What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

Are you familiar with the cycle of abuse?
He's being nice now because he knows you are distancing yourself. And he wants something from you. Money.
He still doesn't want to live together or share a proper life with you, does he?
Don't be fooled.

And I do many things for my friends, but I don't lend them my car. I may offer rides, but I don't go out of my way to ensure they get to their jobs. It's their responsibility.
I wouldn't to my siblings, unless in very exceptional circumstances.

Do stop all contact with him. Can you chance your phone numbers or block him?

He knows you are drawing away and he cannot count on you for money/sex/anything else he happens to want. So he is being nice. He is trying to reel you in again, plop you back into your little box and get back to how things were when he got whatever he wanted from you without having to do anything to deserve it.

Don't lend him your car.
Don't give him lifts.

He has all these friends with whom he socialises without you, who can do all that for him.

DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY.

This is, as Lweji says, the cycle of abuse. MrNice and MrNasty. If you get back in you will get MrNasty back more quickly than he appeared before, as the imperative motivation for him is to get back his little slave and cash cow.

It really would be a good idea if you blocked him on your phone, emails, facebook, everything.

please cut all your contact.
see your friends, family, etc. turn your attention to something else.
otherwise you will be wasting your energy, your time, your money, your life for him. you wasted/lost a lot already. he will never change and he will always need something from you, giving back nothing.
in the future when you look back you will really regret.

you can meet somebody nice in the future, but if you continue contact you will lose that chance, too.

If this was a relationship at this point he'd be telling you how much he loved you, wanted to be together etc. not that he's moving away and skint!

I wobbled too. It actually took two goes to go because I felt like I didn't yet deserve to go. I thought he was owed a chance.

i told him iwanted to leave. He shrugged. it was onky when iwas waiting by thefront door for my taxi to the airport that he took me seriously. He cried. He begged. He promised. i caved.

he was nice for 6 weeks but then back to his old ways again.

stupidly, I had given him the 75% refund I'd got on the ticket, bought with money my mum had sent me by Western union. He said he'd make up the missing 25% and send it to my mum from his bank account.

ten years later he still has that money. After I left he admitted he spent it on new tyres for his car.

About 3 months later I realisednothing had changed. I'd been a fool so mum sent me money again via western union and this time I gave him no warning I was going so he couldn't sweet talk or guilt me into staying.

Unfortunately that was when I discovered I had no exit visa so I had to get his permission to leave the country. it was his friends who told him he would be a monster for keeping me trappedin his country. He did then sign the papers. By this time I had come to my senses. I realised I owed him NOTHING anymore. he'd had his chances. I gave so much of myself and got so little in return. He owed ME and I was now ready to cancel his debt and walk away.

stop trying to be reasonable. he does not appreciate it. He WOULD NOT do the same for you, believe me. He just needs to figure out the minimum amount of charm or vulnerable to get you to doubt yourself.

Thirty thousand pounds is a huge amount of money to give. There must be no more money, no loaning your car. Nothing. He is a man who works and is capable of earning a living to support himself. Draw the line Anna, and keep yourself physically busy. This must come to an end to give yourself the opportunity of a happy future.

I've had that shrug as well - it's very hurtful to think that someone could shrug you off and not look back. That is too difficult for me. I've given 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances.....

Anna, that man's not your friend.

Just stay strong, don't cave.

Please listen to fathertedfan - i went apoplectic when i read your latest. lend me your car and give me running money instead ...

no really, why wouldn't you? i so want to crush some loving sense into you, dear heart ... *and breathe ... you too ...

Anna, I haven't read the thread you mentioned, but I am willing to bet that most of the people posting on it are talking of things their partners/husband's do while they actually live together. So those guys are doing those things in addition to being a full-time live-in partner sharing everything day in and day out, not once or twice a week for a few hours.

Anyone can do a few nice things for someone else if they're not living together, don't spend extended time together over years, and only have to be nice for a short while.

Your (ex?) h doesn't even manage that though, does he? Despite the tiny amount of time you spend together, he is horrid to you.

It's very hurtful to think that someone could shrug you off and not look back

Yes, it certainly is - so since this waste of space is never going to provide what you want and deserve, there's not much point in staying in touch, allowing him to manipulate you over and over again

You've given him a fortune in money; naturally he won't want to see that dry up and will dredge up a few sob stories to keep it going, but his claim not to believe the amount he's had is, frankly, beneath contempt

I totally understand "the wobbles" but please, Anna - don't do this yourself again

Anna, please take in what other posters have said. You are a victim of a very calculating man. You have given him a fortune, your time, adoration and he still wants more. He has groomed you but you must see this from an outsiders point of view. He's a dirty rotten scoundrel and some more. How do you value yourself OP? Do you really think you can save him? You are worthy alright, but not for him, for someone who values you for what you are. This might sound horrible, but part of me wonders if you are trying to glean information for a book, script you are writing. I mean you are obviously highly intelligent and someone of mature years . If you were to be telling this story of a friend what would you honestly think?? Draw a line under this " never really happened marriage" because , well; it never really did exist did it OP?

