What kind of relationship is this?

[annaomar]

I met my DH four years ago. He is Arabic, I am English. I do love him very much and he says he loves me but I think actions speak louder than words....... We married after about 6 months. We have never lived together - I see him, always at his home 2 or 3 times a week. Saturdays I sleep at his and maybe once a month during the week. He has always been more interested in his friends than in me - I assume this is an Arab man thing. He goes out to meet them to drink tea, play billiards, smoke shisha etc. he never tells me where he goes and he gets angry if I ask. I don't entirely trust him regarding other women - I don't have evidence, just a strong feeling which he laughs at. He stays up late and sleeps late so even on our days together we rarely go anywhere or do anything together. I often think he treats me with a sort of contempt but I also feel like I've lost perspective and don't know if I'm being over sensitive. I earn more than him and give him money - although what he does with it I don't know and he gets angry if I ask him. When we are together he is very loving - he gives me lots of hugs & kisses and he is very good at spotting if I've been upset by someone or had a bad day, so he's obviously paying attention somewhere along the line. At the same time though the relationship seems to be driven by what he wants. I spend lots of time thinking I should leave but I don't want to hurt him.

... sometimes a person can get into a position where it's very difficult to think straight and emotional energy is so draining that a person can feel too tired to act

I think that's very true, Anna, which is why the wonderful ladies on MN can be such a great support in helping you to get out. I truly don't believe anyone's trying to be nasty - at least, not just for the sake of it - it seems to me that they honestly care about what you're going through and offering help where they can

Are you able to tell us whether you've had any more contact with your OH, and what your current plans are?

anna i hope you are ok. You have a lot on your plate at the moment with your marriage and ofsted. I just want to say that i hope you are ok. if you would like to get a islamic point of view on things, then please let anyone from the muslim tea room thread know, and we will try to help.

Please look after yourself. I hope i havent upset you in any way.

I do feel like my brain is in a spin. I want to walk away from this person, but I also feel like I want to go and see him, to put some kind of closure on it , I suppose. Maybe that's not a good idea, but it seems so horrible of me to just never go there again, to cut someone off with out a word, no explanation, just nothing. That would make me feel a bad person. It pains me very much to think I might hurt somebody, even somebody who has hurt me and caused me so much unhappiness.

"it seems so horrible of me to just never go there again, to cut someone off with out a word, no explanation, just nothing."
Seriously Anna - he'll know why. He's probably amazed and preening that he's got away with this behaviour for so long.

"That would make me feel a bad person."
This is your real sticking point, isn't it? How you would feel about yourself afterwards? Let me ask you - if someone was taking 'protection money' off you to the tune of £150 per week otherwise your home would be torched, would you feel bad about no longer paying them and your home still being safe? Because this is pretty much the situation you are in. You give this man money because he makes you feel bad about yourself if you don't. But he can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let him. If he's not around you, he can't make you feel bad. I know you're probably saying to yourself as you read this 'but he makes me feel good!'. Really, he doesn't. He's like nicotine - taking some relieves the withdrawal symptoms you feel from the last hit. You need to abstain from him for long enough to get him out of your system [sad}.

Best wishes, Anna.

I think it is actually scary how you lack a self preservation button. It is like you are an addict, addicted to getting your fix of pain and suffering.

Normal people would get angry and/or hurt if they were treated as badly as you and look for an escape.

Instead of looking after yourself, it actually pains you to cut off the source of your distress and unhappiness.

That is why you need psychiatric help. You need him so badly it is an addiction. Without him/your fix of him you would be in pain/feel so bad you couldn't live with yourself.

I think your problem goes too deep, you seriously do need a lot of RL help to untangle why you are in love with poisoning yourself.

I'm sorry Anna but there are limits to how MN can help someone as damaged as you and I'm sorry if that sounds brutal.

Stop listening to your own excuses, get tough with yourself and make the break.
You will always find a reason to go back and pay him attention and money.

You know there isn't a future for you with him; have a little self respect and bite the bullet.

