What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

but why does she even need an annulment?! This only matters if she is a Muslim and wishes to marry again in a Muslim ceremony. She isn't, and doesn't and her 'marriage' means nothing at all - it is no bar to her marrying someone else legally tomorrow.

" It takes up so much of my emotional energy that I feel I don't have enough to deal with other stuff properly - like shitty days at work. I don't know why I don't have the strength of character to just walk away."

Because I think you fear loneliness and you struggle with your confidence. I think you were lonely when you met him, thought you'd missed the marital boat, heard what you wanted to hear & invested all your pent-up romantic hopes and dreams in him prematurely. It is nice to have someone to share problems with but not at any price. You're effectively paying him to show an interest in you, you've rationalised his de facto bachelor lifestyle as a cultural thing, you've rationalised this fake wedding as religiously binding, and you accept a bar of chocolate in return thinking that's OK.

Please talk to your family and tell them the truth. You are an intelligent woman, you know this is all wrong and with support you can find a way out.

OP doesn't need one in law. I don't believe she does. I think everybody on this thread believes she is not legally married, including OP. But she feels she made a promise, etc. As much as I'd like her next post to say something like 'right. out now. WTF was I thinking?!?' I'm pointing out that DesertFox made a good case for extricating herself, even given her extra self-imposed constraints.

Going to the mosque for clarification and to annul the promise would probably give you more closure than simply walking away from this man.
But you can still do it.

Was there anyone else at the wedding? Any of his friends?

It looks like you need counselling to figure out why you ended up with him, are staying with him, are so reluctant to cut ties with him and prevent it from happening again.

Hmm. Well personally I think that a marriage in the eyes of Islam only has not served her well so far, and I don't think it's healthy or helpful for her to be encouraged to believe it has any validity at all, and it certainly doesn't help to put her at the mercy of cleric's decision in order for her to feel she is divorced.

I actually feel quite annoyed that she should be told to seek the approval or advice of a Muslim cleric before she can be truly free, and for 'peace of mind.' What happens if she gets a cleric who tells her to go back to her husband and stop making a fuss over nothing?

She is already struggling with knowing her own mind as it is. She doesn't need any more pressure put on her to 'do the right thing' in the eyes of Islam when her Muslim 'husband' has clearly not done the right thing by her. Any advice that lends weight to the supposed validity or this ridiculous 'marriage' will just make it harder for the OP to leave it. Bizarrely, she still seems to think she has some sort of responsibility to him and to her vows.

You did however enter into a contract so I would not advice you just to walk away simply because you are not Muslim.

Why on earth would you not advise it? What possible problems could there be?

Get the divorce properly for your own peace of mind.

She doesn't need a divorce 'properly' because she is not married 'properly.'

Unless she is a devout Muslim wishing to remarry to another devout Muslim I see absolutely no benefit whatsoever in her taking fox's advice. I only see opportunities for other people to convince her she should stay where she is.

I second that, Holly.

But this bloke isn't a devout muslim!

Playing billiard/snooker? These places usually have alcohol on the premises. He's not supposed to be in them.

Pressuring you to convert? That's against islam too.

As is taking money from a woman.

This guy doesn't love you, he really doesn't.

Fwiw, if we 'spend a lot of time thinking about leaving' it means we most definitely should.

I lived in a predominantly islamic country. My ex was a shit husband, and judging on the society's view on women, so was every other H I saw.

I'm sure there are decent Arabic husbands. I haven't actually seen one yet though.

Don't seek advice from a cleric. Most of them are full of it too.

Just stop giving him money, and tell him it's over.

I have a friend who is married to a muslim. She converted.

As far as I know he is very much a devout muslim and he loves her very much. He is a family man and he is a very different man to this.

Thinking about it, if this man really wanted a proper marriage, he'd cohabit with you and he'd have married you legally in the registry office as well.
You really are free to terminate this relationship any time you want.

If you really feel you need to get a muslim divorce, then seek one, eventually.
But stop contact and any relationship with this man now.

Oh and anna I do apologise for talking about you as though you are not here. It's just unavoidable when directly commenting on things others have said.

Are you a practising, pious Christian? In that case your nikah might be tolerated. If you do not go to church your nikah would be frowned upon in Islam.

If you feel strongly bound to religious ceremony and belief then you need to get advice from that source. Speak to a reliable, trustworthy religious representative of your faith or his; in a multi-faith community, both will know about the other faith. Just make sure that the person is in no way connected to your boyfriend. Go to another town; ask several unrelated people. Prepare well for the visit, e.g. write the whole story down and read from it, or just give it to them, so that you do not bottle out from embarrassment.

Leaving him does not mean being unkind to him. It does not make you a bad person. Good people have to make difficult decisions and do hard things; it is the way you go about it that makes the difference. He will probably make a big fuss and call you names or accuse you of being evil, but you cannot trust what he says at all. Here, it will help if you have moral backup from a religious figure you trust.

Everything HollyWhiteAlwaysWearsAHat said.

If you go to a mosque for advice, are they likely to try 'marriage' counselling? Not worth the risk.

Please, just walk away.

Now.

