What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

Hope you're ok OP. Have you heard from your H yet? Hopefully you're using this time to straighten your thoughts.

How did Ofsted go OP?

The scales have fallen from my eyes and I don't think I will ever see him again. So why do I feel so shit?

You had hope. You believed that he loved you as you loved him and you now realise that your love was not on an equal footing.

The feelings you had for him equate to drug addiction and so your feelings of not having him there are the same as going cold turkey from heroin or similar.

It is so very hard. I know this so well.

I know exactly what it means to be without someone you love and want, even if they're not good for you. I am just gritting my teeth and doing it because I know that's what I have to do.

Stay strong Anna x

"why do I feel so shit?"
That sick feeling inside when you find out that you've been conned. That loss of self-confidence when you realise you're connable (although in truth we are all, each and every one of us, connable; the con-man/woman just has to find our personal buttons and press them).

You've had a shock anna. A bloody big shock. Your world has just crashed around your ears. If you didn't feel shit, you wouldn't be human . Is there anyone IRL you feel you could take this to? If you feel too uncomfortable talking to your mother/brother about it, is there a friend?
((hugs))

Because you've accepted to 'see' and it is a nasty realisation. You will probably remember lots of little things and start piecing things together.

I date a man who I believed to be Italian. He turned out to be Albanian, he was put in a position (by people where he worked) he had to come clean the tell me. He then offered me money to marry him as he wanted a passport. I suspect he had a gambling problem and a girlfriend in the background too - an 'ex' who popped up. My relationship didnt get past a regular dating stage. I remember he used to tell me 'this one no good' with ref to my clothes. Alarm bells started to ring when he told me 'my size needed to come down'. He caused me a lot of bother I had to have him removed from where I was working nights.

I was teaching at the time. Dont confuse this with intelligence, willingness to trust and believe in a person is a good thing most of the time and we all get 'caught out' to a lesser or greater degree soon or later.

I waited until now to post this, as I dont think it would have meant much further up the thread.

I do hope you are OK after Ofsted. Not long for Easter Holidays. Keep busy with friends - anything, have people over to yours.

Give yourself time for your head to clear a bit. You'll know the morning you wake and kick into action - I cant explain it better than that from my own experiences.

Take care

Break ups are horrible, no matter the circumstances. There is always a loss to grieve, even with the nastiest, most abusive shits. Let yourself grieve the loss whilst holding on to the aspects that are not a loss - the things that will improve your life by him not being in it. Use RL support, go out with friends, throw yourself I to work and give it time.

Anna, I am sorry . Life can be shit at times.

I went to see a counsellor. When I was talking to her I felt so stupid. To hear all myself say all these things out loud. I sounded so pathetic, weak and wimpy.

Way back near the start of this post someone listed various stages that I would find myself going through. I think I am in the shock stage: shocked that I have been so gullible, shocked that some one that I trusted and loved could be so cruel and cynically manipulative when all I wanted was to be kind and decent to a person I cared about. How do women (and men) who experience this kind of thing learn to trust themselves again? I think trusting myself and my own judgement is going to be so difficult.

Well done for telling someone (other than us!) What's been happening in the meantime anna - have you seen or heard from him?

You feel shit because it is a shit situation.
You are grieving the life you longed for.
The life that he promised you.
The man you thought you had fallen for.

I'm so glad you are getting professional help.
Also very relieved that you have found the strength to stay away.

There are some horribly cruel people in this world.
But do not change who you are.
You are allowed to be a caring loving person.
Just look at your boundaries and get some friends and family around who can help you identify these kinds of flags in the future.

You quite rightly see you are still in shock.
The anger will follow soon.

You can now 'find' yourself again.
Get your confidence back and start again.
You so deserve some love and happiness and I have no doubt you will find it when the time is right.

Well done and keep strong!

It's great that you spoke with a counsellor; I hope you continue talking to them as it will help equip you for making future decisions as well as moving through the hurt right now.

For the moment though just focus on the here and now and don't worry about trusting your judgment in the future. Right now you're grieving for what you thought you had and for the future you thought you had. Do something nice for yourself every day and do talk to friends and family. Let them in and they will amaze you with their support.

