MIL Problems.

[AurorasDownTheRabbitHole]

My problems with MIL is as follows:
~She comes EVERY Sunday (original excuse was to see her son and GC but now DH works full time she still insists on her weekly visit)
~She puts me down all the time. (I've started to give it back or call her on it but it's slowly getting worse)
~MIL brings a present every week for my 4yo DD. (£40 worth of disney crap that my DD is starting to expect)
~MIL says she has to sleep over on saturday nights and stay all of sunday in my DDs room on her blow up bed (then will complain about how little sleep she gets!)
~She constantly tells my DD to ignore me and says "you are taking it too far" when I tell my DD off for something.
~MIL keeps telling my DD that she is secretly her mum but uses very sarcastic language when I tell her to stop.

Now my DH is at work on a Sunday - I can't go and see my family (they're at work during the week until late so weekends are the only time I get). I used to be able to go when my DH wasn't at work so he could spend some time with his mother alone but now I can't.

What do I do? If I can't stop her visits I need to be able to handle her better. MIL will go ape if I stop her Sunday visits/

I'd be arranging to be out and telling your DH to have a word and suggest she change her regular visits to when he's there so he doesn't miss out on seeing her

What a pain in the arse! You need to stop her visits. What about saying to her on Sunday, 'I'm sorry but next week I'm doing X' - that way you're not being rude but you're reminding her your weekends are for doing other things too. What does your DH say about this? I'd be fuming if he wasn't backing me up. Maybe ask for his support too so that she can't go whinging to him about it.

There's no way I would let a woman who puts me down, tells my own DD to ignore me, and tells DD that she is her mother (wtf?!) ruin my Sunday every week.

What does your DH say about this?

She sounds like a loon.

Just say on Sunday morning at 8am "in going to see my parents at 9, so you'll need to get up and go".

Of she keeps getting when and turfed out, she won't want to stay too often.

I'm sorry, what? You "can't stop her visits"? Yes you can. Just go and see your parents. If you're not there, and your DH isn't there, she can't visit, can she.

What does your DH say about this? Does he know all of this? Is he supportive of you or does he think you're over-reacting?

He actually said to me "She's not my problem, I'm at work" He knows how difficult his mother is! bastard
I'm going to have to start saying that Scarlet (saying I'm busy). I've had enough of putting up with her BS. I'm moving next week and she's already decided my DDs room isn't big enough as she won't be able to sleep on her floor what a fucking shame MIL has also said she will "help" us move in. I think I might just leave her and OH to it because last time we moved (3 years ago) I almost had a breakdown over her getting in the way and judging everything

She causes a lot of arguments between me and H. He is only just starting to see what her true colors are.

Wtf? You can stop her visits! You tell your dh "I am sick of your mum ruling my weekends - sort it out!"

Tell her to piss off give you some space and you want moving to be a family thing, as in.. Not her! And also say that every other weekend will work better for you, so see you on... (Insert date here)
I hate people like that :(

Hmm. Your DH is being a wanker about it - and a coward.

I think that, rather than leave him and his mother to do the move together (bet it woudl take you several weeks, if not months, to find anything again), you should see if your parents can come over and help too. Safety in numbers, sort of thing.
If they can't, then yes, next best is that you and DD head off out for the day, because you don't want her under your feet while doing all the packing and lifting etc.! Make sure it's you that takes her out though.

And then after that, just schedule visits to your parents, other relatives, friends, people you've just met at the shops...

I wouldn't have her in the house or near my child if she was pulling that shit about secretly being your DD's real mother and all the undermining she does, tbh - she sounds like a nightmare.

MIL will go ape if I stop her Sunday visits

So what if she does? What are you frightened of? Don't you think DH will support you?

There's no way I would let a woman who puts me down, tells my own DD to ignore me, and tells DD that she is her mother (wtf?!) ruin my Sunday every week.

^^this! There's no reason whatsoever, not one, why you have to put up with this shit. Nobody can make you. It's your home & your child & you don't EVER have to entertain MIL in the absence of DH if you don't want to.

"MIL, you're not going to be able to stay overnight on Saturdays any more. It doesn't work for us".

"MIL, I need you to stop interfering when I tell DD off".

"MIL, I'm not prepared to have you tell DD that you are her mum. Don't be so daft".

"MIL, we're going to cut down these w'end visits to once a month. I want to do other things on a Sunday".

Let her go bloody ape if she wants.

"MIL, I'm sorry you're not happy about this but it's my weekend too & it's my home & that's what's going to be happening. Now fuck off, you loon ."

for god's sake, move and don't tell her where....run far, and run fast!

and I'd not be that keen to take dh either tbh.... wanker!

DH just txt saying he was on a break so I rang DH at work and told him I don't want MIL here every weekend and that he needs to sort it out. He said he would talk to me when he finishes as he is busy I feel like I've just been giving the brush off.

This is your life and every moment of stress impacts on you long term. There are necessary, unavoidable stresses in life (moving home, bereavement etc) and completely unnecessary ones (MIL!) that you could take every route to avoid.
I think I just have that famous redhead temper and would need to say something to her. If your DH isn't backing you up then he has to understand he'll be part of the fallout over this. Please, please sit her down and tell her that she's welcome to come round on the occasional Saturday OR Sunday but that staying over night is no longer an option. It will be scary and difficult but imagine how great you'll feel having stuck up for yourself? How she reacts is entirely up to her...you can't MAKE anyone feel anything.

And while your DH SHOULD feel a moral obligation to sort out his overbearing mother, you don't need to wait for him to do it.

This is your w/end, he's not even there. You don't need to argue with him about it - just bloody TELL him that you're not having his mum there & you're going to let her know that.

If he won't support you at all, then he's the bigger problem, not her.

I think he feels guilty - it was always just MIL and him growing up. I'm going to ring her when I know she isn't at work.
Does anyone know what that book is that everyone recommends on here for not giving into guilt?

I think Joysmum's suggestion is brilliant.

He won't spend his days off with her so this is now his problem, He has Mondays and Wednesdays. She can pick one of them.

Let her go ape. Once she's done it and you haven't given in, then she can't manipulate you anymore.

It's your fear that keeps you under her control. And the fact your DH is relying on the fact that you won't go ape - well get in there and start going ape yourself!

If you aren't seeing your family then start being out with them when she's due round for starters. If your DH doesn't want to spend time with her, why should you have to>

Goodness me - take control love. Be out when she comes round, and let her go ape. She does not own you.

I've just hung up on MIL. I told her that we would have to switch her days from sunday to wednesday and she wouldn't be sleeping over anymore as it wasn't working for us. She started screaming down the phone "WHEN WILL I SEE MY FUCKING GRANDCHILD?!!!" After school dickhead!

You poor poor thing. Easier said than done. As your DHs mother he must take responsibility for your happiness where his DM is concerned.

Start by talking to him when hes not at work face to face and you have his full attention.

Tell him you are not willing for the current arrangement to continue.

Tell MiL face to face that next weekend you wont be home so will see her on x date.

Good luck

I'm shaking, I'm such a baby. evil witch

Somersetlady - I already called

DH is going to be really cross when he gets home. She's probably on the phone to him now telling him how much of a cow I am. What should I do now? I'm seriously starting to think she is mentally unstable (her behavior and the way she lives)