OP this doesn't really sound like a marriage. Only you can know if you are happy or not in this situation, and given that you have posted about it, it sounds like you are not. If you love him, and it sounds like he has some redeeming qualities in that he treats you well when you spend time together etc, you need to think what you want from the relationship and see if he is willing to give it to you.
What your marriage is like and what is tolerable to you is completely subjective and essentially up to you, but it sounds like the situation you are in is his design.
My husband is Arab and I have many friends married to Arab men, who are reliable and responsible family men. There are cultural differences, but what you are describing does not fall into that category, IMHO.

If the only thing at his flat is your toothbrush how do you know you are the only one giving him £150 per week. He could have 2 or 3 others on the go all giving him various sums of money.

I can probably guess where abouts you are and the small Islamic cafes come and go. How long before he goes bankrupt and comes to you to bail him out.

Leave now and for god sake stop giving him money.

He is probably really nice at times because he has to keep his income stream going. I think you need to take the Rose tinted spectacles off and realise you are in effect paying him for going round to his flat for sex and a few nice words when it suits.

I don't know what to say - stuff just seems to be going round and round in my head. My thoughts are:

He's not all bad - he is often very sweet and loveable. He's the first person that I turn to when I feel sad. Last night it was all I could do not to get in my car and go and see him to have a good blart. Struck by the irony of the situation I stayed home and cried into my pillow.

He didn't stop me from telling my family. Originally when I met him I did tell them that I was seeing him. My mother had a 1000 fits and all my brother kept saying was has he got a passport, is he after money? So eventually I stopped talking about him. I always thought that when things were right ( ie we lived together etc) i would tell them, but as I've got more uncomfortable about the situation the more difficult it became. They don't ask questions so I don't say anything.

A couple of months ago I told him that I was going to go to the mosque to talk to the imam about whether I should expect more as a "Muslim" wife. He got very angry.

He has never gone back to his birth country (Palestine) and I think he will never be able to although he would love to. He went from there to Iraq and came here when Palestinians were being killed there after the 2nd Gulf War. He has never been back to the Middle East. Last year he wanted to go to Egypt but got turned down for a visa. I truly believe that he has witnessed some awful things and that has left him " damaged" in some way.

anna, you need to think about what you want for yourself.

If your husband had told you, at the start, that this was what your marriage would be like, would you have done it? Are you happy with the situation? Do the advantages, what ever they are, outweigh the disadvantages?

It seems to me that he is using his identity as an Arab man to confuse you. In that, I mean that most Arab men do not treat their wives in this way, but because he is from a different culture, he has convinced you that this is normal for him. If he wasn't an Arab, would you accept this?

If you want to change the setup, do you think he would agree to it? And if not, can you live like this forever (or until he decides he wants something different)?

annaomar

You sound codependent as well which emotionally is not healthy either

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

You get nothing out of this relationship do you?. He has and continues to exploit you to his own ends.

my brother kept saying was has he got a passport, is he after money?

Your brother was right. He was after money.

Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no woman would want to be with them.

He may well have seen some dreadful things but that still does not excuse his awful treatment of you does it?. I actually think he is a con artist who has taken you for a real ride. Can you honestly believe anything he says or has told you?. It could be all lies. He respects you not a jot. You do realise as well that such conmen can and do take years to recover from.

What do YOU want OP to happen, where do you see yourself in say 3 months time; still with this man?.

You aren't married. He is your boyfriend. If you are happy with current arrangements, Carry on. If not, end it. This relationship though is stopping you actually marrying and having a family with someone else.

Good luck

It isn't your responsibility to make it up to him for the bad times he's had. Be understanding and supportive, by all means, but you can never make it all better for him. You can never wash away those bad times, and it isn't your job to do so.

Almost all women in relationships with abusive or dysfunctional men think they are 'broken' or 'damaged' and they think it's their job to cure them and heal them. It isn't, and you can't.

I truly believe he has witnessed some awful things and that has left him " damaged" in some way.

OP you talk about this man as if he is some vulnerable wounded animal or child that you can nurse back to health and live a Disney story with.

All your bountiful love and nurturing nature won't help. This is no way to have a relationship. You can't fix him. He doesn't need you in any emotional sense.

The amount of my friends who think they can mend men is ridiculous. There should be none of that in a relationship. And they are all miserable. You can't change someone or make them better.

If he has psychological issues as a result of what he has witnessed that needs to be dealt with by a professional. There is nothing you can do to help.

Sorry to sound harsh but it is the truth. You seem very nice and it is not easy to read how you are being taken advantage of. He is taking you for a ride, and I hope you find a way out of this situation. You deserve to be treated better.

And tbh he sounds like he gets on just fine without you.

It sounds like your mum and brother are worried about you and want you to be happy. Their reaction was one of worry. I bet you could go crying to them. The ice would soon be broken and you would all feel much better.

Of course your partner got angry at the idea that an imam might say you were not being treated properly by Muslim standards. Your partner was afraid you would find out that Muslims should not act like that.

If your partner is so damaged by his past that he cannot have a healthy relationship, he needs a counsellor. Not a vulnerable woman who enables his bad behaviour. You are not helping him to get better; you are helping him to have an unhealthy relationship. It is bad for you. If he really wants a healthy relationship, then this situation is bad for him, too. He is able to follow his basest instincts and treat a person who should be his nearest and dearest like dirt. You are allowing him to do that. If he is going to become a better person you need to stop allowing him to be such an awful person.