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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

MIL Problems.

72 replies

AurorasDownTheRabbitHole · 16/03/2014 16:40

My problems with MIL is as follows:
~She comes EVERY Sunday (original excuse was to see her son and GC but now DH works full time she still insists on her weekly visit)
~She puts me down all the time. (I've started to give it back or call her on it but it's slowly getting worse)
~MIL brings a present every week for my 4yo DD. (£40 worth of disney crap that my DD is starting to expect)
~MIL says she has to sleep over on saturday nights and stay all of sunday in my DDs room on her blow up bed (then will complain about how little sleep she gets!)
~She constantly tells my DD to ignore me and says "you are taking it too far" when I tell my DD off for something.
~MIL keeps telling my DD that she is secretly her mum but uses very sarcastic language when I tell her to stop.

Now my DH is at work on a Sunday - I can't go and see my family (they're at work during the week until late so weekends are the only time I get). I used to be able to go when my DH wasn't at work so he could spend some time with his mother alone but now I can't.

What do I do? If I can't stop her visits I need to be able to handle her better. MIL will go ape if I stop her Sunday visits/

OP posts:

sykadelic · 16/03/2014 19:20

~~Edit - Could you do something fun after MIL visits (either that night or that weekend) to draw the attention from her and back to "fun family time"? Maybe picking DVD's or baking, or other fun activities?

purplebaubles · 16/03/2014 19:25

My MIL is like this. Indeed, she also had a screaming fiasco on the phone to me....back in September! Hasn't spoken to me, or seen me since. Sadly, hasn't seen DD since either, so do be prepared for that.

I also think MIL is mentally unbalanced/got issues. She was a crazy loon on the phone to me that time!

Indeed, MIL hasn't spoken to DH for the last five weeks!

Some people are weird!

RandomMess · 16/03/2014 19:30

So glad your dh has stuck up for you, hope the Wednesdays work out well him!

CheckpointCharlie · 16/03/2014 19:33

Wow, well done OP, you have done it!

She does indeed sound like a loon. And well done to DH for standing up to her and backing you.

Sod the tea, have a from me.

Pimpf · 16/03/2014 19:44

Yay! I was getting crosser and crosser with you mil and dh as I was reading but am very happy he's stuck up for you.

How dare she demand to sleep over. Fuck off!

Pimpf · 16/03/2014 19:46

Purple, why is it sad she hasn't seen dd? Look it another way, she hasn't had chance to manipulate your dd and put her through this shit, a good thing surely?

BillyBanter · 16/03/2014 19:50

Good for him. Did she accept it from him?

Hopefully things will go better for you from now on.

domoarigato · 16/03/2014 19:56

I have a problematic MIL too. I assure you however that if I was in your position I would not give a rat's butt whether I removed the privilege of her coming around on a Sunday. If she insists on coming, leave the house to go see your family before she gets there. One of the reasons she is being a humungous bitch is that she doesn't think that you'll stop her coming over. She'll have a rude awakening when you do. Sometimes I don't know who MILs think they are. For one, they register themselves rather too highly in the order of people in the family. What it is is that your DH use to put MIL at the top... now it's DC, you (AKA his family) and then her. MILs can't usually handle this cold fact. Stupid really.

HypodeemicNerdle · 16/03/2014 19:58

Yey well done OP. Glad to hear that your DH is supporting you. It sounds like she was taking over over your life.

ArtisanScotchEgg · 16/03/2014 20:08

Whoop whoop As in 95% of MIL issues, it was really a DH issue and now he's massively stepped up and sorted it. Fantastic result.

purplebaubles · 16/03/2014 20:15

pimpf I just feel sad that she now has no contact with an entire side of her family. I don't give a toss. Don't care if I never see the woman again!! Hard to explain really. Plus, I have no idea what MIL is saying to relatives on that side (DD's great grandparents for eg), no doubt that it's all me who's the bad evil witch!

But you're right about one thing, I wouldn't trust her with DD on her own anyway, so as DD gets older it's a good thing she doesn't have to spend time with someone so bloody deranged!

bumbumsmummy · 16/03/2014 20:20

It's terrible you need to grow a spine n tell her to piss right orf

Your DH is being a coward n arsehole tell him his mothers visits need to stop or you will make sure she visits on his days off

As for your home move pay the extra and get pickfords to pack and move for you that way she won't be needed

I really feel for this woman sounds horrendous

Littlefish · 16/03/2014 20:26

bumbumsmummy - I don't think you've read the OP's latest message. She's spoken to her MIL and her DH has completely backed her up. Check further up!