Anna: I want to walk away from this person, but I also feel like I want to go and see him, to put some kind of closure on it

I don't actually understand why you would want to break up with him without telling him why? Only dangerous partners deserve to be abandoned without an explanation, IMHO.

You see, I have to draw that conclusion, because on the face of it you don't seem dim, or vulnerable, as it was put upthread, but yet everything you have said so far would imply that you either are extremely vulnerable, to the point of having LDs that impair your ability to understand what is happening to you, (unlikely I'd say) or you are not being entirely honest with us.

Ok, it was me who said this ^, but I hope you can all see especially you anna) what I ws driving at, and of course I can tell that you don't have LDs but we all know that many people who do are often targets for cruel tricksters who befriend them purely to take sexual or financial advantage. I have just found it pretty hard at times to accept that an otherwise intelligent and successful woman could tolerate this kind of nonsense for over four years and never once demand the answers to all these MASSIVE questions and red flags the rest of us can see a mile off.

I suppose I was goading you (with the very best of intentions) into a place where you might ask yourself the same thing.

Phone the man, or meet him somewhere and tell him you're ending it now. Then walk away, don't let him talk you out of it.

Stopping contact with him was suggested earlier to see what he'd do. If he kept regular contact or if he rang when he missed the money.

Of course you'll feel bad for dumping him. We all do, even when they are right bastards. But it doesn't mean that you shouldn't dump him anyway.

Anna, lots has been said, lots of unnecessary speculation about his preferences and whatnot. Forget about the stories about the potential other wives he might have, it doesn't matter as it should not change the way you are treated. And he is not treating you the way a Muslim man MUST in a marriage. But, at the end of the day it is your relationship, which you only have to live with. I have been there, I ended up defending him to others like you are doing here now. That's because we are so emotionally attached and invested in the relationship regardless of whether we are being treated the way we deserve. And only later you will see people were right in their worries and negative opinions of him.

I let it go on for months, when I finally realised it was never going to change. So I contacted the guy, told him I wanted a divorce. I got it right there and then. That showed how much my "DH" cared about me. I think deep down you know what you have to do. Again, I stand by my opinion that you should get properly divorced from him. For YOUR own closure, not for him, not for the law, not for anyone on MN, regardless of what they say (sorry ladies but it's about OP here) about the legal validity of your marriage. What I have seen from your own words, you entered this contract with clear intentions so for yourself, close it off the right way. And as I have said before, it will force him to at least for once do the right thing. Seek some advice, speak to the ladies in the muslim tearoom and get some support. Then take it from there. It won't be easy, and you will be hurt as in anyone would when breaking off a relationship. But when you look back, you will know it was the best thing to do.

Every woman, regardless of her faith or the man's faith, has the right to be treated with respect and dignity.

Good luck OP.

I agree that you should you tell him.

However has he contacted you? You said you wouldn't contact him. If he hasn't then that speaks volumes. If he has then arrange to meet him today (somewhere public) as you normally would meet on Saturday and just tell him you want an end to the relationship.

It's not easy, none of us here are thinking it will be easy. It it'll become a damn sight easier overtime than this 'marriage' currently is.

When my relationship with DS dad ended I'd known for months things weren't right but couldn't end it. The day I did was because that was the day I was ready. It was months rather than years though.

You're intelligent enough to know the difference between psychotherapy and psychiatry. You're intelligent enough to know that the stigma around mental health is unjustified and unhelpful. You're intelligent enough to know that you probably do need some counselling right now. You're intelligent enough to know that the people saying you should get counselling are giving you useful advice, not giving you a hard time. Either you are in denial and ignoring the things that your intelligent brain is telling you or this really is a hoax.

He hasn't called, texted, popped by work to see if I'm ok (I work walking distance from his flat). Nothing. But then I haven't called, texted, gone to see him at lunch time, which I would normally do. I think maybe he's having a giant sulk or perhaps he's not that bothered and has been glad to get on with his life without giving me a second thought. I feel like a wreck this week - I doubt if 10 minutes has gone by without me turning all this stuff over in my head.

Lots of people here have mentioned counselling. I did go see someone for a short while. He suggested that I needed to let H learn to trust me - that I had to give that time.