Its a rebuilding process. Postively it is a chance to do it with having had the benefit of greater experience, you will rebuild yourself 'upgraded' if you like. You sound sensible anna Im glad you are getting help.

I think you will be able to trust, but you will be more aware of red and yellow flags and act accordingly.
You will probably be able to dump sooner, which is not a bad thing.

Anna, you feel awful because you're much the better person and you expected someone else to behave to the same standards ... absolutely nothing wrong with hoping for that. It's just a shame that Omar turned out to be such a waster, but in the end that will be his loss, not yours

Delighted that you're so obviously getting something out of the counselling - keep it up!!!

Wow! There, s a Palestinian guy working in a B&B on an island in Malaysia, speaks fluent English
, so does the Syrian guy there. They, d never even been in UK...

Just saying, you get on in life and don, t use others with smoke and mirrors.

Anna, I was married to a Muslim, luckily not religious (was into Buddhism), still didn, t work out tho, how could it, as a feminist!

He soon started controlling me - as yours is you - but hey!

We were married, officially me pregnant

Divorce was better than staying married.

You know this is not your future, find your inner strengh, get counselling, as to why you have let yourself be where you are right now.
The only way is up....

Hugs

I am sorry, anna

Stay strong

This isn't the end of your life, it's a new beginning. One that is real not based on lies and fantasies.

Don't kid yourself you had a proper relationship with this man. You were never married however you interpret this situation. You have been fed so many lies and false hopes that you are loved , you have become intoxicated and to some point obsessed with what might become of this unusual liaison.
You know deep down that he has probably been spinning this yarn with more than one person besides you. You have fallen for a con artist.
If you were to buy a dodgy car from a garage, what would do?
Do you want to waste another 4 years being his bloody cash cow??
Time to get mad and get even. Call immigration, I bet they'll be very interested indeed. I doubt he even has the papers to be in this country.
He's a crook, end of.

I have had that experience, talking to a counsellor thinking god I must sound so wimpy and pathetic about my partner's behaviour. Don't feel bad, sometimes when we are in love and when we are in a situation it's hard to see it from the outside and it's only when you articulate it to someone else that you can see it truly for yourself.

Keep seeing the counsellor, it will help enormously.

I agree. You are not wimpy/pathetic/stupid. You have been a victim of a lever manipulative con artist. I he loved you he'd have treated you right, right? It really is that simple. Don't bring the lame excuse of religion/culture into the equation, it doesn't wash. I know lot's of really decent Muslims with non Muslim partners, or partners who've converted to keep the peace between families. Both sides have made sacrifices in the name of TRUE LOVE. Has he sacrificed anything? Fuck has he. What an utter thieving bastard he is.

I'm glad to hear you have seen a counsellor, Anna, and hope that you will gradually recover from this emotional abuse/betrayal, and learn to love again.

Have you talked to your DP or are you maintaining no contact? It is good that you can finally see this man for the manipulator that he is.

You sound like a very nice person, and nice people tend to expect everyone to be basically decent too. Sadly this is not always the case.

Be nice to yourself. Try not to beat yourself up too much. You have learned a lot, and are now in a better place than when you began this thread, even though it is painful at the moment. You will get through this.

Best wishes to you

It's so good to hear you spoke to a counsellor Anna. Please be kind to yourself. You can start to rebuild your life now. Are you going to see the counsellor again? Sending you very best wishes and my support

So now I feel I'm back where I started, I've been seeing my Counsellor and we have discussed how abusive this relationship has been. Then this week she said that it sounds as if he does love me but that it is a very childish sort of love. That makes me feel so shitty now - as if I'm rejecting a child. I did go and see him yesterday and he told me that he is thinking of going away - maybe to live in Italy or Spain to live, that he is selling his car because he has got no money and then he won't be able to get to work.... I could see now that he is trying to manipulate me but I still feel so sad and my heart wants so much to help him.

Anna. The words of your counsellor are just the opinions of one woman. Your ex is doing as mine did...going abroad..sell car..no money..you abandoned me....
It's all designed for a reaction and for your sympathy. He has been good at pulling your strings. Even if he has a difficult past etc, as mine did, he is NOT a child and you are not responsible for him. I still have feelings towards my ex too, but once you see the way someone has manipulated you, you can't ever trust them again, can you?