What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

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Anna, btw, we know it's not this simple for you, although we are making a little light of it.
Most of us have dumped other people and know it's a struggle. We wonder if we are doing the right thing, we don't want to hurt the other person and so on.
But it doesn't need to be complicated. When you get to the right frame of mind it can be very simple. And then make sure to cut contact.

OP, I make no apologies for being so blunt but what you write sounds exactly like a prostitute describing he pimp.
You owe him nothing, he has not validated or respected you in any way.
So I'm guestimating you've given him about £30,000 in the time you've "been" together.?
Write him off as a bad investment

anna

You have had a lot of advice on this thread and it must be really hard to realise that everyone is right.

I understand how you want to do the right thing. I am in the process of doing something that is going to cause an awful lot of pain and upset to someone who has done something horrific as well as to innocent people related to the horrifically behaved person. I can't not do it though as it is the right thing to do.

If you do nothing, nothing will change in your life until he decides to walk away as he has found someone with bigger pockets or can give him more of what he wants.

You know this isn't right so if you let it continue you can't really complain as you are choosing to stay in a destructive and abusive pattern. I can't say relationship as it isn't one.

JFTR - you can be academically very bright but emotionally not very bright. It means nothing.

Good luck. You are going to need a lot of support and I suggest you get it.

I'm sure this has been mentioned before, but this is a very long thread; but does he have the right to live and work in the UK?

By encouraging Anna to go back into further education the bloke did what anyone from this part of the world would do because it really is all about Education Education Education, and all the moreso given that its available to all.

Degree level education is considered ordinary and seen as a stepping stone to a Masters which is what most people would aspire to. Studying for a PhD is also very common with most people who can acheive one going to Western Universities. I think amongst me nieces and nephews there are 14 who have Doctorates out of 40 odd of them.

Im sorry but once again I cant edit and I'm to chop posts up

Anyway, contrary to what people generally hear about on the news which is not the norm in the ME, there is a tremendous thirst for education in this part of the world and in all my years in this part of the world Ive never known it to be any different.

I dont for a minute think there is anything suspect about blokie encouraging Anna back into Education.

If there is a tremendous thirst for education, why would he not have taken advantage of English classes, which must have been available to him as a refugee.

I don't know. I really dont.

Are English classes available to all who need or want them. Do refugees have access to further education. Could he perhaps be like me and find learning a foreign language next to impossible.

My point was that encoraging Anna back into education wasnt suspect, and neither should she be reading anything into by way of thinking he deserves brownie points for it.

It was a very normal reaction from someone from this part of the world.

I don't think there is anything odd about him encouraging her to get education. The man isn't pure evil, he must have his good points too. He is a rubbish husband and Anna should dump him and move on, no doubt about that.

I don't find it odd that his English isn't great. If he spends most of his time with friends of the same background and he works in an Arabic environment, then he hasn't needed to learn better English.

What is odd is that he sponges money off the OP and encourages her to better herself, but doesn't do it himself.

He could be saving money by living together. The £30000 would have gone very far on the way of further education.

This story is no different to any of those love rat stories you read about in Take a Break. Their victims come in all shapes and sizes,ages, education, background etc, etc. You hear of holiday makers being warned about Turkish men and telling themselves they would never be so stupid as to fall for their cock and bull, but these people ( women included) are terribly persuasive. They know all the tricks. An old friend of mine was conned by a beautiful Thai nurse; she emptied his bank account and left him bereft when she had to go home for a ( indefinite visit, never to be seen or hear of again). I have my doubts as to whether she was in fact a lady IYKWIM and her supposed daughters were just accomplices in this whole charade.

Lweji - that is exactly why it isn't odd. She improves herself = better prospects and more pay = more money for him. He gets the benefit without having to work for it himself.

It isn't odd in the sense that it's expected of someone who takes advantage of the other.
It is odd if we were to interpret it as being a good husband, encouraging his wife to better herself.

I find it a bit odd that he manages to own a run a business (presumably he's signed contracts, bought stock, kept the books, etc) without being able to read and write at least a bit of rudimentary English. Certainly enough to read a brief letter from anna.

So yesterday was Saturday and I'm wondering how it went....

OP has said she has seen his passport and has no reason to believe he married her for a visa.

Is it so hard to believe that this one time Arab refugee married her for any other reason besides the passport?

There have been many threads about cocklodgers before, and this is one of them.

This man is sponging off the op and does not appear committed, the insinuation that he married her for a visa is condescending and borders on being empirialist.

HollyWhiteAlwaysWearsAHat She is in an abusive relationship. Just because this abuse isn't along the considered lines of abuse (hitting, raping, name calling, gaslighting) it doesn't mean it is any less abusive (being used for sex, money, keeping her at arms length)

I don't think she needs to be shouted at, and tipped upside down and shaken until her brain clicks into gear at all. She needs help to process this & see why it is wrong!

You are coming at it from completely the wrong angle. Why be angry at her? Be angry at him! Don't blame the victim.

Quite, excellent post differentnameforthis. Anna has been boiled slowly and needs time to take in what has been going on and how far from normal her life is. She should congratulated and encouraged, supported for the realisation that her married life is not normal nor acceptable and for having the courage to post here and continuing to post here despite some people's unjustified castigation of her.

bsolutley re time frames involved.

poor women has bloody ofsted this week...mega stress dont expect too much.

Hope OFSTED not as dramatic as you fear, and that you are able to find some peace in your head to begin to see things clearer.

Just found this thread. What a terribly confidence and self sapping situation to be in. It does sound very abusive, and the sheer length of time OP has spent in this relationship must have completely normalised it for you. I too hope Ofsted isn't too bad and that you make some strong and positive decisions about your future Anna. You have a lot of good years ahead of you and if you are brave now, this can be put in your past very soon.

It is frightening to think such a toxic and manipulative man could have such a hold on a 40 something intelligent woman. However, we cannot judge OP. I sincerely hope that sometime in the near future she wakes up and smells the coffee.