What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

anna it appears your moving past the "I know I asked and knew something was wrong but he's not all bad" stage to "I knew things weren't right and you've just confirmed my fears" stage.

It's tough but it does mean your accepting it and it's when you fully accept it you'll be ready to end this marriage. But you can on.u do it when you truly believe it's the right thing or you risk faltering.

I suggest when you are ready to take that step you start a fresh post in relationships. You can link this thread. But the thread will be supporting you through your divorce.

Phone the man, or meet him somewhere and tell him you're ending it now.
Was that the quote?

Sorry, it was meant as "ending it now" (as in no discussion), when you talk to him, not as in phone him now.
And that was in relation to stopping contact or talking to him about it.
I hope that clarifies it.

Anna, he may have all those issues (or not), but at some point you have to choose what is right for you.
If his "issues" are damaging the relationship, then he's simply not ready for one. You simply don't have to put up with it for his sake if you are not happy.

Even so, the advice doesn't make much sense. He wouldn't be losing much by living with you, as he is living off you. Presumably he wouldn't lose much by telling you where he was going, unless it was illegal or it was something he knew you wouldn't be happy with.

He suggested that I needed to let H learn to trust me - that I had to give that time - H still fely vulnerable as a refugee

And that is exactly why it's important to avoid "relationship mending" advice, Islamic or otherwise ... you could so easily get another dangerous fool like this

When you're ready, you could easily avoid unpleasantness for anyone by simply sending a letter: "Because of your lack of commitment to a normal marriage, our relationship is now ended. Please understand that this is final and that I won't be discussing it further. Wishing you all the best for your future"

There you go - less than 40 words, no nastiness and no pain in having to meet him either. He probably won't even reply, but just in case he does you could keep a copy of your letter as insurance against ANY future problems

Puzzled, my suggestion to get Islamic advice is not meant for her to accept the situation or feel sorry for him and continue as is. It is means to make her see how wrong the situation is, and how to get out of the marriage in the proper way. Islam is very clear in the rights spouses have over each other and if a man can't fulfill his obligations, he should not get married! (eg no money to support her, not being able to emotionally give due to unresolved issues etc) So I doubt anyone giving OP the advice to 'have trust' and give him more chances.

I was going to suggest a letter. It gives you an opportunity to tell him exactly what you are doing - ending it - and why. You can get closure and ease your conscience without him shouting and screaming at you.

Don't get into anything long and involved though; it's very tempting to lay all your feelings out in a letter, but this will serve no purpose other than to display all areas of vulnerability. Keep it short and plain and clear. Puzzled's suggestion above is very good.

I just don't understand why Anna cant just look at the advice given here by women who have been married to Arab Muslims, or are married to Arab Muslims and say to herself, "well if they are saying it it must be true, this situation is all wrong'.

Doing that wouldn't belittle the advice given by others, its just a way of making sure she cannot say to herself, "oh none of them understand and they're shooting from the fingertip".

I take my hat off to the people who are still chugging away at this thread because on a person level I think its all a lost cause. This is set to run and run and run.

Hey, we've previously been through 5 full thread lengths to get someone to leave an abuser. :)
As long as the OP is around and keeps talking people are here for her.

Hi Anna

You're sounding a bit more feisty today, which is great to see. I expect your adrenalin is pumping what with the posts on here, the fact that H hasn't been in contact and the OFSTED prep you're having to do.

I think tonight's your normal sleepover night so I expect it will be a really difficult day for you - if he does check in to see if you're going round perhaps you could buy yourself more time by saying you've got to prepare for OFSTED so can't go over. Going no contact is such a crucial part of clearing your head, detaching and being able to see the wood for the trees. The last thing you should do is go over when you've got added work stress on top of everything else and find you can't tell him it's over, you have a weepy meltdown and then you're back to square one. I'm not saying don't see him to tell him it's over, you just to need to make sure that when you do the timing works for you.

Anyway, you've come to the end of the week and you've got an extra £150 in your pocket that wouldn't ordinarily be there. Why don't you plan something really positive for that money that is all about you? Don't let it pay for the ordinary things when you're out and about; make it count but just for you. I could be wrong but I bet you don't put yourself first very often and in my experience putting yourself first is a key part of getting over a break up.

Just think, in a couple of weeks time you'd have enough money for a decent break, or you could treat yourself to a spa day next weekend. Write down all the things you've always fancied doing/trying, places you want to go and start working through it.

