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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL Problems.

72 replies

AurorasDownTheRabbitHole · 16/03/2014 16:40

My problems with MIL is as follows:
~She comes EVERY Sunday (original excuse was to see her son and GC but now DH works full time she still insists on her weekly visit)
~She puts me down all the time. (I've started to give it back or call her on it but it's slowly getting worse)
~MIL brings a present every week for my 4yo DD. (£40 worth of disney crap that my DD is starting to expect)
~MIL says she has to sleep over on saturday nights and stay all of sunday in my DDs room on her blow up bed (then will complain about how little sleep she gets!)
~She constantly tells my DD to ignore me and says "you are taking it too far" when I tell my DD off for something.
~MIL keeps telling my DD that she is secretly her mum but uses very sarcastic language when I tell her to stop.

Now my DH is at work on a Sunday - I can't go and see my family (they're at work during the week until late so weekends are the only time I get). I used to be able to go when my DH wasn't at work so he could spend some time with his mother alone but now I can't.

What do I do? If I can't stop her visits I need to be able to handle her better. MIL will go ape if I stop her Sunday visits/

OP posts:
Hassled · 16/03/2014 17:26

Good for you. Now stick to your guns - even if she was the nicest woman in the world, this level of contact is unnecessary.

PoppyField · 16/03/2014 17:28

Well done Aurora! You were brave and it sounds like you did it! Have a cup of tea to celebrate!

Horsemad · 16/03/2014 17:28

OP, is she your keeper? Of course not!

So stand your ground now you've made that call and DO NOT back down.

If your DH doesn't support you, give him a talking to also.

YOU have all the control here, not MIL.

PoppyField · 16/03/2014 17:29

p.s. she sounds delightful

SliceOfLime · 16/03/2014 17:29

Well done Auroras ! Stick to it. And tell her that if she tells your dd that she's her mum, she has to leave. Straight away. Hope you're feeling ok now!

ScarletStar · 16/03/2014 17:29

Oooh well done!! Seriously well done. Grin What a loony though! Do you want someone that unstable round your kid? Tell DH he can take your DD round to hers for supervised visits in future.

LoonvanBoon · 16/03/2014 17:29

Sorry you got such a vile response, aurora. She is an abusive bully.

As to her question, I'd be tempted to respond (via DH): "You will see your grandchild only when you can keep a civil tongue in your head & behave like a reasonable human being".

I doubt if she's a very positive influence in your DD's life, TBH, going on what you've said.

SliceOfLime · 16/03/2014 17:30

If your dh is cross then he is being unreasonable. Please don't back down whatever he says!

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/03/2014 17:31

Good on you. Don't let her bully you. Sigh heavily and say 'after school?'. Or 'when you learn to act like an adult not a toddler'.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/03/2014 17:32

And who cares if he is cross; he should have sorted it himself.

AngelinaCongleton · 16/03/2014 17:34

Wow! That's so great you told her. Perfect. The fall out cannot be worse than what you've had to put up with already.

zipzap · 16/03/2014 17:36

I suspect your dh is probably quite happy with things the way they are as mil gets to see your dd and do her visiting without him having to be there for the majority of the visit. If you stop the arrangement the she's going to start nagging him and he's going to have to give up more time to see her - and then get grief from you as either he's not spending time with you as a family or mil is around and ruining things.

So currently he just gets grief from you, not both of you...

Talk to dh when he comes home and make him see how untenable the situation is. Use the move as a natural break point so that going forward mil won't have the same access to you, your family or the new house once you are in there.

Start by saying she is not helping as last time she made the whole process more difficult and traumatic. Or if she ends up there, do you trust her to keep your dd occupied whilst you and your dh unpack?

If she always arrives on a Saturday afternoon/night, can you arrange to tell her you won't be there next week - and then not be there? So even if she does get there, she can't get in (please say she doesn't have a key).

Definitely keep your dd in the room you have planned for her - sounds a perfect plan to remove the dodgy granny sleepover element - at least the bit for your dd. And tell you dd that granny is being ridiculous when she says that she is her real mummy - because if she was then dd would be daddy's sister and as old as daddy, which she's a lovely little girl whose daddyis her daddy. and that granny is too old to have babies so that's another reason she is not your mum.

Divinity · 16/03/2014 17:36

Give your DH a quick call or txt to warn him that you offered wed but she's not happy. That way he can deflect her call rather than come back to you.

