What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

These kinds of men will always find someone whose heart bleeds for them. It's because you are a good person and you bought into the potential of your partner. But, as you realised , he did abuse that...

This was to be expected - he's hardly going to be happy to lose a source of money, so has produced some story to tug at the heart strings

Luckily, Anna, you're a bit wiser to that now (and you're getting wiser all the time) so hopefully you can dodge this latest try-on. Console yourself with the thought that he's almost certainly telling the same story to others, hoping that someone will fall for it ... but resolve that this person won't be you

For the future, I'd honestly suggest avoiding any further contact with him; he chose not to commit to you, so his life choices are now totally up to him

You are not rejecting a child, because he's not one.
He's an adult. He should act like one.

Do you want a partner or a son?

So that fact that he's ch

Childish means you feel like he's a child? No no no! He's a childish adult!

Dippydodah - how did you feel when your ex said these things? How did you remain strong? Did you feel guilty or that you were letting him down in someway? I keep going over in my mind that he can't be such a bad person, that maybe I have misjudged him, been too harsh in my criticisms. I don't think I have - there are things that I haven't written about on MN which show him to be quite a cruel person - but I still can't shake off the feeling that I am the one being mean. Sorry to be so pathetic, I'm not in a good place right now.

You are not being mean, Anna. He is wanting you to feel bad so that you will give him money.

He has a job, it's up to him to manage his finances. Maybe he'd have more money if he went out less!

Keep away from him, you are vulnerable and he knows that. Once he realises that you won't give in to him any more, he will move on to his next target.

Stay strong. You are hurting now, but it will get better with time.

If you fall for his sob story , you will end up in a much worse place than you are now. Don't go there.

When you are just coming out of the "fog" of a manipulative relationship, or abusive (what was that you can't write about?) you will have ups and downs. Please don't keep talking to him, or visiting him. That just gives him more effective ways of trying to control you for his benefit. Distance seems to be the clue here, and going no contact. He is going to have to adjust just as much as you are, and will probably move on to another woman who seems sympathetic.

So what if he DOES move? Let him go, if he can. He takes himself with him wherever he goes, so his problems won't change unless he changes himself.... just as you're trying to understand and change yourself.

Do stay strong, and congratulate yourself for each and every day you stay no contact, for each and every day you conquer your own fears or whatever tied you to him. You can do this!!

Look, you are a good person and you want to do good for people.
When we break up with anyone they will be hurt. There's no escaping that.
So, of course you will feel sorry for him, but you still have to leave him. Because the alternative is not good for you.

He is an adult, not a child and more specifically, not your child. If he has to sell his car, that's too bad. He's had plenty of time sponging off you to sort himself out but he has chosen not to.

The thing is OP, some people are users. They might not be 'bad' as such but they use people to get what they want or need and they have a full armory of manipulative tricks to do this. I think emotional blackmail/abuse is normal to them as it gets results! Remember you've been manipulated for a long time, its going to take a while to get free of these feelings.

You will get there, it will just take a bit of time.

Pretty much every abusive man has done the poor me act.
Even to the point of threatening suicide.
Don't fall for it.

The poor me story about the car is obviously to get you to give him more money. Ignore it. He is an adult and he can take care of himself. If he moves abroad, then that is his choice. Don't fall for his "pathetic" act. He is doing it to see if he can manipulate you into pandering to him again. If I were you, I'd stay away from him for a good while.

How did I feel? Like I was a little bit crazy, one minute seeing his abusiveness, the next believing his ranting, even having his condemnatory voice in my head, that I 'abandoned him when he had no one else in this country', that he 'sacrificed so much and did so much for me'. I would love, Anna, to tell you that I took a healthy backseat, got perspective and walked away. But I didn't, it took lots more 'reunions' then disappointments, rows, cruel words and deeds on his part, until I became very depressed. He still will pop up and blame me for his 'broken life' from time to time, but I have given up trying to change him or his perspective. I have had to accept that there is a charming, energetic, warm, strong and appealing side to him, but that is offset by the punitive mindset, cruel, self pitying, victim minded, secretive, misogynistic side of him.
I have to remind my self that I have to put myself (and dc ) first. It was probably having children with him that made me have to end it, as they were learning some negative behaviours. Who knows, if there were no children, maybe I would still be floundering about in crazy attempts to make him come good, at my expense.
I had to admit I was partly in love with his potential. That I had put many of his behaviours down to middle eastern ' culture' when they were actually excuses for bad behaviour. And that, ultimately, real love is not conditional, punitive or scary.
I really hope that you can free yourself from him. When those self doubts pop into your head, remind yourself of those things you could not post on MN, the bits that felt like you were going mad...and of the good qualities you have. And look forward x

