, his infidelity, and his lack of cleanliness.

I think trying a different relate counsellor would be wise, to work through some of this stuff.

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:51

No shower, no bath - nothing, and yes he has got worse, after about 6 months of us being together! we have been together almost 7 years, and obvioulsy we have had sex at least 3 times - i love him and i dont want to have an affection free relationship with him, but for some reason more and more lately, i feel like i dont see why i should respect and have sex with a man that cant even be arsed to shower - he cant have much respect for me to even expect me to share a bed with him, he sat the other night picking his nose and then eating it - HONESTLY - wow what a turn on!

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 13:52

Oh, and can i just say to those berating other posters and their responses. Its easier for you to see things in a more balanced view now, having had the luxury of seeing sexissues responses.

Original poster

sexissues · 15/08/2006 13:54

thankyou proudofmyboobs i really REALLY dont think im better then him, if anything im fed-up with feeling like just her at home - maybe im a minger and he doesnt want to clean himself up because im not worth it - i dont know.

OP posts:

barney2 · 15/08/2006 13:55

How long has he been like this then? Have I got this right that he's been like this for the last 6 1/2 years???

foxinsocks · 15/08/2006 13:55

so you've become less tolerant of him and he's got worse - I must admit, I hate poor personal hygiene aswell so I do sympathise!

Could you run a bath/shower and ask him to join you? Perhaps he might be more motivated if he thought he'd get something from being clean (iyswim)

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/08/2006 13:57

Thats a good idea fox.

Do you think a shocking comment might help? Or buying him some toiletries as a "gift"?

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