I would also really urge you to confide in someone in RL. When you open up and it all comes pouring out you will be amazed at the support you get - I speak from experience. I think that further up you mentioned you had a brother (sorry if I've got that wrong) but could you confide in him? The hardest thing is screwing up the courage to tell someone in the first place but it really is worth it. I bet your family are just waiting for you to speak up so they can support you.

If we see a glint of hope we will keep chugging away!

You had dreadful counselling advice! Putting the blame on him not trusting you, for goodness sake!

Stick with MN and get yourself a properly qualified FEMALE counsellor!

Start a list of what you do want to do and use the money for that purpose and/or think of charitable causes you could donate to.

Anything to make you feel better about yourself as you have been scrabbling about at the bottom of a trough for too long.

Arrange to meet up with your family and announce you marriage wasn't going anywhere and you've called time on it.

Step by step. We are all here for you x

I've thought about a letter before - your suggested wording is very succinct and to the point. I would have to get it translated though - H doesn't read or write Enlish very well.

I do to out on evenings when I don't see him - I meet up with friends and family. H has always encouraged that. He would only say something if he thought I was meeting other men (never have while I've been in relationship with him) or getting drunk (I very rarely drink alcohol). Not every thing about him has been bad or unkind - for instance he encouraged me to go back to uni to get further qualifications for my career, I don't think I would have done that otherwise.

You realise that by encouraging you to further your career he was being selfish too, as it meant you could earn more money for him?

What has he done to improve his prospects and earn more money?
Is he learning to write and read in English?

Anna, I am so glad your feet are now on the path that will lead you away from this draining relationship and hopefully, eventually, towards well-being.

You sound like a nice, honest, fair and caring person, and as such, believe that everyone is basically decent too. Unfortunately not everyone has scruples, not everyone stops to wonder if their actions are hurting someone else. I'm sure your DH hasn't always been unkind - if he had, you wouldn't have stayed so long with him.

But it's not open unkindness that has destroyed your relationship, but rather indifference to your needs and lack of commitment on his part. This is very insidious, as it is offset by displays of affection, which have given you hope to continue. You now realise that he will never give you more than you have now, and this is nowhere near enough.

Detaching yourself from him will be hard, but you have to do it out of self-preservation. You have already come a long way during this thread. You are stronger than you thought.

WHAT?!

He has been here 4 years and has not learnt to read and write English very well?!

You do realise you have ENABLED him well and truly to be a sponger, liar, user and taker?

You are nothing but a Sugar Mummy for him! May be he is more like the son you never had?

No wonder he laughed in your face when you asked him about other women and doesn't want to live with you or have sex with you very often.

If he doesn't understand English very well, send him a drawing.

Or a cake.

The OP met him 4 years ago, he's been in the UK for longer.

Anna, it would have been wiser for you to have given him the money to get some training/go on an English course/get some qualifications to stop him spongeing off you/the state instead of giving him money for possible second/third/fourth wives/prostitutes/shisha/gay massage or whatever else!!!

No wonder people think this a hoax. Your warped, indulgent behaviour is utterly beyond belief.

I find it surprising about not being able to read and write English. I live in a "foreign" country and do not speak the language very well. My reading is much better than my speaking because, as an adult, you use your eyes and brain to work out the world around you. The first thing I could understand were things in the train station, and advertisements. Gradually I started putting together different parts of the language.

I cannot imagine living more than four years in a country and NOT picking up some of the written language. Does he walk around with a blindfold on?

Actually, I don't think it's surprising that he may find written English difficult.
We use a different alphabet and we write from left to right, unlike written Arabic.
I'd find it more difficult to learn how to read and write Arabic than to speak it.

But it does sound lazy that he still doesn't know enough to understand a basic Dear Omar letter and is doing nothing to improve it. While encouraging you to improve yourself. For his benefit, IMO.

I've thought about a letter before - your suggested wording is very succinct and to the point. I would have to get it translated though - H doesn't read or write Enlish very well

Absolutely no problem there - it won't even cost you anything. Just type the following into your address bar (I'm useless at posting live links!!)

translate.google.com/

All you do is type in your message in English, choose Arabic (or whatever) from the options and hey presto it's done for you ... see how easy this can be for you really??

With Google translate it might end up saying she wants to have a civil wedding.

Don't even go there Lweji!!!!!!!!

Actually, just to be sure (!!) maybe Anna could copy and paste the Arabic script back into the first box provided, then click to turn it back into English; if it still says what she wants then she's safe

Come to think of it, with Arabic script being so difficult, she may need to copy and paste it onto her own piece of paper anyway ...

I've done it, it's not too bad, actually. :)

Or, use the £150 that you might have given him this week to get an official translation done.

This translates very well:
?????