FWIW OP, I think you are on the road to recovery. You've invested so much of your time, your love and your money and you are still living in hope that investment will pay off. You are not going to get quick answers; you will explore all the "why's and wherefores" ,and when you cannot delve any deeper you will soon accept that you have been a very unfortunate victim of a con artist.
I think he probably did have feelings for you, but not to the same degree that you feel for him. Yours was a co dependant "relationship". You need to realise that you are deserving of someone who can support you; emotionally, financially ( if need be) on a practical level.
We cannot change who a person is. He chose to treat you abysmally and you accepted this because he spun you a yarn which you believed.
You are not the only person in the world this has happened to you know.
You are a good and decent sort who only sees the good in folk and that is something of a rarity nowadays, but please be on your guard when you meet the next " too good to be true" guy, because you really don't want to have this happen to you again.

Sounds like a sham marriage. You just havent been told...

L.E.A.V.E. H.I.M.

Anna, stay strong. He is manipulating you as he always has. You are feeling mean because that's how he wants you to feel and he knows how to do it.

I can understand your feelings as this has been your 'programmed' response. But you n ow have new 'responses' telling you to react and feel different. So it is quite conflicting.

Your counsellor said his love was childish not that he was a child - please keep this clear.

I think you have come such a long way as you have said you can see how 'he is manipulating me' Now you have to figure out how to manage your conflicted feelings after 'seeing' him in a new light.

He was going to go away...did he mention taking you, show concern for you, ask you where you have been.

He is manipulating you into thinking he deserves your kindness. You do not need or have to be his rescuer. He is playing the victim. Cut off his ability to manipulate you.

anna I found this recently. It is a coping strategy for dealing with men like your OH. I am sorry it is so long but I hope you find it helpful.

Don’t disbelieve what’s happened – accept it – I know that it seems unbelievable, but it really did happen.

Don’t feel that you’re the only victim. It is quite possible that there were women before you, also possible that there were women at the same time and there will definitely be more women afterwards

Don’t compare his behaviour with normal feelings - how could he etc? He could because he can and unlike the majority of humanity, has no moral conscience.

Don’t think about the ‘relationship that you thought you had – it was never there. You gave your own, but he simply used you as a means to an end.

Don’t think that he did love you – accept that he never did – and sadly, he may not even have liked you. You were simply a commodity to be used to gain money, visa, sex etc

Don’t make excuses for him. He did what he did in a cold calculated deliberate way with no regards what-so-ever for you or your feelings

Don’t replay all those good times – they weren’t. It was all a charade – an act necessary to achieve his targets.

Don’t take it personally. This time it was you, but could quite well have been another woman. You as a person didn’t actually come into the equation.

Don’t blame yourself. You were a victim. As a decent person you assumed that he was also a decent person

Don’t feel guilty – he won’t. It’s not your fault that you were duped – conned. He was the perpetrator and you rightly believed the situation to be genuine.

Don’t be ashamed – these men are professional at manipulating women. You are not a fool. You are not a mug. It has happened to thousands of women, because they are decent individuals.

Don’t ask ‘’how could he do such a thing, he knows how unhappy/sad/depressed I had been recently?’’ The fact that you were vulnerable made you more attractive as a victim – easier to manipulate.

Don’t try to analyse the situation – you’ll never make sense of it. Decent people will never be able to understand how any other human being can be so unfeeling and immoral.

Don’t seek for the things that you did wrong – could have done better. Nothing that you could have said or done will have resulted in him treating you in an acceptable way. That is not how they work.

Don’t dream about the ‘if only it were true’ scenario – it never was and never would be. That is not their aim.

Don’t torture yourself with thoughts of other future women/relationships. They would and will be there and you’ll never change that.

Don’t be tempted by second chances. If he has done it once, he will do it again, but the second time you will be a softer target. You will literally give him the go-ahead to continue.