Why was the advice that you had to give him time to learn to trust you?
Was there a reason why he shouldn't trust you?
Or was it one of those things that because he had suffered so much, the poor man had trouble with intimacy and trust?

That seems like very shit advice from a counsellor.

raven she is not ignoring. She has been living like this for a while. She needs time to work out how to handle this She has admitted to feeling vulnerable re wobbly MH. Not all of us can just 'summon up' balles of steel and kick serious ass.

The OP sounds to me utterly depleted. In her last but one post she has said she knows what she is going to do but is working out how to do it and live with her decision afterwards.

anna cutting somoene off with no explanation - you sound very nice to the point of worrying about being a 'bad person' for doing this. If this doesnt sit well with you then you need to tell him with your reason. I think you had suggestion up thread. In the space of one week you have posted here and faced some tough questions and opinion, and gone none contact. This is progress and I think some posters seem far to impatient expecting more.

Have you got a friend wo could go with you and wait outside while you go and tell him you are ending the marriage? You can write three things down and practice them over and over. Practice a catch all response so you dont have to think on your feet if he gets nasty. Keep it all simple. MNetters on here can help you work out wording. But only if it is what you want.

Re worrying about hurting, I know you will know this but here it is in writing from another: you live like this with him hurting and abusing you (emtionaly and financially) OR you hurt him. You need to chose yourself or his feelings - does he deserve this from you, the consideration for his feelings? But to be frank, I dont think he will be hurt, he may pretend but he wont be. If he cared for you he wouldnt abuse you in this way.

When you have done this if it is what you want to happen you will feel better. You will gain greater perspective.

I wish people would stop confusing general education and intelligence with emotional vulnerability - they are two different things. This women has been abused and conditioned over a period of time and to say 'get tough' is not helpful.

he suggested that.......

I wonder what a female counsellor would have said?

I hope you realise he's had 4 years of your life with you doing everything to support him and make him happy - and that you don't need to give him anymore time.

I think he does trust you fwiw - trusts you to provide for him financially because your too scared to question him. This is why you need to expect extreme anger when you end it or extreme over loving and attention.

Don't be scared by the first or fooled by the second.

And if you need to get through OFSTED first then do so.

My thoughts exactly youarewinning Anna needs a huge dose not just of a female counsellor but a feminist counsellor.

You clearly don't have to dump him now. I don't think anyone is saying that.
What we are pointing out is that you do need to dump him. When you are ready, but preferably before you waste more years of your life with him, and more money.
He is simply not a good husband in many ways. And his feelings are not more important than yours. You do what is right for you, not him.

I can't understand why anyone would think this is a hoax. This is my life that I am laying out for comment and criticism on the www.

I have received so much help, advice and support here - thank you ladies for helping me to see things so much more clearly.

I think it is a good step that you haven't contacted him. Leave it now and see when he contacts you. If he really sees you as his wife, if he he really loves you, he'll get in touch. No loving husband ignores his wife for weeks because he is sulking.

Thats not what you said up thread Lweji

The OP is down, she is not at the 'im so fucking angry at that bastard' stage. Some posts have come across as a bit heavy.

I dont think this is a hoax at all. I know someone trapped in a horrible marriage and is a delusional liar about how she lives. It does happen.

Not saying she has to get tough, just surprised that she sees being advised to get counselling as part of her bad week, as if advising someone to see a therapist (or even a psychiatrist) is an insult.

anna do you live any sort of life away from him and from work? What kind of social life do you have, and how often do you see your family? Does he expect you to stay in and do nothing when you are not with him? Would would his reaction be if you said you wanted to go out to a pub or somewhere with a group of friends?

Counselling is something I am thinking about and I don't feel personally attacked that it has been suggested here. in principle its a good idea but my last experience wasn't particularly helpful. I am really a very private person and it iOS actually very difficult to discuss my thoughts and feelings with strangers. i think that's why i like MN, i am relatively anonymous.The trusting issue related to H not telling me where he went or when he would be back and getting so angry about it, and why he was so reluctant for us to live together. Counsellor thought H still felt vulnerable as refugee and because of people who had let him down in past.