This is my real life and my real feelings and emotions that I share and ask for advice about - it's not part of some weird concoction aimed to find information for a book or anything else. It has been very difficult for me to acknowledge my experience and write about it at MN, which is a very public forum. My family still don't know and at the moment I don't think I ever want them to. I'd be horrified if my work colleagues knew. I'm still coming to terms with a lot of what has been said here about the situation. I feel bereft - good job today was sunny because I've had to walk round in sunglasses all day to hide how much I've been crying. I don't want to believe what everyone is saying is true and I'd like to be able to forget about the whole thing, but it's never that easy, is it?

There are some very wise and good people who have answered my posts, and women here who have shared unhappy, painful experiences and memories. I appreciate the support I have received - honestly it has helped me to see things more clearly. I certainly wouldn't exploit or use any of that support for anything other than trying to find my way through a difficult time. I hope that no one else would either.

So sorry you had a bad day yesterday Anna. One day at a time. Please stay strong. Do you have any friends in RL who know about your situation and are supporting you? You have been doing so very well.

A big problem here is that you don't seem to have propõe to talk to.
It's all a big secret, and that is the first red flag about this relationship.
You don't want to talk about it with people because you know it's wrong. You can justify it to yourself, but can't manage to others.

I think you do need to talk about it in real life to someone, other than the awful counsellor.

Just reread my last post. Sorry I was so blunt. I am not saying your "relationship " didn't exist, but it is/was hardly a marriage whichever way you look at it.
The secrecy surrounding your knowing this man is not unlike joining a cult. I really think you have allowed yourself to be brainwashed. I also agree with Lweji, you need some real friends . Perhaps you have a problem making friends in the real world which is how you found yourself drawn into this fantasy relationship.
Why does it have to be a secret? You are free to marry anyone you choose regardless of their religion or even gender for that matter.
Is there a reason you were not married in the eyes of the law? Surely a foreign national would have everything to gain by being properly married to you.
Why don't you do something really nice for yourself today Anna? Take yourself off to somewhere you've fancied visiting but never been to. Try to make small talk with people, that's how friendships begin. It's only baby steps I know but it's a start.
Take Care x

Ups, "people to talk about" (wrong spell checker).

Anna, here's something you could try doing when you're mind is a little clearer: Make a list of all the nice things this man has done for you; not what he's said, but real selfless acts he's performed for which he has nothing to gain personally.

do you wonder what he is saying about you to his friends? can you guess?

But even if there is a nice list of good things he has done for you, then you have a list of bad things, and then the deal breakers.

He is reliant on your money, and asks for it, but won't live together, which would save a lot.
He wants his single life and spend lots of time with his "friends".
He is nasty to you when he doesn't get his own way.
You are having to keep this relationship a secret.
The bad things you haven't mentioned in this thread.
Hardly any sex.
That he's not done an effort to integrate properly, such as learning to read English better.

Is this the life partner you want?

The thing is though, you do know it is true really, or you wouldn't have posted in the first place. Of course you don't want to believe it. But you've actually done a lot better than some women, who never wake up and smell the coffee, or do so only after they are left bankrupt and alone while Mr Wonderful sprints off after the next meal ticket on legs. You've realised you're being treated badly even while it's still going on, while you're still in the full beam of his charm offensive. Try not to feel daft, as even better women than you (rare though they are ) have been taken in similarly. Some of the most beautiful, intelligent, famous, rich women in the world have fallen for a charming bastard, their dramas played out in glossy magazines for the public to paw over. Cut yourself some slack - and carve yourself a better life while you're at it. You really do deserve better than this. I hope you find it.

Agree with Annie. You've made a huge step by not contacting him.

I haven't seen him for a week. My counsellor has been brilliant, making me see the realities of this relationship (together with the dose of advice and common sense from the ladies on MN). Through his what's app he has said he "hates me" . He doesn't even know why I haven't contacted him - we just haven't spoken and I confess to feeling hurt that I can be cast off so quickly. My brain tells me to keep my head down and plough on through but I feel so so sad. I just want to sit and cry.

but it's not because you are unlovable. This had happened because he can't love.

the problem is not with you in this situation. You are a normal, feeling human being who feels love and compassion and empathy. you have just had the nisfortune to meet and be taken in by someone who is only able to fake these qualities. you've seen through the facade now, though.

You have done nothing wrong in trusting someone to have feelings like you do. And don't let this break your trust in others. There are quite a few people like your ex walking about - emotionally underdeveloped. psychopaths without the serial killing. They can be extremely charming (in fact, very often are) but not everyone is like that.

You are now free to find a good'un. After I left my version of your ex I dated two nice but not suitable men and then fell for a fantastic man, who is now father of my two dc.