Don’t add up all the money you invested in the relationship – console yourself with what you can do with your spare cash now.

Don’t think of getting the money back – you won’t – ever.

Don’t give in to blackmail – let him do his worst – post his videos etc. Your friends – the people who matter - will be there for you

Don’t tolerate threats against you and or your loved ones. Try to record if possible and inform the police.

Don’t believe his threats of the ‘Mafia’ that all live in England and will go to ‘sort your family out’. They don’t exist and if they did and they would no doubt be too busy with their own scams.

Don’t believe that his family loved you and welcomed you. If they appeared to it was because they also saw you as a target for money/visa.

Don’t show that you are hurt, devastated, if in contact with him or mutual friends. If you do he will see this as a sign of weakness and move in again for the kill.

Don’t listen to any messages from his family, friends, colleagues etc. Irrespective of what they say, they will be securely on his side.

Don’t accept offers of support or friendship from his friends who criticize his behaviour. They are like jackals moving in to take advantage of the weak.

Don’t hate him – this will only poison your future. He’s not worth that – he’s a total nothing – of no consequence.

Don’t keep wishing ‘if only’. It happened and you survived – treat it as an education.

Get a little stronger every day
Get angry
Get professional help as you are doing
Value yourself
Block! Delete! Ignore!

No no no no no. This is not a marriage. he is taking the piss. Get out now and save your sanity.

I haven't read the full thread but your post makes me recognise my exh. He wasn't Arab but he was arab-asian mix, though I don't think ethnicity explains his behaviour or is normal for men of guys background.

I loved in his country and he lived as a single man while msrried to me. I began suspecting other women (found condoms in his wallet and a box in the spare room, late nights out, sometimes all night. events and parties I wasnt invited to, dodgy browser history.)

whenever I tried to discuss these things he would go apeshit at me.

He then started to accuse me of affairs and Rand my boss at work to shout at him fire lettibg me sleep around with my colleagues (a real WTF moment for everyone at my office).

I left him and his country with great difficulty (I couldn't get an exit via without his permission) but leave I did. It was when I realised that it actually no longer even MATTERED whether he had another woman. He was already behaving as though he did. his absence from the marriage was already real so why was I looking for evidence of infidelity? What did it matter? I was lonely as fuck.

After I left I discovered his uncle had taken him aside and said: no one treats their wife this way.

his mother had also been snooping and discovered a woman had been pursuing him and had to be told to back off because he is married, but she doesn't know whether she heeded that warning.

I also discovered a deeply misogynistic side to his character after I left (using status symbols to attract beautiful women, then calling them stupid, materialistic sluts for sleeping with him. total arse. If ever there was a shallow materialist it was him - a huge incompatibility between us)

I managed to get out of the country and back to uk eventually and haven't looked back. He was not worth. my time.

forgot to add:leave. You won't regret it.

Anna, you have grown so much since your first post. The journey back to the healthy 'you' that you were is underway. :D

Yes it'll be hard sometimes, but I promise it will get better and better.

Keep talking to us, keep strong, we're all here for you!

You've done the hardest thing..admitting to yourself that he has treated you this badly.. And talking about it here and in RL. He hasn't treated you well, no one deserves what he gave you.

Hope the counselling enables you to look more directly at your relationship with him and how it wasn't really what you thought it was or what you wanted.

I am having a wobbly day. I am trying very hard to resist the urge to go and see him. I have seen him this week - he's been so sweet and nice to me. I just feel my heads all messed up and I don't know what's true and what isn't anymore. He told me the other day he wanted to start a business on his own so I told him that I'd given him at least £30,000 over the last 3 years. He looked shocked and didn't believe me. He definitely sold his car - to pay his rent he said which means he can't get to work, can't get to the cash and carry etc. my urge is to lend him my car. Wouldn't you do that for a friend? I'm trying to think of the shitty things he's done to me but I read a thread on here yesterday about the things a good partner would do for you and he ticks most of the boxes. As I said, I feel like I've stopped being able to see what's real and what isn't. I've just re-read your post NuttellaLawson - it struck a chord with me, I know exactly what you mean when you said you felt lonely as fuck but also feel so guilty to think he might be feeling let down or that the person he depended on isn't there being dependable. Sorry about the stream of consciousness - I'm feeling really tired and low.