Pimpf · 16/03/2014 20:30

I think what's sad purple is that your dd doesn't have a. Normal, loving, caring grandmother, not that she doesn't see this nasty witch!

twizzleship · 16/03/2014 23:33

Let her go ape. Once she's done it and you haven't given in, then she can't manipulate you anymore. My thoughts exactly!

seeing as hubby has transferred the responsibility of dealing with any problems to you....i would take that responsibility willingly and with courage and rearrange the situation so that it best serves you and your children. afterall, when (and how often) do YOU as a family get to spend quality time together? When and how often do YOUR parents get to see their grandchildren? In order to try and balance it all out it may be that extended family get one weekend each for each visits and the other two are yours to do with as you please.

standing up for yourself and THEN standing your ground can be very difficult...but you've got to take care of your family and something is having a negative impact on your family then it's down to you as the parents to deal with it. I'd pull your husband up on it too...he can't choose not to get involved - especially when it's HIS mother! The coward!

chin up...stay strong..and look forward to some good times!

Thumbwitch · 17/03/2014 00:11

Fantastic result, Auroras! Well done for taking the bull by the horns in the first place, and what a bloody relief that your DH decided to stand up for you and your DD against his somewhat erratic mother [being polite here]

Now you just all have to stick to it. And watch out for her having sudden "health issues", especially anything vaguely heart related. It's an extremely common tactic...

Valdeeves · 17/03/2014 05:17

Well done! She sounds horrendous - she wants to stay with you as she is lonely and needs some control in her life.
Your husband sounds weak here - sort him out. He should calling her himself! You were also mad to have her stay every Saturday night - learn to say "no."

innisglas · 17/03/2014 06:10

Well done!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/03/2014 07:11

Hi Auroras,

re your comment:-

"He basically said it would be best if she stayed away for a while and when she is ready to say sorry to me then he will let her see our DD on a wednesday after school when he is present".

Glad to see that your DH stepped up here - but he needs to be aware as do you that such people never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions. She will not say sorry.

Your MIL needs to become persona non gratis in your home, she cannot keep visiting and chucking presents at your child, also this woman has been telling your DD that she is secretly her mum!.

Again it is not your fault your MIL is like this.

The best thing you can do for your DD is to keep her away from emotionally manipulative grandparents. She does not need this in her life.

You are perfectly within your rights to cease all contact; your DD does not have to be further enmeshed in such manipulation shown to her also by her grandmother. Some people really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren. This woman has and will go onto cause further damage to your own family unit if she is let back in. If your DH wants a relationship with her, that is okay but this does not mean to say that you and your DD should meekly follow. I would also watch out now for MIL to have a previously unknown health scare.

Original poster

AurorasDownTheRabbitHole · 17/03/2014 08:05

I'm pleased I posted on here. I thought I was going to burst with frustration. Mil has been on the phone mouthing off again but this time to dh. He's told her to stop ringing and hung up as she is acting like a banshee/nutcase BIL (who lives far, far away thanks to his mother) has just been on the phone to dh to say well done and told him to ignore mil for a while or she will only get worse.

Thanks for the replies (even the harsher ones) I feel like I do need to be braver for my DDs sake.

OP posts:

Joysmum · 17/03/2014 08:19

I'm so glad things have worked out. Just be careful that neither of you let your boundaries slide again for whatever reason.

Chances are she play every trick in the book to reassertion herself by whatever method she can.

She needs both of you to be calm and consistent and clearly set and maintain those boundaries. If you are wishy washy or not 100% committed that will cause more discord and upset to all of you.

oldgrandmama · 17/03/2014 10:02

Well done, Auroras, and Auroras DH. Now, stick to your guns. And yes, she'll try every trick in the book - sudden illness, depression, bullying, bribing, screaming hysterics, presents, guilt-tripping - to restore the awful routine. Be prepared.

The way she's behaved - sleeping in room with your child, saying she's her 'real mum', is just toxic and wicked. I think were it me, I wouldn't want her to have ANY contact, ever again. She can't possibly be any sort of decent influence on a child.

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