Chottie · 16/03/2014 17:37

Well done Aurora. Does your MiL swear in front of your DD?

If your OH kicks off, remind him you have not said that MiL can't see DD, just that you cannot be expected to have every Sunday for the rest of life booked up to see her. You would like to see your parents (who are also DDs GP) and also other friends and family.

You can do it! Stay strong and firm :) Do not shout, swear or raise your voice. Be calm and reasonable and keep repeating the above to both MiL and OH like a broken record.

zipzap · 16/03/2014 17:56

Xposted with your phone call post.

Well done on the call - that was an amazing thing to do Thanks

So what if dh doesn't like it - he wasn't the one that was having to suffer your mil's visits. I hope he is going tone there on a weds!

I'd just text your dh and say great news - arranged with you mum for her to visit on weds instead of Sunday's - and leave it as bland as that. If you'd been talking about changing them then add 'as we discussed'. Then - leave it. You've told dh about it, you have just been very factual and he really can't complain.

Enjoy your new found bit more freedom from mil!

Groovee · 16/03/2014 18:10

What's your dh's day off? I'd be arranging to be out and leave him to deal with his mother.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/03/2014 18:21

Your DH likely knows what his toxic mother is really like and now needs to back you fully. He seems very afraid of her and probably even now still seeks her approval. He has not wanted to rock the boat either.

Guilt is a useless emotion so forget guilt. You think your MIL has felt any guilt for swearing at you down the phone?. Not a chance; she likely feels still hard done by. Such disordered people do this; your MIL is not at all emotionally healthy and is bad for you all. She has been used to getting her own way.

BTW such people never apologise nor will accept any responsibility for their actions. I would soon expect a previously unknown health scare or one of her "winged monkeys" to tell you that you are and have been completely unreasonable here to this "poor woman".

It is not your fault she is like this; you did not make her this way and her own birth family did that lot of damage to her.

MIL needs to be cut off from you also because she is being a very poor influence on your child; the incessant gift giving and her apparent insistence on her being called your DDs mother is more than enough reason to call time on any future contact. She needs to be kept well apart from your family unit.

Some grandparents really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren; your MIL falls into that category.

I would suggest you read Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

Original poster
AurorasDownTheRabbitHole · 16/03/2014 18:57

Had a good talk to DH he is fuming.... with her. He basically said it would be best if she stayed away for a while and when she is ready to say sorry to me then he will let her see our DD on a wednesday after school when he is present. I'm going to see my friend on a wednesday now - so I don't even have to see her. He also told her it wasn't normal to want to sleep in DDs room every week nor is it normal to treat me like she does. DH said enough is enough and I agree.

Thanks for the replies, I feel a lot lighter.

OP posts:
LoonvanBoon · 16/03/2014 19:04

Great news that your DH can see what's going on & is supporting you. Well done to you both!

hamptoncourt · 16/03/2014 19:05

OP I am so glad your DH has stood up for you, this is so important in resolving the issue.

Just minimise contact with the old cow and don't let her wriggle her way back in to how things were before.

With any luck she will not apologise and then you can all stay away from her toxic clutches - YAY!!!

Catnuzzle · 16/03/2014 19:07

It's fab when they come through for you, isn't it! Glad your DH has done the right thing and well done for sticking up for yourself.

kentishgirl · 16/03/2014 19:09

Yay for you and DH! Keep tacking this as a team and she'll either have to back down and stop acting like such an arse if she still wants contact, or she'll go nuts and cut off contact herself. Win-win for you.

PigletJohn · 16/03/2014 19:11
Dawnywoo · 16/03/2014 19:15

I had a MIL like this. DP wouldnt support me or didnt have the balls to go against her. It made me ill and broke us up.
Please sort it or it will do the same to you. Good luck.
For what its worth, I am happy now.

sykadelic · 16/03/2014 19:19

Excellent news!

Next issue is the presents and her trying to have influence over your DD. You could either

  1. Stop except birthdays/Christmas (this could result in her getting large elaborate presents to show you up)
  2. You could do a "presents in, presents out" rule
  3. Let it go

Personally I'd go with the "presents in, presents out". Lowers clutter and your DD will eventually have to decide if getting regular presents works for her when she's constantly having to get rid of stuff (she's 4 so maybe not yet, but eventually).

I definitely think the visits need to be shorter as well. That "I'm your mum" stuff would REALLY tick me off!